Blogoscopes April 30th to May 7th, 2007

Aries – If you’ve ever bought a packet of seeds to plant in the garden, you know that the instructions usually tell you to plant the seeds indoors about 4 -6 weeks before you’re going to put them in the ground. What if you get the seeds in May but you don’t think you’ll have time to plant them until November? Do you keep them in pots all year? Pot them in October? Pave your entire yard? One thing is for sure, sooner or later you’ve got to plant those seeds.

Taurus - Imagine you left home this morning and forgot to bring along something that you’re going to need at some point during your day. Now imagine that you live in a world where you must go all the way around the planet and approach your home from another direction in order to retrieve that item. Well that would just be stupid when you could simply walk backward. What you can’t do is turn around and walk forward. Not at the same time.

Gemini – The other day I was walking by the corner of Gerrard and Broadview and found myself waiting at a traffic light behind two gentlemen of late middle age. They appeared nearly identical in stature and outerwear and shouted at each other – one in French and the other in Chinese. They seemed to be communicating and yet I wonder. Perhaps they, like you, could use a little spiritual Berlitz to create a shared language that both of you can understand.

Cancer – What if everybody threw a party and you didn’t go? Would you still come by the next day and clean the place up? I’m not saying that’s the reason you got invited in the first place, not at all, it’s just that everybody knows it’s what you do – arrive long after the parade and sweep up the mess. Oh that’s what you used to do? So you’re not doing that anymore? Oh I see. Well give yourself a pat on the back

Leo – When we were kids we were very serious in our approach to wishing. We screwed up our faces, scrunched our shoulders, clenched our fists and concentrated our energies into that wish. And then, we blew out the candles or blew off the seeded dandelion head. It’s our breath that changes our hopes into aspirations. Maybe it’s time that you breathed a little more life into the things you’re wishing for.

Virgo – Many bemoan the crass commercialism of our modern world, but did you know that the ancients set a price for everything - including each individual part of the human body – that had to be paid by wrongdoers. I wonder if this is the source of the saying that the sum of the parts is greater than the whole, because it certainly would have been profitable for the family if a person died piecemeal. Beat that for greedy and gross.

Libra – Have you ever had the experience of walking in to a room only to discover that two of your exes are present? It’s embarrassing and really, how in the world are you supposed to react? You could just turn around and leave but that seems rude. You could avoid both of them. Or, you could consider the possibility that neither one of them knows you’re there; walk over and say hi and discover that neither one cares that you’re there. Wow! Embarrassment is looking pretty sweet huh?

Scorpio – If I were you I wouldn’t worry too much about the fact that you aren’t able to understand a single word that anybody is saying to you. Sure their mouths are moving but they are making alien noises and the less you understand the louder they seem to become, but just ignore it. Nothing is being said that you need to concern your self with at all, and in the long run deniability is going to be your best friend. Make no attempt to communicate.

Sagittarius – We call the things we want most in life our dreams because they are often as ephemeral and obscure as our nighttime visions. Sometimes the two will overlap and you’ll finding yourself rising from sleep with the perfect answer to a problem that has plagued your waking hours. Of course it is frustrating to have your sleeping mind tell you to wear the blue dress when your waking mind knows that you don’t own a blue dress. If you want to make sense of it all try not to be so literal – maybe it’s a skirt and blouse.

Capricorn – Ants are the ultimate symbol of productivity. They are individually capable of tasks that are enormous in relation to their size, and their level of efficiency belies their lack of intelligence. Fictionally they are often posited to be working from one large controlling brain or at least to be mutually conventional in their right wing thinking. Are ants the ultimate fanatics? Is the pismire a threat to homeland security? Should we declare war? We have? Well then carry on.

Aquarius – You look good in purple. It’s a rich, electric, regal colour that symbolizes the empire of the mind, emphasizes your flashing eyes and downplays your green complexion. This of course allows you to walk undetected amongst other humans. In the future, you might want to consider wrapping yourself in velvet rather than covering yourself in bruises. It takes a very short time for the average Haematoma to turn a shade of yellow that is flattering to no one.

Pisces – You certainly have your head screwed on right. I’m not sure what it looks like to have a head screwed on wrong but I always imagine that it’s a bit clumsy. You’d have to walk very carefully to avoid having it fall off. Your face and your feet would probably be going in different directions. You would most certainly see things from a very different perspective. Well thank heavens your’s is on right.

Blogoscopes April 23rd to April 30th, 2007

Aries - I was using Google to help me determine the semantic difference between 'unusual careers' and 'odd jobs', when I stumbled upon Lawrence.com. It's completely changed the way I think and feel about Kansas and if I had some sparkly red shoes I'd head down there tonight for some Smackdown Karaoke or Live Action Trivia at the Bottleneck. You should come with, maybe expand your social circle a little.

Taurus - I'm not saying that it's going to happen, but what if you were caught in some steamy sex scandal that hit the tabloids and had paparazzi photographing your every move and noting your every word?Here is a how-to page for your secret weapon in deflecting unwanted questions and looking totally buff doing it. Or you could hire a press secretary who can tell the tabloids - quote - you don't know and you don't care - unquote.

Gemini - Boobies (of the blue-footed variety) got their name from British sailors who thought the birds were stupid because they'd alight on ships and just sit there, unaware that they were in danger, letting themselves get picked off by hungry seamen. So was it superstitious maritime misogyny that landed female breasts with the same 'stupid' name? Is this typical human behaviour - to loathe what you can never have and despise what you can?

Cancer - I thought we should talk about meditation this week but apparently on-line naval gazing involves - if not an actual navy, a nautical theme . At least two sites actually use the term swashbuckling, and although I'm not familiar with it as a form of meditation, I for one am willing to buckle some swash. Are you with me matey? What's a pirate's favourite letter? Rrrrrrr!

Leo - I was thinking that you could use some shiny vibes this week and came across a gem called Positive Articles. I seriously doubt that the content will help you at all but take a moment to read the submission guidelines. Strident much? What does this mean to you? If you're going to let everyone into the pool, someone will definitely pee in it. And maybe the only thing you can do about it is keep your own head out of the water.

Virgo - I was searching for a link to Snow White's Seven Dwarfs to provide an enchanted analogy to your hard-working-self. Here is what I discovered: Snow Shite is an easy and apparently popular typo (my favourite is Snow Shite Cleaners in Balcones Heights, Texas); the original dwarf were either dragons or thieves; and this search didn't pull up much porn....Hmmm.

Libra - Here's a lovely phrase for you 'logical paradoxes' - never again will you be you be stuck for an answer to any question. Used in combination with a gallic shrug it becomes a potent weapon of confusion, alienation and shame against anyone who thinks you owe them an explanation. This is a social tightrope - you need a net. Be prepared to claim that you have amnesia or a recently-discovered-separated-at-birth twin.

Scorpio - Can you see any difference between this and this? Because I can't. What about these ? Are they listed in DSM-IV as criteria for borderline personality disorder, "mental retardation" and fake diseases? Because they should be. I think Awful Plastic Surgery is my new favourite site. It's like a neon sign flashing in the night and it reads "These People are Craaaaaaazy" And apparently just unable to do their own cutting.

Sagittarius - Make sure no one can see your monitor when you open this . Your guilty little secret? You love a good bodice ripper. You know exactly what it's like to be a true romantic idealist, saving yourself - well okay, some of yourself - for that one perfect soul mate. I'm a little uncertain about that last link - whenever anyone uses the work 'key' in connection with romance I get a little bit edgy. If having a soul mate has anything to do with keys I don't want one - do you?

Capricorn - Lately I've been fascinated by Second Life and the potential it holds to turn virtual dollars into actual money. Seriously, you should check out the US dollar figure spent there in the last 24 hours. The same people who struggle to comprehend this as a 'reality' will track premiums on any number of different store bonus cards and maintain a complex and fluid knowledge of how to convert Brownie Points into actual goods and services.

Aquarius - Nearly everybody I know is talking about this one particular site - more than about anything else on line and this week as I approached it, I trembled with great trepidation. It looks so innocuous and yet I can almost feel its powerful force field reaching out to pull me into the vortex of the world's largest on line social network. Sadly, it's lacking that certain je ne sais quoi that I really like about actual friends.

Pisces - Stephen Harper, by the way is a Taurus. Now, you'd catch me voting for Stephen Harper only if my body had been invaded by aliens with evil intentions. If it was possible to vote against someone this is the man I would vote against. For now I just complain. So I really have to admire this site "What is Stephen Harper Reading?" - even though I think it's you and not our PM who deserves to have a cure for busyness personally prepared by a Man Booker Award winner.

Blogoscopes April 16th to April 23rd, 2007

Aries - I'm happy to note that Urban Dictionary does not yet contain a definition for straight line. As in 'shortest distance between two points' and 'I couldn't draw a...' Well I say pooh! Shortest is not most interesting or most rewarding; and as for it being a measure of artistic talent don't make me laugh. Besides, as any good mathematician will tell you, nature abhors a straight line, preferring to boggle our thoughts with the subtlety of the infinite curve. Keep that in mind as you zig and zag through this week. Find your own meaning for straight line.

Taurus - Did you know that the Ford Taurus is making a comeback in 2008? Why do you suppose that is? What is it about the Taurus that makes it worth reviving and when is someone going to get around to remaking the Gremlin? I wonder if this will be like that monkey's paw story where they bring something back from the dead and it's horrible and wrong? Or maybe it'll simply be like "New" Herbal Essence - a name loaded with nostalgia slapped on a banal product and used to grab baby boomer dollars. I just don't know. What do you think?

Gemini - Your ultimate career? Feng shui consultant. Is too! Know how I can tell? Okay, first you have an innate sense of style, second you understand the flow of energy as it moves through a room and three, you love to tell other people how they can do things better - that's like a teacher and you do it all the time anyway so you should arrange to get paid for it. And the best part? There's a lot of different schools in Feng shui - you could spend a lifetime learning all of them - uhmmm... you know how much you love school.

Cancer - Okay I found this site that sells custom embroidered caps and there's no minimum to buy. This means that you could have thousands of caps embroidered with thousands of different sayings, jokes and logos that would tell the world in a very simple fashion, just exactly how you are feeling. You could have your basics - 'Happy', 'Cranky', 'Sober'; you could get specialty slogans like 'Cheese is good' 'Where's my boat' and 'I like earwax'. Or you could just get one that says 'Got what I wished for - pissed off'

Leo - The joys of the open road...in the last month I've spoken to two different Leos about living in trailers - different but apparently not separate Leo's, since one Leo wanted a trailer and the other Leo got a trailer. How does that work? It is now possible for you to be totally mobile and still maintain your royal comfort. Keep in mind that packing all the amenities of home isn't just about the conveniences. You're more connected than you realize. And remember that no matter where you go, there you are.

Virgo - And the winner, in the category of "Good Fences Make Good Neighbours" is..........China! The country whose backyard boundary can be seen from space. Much like China, you love a nice clear line in the sand, although you're not averse to hosting the odd group of tourists - well supervised groups of tourists to be sure. Yet, both you and China are finding it difficult to maintain that border - people keep walking away with pieces of it. Your choices? Either call out the army or prepare to welcome the invaders. We know which one China is doing.

Libra - Charm is your greatest asset and because you know how to ask for things so very nicely, you find that people frequently give you whatever it is you want. Certainly no one ever seems to mind that you asked. Well here's a little something for you from me that you didn't even know you wanted - the chance to play with pretty things and make them look exactly the way you want them to. WARNING! SURREAL CONTENT Will you love it? will you hate it? Or will you be indifferent? I'm taking a poll.

Scorpio - What is that thing on your carpet? Is it a stain or is it a design? How long has it been there? Is this one of those things where you say "funny story that..." and then go on to confess to having committed a heinous crime? Man I hope not because then you'd have to get rid of me to keep me quiet and I got tickets next week for We Will Rock You Okay, I'll just act like I didn't see anything, give you a chance to hide the evi..I mean tidy up, and we'll just pretend that nothing ever happened. Got it? No-thing-ev-er-hap-pen-ed.

Sagittarius - You remind me of Fred MacMurray, you know, Steve Douglas from My Three Sons I remember how surprised I was to find out that my surrogate father-figure had once played the tall dark and mysterious in movies - with Barbara Stanwyck! Turns out, the real guy was even more multi-talented and as well as being really hot in a dorky kind of way, he was incredibly intelligent and set some real pop-culture precedents in his time. Wow, the next time some one asks me which person living or dead I'd like to have dinner with it'll be Fred MacMurray.

Capricorn - I finally found it, the place where you can find the answers to all of those worrying questions you have raging around in your head, in general, about how things are going , and, in some specific cases, why things are going. Click here and look at some of the images. Haven't a clue what most of this means and I'm sad that I can't follow the path to quark gluon plasma but great images eh? Now follow the link that says Image Courtesy of Tom Kemp ; this guy makes some sense.

Aquarius - The day you were born and the doctor stuck that cold stethoscope to your still slimy little chest he heard not just a heart beat, but a back beat - or maybe it was a break beat: a latin beat? Forget that old saw about marching to a different drummer; you are the drum and you are definitely playing without a full orchestra. Everybody hates long involved drum solos, you know they do, so maybe you should think about doing a spot of sampling You could turn your life into a club friendly little number without infringing on your individuality.

Pisces - Here it is my dear, the silver bullet, the strands of garlic, the crosses and holy water, everything you need to keep the nighttime forces of evil away from your door. Okay maybe I have been watching too much Buffy the Vampire Slayer but it's still a good analogy. There is enough material packed into this site to slay any weird shit that threatens to upset you this week. Word of caution, don't read about things that don't frighten you. This will cause cognitive dissonance, which, like magical thinking, is not just for crazy people anymore.

Blogoscopes April 9th to April 16th, 2007

Aries - With a nod to Alan Funt, when you least expect it, you're elected, it's your lucky day, SMILE! A fierce smile so that the freaks on the subway will stop staring at you. Now, when I say freaks I mean the clean, sane, sober well-dressed oglers who seem to want to get to know you. And by clean, sane, sober and well-dressed I mean all those people you used to think were boring. If one of them follows you off the train, make a date for coffee. Make it decaf.

Taurus - Do you really want to get all of your friends involved in a pyramid scheme? Okay, okay, distribution network (insert own air quotes). Even if the this whole thing were legal and/or based on holy granola, it would be a really bad idea. There's a difference between standing on the shoulders of giants and stepping on every body's toes. Plus, there are far faster and more efficient ways to piss off everyone you know.

Gemini - This week you get your letter of acceptance and billion dollar scholarship to Mascot University-College of Kindness (MUCK) where you plan to pursue a major in Warm Fuzzies with minor in Infectious Giggles. The following day, Hollywood calls. It's always a tough decision when you have to choose between the opportunity to do something you've worked hard for all of your life and the opportunity to do something that's a sheer fluke. Who knew Hollywood had your number?

Cancer - You know Lewis Carroll was really a pioneering spirit. He foresaw the day when we would all become enthralled followers of his vision of the ideal pre-adolescent girl. Need I point out the religious overtones of the 'tonic' and mushroom that Alice imbibes to control her size? And don't even get me started on the whole underworld theme. It just has meaning on so many levels doesn't it? Still want to follow that rabbit?

Leo - You have a really great sense of personal style. You know how to play to your strengths and never make the mistake of gilding the lily. That's why I really want you to stop and think twice about cutting your own hair. You may feel you've re-defined coiffure; you may view it as a manifestation of your creativity; the rest of the world would like to see an artist's statement so we have some idea of what exactly it is that you're trying to express.

Virgo - Make time this week to begin renovating your happy place. You haven't been there in a while and it's starting to show the signs of neglect. Spring is a good time to get a jump on this chore so make yourself a check list: touch up exterior paint - check: secure all borders and feed livestock - check: wake all the sycophants and give them a raise - check. You are going to want this place ship-shape and ready for occupancy sooner than you'd think.

Libra - I have a surefire money making idea for you. Give some thought to a patent on your very own happy pill. It doesn't actually have to be a pill, nor does it have to be injected, ingested or inhaled. It may have just one ingredient or it may have many. You could work on a molecular level or theoretical; minuscule or massive. Gather everything together and make a prototype to show to the Patent Issuing Office. Better yet, make two and pop one yourself.

Scorpio - It's almost time for you to flip over, you're nearly done to a turn: sizzlin', smokin' crispy and hot! You will, however, be hanging fire for a while longer so just keep that rotisserie spinning. What you want is a nice even application of heat so that you get a nice even amount of done-ness. Which means that you will achieve an unprecedented level of golden uniformity and dazzle on-lookers all summer.

Sagittarius - This is not the best time for you to put forward an application to join a group that requires you to take an evaluation. Not that anybody could think you were lacking in anything, but your calm self-assurance and obvious superiority can sometimes annoy lesser beings. You could get the brunt of a whole bushel of passive aggressive, so why don't you just stand back and smirk knowingly. And really, a job interview? You're just showing off.

Capricorn - Have you considered getting an anchor tattooed on your forearm? Maybe not, but you could benefit from emulating Popeye this week. Popeye is a man who knows and accepts his strengths and his weaknesses. Don't get me wrong, this is not about limitations, it's about focus. You're getting carried away trying to be something you're not and that can only lead to trouble. Remember who you really are and repeat after me "I yam what I yam".

Aquarius - They say that you can't win if you don't play, so from here on in you better make sure you came to play, know what I mean? Nudge, nudge, say no more eh? Nod is as good as a wink if you catch my drift what? So give it your best shot, place your bets, put it all on the line. Just a cautionary word in the middle of all this bonhomie, if you're playing with someone else's money you better win, otherwise they call it theft.

Pisces - I'm giving you a magic word this week - polyphony. Use it when you need to feel heard. You will instantly be granted the ability to communicate effectively in any language and you will be audible over all the environmental sounds associated with modern living. Your message will come through loud and clear. You know what else works? Talk like a zombie all croaky and dead and let your eyes roll back in your head. People tend to notice that stuff.