Gypsy Judy's Blogoscopes

Blogoscopes Week of July 13 to ?????????

2009-07-11T07:47:00.009-05:00

Aries - There comes a point in every puppy's life when two things become very clear: "Yes that is my tail, and no, I have no idea what I'll do if I catch that car." In your life, Aries, someone is trying to convince you that it's time to stop chasing ridiculous things. Do not listen to them. The only thing you shouldn't be chasing is their approval.

Taurus - You've been keeping your eye on the ball for ages and Frankie says the time has come for you to relax, don't do it. Seriously, do nothing. Give your brain a break from all that exercise and let it have some junk food. Try it for 24 hours. Every time you find yourself thinking you should do something, sit down - if symptoms persist, lie down.

Gemini - Many hands make light work but too many cooks spoil the broth. So which strategy should you take in the kitchen? Well there is no doubt that you can't do everything by yourself all of the time. Find yourself a good sous chef to pitch in with the prep work, but be clear that your name is on the finished product. See you can have your cake and eat it too.

Cancer - It's frequently true that in order to be fashionable, you must be a tad uncomfortable. That's where fashion and style differ. Fashion causes blisters, chafing, and dents in your bank balance. Style causes admiration and compliments. Put a bandage on that fashion boo-boo and adjust your wardrobe malfunctions before someone says you look fat in those jeans.

Leo - Ground control to Leo - prepare for re-entry. Your journey has taken you to infinity and beyond but now it's time to come back to earth and apply some of what you learned. It's not as easy as it looks. Don't expect everyone to notice your new super-powers - in fact continue to avoid people for a while longer as you decompress. See you in September.

Virgo - Don't be surprised if you look up one day to see your neighbour staring in your living room window, or all of your co-workers hanging over your cubicle. People may follow you on the street. You've been so focused on one thing, that you're practically living in a bubble, unaware of how you appear to the outside world - fascinating is how.

Libra - You are famously all about balance, but what few people fail to realize is how tricky that balance can be to maintain. You may meditate to keep yourself centred and grounded. You may raise deflector shields around all of your perimeters. You would be well advised to start going with the flow because you're about to be shot out of a canon.

Scorpio - People who are now meeting you for the first time may be asking themselves if you're all there. Truth is you're not - a good part of you is still recovering from a spiritual hangover - they're the kind with minimal pain and maximum confusion. Put all non-essential stuff on hold and engage the auto pilot for a while until things become clearer. Doctor's orders!

Sagittarius - Don't touch that dial! Do not adjust your TV set! No you are not entering the Twilight Zone, but you are experiencing a touch of vertigo. What you thought was down becomes up and up is heading down. Plus the whole world appears to be spinning. It's kind of like you're a helium balloon bobbing along above the crowd. As long as you're tied to something you'll be fine.

Capricorn - Decorating programs and home style magazines are always singing the praises of light and bright and airy. The problem is that it makes dust and dirt and grime much more visible. Who cares? Open the curtains, slather on your sunscreen and make sure you have lots of sparkly things on hand. They'll distract from any unsightliness and give you a party look.

Aquarius - Whatever you do, don't smile....oh, oh, no, damn it you smiled. Well what can you say? You don't have any clear idea what it is that you're smiling about; nothing seems to have changed; same shit, different day. Maybe it's the smile that's different. For the time being just remember how existentially unimportant all that shit is and just enjoy the day.

Pisces - I've never juggled - well I've tried but I suck at it - however, I think it must be easier to do when all of the items you're working with have similar weights. Which is why juggling is not a good way to run your life. Not everything can weigh the same as everything else. Whether you excel at the chain saws or tennis balls, make sure you're working within your weight class.

Blogoscopes Week of July 6 to 13, 2009

2009-07-05T10:58:00.002-05:00

Aries - You've been called to the Principal's office and it's difficult to say just which way this is going to go. Some creative license with the truth may be called for and there's no doubt that some swagger is big with the fans, but you really know that his is about pigeons roosting.

Taurus - In the game of life you just got handed a get out of jail free card - and yes I know that's a different game. There seems to be some slight confusion in your mind about which board your token is hopping around, but all we become clear when you don't collect your $200.

Gemini - As a private investigator you have to be prepared to follow your prey into some dicey situations. Heads up, your quarry is currently heading straight toward you - what are you going to do? Like Alice down the rabbit hole, your most rewarding course is to go head first after what you want.

Cancer - Oh how nice of you to hold a telethon to raise money for all those poor...wait a minute, what is this for again? Heaven forbid anyone question the purity of your motives, but really, what are you doing and why are you doing it? Will you give it all back when you're done?

Leo - You're not out of the woods yet, but the most immediate danger has passed. It's like an episode of Star Trek, and you've emerged unscathed from doing battle with the Klingon. Their presence looms always on your horizon, but for now enjoy a little comic relief - do the Liberace episode.

Virgo - You're not running away from anything right now, you're answering a calling - okay maybe it's the delivery guy with pizza. You can't avoid what right in front of your face, but for a little while you can lose the sense of impending doom. Just try to be sure you get some veggies on your slice.

Libra - You fell asleep at the party and woke up with the need to talk things out. Unfortunately every one has gone home. They removed your shoes and tucked you in first so there's no doubt they still love you but they're not present to act as sounding boards. Still feel the need to talk? Try sock puppets.

Scorpio - Do you feel as though you have water in your ears? Do the voices coming at you seem to be muffle and far away? Yes, it's annoying isn't it; difficult to make out what your being told and impossible to know what to act on. Give it a week to clear and you'll wish wish it were back.

Sagittarius - All roads lead to Rome and apparently right now all trains of thought lead to you. True, you got some shit going on but I promise you not every bad thing that is going on in the world has a direct impact on you. Stop pretending to carry the weight of the world and just deal with your own shit.

Capricorn - Your week starts off with a lunar eclipse and some one is telling you that your feelings are invalid. Wrong - your feelings are your own; however dark, twisted and weird, you have every right to feel them. Consider making voodoo dolls of your naysayers and plant them where they'll be found.

Aquarius - Break out your dream journal - I know it's been a while but you really do need to start recording these things again. Don't bother re-reading old entries - some of them are less than edifying and you need to make lots of room for the new stuff. This weeks reves are epic!

Pisces - There's a lot expected of you right now and of course it's impossible to do when someone has cut the mains. You know what they say - you can sit in the dark and complain about it or you can light a candle. Try it and you'll discover the "dark" is actually a blind fold.

Blogoscopes Week of June 28 to July 6, 2007

2009-06-28T15:03:00.005-05:00

Aries - You should be listening to Marvin sing "Let's Stay Together". It's going to take some creative housekeeping, because in the next little while you'll be inviting someone else to share your space. How much of it and for how long is entirely up to you. Let Marvin tell you how it's done.

Taurus - You may think that what you're feeling is a bit of buyer's remorse. You could be secretly seeking valid reasons to change your mind. You might even be looking for someone to blame for all of this. This is a sure sign that you have completely lost the ability to enjoy recreational time. Fix that.

Gemini - The seed has been planted and well watered with the blood and sweat of your labour. You now have the promise of a successful harvest and a powerful ability to communicate that brings understanding and assistance from someone who has listened and who has understood.

Cancer - Happy birthday, here's your x-rated horoscope - If you've never done it before, this week you should make love with the lights on. If that's the norm for you then try it in the dark. However it goes, you're moving a key relationship to a new level and learning about yourself in the process.

Leo - This week you narrowly avoid scoring an own-goal. Aiming for something pure and good and noble, you missed and only luck kept you from getting hit by the ricochet. You've probably learned a valuable lesson from this but you should sit in the time-out chair for a while and ponder it.

Virgo - Everyone is staring at you. What did you do? Were you singing too loudly? Talking to yourself? Staring? Did you fart? Whatever the reason, this is not something you can blame on the dog. For good or for ill, the attention you're getting is the attention you deserve.

Libra - You're in an old western. You're the kindly shopkeeper/saloon girl with the heart of gold. You witness the shootout between the handsome sheriff and the mysterious drifter. The sun sparks off the sheriff's shiny gold badge blinding the stranger who shoots you by mistake - with a love dart.

Scorpio - Who doesn't love the playground slide? There's a feeling of free fall as you safely woosh down the slippery surface in the gentle embrace of the curving sides and perfectly angled slope. The scary part is right at the top, just before you go over the edge - like now. Close your eyes and trust.

Sagittarius - When you were a kid did you like to try to sink down to the bottom of the swimming pool and hold your breath to see how long you could stay there? It's difficult to get to the bottom let alone remain that deeply submerged for any length of time. Pop to the surface and inhale.

Capricorn - If you've got any sick days coming to you I highly recommend that you take them. Not that you're sick because you are definitely not, but you are feeling drained of energy and physically depleted. Actually just take one day off and have a really good cry. That'll fix it.

Aquarius - Noise is a very subjective thing. What you find soothing and harmonious others may find discordant and upsetting. The fact that people are now tiptoeing and whispering around you means they are choosing what you hear. This makes you want to scream. Maybe you should.

Pisces - Did you really think that everything would be that easy? Well it still can be, but you are going to have to prove the validity of your ideals not just to the rest of the world but to yourself. Otherwise you might get a tad defensive and we all know what happens then. Relax; have faith.

Blogoscopes Week of June 22 to 29, 2009

2009-06-20T12:19:00.004-05:00

Aries - Keep yourself well hydrated and wear clothing made from fire retardent fabrics - or go naked except for your runners. It's quite a gamble this plan of yours and the astrological omens say that you're as likely to go down in flames as up in smoke. You're going to roll the dice anyway; be prepared.

Taurus - The bull is always at his best when harnessed to a workmate of similar mind. Lucky you - the yoke you currently wear feels lighter for the help and it's all a bit mad and romantic and dangerous. But you still have to eat so don't lose sight of the important details, like who's going to pay for the pizza.

Gemini - I blush to think what you might get up to this week - there's an opportunity here for you to ask questions, get answers and learn stuff, but you didn't see it coming and that disturbs you. Something will be offered to you and it's something you never realized you needed - until you saw it.

Cancer - It's your birth season and without giving too much away, let's just say that the universe is throwing you a surprise party. Oops - almost gave away the best part; you know, the part where you don't have to lift a finger but everything gets done anyway? Oops. My bad. Act like you didn't know.

Leo - Do you ever look at those three-D puzzles they print in the colour comic section of the Saturday paper? You kind of have to let you vision go soft before you can really see what's there. You can do the same with the rest of the world but what you'll see is what's not there - suddenly all becomes clear.

Virgo - This week you will meet someone who has consumed one of those dodgy love potions in an effort to attract a certain someone. You may be that someone and you may not, but for sure you'll be one of many attracted to this crazy mojo. That's ok, just be the one who sees through things and calls bullshit.

Libra - You struggle with ways to have others recognize your individuality while you remain low key. In other words, you want the right attention to find you but you don't want to have to attract it. This week you will get your wish when you walk in to a room where they were just talking about you.

Scorpio - Try not to be alone too much right now. Oh sure you're finding people really annoying but you still have the ability to completely tune them out and grunt meaningless responses in appropriate places - until someone calls you on it. A little more attention can avoid a lot more shouting.

Sagittarius - Over the counter medications can have some very strange effects on the human body and on the mind. We all know someone who has taken cold medicine with alcohol and ended up table dancing in church. Keep this in mind for later when you need an excuse for this weeks atrocious behaviour.

Capricorn - Pay attention to the workmen in your garden or you'll find that the water feature you requested becomes an Olympic sized pool. And when I say pay attention, I mean place your lounger in a shady spot with a cool drink close to hand and just kind of admire what's going on .

Aquarius - You really don't feel much like participating in anything and yet others keep approaching you for advice. You can't be bothered giving them any, nor can you be assed to tell them where to get off so you should just ask them to meditate with you - whether they stay or go you'll have some quiet.

Pisces - You don't have to be schizophrenic to have a multiple personality. It's a good time for each of your selfs to dialogue about where you see this life going and what role each of your parts plays in it. Perhaps you can all agree that the self-sabotaging-you should take a bit of a break.

2009-06-14T09:52:00.005-05:00

Aries - Go nowhere without your tunes! You're going to need to be quick on your feet for the next little while and I'm hoping that if you're already dancing you'll have a head start. It will also set a party mood for the coming days.

Taurus - It's time to harvest the love you've been sowing. Actions speak louder than words. The time for talk is past. Make your move - any move. You're breaking through in all directions so you're sure to come out a winner.

Gemini - You may find yourself having to protect your virtue in the coming days. Nothing is free so you knew this would happen eventually. If your answer is truly no then suggest an alternate currency. Or, surprise yourself and say yes.

Cancer - I'm not sure what spooked you but something has you running for deep water. Anticipating a storm perhaps? Prepare yourself - no matter where you go they can find you. Probably some sort of echo locating - try holding your breath.

Leo - It's hard to achieve nirvana when there's a constant ringing in your ears; there's someone chattering in the next room and close by another someone is making lewd suggestions. Oh wait - maybe this is nirvana.

Virgo - There may not be much difference between talking about something and actually doing something. Words are just as apt as actions to make things manifest. It's like getting someone else to do the heavy lifting.

Libra - Can you whistle? Sing, hum or warble because it's the sound of your own voice that will make you realize that you're in a much smaller space. You wouldn't notice otherwise - there's certainly nothing to see.

Scorpio - Your turn! No really, it's not your birthday: it's something even better. Nobody else needs anything from you right now - nobody. What are you gonna do? Can you just look after your self for a bit? Then do that.

Sagittarius - Ostriches do not bury their heads in the sand - they will flatten themselves to the ground to avoid detection or they will run - at up to 45 miles per hour - take a note - they don't do both!

Capricorn - You are not exactly the life of the party this week. In fact you're a bit Banquo's ghost-ish. People don't really mind that you're there, they just want to pretend that you're not. Fuck 'em. Destroy that salad bar.

Aquarius - Stay home! Unless you absolutely have to leave the house don't! OK, you have to earn a living, I get that, but as much as you can just remain in your own domain. You'll thank me for this later.

Pisces - You're getting struck with lightening bolts of creative energy - wahoo! Okay so just don't think about the fact that it all seems to revolve around ways to make oatmeal palatable. Everybody has to start somewhere.

2009-06-07T12:40:00.007-05:00

Aries - Some days, no matter how careful you think you are, you will wear your shirt inside out, put pepper in your oatmeal or dip your paintbrush in your pinot noir. It's OK. Everyone expects you to be a little ahead of the game, so just make these gaffes a part of your style.

Taurus - This week you have the opportunity to tell someone that you love them; and by tell I mean use actual words like love and you to express how you are feeling. Odd gifts, adorable impersonations and puppy dog eyes will not cut it. Speak, say talk, tell - and not over the phone!

Gemini - Why is there never a taxi around when you want one? You are headed home from the banquet, staggering under the weight of all the prizes you won - best mambo, best looking, best liked, not to mention the centrepiece from the table. Walk a ways with them and understand exactly what they weigh.

Cancer - Don't know if you smoke, but picture this - you're at the worst family get together you've ever experienced, and you finally find five minutes when you can sneak out back for a cigarette and be totally alone for just a bit. Nicotine or not, you need some down time this week so take it.

Leo - You're usually prepared for something like this, but when the press arrive on your doorstep this week the lights, the noise and the shouting will make you wonder whether you are facing adoring fans or an angry mob. The worst of it is you have no idea why this is happening. Tread carefully.

Virgo - You feel as though you have tin cans and streamers tied to your bumper. Wherever you go you are fighting against the drag of meaningless noise and gratuitous visual stimulation. In the aggregate, these things weigh a ton and they're slowing you down. Leave them behind.

Libra - Walk toward the light Libra, move into the light. No not that light, the fairy lights, the tiki torches, the patio lanterns: the glow you can see on the horizon that indicates a gathering of happy people - that light! Watch where your stepping but don't change direction.

Scorpio - What's the worst part of being a penguin? Is it the unending cold; is it a lifespan that stretches from perilous birth to early death; or would it be the fact that you are never, ever alone for a single moment of your brief existence. Go to your happy place and be glad you're not a penguin.

Sagittarius - This would not be the week for you to consider robbing a bank - you would get caught. You're not a thief, but you should pay closer attention to what you pick up. Pluto looms like an omniscient hall monitor and you will absolutely not be able to get away with lifting even a paper clip.

Capricorn - This week, if someone gave you crayons you would colour outside of all the lines. You would do this very carefully, filling in all the spaces and making sure that you didn't colour inside the lines. Maybe if you coloured more often you wouldn't take it all so seriously.

Aquarius - This is one of those times when astrologers say you have the ability to heal a past hurt. Don't worry about which one, that's neurotic. Be alert for deja vu and realize that three weeks from now you'll look back and say to yourself "oh that's what was happening" - everything in its time.

Pisces - How does all this crime happen in Las Vegas? It's never dark. People who fear the dark love Vegas for this reason. You can stay awake longer and party longer and gamble more and spend more money. You can't sleep in a casino so maybe you should think about heading back to your hotel.

Blogoscopes Week of June 1 to 8, 2009

2009-05-31T07:54:00.007-05:00

Aries - No matter how many times you show up with a bruised forehead, no one is going to believe that a wall attacked you. You have been throwing yourself relentlessly at something that will not budge and no amount of spin can make you less culpable. Try saying Abracadabra and then be ready when the wall falls down.

Taurus - We all need to feel attachment to something outside of ourselves, but lately you fear that your well being is negatively impacted by these external forces and that makes them seem more like shackles than connections. The remedy? Jump from your chair, shout Eureka! and head to the nearest party.

Gemini - This week Lady Luck spins her wheel and you find yourself sitting at the top of the world with an infinity of choice laid out before you. Don't get lost in the view, there's an opportunity here that must not be missed. Anything you do now is bound to succeed so take all the chances you want just don't forget to say thanks.

Cancer - Nobody likes a back seat driver. The time will come when your map reading skills will be needed, but for this leg of the road trip you are relegated to watching for service stops and keeping your face out of the rear view mirror. Use this time to hunt for treasure under the seat.

Leo - Sandbox spat or global war, conflict is destined to dwindle into a never ending battle of "aretoo/amnot" and name-calling - unless! What factors are capable of ending the stalemate? One is the crushing of one party by the brute strength of the other. You need to figure out the other one for yourself.

Virgo - Every gardener knows that if you want the fruits and flowers to flourish you have to be vigilant in warding off the weeds and weevils. There is a rich crop in your backyard, and it's sitting ready to be harvested. Only a few more feet of nettles to annihilate and you're there. Sharpen your scythe!

Libra - When you go swimming, what is it that stops you from sinking to the bottom like a stone? It really takes no effort so perhaps it's simply the belief that you're floating that keeps you buoyant. This week you find out whether the same faith can help you dive to the bottom and back up.

Scorpio - Sometimes children believe that if they can't see you then you can't see them. As a survival strategy it sucks, but as a coping mechanism it's definitely got its up side. For the next little while, pretending that what you can't see won't hurt you will allow you to focus on what you need to do.

Sagittarius - You are immaculate in minding personal boundaries, but you can be careless in how you trod on others. You may be confusing the source of your sensitivity and offending when you mean to defend. It's inappropriate to indulge in a crying jag at the office or to work on a spread sheet while making love.

Capricorn - Stop second guessing yourself! The time is ripe for you to step up and do what has to be done. Use the natural authority you possess and it will make others amenable to following you; or you can give in to fear and indecision and waffle about letting everyone walk all over you.

Aquarius - Someone is pouring out their heart to you and the way in which you respond will have a huge impact on your immediate future. You really should be actively listening or you'll find yourself answering the wrong question and offending some one dear to you. This is why people think you're weird.

Pisces - You know better than to ask if your butt looks big in those pants. You've learned from previous experience that prodding a sore tooth is not your best course of action. You don't need to give in on every front, but sometimes biting your tongue is less painful than the alternative.

Blogoscopes Week of May 25 to June 1, 2009

2009-05-23T11:15:00.004-05:00

Aries - There is absolutely no point in making all kinds of plans for you and your sweetheart this week. No matter what you do, something will come up at the last minute and force a change every single time. What you end up doing will be better so save yourself the bother, relax and just let summer start to happen.

Taurus - You're planning a surprise for someone special. You've been saving for it and you're just about ready to break the piggy bank. Consider this - someone special will appreciate this even more if you let them contribute. Surprise them with the idea and the split the tab! Now there's a win/win situation if ever I saw one.

Gemini - There is a cheese souffle cooking in your head. You know that souffle is a delicate dish and there's a lot riding on this souffle - which is why you have to stop opening the oven door to check on it every thirty seconds. Leave the souffle alone and step away from the oven. Set a timer and have a nap.

Cancer - Every great blues artist arrives at "the crossroads" at some point in their lives, but usually just once. There should be only one crossroad in life; the rest are just tough choices and little dramas. Don't fret about a decision - this is not your biggie, just a chance for some review and planning.

Leo - It's the conundrum of self-help gurus everywhere - how much do you charge for your services? Too much and no one buys, too little and you feel used. Plus, the whole time, you're asking yourself when they're going to figure it all out for themselves. I'll just say let your conscience be your guide.

Virgo - You're trying to remove one piece of clothing from the closet and suddenly every hanger in there is having a love in. I think they do it on purpose just to get some attention. Hangers are something we own but never think about. Spending just a little time with your hangers this week can prevent an uprising.

Libra - It's important to draw safe boundaries around yourself so that you're protected; however, crime scene tape may be going a bit far. Do you know what a pentagram is? Got any sparklers left over from last weekend? Light the latter, draw the former and don't forget the incense.

Scorpio - You know those people who run marathons and things, do you ever wonder if about half way through they say to themselves "what the f#@* am I doing?" I'm not sure what keeps them going but you better find some of that for yourself - at least until next Monday - that's your current finish line.

Sagittarius - Who says you can't? Do you believe them? Why? Or why not? There might have been a time when you couldn't but not now. Now you have whatever it is you need to do whatever it is you want. Ah there's the catch. What do you want? Maybe that's what 'they' think you can't do.

Capricorn - Practice your poker face - a lot! Seriously you are going to need it because the good times you anticipate are about to get pretty wild. It's safe to say you'll be caught off guard and while startled, surprised, and even a little frightened are all on the expressions menu, smug is not.

Aquarius - Exercise your telekinetic powers in the coming days. That way, when you close your eyes, instead of making wishes for it to all go away, you can be using the power of your mind to remove the obstacles from your path. Whether someone else actually does this while your eyes are closed I can't say.

Pisces - Consider making space in your calendar this week to paint your bathroom electric blue. Interesting things can happen when you mix water and electricity and this is far safe than bathing with your toaster. A coat of paint won't fry you,but it will give your heart a charge all the same.

Blogoscopes Week of May 18 to 25, 2009

2009-05-17T13:31:00.009-05:00

Aries - The parade is starting and you have to decide which position you want to occupy as the procession winds along the street. Be warned, the options are not limitless. In fact you no matter how much you want to bang the bass drum, wave from the convertible or ride a horse, your choices are two - drum major or poop sweeper. There are pros and cons to each and yes it really is your choice.

Taurus - Imagine yourself dining at a very expensive restaurant with a large group of people - some you know well, others are strangers. You have a little too much wine - just a little - and doze off at the table after dinner. Luckily no one notices until you wake up screaming "save the parsley". You, who are usually so grounded may be having trouble staying in the moment.

Gemini - These are deep waters you're swimming in, and you immediate reaction might be to call for an air sea rescue chopper - whoa up there pardner, can we just remember how you got here? Still waters run deep & they make excellent mirrors. The next time you stop to admire yourself, remember what lies beneath and wear some sort of flotation device - maybe water wings.

Cancer - Just when it seemed as though you would never do it, you finally found your spotlight and your voice. You seize the moment, boldly and succinctly state your case, and then run and hide. Nice bit of stage direction there. Everyone gasps with shock as you appear to disappear. I think you could say you've made your point. At least no one will stop talking about it for quite some time.

Leo - It seems as though it's finally your turn. You've worked hard and overcome obstacles to get here and now the sun is back, the clouds have parted and it is your time to shine. The only downside is that all around you people are standing in corners and whispering; friends, family and strangers in groups both small and large. The worst part? They're not talking about you.

Virgo - You're an earth sign and it's fitting that for you the turning of the seasons is closely connected to nature. So it's spring time you're checking the yield on what you planted last fall. Are you harvesting and enjoying the fruits of your labours or reaping and ruing what you sowed? Better work that one out before you lay down the seeds for summer and fall.

Libra - Feeling under attack in some fundamental way? Are you defending yourself by shouting "are too" at everyone, or are you plugging your fingers in your ears and singing Kumbaya? A happy medium exists somewhere & you will need some rather strange help in reaching it, but this week it will be possible for you to find that balance and even to hold it. Are you really prepared to try?

Scorpio - Everything is so much better once you give up hope. Sounds negative doesn't it? Just try to keep in mind that as humans, we are prepared to 'hope' for the things that we know - for the safe, the routine, the things we've been told are right and true. In that case, giving up hope means giving up on some old, useless preconceived notions. Are you ready to give up?

Sagittarius - This is going to be big; a larger than life, stupendous show-stopper and it's going to be all yours. You need some backing and a little faith, but no one seems prepared to share your vision. In fact, they seems intent on forcing their visions on you. The nerve of some people. Can't they see that you visions are superior? Can you see that your visions are superior?

Capricorn - Here's an exercise for you that should keep you sane this week. Every morning, before you have your coffee, stretch out on your yoga mat, face down, forehead on the ground. Breath deeply and feel your diaphragm expand. Now, exhale, screaming like a 2 yr old at the ice cream shop, pounding the floor with your hands and feet. Carry on for a full minute, repeat as needed.

Aquarius - The difference between a caper and a crime is how you feel about the perpetrator. The same criteria defines who's the recipient of humour and who's the butt of a joke. I would therefore suggest that you consider this - before you pull what you believe to be a harmless and amusing prank, ask yourself if your target likes you. That should give you some indication of how they will react.

Pisces - You've got a full slate and normally you'd be on top of getting all of this done. Lately, though, you find your mind wandering to green and sunny pastures, picking imaginary daisies and then scrambling to catch up with the real world. New word for the week - delegate; easier than you think. Find an audience and clearly explain your wishes. Then watch the magic happen.

Blogoscopes Week of May 11 to 18, 2009

2009-05-09T10:48:00.007-05:00

Aries - So the fickle finger of fame is no longer pointing at you. You would be okay with this if the finger were perhaps broken, or if it had disappeared altogether. The thing that is bothering you is that the finger is fine thank you very much, it has just moved on to point at someone else. Buck up - think of all the things you can get away with while no one is looking.

Taurus - Many things are coming to fruition for you and many more are just beginning. Knowing you, this of course means that there are at least sixteen other things in your life which are partially complete - or partially begun depending on your point of view. Before the curtain rises on a shiny new scheme, cast an eye over your to-do list and see which ones you're still partial to.

Gemini - This week should be a snap for your ruler as the universe asks you to talk your way in to trouble. Well, not really trouble - let's just say it's something your grandmother would have called trouble. It won't be too easy - you'll have to talk fast and say the right things but if trouble were simple everybody would be in it wouldn't they?

Cancer - Start mumbling. Or tell everyone you know that you're learning to speak Icelandic. Or come up with your own strategy. You'll need something to cover up when you make a slip in an intimate moment this week. While you're memorizing 47 ways to say iceberg you can puzzle out the answer to why you made this slip and why now?

Leo - Wake up! Oh sorry you were awake. Yet you seem to believe that you're dreaming. You're doing a lot of edgy, even dangerous things, and doing them all with a silly grin on your face and a thousand mile stare in your eyes. If you fly in dreams do you fly in real life? Who knows? The point is you're not dreaming and the sooner you realize it the better.

Virgo - There are two kinds of stubborn in the world - mules and Virgo's. Although to be fair, Virgo's aren't so much stubborn as they are just-not-listening-to-you. Deaf to the so-called voice of reason, you, Virgo, can more easily enjoy being naughty. Is it fearlessness or insanity? You're ignoring the consequences while never losing sight of your goal. Bravo.

Libra - Ooooh, Libra, the winds of change are ablowin', howling around the eaves, oooh! Fortunately by the time they get to your place they'll have died down to the breezes of whatever. You should feel safe to step outside for a breath of air. A lot of pretty cool stuff is headed your way so for now, just enjoy the weather.

Scorpio - There's a ritual being enacted here; a clearing out of old things, useless ideas, destructive habits and unhealthy connections. Okay, so really you're just spring cleaning, but that's still a tradition. It might take you a little longer than it does others, but you do a much more thorough job. At least we hope so because there's something scary behind your stove.

Sagittarius - Please promise that over the coming days you will ignore any sudden urges to play with sharp objects and electrical outlets - this includes forks and toasters and has a special dispensation to include a ban on combining bathtubs and electricity. You won't do any physical harm to yourself, the danger is you'll fall in love with with your blender.

Capricorn - This week at one of those excruciatingly dull social events you feel compelled to attend, an angel will come to you and whisper in your ear, stories of a beautiful land where you are worshipped for your grace, wit and charm; a land of tranquility and wealth. Ahhhhh.....of course you'll come to and realize you volunteered for something horrible, but who cares?

Aquarius - The phrase ships that pass in the night is used to describe a negative - regret for something lost. If they didn't pass, wouldn't they just crash into one another? Apparently there are other options; friendly gestures with bells and beacons; still there's also boarding by pirates. To be on the safe side ships should keep their distance but maintain eye contact.

Pisces - Don't pretend to want anything other than what you really really want. Going along just to get along will not get anybody very far. You're an adult right? Dealing with other adults? Okay then, just come out and say what it is that you're feeling and what you want. Oh heavens don't explain why, nobody but you needs to know your motivation for any of this.

Blogoscopes Week of May 4 to 11, 2009

2009-05-03T06:47:00.002-05:00

Aries - Nobody was even looking at you until you started screaming "it wasn't me". A certain sign of guilt one would thing, yet strangely no one seems to be taking you seriously. Best of both worlds really, you've confessed, no one can say you haven't, and it would seem that you have escaped retribution.....or have you? Better look for a way to work off some karma.

Taurus - One cannot be in any doubt - you strongly believe that this project someone has been telling you about is a crock. It will never work, it's a pipe dream and what is required is less naval gazing more hard work. If it's such a sure fire flop, why are you so determined to help out? Oh that's right you're getting paid for this....right? You better get something out of it.

Gemini - You are very good at convincing others to see things your way. To your detriment, you are all too aware of how talented you are in this area. You might be getting a bit slack. You can't just step up to the plate and expect to hit it out of the park every single time - unless of course you are able to bring the same passion, openness and wonder to every inning that you did to the first.

Cancer - You know where you want to be in life and what you hope to accomplish, but some days you wake up wondering. Is this where you thought you'd be at this time in life? Is this where you want to be? Are you on the right path? Heaven knows there's nothing like an early morning bout of existential angst to kick off the week. Stop worrying and go eat some breakfast.

Leo - You may have inadvertently led someone to expect something from you that you have no intention of giving. When I say inadvertently I mean that you were so caught up in the moment, the energy, the magic that you lost your normal discretion and well let's just say we all hope the results don't end up on-line. It's not a question of right or wrong, just ownership. You had fun, admit it and move on.

Virgo - If you were looking for a needle in a haystack, would you use a flashlight or a super high intensity spotlight? Logically, the brighter light would give you a greater chance of success. But the smaller light would give you more focus. If you have to filter an entire stack of hay wouldn't it be easier to do it bit by bit rather than all at once?

Libra - During the course of your lifetime, you have developed a finely honed means of dealing with those who would thrust their needs upon you. This week add listening to that repertoire. Not because they're right, but because you need to discover why they think it's okay to treat you like this. Then you can update your defense mechanism. Knowledge is power my dear; get it, grow it, use it.

Scorpio - Surprise! Oh shit, you hate surprises. Unexpected events are unplanned and unplanned means you're not in charge and then who knows what will happen! Chaos and running amok are likely outcomes. Things cannot be allowed to just happen willy-nilly like this! Okay simmer down. Are you sure this was a complete surprise? Didn't some part of you know this would happen? So it's kind of like you planned it.

Sagittarius - Wouldn't it be nice if every day you could walk out of your same familiar door and into a whole brand new world? And then wouldn't it be lovely if at the end of every brand new day you could walk right back in through that well-known door and be home? Well guess what? You can. In fact you do, every single day, you just have to look for it. Find something fresh in the familiar.

Capricorn - This week, your mission, should you choose to accept it is to find a way to incorporate your dreams into your life on both a personal and a professional level. Dreams and visualisations are good ways to manifest the love and success you crave but there's a time and place. Figure something out before you find yourself shouting 'yes Rhett Butler I will marry you' in the middle of a meeting.

Aquarius - Do you feel that you're living someone else's life? There's a sense of clothes not fitting right, things not being where you left them, stuff you don't own showing up in your underwear drawer. It pisses you off, and you would really like it very much thank you if who ever was playing silly-buggers with your life would just stop. Um, you might want to check the mirror one more time.

Pisces - You woke up this morning and discovered that you suddenly have the most amazing singing voice and the ability to dance like Fred Astaire. This is fantastic. this changes everything. Oh, except you have to go to work. No, you have to, even if you make it onto a reality show you won't be famous in time to pay the rent. Yes it sucks, but you have to find a way to become famous in your off hours.

Blogoscopes Week of April 20 to 27, 2009

2009-04-19T09:53:00.001-05:00

Aries – The job of every Aries is to discover who he or she is. There are many ways in which they can accomplish this: owning stuff, doing stuff, trying stuff - emulating a role model. Stuff isn’t who you are so forget about that. And you may not have a real-life role model but I’ll bet you have one in your head. Now, sans stuff and avec role model who are you? Like it? Excellent. Don’t like it? Fix it.

Taurus – There are acrobats, clowns and circus performers who can balance towering stacks of delicate and oddly shaped objects on their noses and chins! Ever watch a performance where they dropped anything? But you would think that at some point in their careers, they would have had to drop something. You don’t achieve excellence without practice, and practice means making mistakes. If you don’t do something wrong how can you tell when it’s right?

Gemini – Are you familiar with the expression ‘talk to the hand’? Try it this week – talk to your own hands. And while you’re talking to them, really take the time to look at them closely. Are they impeccably groomed? Does the right hand know what the left one’s been doing? Have you forgotten how beautiful and talented they are? Take your hands on a date – play piano, finger-paint, have a manicure, or even better, play in the mud and get them dirty.

Cancer - Fame is a lonely place. Famous people (FPs) feel they are constantly being scrutinised, criticised and compartmentalised. It’s all so superficial but FPs can’t risk letting anyone close enough to actually see them. FPs have dozens of hangers-on but who are their friends? It’s a bit like raging paranoia, wearing disguises to show people what they want to see. An FPs life is one never-ending red carpet. The good news for you this week is that you’re not an FP.

Leo – You are the Elvis of the zodiac. Everyone says they’ve seen a Leo, but none of these sightings can be verified. There was a woman in Schenectady who saw you at Burger King (as if); a Tibetan monk remembers sitting zazen with you (more likely); and a gorilla using sign language claims to have discussed Kierkegaard, Dylan and the designated hitter rule with you (oh come on). All are fantasy: all are true. You have become an urban legend. How does that feel?

Virgo – Your long repressed fear of public speaking is about to erupt as you stand before the world and tell them that things need to change or else. Public speaking? You meant to tell only a few people. Yep, but there’s an echo in here and a lot of cross talk and perhaps a solar flare or two, so if you want to get your message across you’re going to have to speak slowly and clearly. Use small words and be prepared to repeat yourself. Sounds hellish I know but you can do it.

Libra – Have you ever wondered what life would be like if you were able to live at the bottom of a swimming pool? Well wonder no more! For a limited time only, you Libra have the amazing ability to survive on chlorine and fish food. It’s like living in an aquarium with curtains. No gawkers mindlessly staring with their noses pressed against the glass. Of course you do run the risk of having people drop things on you from above but at least that is deliberate.

Scorpio – Sometimes you really take the cake, and this week you have the ability to devour an entire bakery while the rest of the world is busy elsewhere. There’s no need to be sneaky about this, it’s your bakery and you’ve earned it, but you have always enjoyed a little drama, and a little subterfuge just adds spice. If you want to make this experience even more fun, why not create the diversion that distracts everyone, then sit there with icing on your face and deny the whole thing.

Sagittarius – Millions of iPod wearers can’t be wrong, the world is better with music. Whatever is going on around you can be better borne or ignored if you are listening to a personal soundtrack. Every ear-bud-wearing, headphone-sporting commuter in every major metropolis is starring in their own movie. Problems occur when plot-lines get tangled. To avoid getting caught up in someone else’s drama this week, instead of digitized music try creating your sound track out of ambient noise.

Capricorn – There’s a rumour going around that you have been at home, alone, drinking in the dark. Gasp! You are horrified, who has been saying these things about you, and it’s not true! Really....what if they said there was a blackout and the drink was tea? Would that change how you feel? There are different ways to look at everything and there are different ways to look at you. Don’t just go assuming that everyone is staring at your bad side; and yes, you have a bad side, get over it.

Aquarius – Wouldn’t dodge ball be fun if it were a two way game with multiple projectiles? Imagine that you’re in the middle and everyone in the circle has a basketball to throw at you. Now imagine that you have your own missiles to hurl back at the circle. Granted, the game would be more fun if you weren’t blindfolded and armed with nerf. Channel your inner Luke and use the force. There’s only one target you aiming at and you don’t need to see it to hit it.

Pisces – One of the saddest things about the commodification of myth is the way in which our culture has belittled the goddess of the hearth. She died sometime in the 70’s with the advent of those twee kitchen-witch ornaments that littered every home. The result is that many have forgotten how to feed themselves. You have a goddess given duty to don your frilly pink apron and pass on the wisdom of the hearth. The first rule - if you want to make soufflé you have to break a few eggs.

Blogoscopes Week of April 13 to 20, 2009

2009-04-12T07:45:00.003-05:00

Aries - Your horoscope this week is about somebody else; actually everybody else. You have an interesting way of interacting with others, veering between wildly divergent interpersonal styles. As a result, your friends are puzzled, peeved and possibly a bit frightened. Try to recognize the other people in this picture. That should clear things ups a bit.

Taurus - Have you ever noticed that when experiencing powerful emotions, you tend to intellectualize? It's a great strategy for avoiding pointless confrontation and it lends an air of righteousness to the proceedings. Plus, the rational mind has all those facts going for it while emotions just have nebulous feelings. A creative outlet will help you manage both.

Gemini - Your brain is full. Time for some routine maintenance while you ditch the contents of your mental recycle bin. Clean out your inbox; send replies where needed. Tidy up your folders and clean out your cache. Organize your photo files and music collection, run scan disk and a hard drive defrag. Get a good night's sleep. Okay, now you're ready to get things done.

Cancer - If you were Sisyphus, you could push that rock up that hill in record time. And you would make sure that the darn thing stayed put and stopped rolling right back down the hill. Well maybe not the first time, but you would keep at it until you succeeded. You have the strength, confidence and determination to defy the gods and toss that boulder aside. Use this power wisely.

Leo - It is impossible to over-estimate the importance of every decision you make - isn't it? Making one wrong choice could mean, a change in your social status, the ridicule of your peers, higher bank fees- in fact life as you now know it would cease. Sometimes it's difficult to distinguish between drama and paranoia but you should be looking for that line - probably behind you.

Virgo - You may find verbalising your goals is a good idea, but if you have to convince others to go along with you, talking it out to yourself first will help to hone your approach and guarantee success while not boring the pants off of anybody. If that sounds like too much work then re-schedule any human interaction for a day when you might have a clue what you're doing.

Libra - Imagine that you are Queen For A Day (guys play along). You get to be the centre of attention and anything you want you can have, all you have to do is ask for it. If the word 'attention' set off a panic attack, relax; the asking is the important thing here. Tell them how you feel and ask to be left alone. You'll get respect and privacy. Now think Queen For A Week.

Scorpio - There has never been a better time for you to have an out of body experience. Your emotions are threatening to overwhelm you and in an effort to let off some steam you are tempted to indulge in some over the top retail therapy or inappropriate physical encounter. Step back and watch yourself objectively. Do you see what you're doing and why?

Sagittarius - There are definitely many different kinds of truth, but are all truths are equally valid? It's easy to be convinced that your truth is the best truth when it's the only truth you can see. This week you will experience truth from another view point and while it may not change your mind, it should quiet your criticism and increase your patience.

Capricorn - Spiritually you feel a big sneeze coming. Your impulse is to grab a hanky, warn everyone and then turn your face away; all of which is guaranteed to make you loose the urge to sneeze. Next you'll go through ridiculous machinations like staring at bright lights or sniffing pepper. Eventually the sneeze will come when it's most likely to embarrass you.

Aquarius - You've got boundary issues at the moment. There are places where the public has indiscriminately trampled your rose garden. There are other places where you have been the transgressor. It might be worthwhile to determine how much and which parts of your private space you are prepared to share. Draw a smaller "Do Not Enter" space and get comfortable with it.

Pisces - Pill popping has always seemed to me to be a suspiciously easy way of fixing things. Substance abuse should be a much more organic process, allowing you to achieve a level of lucid relaxation rather than becoming anesthetized. We each have to find our own personal balance which is great because not only is the research fun, the results are wonderful.

Blogoscopes Week of April 6 to 13, 2009

2009-04-04T10:40:00.005-05:00

Aries - You are on fire with a new found purpose in life. You have knowledge and insight that you feel a passionate need to share with those less fortunate and so you have decided to shine your light into previously unexplored areas of your world in order to spread the good news. Just a suggestion - don't run away to missionary school, join the circus. It's an old fashioned idea, but there is much that can be communicated with sequins and tutus.

Taurus - You seem to have opened a tour guide company called "Taurus Travel - We'll get you there or else". There's a broad time continuum involved so some of you are packing bags, forwarding mail and gearing up for take off, while the rest of you are seeking cures for jet lag and falling asleep at your desks. For those of you just leaving, relax, you've done this before and you haven't forgotten anything. For those of you just returning, you're cute when you drool.

Gemini - You were multi-tasking in the back of your cab headed west at rush hour when suddenly something shiny caught your eye and as you quickly looked left, you saw a giant, dishing out chocolate ice cream cones while riding a unicycle. You hopped out of the cab - you had to have ice cream - but forgot to pay the cabbie who chased you, shouting for his money until you handed him an ice cream cone. As you took your first taste, music began to play and everyone danced.

Cancer - Ever watched Sumo wrestling? Is it theatre? Is it actual combat? Or, is it perhaps a mixture of both? The outcome may be real but the actual battle is a bit over the top. And who decided that it should be done in diapers? You don't weigh enough to be a Sumo so you better find another fighting style. Don't back down, but it's easier to achieve a win/win situation if you knock off the theatricals.

Leo - You've been in this phase of - let's not say navel gazing, let's call it self reflection - and as you emerge from your meditations you may discover that 'self' is the only touch stone you have; nothing else seems familiar or known to you. Accustomed as you are to your own company you may not immediately realize that you are alone. This will change. Re-entry is always the hardest part; just go slowly and don't get burned by the atmosphere.

Virgo - You are caught on the horns of a dilemma. What to do, what to do? You've got the devil whispering in one ear and your dreams in the other and action seems impossible. Listen closely: first, expose and share secrets - yours and theirs: second, pay very close attention to the details of your expanding future - don't be fooled by false appearances: third and last, let go of old wrongs and injuries - retribution is so last year.

Libra - You're talking into the wrong end of the megaphone. Seriously, you're getting blasted by sound but your replies are getting lost in the air. Which is a shame because what you're saying makes wonderful sense. So do the words coming out of that loudspeaker if only you could hear them properly. Maybe a voice amplifier is not what is needed here. If you can't invent some outside-of-the-box way to hear and be heard, consider buying one.

Scorpio - You have a commendable ability to entertain yourself. You don't seem to require toys, games, books or even the company of others - you just have fun doing whatever it is that you're doing. Good for you....except that right now you might want to take a look around. You're entertaining yourself with a song and dance number while everyone else is trying to watch a movie. Best to continue your musical interlude elsewhere lest you invite unwanted aggression.

Sagittarius - Okay enough about you, let's talk about me for a while, what do I think about you? Well I think we're not really done talking about you yet. You are fascinating and there's is always something interesting going on in your life, but it might be a good idea for you to take a closer look at the impact that wonderful you is having on your environs - including people. Being right is great until it leads to being left.

Capricorn - Psst, come here where no on is listening, now let's talk about that thing on your face. Sure you can say zit - I was going for expression but we can call it a zit. If you smile does the zit magically disappear? When you're relaxing with friends is the zit less noticeable? Is there one part of your life that makes you look like ZitZilla? Now do you believe it's not a zit? Cancel the chemical peel.

Aquarius - We all have different ways of not being alone. Some of us have pets; others belong to clubs; some of us are just sluts. There are just as many ways for an Aquarian to be alone in a crowd, like zoning out, freaking out and walking out. Lovable-Eccentrics 2 Rest-Of-The-World 0. It's time to rack up a few extra lovable points just in case. You know what's expected of you, just do your version of it.

Pisces - The number one secret of successful people is an absolutely unshakable belief in self. The number two secret is that they all know exactly what they have to do in order to get their own way: how much money it will cost, how nice they have to be, how much of their souls/pride they have to sell/swallow. You have the faith, the cost is minimal: no need to pull out the tears - you're in the power position on this one.

2009-03-29T08:56:00.006-05:00

Aries - Science now thinks that the series of people who were the voice of the Oracle at Delphi were probably high on methane fumes leaking from the earth. What in ancient times was revered as the voice of the gods was actually the stoned ramblings of a fallible human being. Oops! So, all this stuff you're telling everybody....is it actually divine inspiration or should you be using your inside voice?

Taurus - You are an all or nothing kind of person and you rarely do anything in half measures. At the moment you appear to be stuck exactly half way to some exquisite horizon that only you can see....and it's driving you nuts! Is it possible that you need glasses, because from here, it looks as though you're aiming at 5 widely divergent targets, not one. By all means continue to strive toward all 5, but could you consider cutting back to 3 at a time?

Gemini - Have you ever been shot out of a cannon? Sure, there are dangers in attempting it but nothing ventured nothing gained and you should consider trying it at least once. There will be those among your acquaintance who will try to talk you out of this. Listen carefully to their reasoning and then present them with your own. Then listen again. You should find that they'll not only be on board with it, they'll supply your safety net.

Cancer - So you're finding yourself bursting into anguished tears, uncontrolled laughter and exuberant flatulence and have absolutely no idea where all of this is coming from. It's only human to be embarrassed by these startling public eruptions and to rush to defend or excuse them, but that may not be your best course of action right now. Just accept that these things happen and in private sit down for a serious tete-a-tete with those emotions of yours.

Leo - Until further notice, the Gypsy will assume that you have been kidnapped by alien beings and are currently undergoing some rigorous - though pleasant - training by a race light years superior to our own. Some of you feel this is the reason you were born. Some of you want out right now. For those of you in the second group help is available. Blink once for yes and twice for no.

Virgo - We're all in agreement that the world would be a much better place if the sky were an unusual shade of lilac filled with green clouds; if rain was fuchsia and snow was orange; if grass were red and trees were blue - or whatever it is that these things look like through your eyes. The sad fact is that they're not. You might want to consider inventing glasses that will let the rest of us share your vision. Until then you will have to paint word pictures.

Libra - There are three rules to successful steering of any type of vehicle - bicycle, car, 747. One - keep a light but firm grasp on the wheel; two - don't slew the wheel from side to side, try to maintain a steady course; and three - never ever let anyone else gain control of the wheel - power struggles equal crashes. However, don't be afraid to follow directions - a good navigator is worth their weight in gold, and a good navigator also won't drive you into a tree.

Scorpio - You should be in understudy mode - the leading role is not yours but you need to be learning all the moves, memorizing the lines and rehearsing your blocking as if it were going to be your name that goes up in lights. You might never get called upon. The lead in this play might not break an ankle, not lose their voice or not get a last minute offer from Hollywood. You might not have to be ready, but you should always look as though you are.

Sagittarius - The best advice for you this week Sagittarius, is don't party with newbies. You are in the zone, ready to go, know what you want and want to have the maximum amount of fun getting it. The last thing in the world you need is to be tripping over a bunch of clueless klutzes. If you do encounter neophytes, the worst that can happen is that you'll have to ask them politely to get out of your way, but still, sheesh, buzz kill!

Capricorn - If someone thinks you're crazy, how do you convince them otherwise without looking even crazier than they already think you are? Experience has taught you to be prepared with a detailed and reasoned defense of everything you do....which, when you come to think about it is a little bit crazy, no? But honestly, who cares if people think you're crazy? Practice saying "not me" over and over, but quietly in case someone hears and thinks you're crazy.

Aquarius - Your mind is like an alcoholic lapidary - it is a sharp and incisive tool but it can sometimes be a little shaky on the details. Focus for a while and you will find yourself with a crick in your neck and no clear memory of what you're trying to achieve. Two things to keep in mind here - one is that you must only concentrate on the things you truly love, and two, get up and stretch your legs from time to time.

Pisces - If you can't be in The Grand Bazaar now, at least make the effort to go shopping. Oh sure, times are tight, money is tighter and you don't really need anything anyway - BUT - if you were to happen to find yourself in the market place you might just discover a real steal on something that you have always dreamed of having, or you might be offered a good price for that white elephant you've been toting around. The name of the game is haggle.

Blogoscopes Week of March 23 to 30, 2009

2009-03-21T15:30:00.006-05:00

Aries - You are generally intelligent and inquisitive, moving head first into life but there's that one little area where you go to play three wise monkeys. You've been kidding yourself that if you don't see it, hear it or speak about it that it will go away. It won't. In fact, three monkeys become one elephant inthe room. The more you talk about it the better it will get. Can't tell anyone about it? Talk to your own reflection - the effect will be the same.

Taurus – The gods are calling upon you to honour the spring equinox with a sacrificial rite. Relax; it’s not as horrible as it sounds. You need a bit of spiritual retreat right now – time to go through all of your old thoughts and ideas and throw out the ones that no longer fit you. Take time to do this mindfully but don’t dawdle. You will soon see that there is space for some brand spanking shiny new ideas to move in.

Gemini – You are admirably suited to being a modern day soap-box orator. Which begs the question ‘what is a soap box and what can I use instead’? Obviously you need to find a modern equivalent; something to lift you above the masses so that your message can be heard by all. It could be a milk crate, footstool or even really high heels, but whatever you choose should be sturdy, you may be standing on it for a while.

Cancer - You’re just about the only person I know who could go to a really great party and have a good time curled up in a corner talking to no one; which is exactly what you seem to be doing now. For the moment, your fellow celebrants are too busy to notice that you’re sitting this one out. Soon however, you will have to find some method of convincing all that you really are enjoying yourself – or you could pretend to pass out. That’ll get them off your back.

Leo – Are you feeling lucky? You should be. This is the week that all your ships come in, your eggs hatch and dreams come true. Even better, you currently have the ability to multiply whatever good fortune comes your way and to use it in a way that provides you with inner peace and does some pretty special stuff for the rest of your world as well. I’m not saying you’re Mother Theresa, or Bono, but your good intentions will pay off.

Virgo - You are poised at the top of an impressive staircase. The Rest of The World is at the bottom of the staircase watching your slo-mo descent. Shit, it's that dream again - the one where you're naked and you're supposed to be addressing the nation right now. Don't panic! You have choices. You are in control of your dreams. So, you can wake yourself up or you can give that speech in your birthday suit. Up to you. Whichever way you pick, give it some welly.

Libra - This column may have recently compared you to an amnesia victim, but I forget. Amnesia is a tried and true plot line of every long running television drama, soap opera or murder series. Whether in spite of this or because of it, most people don't realize how incredibly difficult amnesia is to fake. Which is great because you don't have many people to fool so the odds that it will work are skyrocketing. Your success is guaranteed.

Scorpio - Phillipe Petit, the man in "Man on Wire" is your inspiration for the week. Not that illegal activities and death defying performances should be your goal, but you shouldn't be afraid to show off a little bit as long as you can back up the swagger. Imagine what it would feel like to be standing 1350 feet above the ground and you're about to step out on to a wire. You should feel exhilarated enough to pull off a real showstopper. We're all holding out breath.

Sagittarius - The force is strong in this one Obi Wan. You have mastered the age old Jedi mind trick and are really having fun getting everybody to agree with you. However, this is not the way of the Jedi and you are in serious danger of finding yourself on the dark side. Sure it sounds sexy(black capes and jack boots)but you would soon discover that evil unopposed get's really boring. Dust off your light sabre and prepare to defend your ideas for a change.

Capricorn - Hey twinkle toes watch where you're walking! It doesn't matter that you didn't mean to hurt anyone, it's always the not meaning that hurts. Somewhere along the line you've done something glib, overlooked a reaction, given someone short shrift....things that would drive you crazy if the dance shoe was on the other foot. Stop for a moment right now and make the time to bring your people up to speed. They'll be much more help when they know what's going on.

Aquarius - Speaking of breathtaking, did you see the photos of the volcanic eruption near Tonga? Tectonic plates are shifting and what is happening is literally the birth of an island. Did you know that this is how Iceland formed? It's your creative visualization for the week. Recent disturbances have produced the material for some new land mass in your life. Fortunately unlike Tonga you are not threatened by a Tsunami. You might feel a bit weepy though.

Pisces - Holy shit the voices are really loud right now! And they're arguing. Which is good because it means that you're still nominally in control. A house divided and all that....just hang on for a bit longer, keep doing what you're doing and the demons will destroy each other. How long is longer? A month. What is it that you're doing? Working. Keep going; turn on the auto-pilot if you must. If you let it, work can create a sort of zen space for you right now.

Blogoscopes Week of March 16 to 23, 2009

2009-03-14T20:15:00.003-05:00

Aries - Holy shit people don't want much do they? Everything would be so great if they would just either get with the program or get out of your way. You wish they'd leave you alone and let you get on with it. This is a problem because right now you need those people the way chocolate needs peanut butter. They're the gooey bit that fills up all your empty spaces. Crunchy or smoothie you gotta love them.

Taurus - You're feeling all right just now. You got through that last bit - it was a good bit but stressful. You're sure there's more to come - you can almost hear the distant shouting - but you are determined to survive the next bit as well. Oh for heaven sake of course you'll survive it, it's just a bit of time management. Sometimes you need to not burn your bridges before you cross them.

Gemini - Every home should have a holy fool. An individual who is there when needed to point out the elephant in the room, and do it in a way that makes everyone laugh and feel better about living with an elephant. It won't make the elephant go away, but at least once everyone has acknowledged it you can get on with cleaning up all the pachyderm poop. Oh hey, what if your fool was also your cleaning lady?

Cancer - If you were a character on Lost you would be Jack. You're feeling confident, making solid decisions, and managing to convince those around you that there is hope and you do know what you're doing. Excellent, now relax, because this is the episode where you find out that there's a ship on the way, the pretty girl loves you and Sawyer is gay! Everything else was just a dream.

Leo - If cats could use can openers the human race would be doomed. Which is one way of saying that the rest of the world has caught on to your tricks. If you're rubbing around their ankles, it most likely means that you want something. Hark! The tsk of indignant Leos everywhere. Don't be coy, you know it's true. You should consider learning how to use a can opener. That's a metaphor.

Virgo - Somebody has been drawing lines in the sand and daring you to cross them. You don't know whether to take that dare or to draw your own line and demand some stepping. I don't see a win for you in either scenario. Why not try this instead: draw a huge wiggly amoeba in the sand - take your time, sing and dance as you do this. When it's finished, ask everybody including you to step inside it.

Libra - Have you ever wondered if maybe fish aren't the mindless salad ingredients we think they are? They are exotic enough to be aliens. There are enough of them to field a sizeable army. Is it possible that dolphins are actually controlled by fish in their search to conquer the world? Oh of course not, that's utter nonsense. Stop thinking these things immediately. On the other hand chickens might.....

Scorpio - When you were little you had a super hero costume. It didn't have tights and a cape. It didn't afford you any super powers. It did look like your everyday clothes and it did allow you to protect everybody you love. Actually sweetie it didn't and it still doesn't. In fact it barely protects your butt anymore. It's time to forget heroing and fully assume your secret identity.

Sagittarius - Not that there's anything wrong with your bladder, but if there were how would you let people know that you were in pain and didn't want to be touched? You could explain to others how you feel and tell them how you'd like to be treated. You wear a t-shirt that reads Renal Retentive. Or you could grab your crotch, cross your legs and bob up and down. Obviously communication is key.

Capricorn - If took last week's advice, right about now you're checking your speech notes, ready to debut the "BIG PLAN" to your nearest and dearest. Don't panic if they don't receive your ideas in quite the spirit you had hoped they would. Honestly some of them will get nasty. That's their thing - your thing is to realize that this is only a first draft. Don't scrap it, just edit.

Aquarius - This would be a good time for you to join a club. Sure you need lots of alone time but you're a social creature so act like one. What kind of club should you join? How about an association of individuals who enjoy the same things you do; who like to relax and laugh a bit and who really really want you to be happy. What is this organization? It's your fan club. Sign up now!

Pisces -

Blogoscopes Week of March 9 to 16, 2009

2009-03-08T15:25:00.004-05:00

Aries - There's nothing like a little time travel to broaden the mind although why you've chosen to revisit the 60's is anyone's guess. Oh sure you want to do something meaningful with your life, you want to save the world, we all get that, but you would be well advised to find a different vernacular and stop talking like a doped out reject from Haight-Ashbury.

Taurus - You overhear a thoughtless and cruel remark this week and instantly leap to confound and belittle the speaker in a dazzling display of rhetoric amd moral superiority. You've misconstrued the use of the word huge and mistakenly taken it personally but as luck would have it you realize this just as the elevator doors close. With luck anyone who witnessed it will just think you're crazy.

Gemini - You've tried to leave this movie theatre several times now and each time you stand up someone shouts you back into your seat. For heaven's sake they're only watching the trailers, what in the world would you be spoiling for them if you walked out now? Nothing. If you want to leave, then leave. But, if their good will means anything to you then just relax and wait it out.

Cancer - Are people stranger in the summer than they are in the winter? Not likely, but in the winter they're crazy at home where they won't bother anyone. Once the weather warms up they all come out of doors and act weird in front of the whole world. Perfect tine to test-drive your new attitude. If it doesn't workout right away, no one will notice amidst the chaos. Dementia could be the new black.

Leo - Did you ever hear the joke about the guy who dreamed he was eating a giant marshmallow and woke up to find his pillow was gone? Pay attention and keep this in mind as you fall asleep because you've recently developed a love for soft sweet things and if you were to have a similar dream you might wake up to discover your pillow, your duvet and your entire mattress have been eaten.

Virgo - You should consider moving all of your furniture to the centre of each room in your house. Shift it all - bookcases away from the walls, sofas in a heap, store some of it the basement or garage if you can but clear a pathway for yourself to be able to freely wander about your home waving your hands inthe air and shouting. No nothing is wrong, it will just feel really good to do this.

Libra - If you were the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland, you would never arrive anywhere on time. This would have absolutely nothing to do with your conscientousnous, your organizational skills or your memory. It would have more to do with the fact that every time you hear yourself singing "I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date...." you have to stop to try and remember the rest of the lyric.

Scorpio - All that you need to know this week is that you should watch "Life of Brian". Not the whole thing, just the last bit really. The crucifixion scene with everyone singing "Always Look On The Bright Side of Life". Watch it over and over and over. Dance to it. Do this everytime you feel the need to examine your life in depth. Believe me, it can wait.

Sagittarius - You have crossed the burning desert, you have swum the widest river, you have climbed to the top of the tallest mountain and you have seen your guru. He asked you if you wanted to smoke some sort of pipe and you wisely decided that you wouldn't so you left and came back home where you quietly went about doing the day to day things that have actual value and meaning.

Capricorn - Your relationship with paper is about to vastly improve. It's possible that you didn't realize how bad things have gotten, but paper has begun to feel that the two of you have a problematic, even antagonistic connection. Paper is prepared to take the first step on the road to conciliation, but you have to meet it half way. This week don't talk, write everything you want to say. Everything!

Aquarius - You have a job to be done this week and you need everyone to cooperate with you. Which they won't do if you don't take a moment to stop and explain to them what it is you're hoping to accomplish and how you would like them to help. None of them can read your mind and with your mouth full of chocolate cake they can barely understand a word you say.

Pisces - You bought the world's biggest pair of invisible headphones and they are doing an incredible job of blocking out all the annoying sounds from the world around you. Which is of course making it easy for you to ignore all the moaning and whining but means that you're missing a genuine request from a sane person who really needs your help.

Blogoscopes Week of March 2 to March 9, 2009

2009-02-28T14:53:00.006-05:00

Aries - Lion/lamb - March is supposed to come in like one, and go out like the other. So what do we make of this insane weather? Well either the lion is a pothead or the lamb is carrying a holy hand grenade. One thing is certain, the promise of spring has you eager to get out and the constant barking at the door is getting a little old. Stop being silly and just stand up and turn the handle. You are quite capable of opening your own doors.

Taurus - I don't know if I've confessed this to you but I've recently developed a mania for hidden object games which I play on line as often as possible. They've had an interesting affect on my visual acuity in the real world and I suddenly find myself constantly spotting odd objects in unexpected places. Maybe you should give them a try because so far you've failed to notice that sparkly thing beckoning you from a distant shore. There is a mini-puzzle for you to solve first and time is passing quickly!

Gemini - Welcome to your personal acid trip - I mean that in a good way. You don't seem to be completely anchored to the earth at this point which will lead to some interesting discoveries for you regarding friends and relations who are trying to communicate with you and the ways in which they go about this. Your altered perceptions help you see the heart beating in one person's words, tears in an other's music. A third someone will suddenly look like a great big doo-doo head.

Cancer - I'm looking over your grocery list for the week and I see eggs, tuna, flour, save the world, toilet paper....wait back up - save the world? While there is no doubt that a conscientious approach to what we consume is laudable, I'm not sure it qualifies as saving the world. Perhaps this is an indication of a deeper longing? Before you patch the hole in your super hero tights ask yourself what it is you're really trying to save.

Leo - I'm a big believer in the idea that if I'm happy the rest of the world is happy. Well the rest of my world anyway. This works because my personal satisfaction with life allows me to share more easily and joyfully with others. So, what I'm saying is that it's time to come down and return from your mountaintop, your walk-about, your yogic explorations and get with the sharing bit. Sure it's easy to be happy when you're in heaven but give it a test drive back here on earth.

Virgo - You are the current possessor of my absolute favourite super power. You can slow down time to such an extent that you appear to be moving at the speed of light. Five minutes from now your spouse burns dinner and you've ordered Thai before the smoke alarm goes off. Your boss is unhappy with this quarter's figures and you've re-worked the spreadsheet before his blood pressure spiked. The best part of this talent? No one has any idea how you do it.

Libra - You need to clarify things with your nearest and dearest. There may have been a slight misunderstanding about mutual goals and you are much more likely to get most of your own way and avoid an argument if you slow things down and take a look at where each of you thinks you're heading. Own your part of the confusion, but no more than your part, and try to stay cool about it. At least now you know where things were going wrong and you can correct your course.

Scorpio - A few weeks down the road, you may discover that you spent this week walking around with your skirt tucked into your tights or a big gob of spinach on your teeth but you know what? So what? By the time you learn this it will be a thing of the past. Plus, you're in such a good space right now why spoil it with unnecessary self-awareness? Of course when this later knowledge arrives you will also understand why some people seem to be avoiding you lately.

Sagittarius - If there is someone you know who is just aching for a few very special words from you, I beg of you please - do not say them! I'm not questioning your sincerity. You really mean every truly affectionate bon mot that drops from your lips. The reason I ask you to wait is that you seem so overwhelmingly happy with just about everybody and every thing right now that there's a certain drunken quality to your affection that will dilute it for your audience.

Capricorn - You have some of the weirdest fantasies of anyone I know. I ask you, if your dream of being loved and admired by every person on the planet, ever came true, what would you do for an encore? More importantly, in this fantasy have you ever sketched in the details of exactly why everyone would come to love you so much? Maybe you should give some daydreaming time to that. Imagine yourself being idolized for being brave and generous. Did that change the look on any worshippers' faces?

Aquarius - You are experiencing a little spiritual PMS. You're hyper aware of that bloated cranky feeling that comes from not having fully processed your latest growth spurt. To be fair, life has been coming at you full tilt for quite some time, but that is no excuse for ignoring your deepest needs. Think of this week as one big psychic personal day. Climb into metaphorical bed, pull the metaphorical covers over your head and ignore the metaphorical world for a while. Change the sheets first.

Pisces - Let's pretend that you've got amnesia. No, this is not an opportunity to blow off any work assignments, dinner engagements or other commitments you have made. It is an opportunity to put aside your carefully constructed concept of self and see yourself as others do. Turn to the people around you and ask them to tell you who you are. Don't do this to strangers on a crowded subway car, it's okay to remember who your friends are.

Blogoscopes Week of February 23 to March 2, 2009

2009-02-21T14:09:00.007-05:00

Aries - OK, quick, Romy or Michelle? Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Whence sprung your personal adolescent angst, and how do you wish it had turned out instead? Is this where you thought you'd be? If you don't know or just can't say, here's a hint - for good or ill, it's that thing that's on your mind just before you fall asleep every night.

Taurus - I was just thinking that there is something very Irish about Taurus and very Taurus about the Irish. That air of melancholy in the happiest moments and weird joy in the difficult ones is distinctly Taurus and something for which the Irish are famed. This week you'll be doing a lot of another Celtic Bull thing - shrugging and just getting on with it. Oh, and Ireland is a Taurus.

Gemini - Ever look at your old photos and try to remember why you took them? There was something in that moment that mattered to you even if you no longer recognize it. If you discard or delete the photo, have you also erased that moment? Does it mean anything to you now? You have an opportunity to see something that you might have missed earlier because you see it now with fresh eyes.

Cancer - Hey crabby pants, what's up with you? I am sure everybody gets that you're not happy, but I am equally certain that nobody knows why you're not happy - including you. You were in the home stretch there for a bit; ahead of the pack; so what happened? Hurdles a bit too high maybe? Course a little long hmmm? Look, life is not a race. Stop running. Concentrate on being here in stead of getting there.

Leo - You got left until the last choosing sides for dodge ball so now you wanna pout not play. Well try to see things their way. Each team wants to win right? And dodge ball is a game that requires intense concentration and agility right? And you have a tendency to get distracted by shiny things - right?. Right now you are not a good competitor. Up your game or ride the bench with a little more grace.

Virgo - Why is it called Heartburn? The burning part I get but where does the heart come into it? Anyway I mention it only to point out that you might yourself be experiencing some real heartburn this week when someone strikes an emotional spark for you. Depending on whether or not you fan the flames, you could have a cozy little fireside or a full on conflagration. Check your smoke alarms.

Libra - When you were a kid did you build leaf forts in autumn? Or did you build leaf houses like I did? What's the difference? The components of one are defense structure, ammo supplies and escape route: in the other it's furniture placement, windows and closet space. There is a third option you might consider for your leaf house - sometimes a well-defined door is all the defense you really need.

Scorpio - So you're loudly, and forcefully expressing a slightly unpopular opinion when suddenly every other sound in the room stops. Yikes, embarrassing or what? You want to avoid this but how do you do it? Well don't change your message - you may not be right but you have every right to feel the way you do. You should, however, give consideration to your delivery. Ever consider a ballad?

Sagittarius - Ever feel as though the universe is playing pinball with your life? Every time you give up, you get hit with something that throws you right back into the thick of the flashing lights and clanging bells, still with no clear idea where you're going. Why can't there just be one flashing light that says go here? Oh come on, you don't really want it to be that easy do you?

Capricorn - So you have started to bake a cake only to discover that you have none of the ingredients you need for this project. And let's just say for argument's sake that all the stores are closed. What to do? Why not borrow from your neighbours? An egg here, cup of sugar there, a little flour - no one will miss the small stuff you borrow. And when the cake is done you can share it. Aren't you smart?

Aquarius - I think it would be fair to say that most people would not attend a kegger intending to meet someone and discuss nihilism or the meaning of life. Seriously, at most parties you won't get any more philosophical than a discussion of the designated hitter rule. If you are determined to be a wet blanket consider hosting your own party and invite all the boring people you know.

Pisces - I think you would look fantastic in a pair of sparkly fairy wings! They suit your mood of magic benevolence and make it easier to travel from one good deed to the next. Consider a full-on Tinkerbell costume, because when reality bursts your bubble - and you know it will - you can easily repair your optimism with some fairy dust and a little applause. This is in no way meant as an endorsement of hallucinogenics.

Blogoscopes Week of February 16 to 23, 2009

2009-02-15T14:23:00.004-05:00

Aries - It may be time for you to check out a new playground: something a little further from home maybe: with abundant flora and friendly fauna. When you find it cast your eye about for some new playfellows. In the past you have been happy to spend solitary afternoons on the swings or the slide, but the hour is ripe for you to have a go on the teeter-totter.

Taurus - I'm issuing a challenge to all you Taurus out there.....I dare you to stop looking at the ground when you walk. Sure you know where you're headed but do you know why? Honestly if you can't lift your eyes and look at where you are on your journey there really doesn't seem to be any point in continuing does there? Of course goals and destinations are important, but so is the scenery. Heads up.

Gemini - Not that you've fallen in with a bad crowd, because you haven't, but what you have done is found yourself in the company of individuals so congenial and interesting that you will try anything to perpetuate this glorious happy feeling. Ask yourself which makes you happier - earning a living, or buying matching purple sequined crocs for all your friends? Not judging, just saying.

Cancer - You've given it a lot of thought lately and you feel absolutely certain that you're ready to take off the training wheels. Not long ago this would have seemed impossible, but now your confidence is high, probably due to your creative visualizations and practice. Start slowly - no free styling - and resist the urge to show off in case you fall off. Now go have fun.

Leo - A couple of years ago, I became convinced that all of my Libra friends had been kidnapped by aliens, or worse, stopped reading my blogoscopes. They were eventually returned unharmed after having wandered away from the group on a tour of the M.C. Escher museum. I'm wondering what weird sort of place you've wandered into and until I hear from you I'm going to be signalling the mother ship every night.

Virgo - What goes around, comes around; you reap what you sow; a bird in the hand is ....oops where was I? Oh yes, you shouldn't really be surprised at what is happening in your world right now. Experiencing a cosmic accident or achieving a life dream, this is not what you expected. It's way more. The sooner you realize that this truly is yours the easier it gets.

Libra - Alright, the Oscars are coming up and I don't want you to make the same mistakes you made on the red carpet at the Grammys. Invisible is not a good look for you: no one will interview you and people will sit on you at the after parties. Let's get a little colour and some glam going here. For the next week, I want you to practice being stared at and liking it!

Scorpio - There should be a voicemail service where you can leave yourself long wordy messages when ever you want. You could be walking down the street and get a great idea, dial this number and tell it everything. Forget the 30 second memo stuff you get on cells and MP3's, forget three minutes messages, this would have some serious minutes. You might have time to forget yourself and speak your heart.

Sagittarius - It won't matter in the slightest what you get done or don't get done these days because you will still have the feeling that there's something really important that you've neglected to do. You'll either run around like a chicken with your head cut off asking every body if they know what you've forgotten, or brood while gnawing on a hang nail and snarling. Who's a ray of sunshine?

Capricorn - So you signed up for Frisbee golf and some how ended up in a beginners class on boomerang golf. This is a very complicated game and frankly you suck at it. Not that your classmates are any better - in fact you're too busy ducking other people's throws to have a chance of catching your own. How the hell did this happen? You best just assume that it's a dream and get it interpreted.

Aquarius - So here's how your own personal meet/cute will play out in the week ahead. You do something scandalous. You're an overnight sensation, the press are hounding you and there's no where for you to be alone. You sneak out the back door, bump in to a cub reporter, convince him/her that you're not the droid s/he seeks. Where confusion goes can hilarity be far behind? You'll live happily ever after.

Pisces - I think it's in every body's best interests for you to go to your time out chair for a little while. You're over tired, probably haven't eaten properly today and you're a little inclined to get cranky, possibly even pushy. Now I want you to go to your chair and just think about what's really going on here. I've made you a sandwich and here's your blankie. I'll wake you up for Y&R.

Blogoscopes Week of February 9 to 16, 2009

2009-02-08T13:30:00.004-05:00

Aries - Quick, off the top of your head, name three places where it would be completely inappropriate to laugh or to shag. Now, unless you're feeling particularly devil may care these days avoid those places for the next week. If any of the three is a place within your own home, look up the meaning of inappropriate.

Taurus - Your current Game Master is a goof; no clue about settings and wouldn't know a dragon from a dwarf. The goals are either ludicrously easy or impossibly arcane and no one is enjoying this. Time for you to stage a coup. You know you've got the goods so take control and create a new plot. Just remember that is is only a game. Don't take it so seriously.

Gemini - My grandmother used to say she could predict the weather by her sciatica. Impending bad news she could "feel in {her} waters" - I try not to think about what that means. You may be feeling similar warning twinges in your psychic bone this week and you would be well advised to heed them. That flickering in your peripheral vision is a steep drop.

Cancer - This would be a good time for you to take one of those mystery bus tours. You know the ones I mean right? You join a group of like-minded strangers (or fellow Rotarians), board a big bus for a day trip whose ultimate destination is unknown to all but the driver and the tour organizer. I predict that you'll be the one to convince the truck stop waitress that she does have seating for 53.

Leo - You're in the mood to buy some new bling. It must be tasteful and elegant but also unique and eye catching. You realize that your baubles say a lot about who you are and you need to choose carefully. Which is why you should wait a bit because right now you would either blow a wad on something you will ultimately hate, or drive the sales people crazy while you try to make up your mind.

Virgo - You're apt to spend the next few days believing that you're only dreaming what's happening around you but being quite content to relax and enjoy it in the meantime. This is good because it's not that dream where you're naked in history class, and the release that stems from this perceived lack of consequences will be the creative energy behind some of your best ideas ever.

Libra - So you're cooking a four course meal - yes I know but bear with me for a moment - and no one ever told you that you shouldn't have all four courses ready at the same time. No worries, just slap the chocolate mousse right down there beside the brussel sprouts and throw a little gravy on the salad. All of which should serve to remind you that when you must do it yourself, find instructions.

Scorpio - I'm looking at your chart this week and thinking what a brilliant idea - combine James Joyce's Ulysses with Mr. Magoo - wandering around blindly using your outside voice to describe your inner stuff. For some reason this is having a positive effect on your world - enjoy it.

Sagittarius - Someone close to you doesn't like your moustache. You've know this for a long time and it's never been a really big deal. Lately you've taken to playing with it, publicly grooming it, even waxing it all in order to evoke a response. Stop before you get what you want. It's become an issue; it needs to be addressed - sensitively. Some people simply have issues and it's best not to sneer.

Capricorn - Have I suggested Interpretive Dance Classes to you lately? Sorry if this is a rerun, but really you need to find a new way of communicating and I think this is the perfect medium for your message. You've already tried reasoning, threatening and begging and look where that got you. At the very least you should confuse and confound the buggers.

Aquarius - Now is the time for some real diva behaviour. The lighting is insipid, the sound track uninspired and your co-star reeks of garlic! You cannot possibly be expected to turn in a perfomance under these conditions so throw a fit and stalk off. If you're new at this (by which I mean self-deluded) wait until you're locked in your trailer to start yelling abuse.

Pisces - You probalby don't know it yet, but in the very near future you're going to need to ask someone for help. No big deal, could be lifting a box, driving you to the airport, lending you a fiver: but while it may seem like a small thing to you, the person you're asking may not see it that way. They certainly won't share your view if you spend all your time abusing them.

Blogoscopes Week of February 2 to 9, 2009

2009-01-30T20:38:00.021-05:00

Aries - When you watch this video, do you feel like all The Pussycat Dolls are breaking up with you or just Nicole? I myself feel that it would be better to have all five of them breaking up with you because it's less personal somehow. So don't worry about it: it's not you, it's them. Just walk away! If I were your agent, I'd recommend a spiritual retreat for a couple of weeks. Who loves ya baby?

Taurus - There is something vaguely ridiculous to me about old rock and roll acts who tour playing their old hits note for note. Or those "Somebody Famous - and Friends" compilation things. If it's really just because they enjoy being together why do they have to sell it. It's like it's their hobby now, not their passion, and hobbies are for basements. Passion, on the other hand deserves the spotlight so grab some now! The only way to mess it up is by trying to be someone you used to be.

Gemini - I'm not sure if you're familiar with KC & The Sunshine Band, but KC is the geeky white guy in the cape who was responsible for the music that inspired a lot of tawdry sex in the 70's. It may have been a dark era musically, but I dare you to find anything more danceable than That's The Way (uh huh uh huh) I Like It (uh huh uh huh). Similarly, this week many people will be surprised to discover that you are the geeky white guy in the cape, and the music you're making will lead to explosions of creative lust and lusty creation.

Cancer - Normally under these influences I'd be playing you some deep dirge from The Boss about how you're stuck living in your golden days of yore, but honestly these days I can barely distinguish Springsteen from Melissa Etheridge - musically I mean. Thankfully you seem intent on boldly going beyond what anyone expected of you in the past. Not only are you happily looking ahead to the best years of your life, but you've completely avoided melodic androgyny.

Leo - Someone you don't know too well has dragged you to a concert by an artist you've never wanted to see. Your seats are in the nosebleeds, and your date/guide left 45 minutes ago for the toilets and hasn't been seen since. Tough call here - do you want to make friends with the people sitting near you and maybe bob your head in time to the music or do you want to stare blankly into the distance and pretend that all of this is on purpose?

Virgo - Your parents have been much more relaxed since they discovered that the Valentine Dance is chaperoned. Of course that's because they think you're actually going to the dance. You, on the other hand have much bigger plans. There's a whole grown up world of fun waiting out there for you and gosh golly, you're going to embrace it.Just be aware that your is an android and that there's a satellite with your name on it watching every move you make.

Libra - Here you are at the back of the line, behind exact-change-woman, price-check-family and the more-than-8-items-guy. There is no need whatsoever to beat yourself up about your choice of cashier lane - it was going to be exactly like this no matter what you did. You can take control of the situation set down your groceries and walk out, or you can flirt with the person ahead of you. Go on - say something nice about their produce.

Scorpio - It feels as though you may be waking up in an alley with your pants around your ankles. While I can't vouch for the whereabouts of your under garments, I can assure you that your person is quite safe no matter where you are. Try thinking of this portion of your life as an adventure holiday. Maybe you can build the natives a hut or something: just don't flash a lot of cash and I think you'll find that this phase - and it is a phase - can introduce you to a whole new social sphere.

Sagittarius - I have no clue where this energy you're feeling is coming from, but I know what you should do with it.Like a lit candle in a fireworks factory, you are poised to light things up in a big way. Oh sure, you'll be burning a few bridges, but at the same time you can roast a lot of marshmallows, so good result. The messiest part of any conflagration is the soggy aftermath - keep the flames going as long as you can.

Capricorn - Over the course of a life time it is often a good idea to take some time and re-evaluate the current status of all your relationships. Face facts - there are a lot of people in your world whose sole purpose seems to be to get in your way and that is not just rude, it's unbelievably annoying. It's possible that they are trying to get your attention. Ignore them. Watch where you're walking and let the rest of them hustle to catch up.

Aquarius - Your life has been invaded by gangsters intent on holing up at your place for a shoot out with the forces of law and order. Why you? Why not? This is not personal and has nothing to do with you or your value as a human being. It's just one of those things. It's also a chance to take a stand. Uphold authority and refuse all succor to the invaders; succumb to Stockhom syndrome and join the scofflaws or hide in the basement and wait for it all to end.

Pisces - Opening night and you've pulled a muscle. Can't go on, doctor's orders. When the papers come out tomorrow morning, your understudy will be the talk of the town. Should it have been you? You've worked hard to get here, why should you be sidelined and have to watch some nobody get all the glory? Oh stop whining: you were only doing it because you didn't know how to stop. Now you do. Be gracious about it and you can still get some good press.

Blogoscopes Week of January 26 to February 2, 2009

2009-01-24T17:52:00.007-05:00

Aries - This week as you rediscover the cathartic joys of singing in the shower while you wash that man-woman-weigh-scale-bank manager right out of your hair you suddenly feel as though you're being watched. A quick peep will verify that yes you do have an audience and yes they are enjoying themselves. That's just swell but remember, when you hit the big time and they're all claiming they "discovered" you, let them take all kinds of credit but keep their hands off of your royalties!

Taurus - You are experiencing every teacher's dream. Surrounded by a sea of bright, eager faces, you find yourself in command of an audience who are here to learn - from you! Look how they adore, respect and even idolize you. Exciting as it is to have an audience, try to keep in mind that they're not all as bright as they look and some of them will have a very hard time keeping up. Be patient, be kind, and be aware that when you're writing on the blackboard some of them are throwing spitballs at your head.

Gemini - Have you ever seen two people together - in business, romance or just plain cahoots - and wondered "how did that happen?" I'll tell you how. One of those two was once where you are now - feeling kind, generous and contented with their lot in life. That went on for just a tad too long. Person number 2 shows up and kind, generous, contented person (tired of being kind, generous and contented but all alone) gives far too much to person number 2. You're #1! Remember that.

Cancer - This week you flash back to when you were 6 and having trouble in school. The teacher came to see to your mom and dad and you had to stay in the room and listen to them talk about you although no one was talking to you and you certainly weren't allowed to have any say. So you sat in a corner and worked on a jigsaw puzzle until your little brother came and knocked it over. You jumped up shouting and then found all the grown ups giving you that look. Relax, it's only for a week.

Leo - So things weren't challenging enough in your life and you felt strongly that learning another language would fill that hole and bring a new dimension of wonderfulness to your life. Now it's the night before the final, you barely attended classes, you borrowed notes from someone who speaks neither the language you're studying nor English. Don't panic; it's astonishing how much you can learn just by sitting a classroom. The knowledge is deep in your psyche:stop thinking, just answer.

Virgo - You're beginning to feel as though you've walked into a room full of sulky little brats who are all whining and pouting about something or other and how things just aren't fair. How tempting would it be to join them eh? Just sit down on your very own time out stool, cross your arms stick out your lower lip and make "don't want to" your standard response to any and all communications. Or you could start off a game of dodge ball; let everyone get it out of their system.

Libra - You're having dinner at a great restaurant with a bunch of your closest friends and when the meals start to arrive yours is wrong. You're a meat lover and they brought lobster or your veggie loving self just got presented with the filet Mignon. Any way you slice and dice it a mistake has been made. Don't panic! Whatever it is you are not allergic! Let's not worry about whose fault it is - did you mumble or the waiter forget - let's just get it corrected: quietly.

Scorpio - If I said that you had super powers would you believe me? Normally no, but now if I made that claim you'd be cape shopping before I could stop you. Which is not to say that you're not super because you are, but your superness doesn't involve powers of flight, psychic abilities or apparently, persuasion. Hey, not our fault. We don't believe that you're faster than a speeding bullet because you don't believe it. Give it a little love - you look good in tights.

Sagittarius - Today might be the day you look around and realize you want a side split ranch on ten acres in the Muskoka's. Or you might simply decide that you want to paint the bathroom red. You're itching for change but you're not sure what needs to be different. Can I recommend starting at the paint store & working up to real estate. Changes don't always have to be big to feel big and if you discover that you really want it you can paint the bathroom red in the side split.

Capricorn - There's a new comedy on CBC called Being Erica and apparently it's a prettier version your life this week. I haven't seen it, but from what I overheard on the streetcar it involves going back in time to relive your life altering events, which (fingers-crossed) has a positive effect on the life you have now. You have no control over the timing of these time trips and no way to avoid them: which is fine because you're about to discover you have nothing to regret.

Aquarius - For a sadly brief moment in time this week, the lights are going to go out where you are. Power surge, practical joke or the end of the world, you'll find yourself, along with several others, standing in the stunned silence that follows the arrival of total darkness and that mass sudden intake of breath. Quick, while no one can see, rearrange all of the furnishings. If you're fast you won't get caught and you will have the satisfaction of turning at least part of the world on its head.

Pisces - Apparently there are things done in the name of love which are not positive and do not have the loving results intended. If this were not true our legal system would be way less busy. You are guilty of the crime of loving too much and when your amor discovers what you've been hiding for amor's "own good" you might not be feeling the love. If you can't bring yourself to confess what you've done in words, try explaining your motivations through interpretive dance.

Blogoscopes Week of January 19 to 26, 2009

2009-01-17T12:08:00.004-05:00

Aries - You feel great and everything is running very smoothly right now. No it's not. Yes it is. No it's not. Yes it...arrrrgh. Okay it should be running smoothly because you've got tons of energy and you're in a great frame of mind, but when you're at work all you can think about is home and when you're at home all you can think about is work. This is the sort of vibe that makes puppies chase their tails. Sometimes the only thing to do is run in circles really fast until you get dizzy and fall down.

Taurus - This would be a good week to find a new place to drop in for your latte in the morning, your chef's salad at lunch or your cocktail after work. It's one thing to feel a sense of community with the barrista who foams your milk, the counter help who remembers your extra olives or the barkeep who pours your pint; it's when they start to feel like family that you need to step back. Spend a week in similar environments with people who are strangers and watch what that does to your outlook.

Gemini - Being a Gemini means never being alone. You always have your twin, like a reflection in a mirror to talk things over with. It is vital that you remember that not everybody lives in that mirror. Many of us didn't hear the first half of the conversation you're having with yourself. We don't know these people you're talking about and this is the first we've learned about your sex change. The other way we differ from your mirror is that we don't always tell you what you want to hear.

Cancer - Being paranoid does not mean that there are not people following you. However, just because somebody is walking behind you, it doesn't necessarily mean they are following you. It is possible that they're just going your way. Relax, act natural and stop glaring at everybody over your shoulder. Constantly looking backward means you're not watching where you're headed. And if you get yourself lost you will be glad there's someone around who appears to know where you're going.

Leo - Who can turn the world on with {their} smile? Ah come on you know it's you. You woke up in a very good mood this morning and that will probably last for quite a while so don't be surprised if you find perfect strangers, smiling and waving or calling out greetings. You're a regular little Mary Tyler Moore, ready to take the world by storm gosh darn it and isn't everything just super? Do yourself a favour and save the singing and dancing numbers for home not public.

Virgo - There is a disruption in the space time continuum this week and thing unfold in a very different manner depending on whether you were born in August or September. August Virgos have the gift of gab and despite a Mercury retrograde you could sell handbags to amputees. Should a September Virgo try the same thing, they are most likely to get arrested for purse snatching. All of you are talking from the heart, but not every one can hear that. Judge your words accordingly.

Libra - For someone who craves tranquility, you spend an awful lot of time storm chasing. You're dancing with a funnel cloud and thinking you're immune to getting carried away. Would you recognize your danger if I put it another way? You're close to getting sucked up! We both know there's a place in the centre of all this that contains the peace you seek, but right now you don't have what it takes to make it through the wall of wind to get there. Blanket! Couch ! Now!

Scorpio - It's a common human failing, when confronted by an individual who - for whatever reason - is unable to understand what we are saying, instead of changing our words or even our language, we just talk louder. So, in the days ahead if you discover that a larger than usual number of people are running away from you, it likely has nothing to do with the quality of your ideas, it's just the volume at which you are expressing them. Softly, softly catchy monkey.

Sagittarius - I always laud Sagittarius as the truth tellers and the danger right now is that you'll tell someone that yes their butt does look fat in those pants, even before the question is posed. Fortunately you are just as likely to shrug and change your mind if this appears to upset anyone. In order to have a great week you should answer all questions honestly but with greater tact than you might normally exhibit. If you can't be kind when you speak, at least don't speak until you're asked.

Capricorn - Don't talk to Sagittarius this week. You're premiering a new you these days. There have been a lot of changes under the hood and now you're test driving things to see if your performance has increased. You don't look any different, but something inside has altered. People may not remark on it right away but they will catch on to the new you. So stop asking everyone if they've noticed anything different; just quietly go about your business in your new way and wait for the applause.

Aquarius - This is one of those times when you look around you and say to yourself "oh my, how did this happen? what could I have done differently and how can I avoid a future repeat of this incident?" All very good questions and the answers are something that only you will be able to find. For one thing, no one else will even have realized that anything has happened, and any attempt to get their opinions or (heaven forbid) assistance, will end in disaster. This is a DIY project and you're best off working alone until you figure it out.

Pisces - You are the exact opposite of The Creature from the Black Lagoon. Not only do you not have gills, webbed feet and green scaly skin, but leaving your sub-aqueous lair in search of your heart's desire will be a good thing that will in no way result in your being captured by ruthless scientists who restrain you until you are forced to kill them in order to escape. So, to recap, yes you'd rather stay indoors but you won't catch any fish that way.

Blogoscope Week of January 12 to 19, 2009

2009-01-10T13:29:00.005-05:00

Aries - The bane of my existence is the downtown, underground Path at lunch time. It is crowded, chaotic and loud, with all the charm of a flaming ant hill. When forced to venture into the depths I obey a few simple rules and I think you will find them helpful this week - know where you're heading and why; wear sensible shoes; and move against the crowd not with it. Wherever it is that everybody else is headed, you do not want to go there.

Taurus - Okay, so you wake up one morning and you can't remember who you are. Don't panic, and don't let on to any one. Carry a book and if somebody asks you a question pretend to be too engrossed in reading to respond. Be deep - insist on giving enormous amounts of thought to everything. Wear an air of constant distraction and if all else fails feign illness and go back to bed. Oh, and in case you were wondering this would not be the time to accept a marriage proposal.

Gemini - It is the season for the Annual General Meeting of the Gemini fan club and you are polishing your gavel in anticipation of calling everyone to order. There is much to be done and this is no time for shilly-shallying, dilly-dallying or fiddle faddling! You want every detail to be absolutely perfect: i's dotted, t's crossed, like in the word military. Maybe you want to ease up a bit. Other people can be right too. Cooperation has an i and a t! Whaddya say?

Cancer - Woohoo! Conga! You are the life and soul of the party and with the support of a kick-ass rhythm section you've got the whole place happily cavorting along in your wake.....and suddenly it's time to go back to work. You don't want to leave the party and they don't want you to go! What to do, what to do? Can you take them to work with you? No, well how about a lunch time samba session? Can everyone hang on until then?

Leo - I had a dream last night that you had become a professional mime. You were travelling the world attending all the biggest busking festivals and your speciality was the silent seduction. You were a superstar in whiteface and eyeliner, adored from here to Helsinki. You were so happy and yet so alone. Maybe because you can't phone long distance in mime? People are wondering where you are so hire a translator and make the call.

Virgo - It can be really hard to get good help, but if you're honest you don't really need help do you? You seem to have everything nicely under control all on your own. Neither do you need a fan club - distant adoration doesn't have the same sense of awed wonderment as the up close and personal. The entourage is overworked to the point of passe, ditto the protege. What do you say to the idea of an acolyte - or two? Could you be worshipped?

Libra - Some people are never happy. They are miserable and glowery no matter what. Others are just naturally effervescent. They bubble along happily through life taking it all in and enjoying every minute of it. And then there's you. Oh sure it's possible that you look eternally dour or endlessly stoked but that's just a cover to keep people off your back. On the inside you are just absolutely happy enough thank you very much.

Scorpio - MP3 players and their ilk are the perfect foil to the buzz kill that is public transit. You may be feeling a bit tetchy these days and need to separate yourself from the masses so turn it up and let the music get you into your own private groove. Do not be surprised, however, if you get carried away and suddenly surface to find yourself in a full on song and dance number with a crowd of your fellow commuters.

Sagittarius - Do you know the story of the Emperor's New Clothes? Not that you could be tricked into fake finery, nor would it disturb you to be walking naked down a busy street, but you may be under a misapprehension about the admiring glances. Sure, people are staring at you, but it's possible that they're not thinking about you. They maybe wondering if it's time to replace their home insulation.

Capricorn - This week the meter man drops by for his readings and finds you in a philosophical frame of mind. You talk him into accepting a cup of coffee and the two of you have a lengthy discussion about life, love and the nature of the universe. It's good for you to make new friends and it never hurts to have a radically different perspective on things. Just be sure he doesn't get the wrong impression.

Aquarius - You are about to take the term financial wizard through to it's logical conclusion and earn yourself a new position in the company by wearing a tall pointy hat with stars on it. Let the CEO get a look at your wand and you might find yourself standing behind the throne - an excellent position for seeing everybody and for making things happen. Smile and wave to your friends.

Pisces - I think it's great - nay, admirable that you have such a clear vision of where you're going and what you're doing. I can also understand how annoying it is that everyone seems so determined to get in your way. Have you ever stopped to consider that perhaps your path to success is cutting through their back yard and that you're traipsing grass clippings all over the place?

Blogoscopes Week of January 5 to 12, 2009

2009-01-03T11:21:00.005-05:00

Aries - I highly recommend that you start locking your bedroom door at night - oh and sleep alone. How long you need to do this depends on whether or not you're a morning person. The bellhop of life is coming to knock you up - as they say - and it's down to you whether he gets a kiss or a shiner.

Taurus - An out of body experience lets you go anywhere and see everything. You should use this one to stay where you are and watch your own life. Treat it like an experiment if you must, but focus on every single feeling you have. Forget consequences, think now and ask yourself why you make the choices you do.

Gemini - It's time to paint the kitchen. I know, the kitchen does not need re-painting, and yet it must be painted. You will have to do all that patching, sanding, taping and priming and a perfect job is expected of you. Sound boring? What if you painted stripes of orange green and purple? Would you like that?

Cancer - Those weren't really lies you told, they were stories, and a good narration has to go where the plot beckons. That being said, you didn't exactly start out with a disclaimer did you? How you get out of this depends on how many people believed you when you said you used to date Paris Hilton's maid. As if!

Leo - Yippee! 2009 is here! This is the year you say thanks for all the help and support you've been getting and throw a big celebration to honour your loved ones. Please do not make it a surprise party - you'll be the astonished one; and try to keep it simple. No more than three marching bands in the kitchen at one time.

Virgo - Whoa, somebody had too much sugar over the holidays. This zeal for action can lead to overdoing it on multiple levels all at the same time. Take care lest you pass out while jumping on the bed shouting obscenities while laughing maniacally. Use that energy to clean out your closets instead.

Libra - Now that you've ordered that pizza you should invite some people over to help you eat it. A large cheesy pie and a cold six-pack shared with friends sounds like a nice idea doesn't it? You don't want to have to eat and drink that all by yourself do you? Besides, they might help pay for it.

Scorpio - Gimme an S, gimme a C, gimme an...oh hell you get the picture. And so will everybody else if you put all of your energy into communicating it. A catchy rhyme and a good beat wouldn't hurt either. Just remember that you are a one person pep squad so don't be attempting any pyramids.

Sagittarius - If I said "second star to the right and straight on till morning" would you know what I meant? What if I sprinkled some fairy dust on you and said it again? Okay it's from Peter Pan and I'm telling you that in the days to come an open mind and a close friend can really make things take off!

Capricorn - Have you ever thought about attending clown school? Big shoes, loud pants, painted faces and crazy noise makers - sounds like fun doesn't it? Would you be happier if I reminded you that clowns can also say and do whatever they want with impunity. Here's your chance to tweak a nose or two.

Aquarius - You're standing there being cool and eccentric, letting people admire you, and you suddenly see something shiny and round roll to a stop at your feet. Is it a ball or a bomb? Is it for you or someone else? Do you want it or not? Better make up your mind before your back seizes up and you can't bend down to get it.

Pisces - The beautician gave you the wrong cream and instead of flawless skin, you are now sporting the pimple that ate New York. You can handle this in one of two ways: crawl into bed and avoid everyone until the redness and swelling subside or; grab your soap box and tell the world about the evils of cosmetics.

Blogoscopes Week of December 29, 2008 to January 5, 2009

2008-12-26T19:38:00.004-05:00

Aries - You're hosting this year's New Year's Eve party which means you have only a few days to decorate the house, organize the food and practice counting backward from ten - prioritize these anyway you see fit. Forget about sending out invites, everyone will be showing up at your place anyway.

Taurus - You suddenly discover that someone has been calling your name for about least forty eight hours. Yes they did ask you a question and yes they are expecting an answer. Buy yourself time by flashing a smile and asking your own question. When that doesn't work - and it won't - just admit that you weren't paying attention.

Gemini - Snorkeling and scuba diving are very different activities. Snorkeling provides an opportunity to watch the sun sparkle on coral, to swim with shoals of brightly coloured fish and play with rays. Scuba is what you do when you want to see an octopus. Fill your tank for a dive but beware of the tentacles in dark places.

Cancer - If you're hosting a holiday meal, whether in home or out, make sure that you've got enough to go around. It's great to be generous and open handed with friends and loved ones, especially at this time of year, but you don't want to find yourself short on turkey or cash. Double check your recipes to avoid embarrassment.

Leo - In line for a bus on Christmas eve, I heard a guy behind me hailing every thing as a Christmas miracle. The bus arrived - Christmas miracle. The bus departed - Christmas miracle. You and I have to face the fact that not every one wants to be rational. Finding the strength to avoid smacking them - Christmas miracle.

Virgo - You're a little bit like Dr. Doolittle's Pushmi-pullyu these days, trying to go in two directions at once and generally settling for not going anywhere at all. Relax, just give in to it and enjoy the stasis. Less rushing around means that more gets done and when your friends come calling they're sure to find you at home.

Libra - Someone really should train a dog or a monkey or some animal that can be your guide and helper for those times when you drift off into the world of daydreams and are prone to wandering out into traffic. It would be a bonus if that helper were also able to speak on your behalf even if only to tell pests to bugger off.

Scorpio - If it's not broke don't fix it. If you just can't keep yourself from meddling then the whole thing will be destroyed before too long. Hairline cracks will become gigantic fault lines if you keep obsessing. Can't leave it alone? Stop picking and take a hammer to it - that way at least you'll know it's broken.

Sagittarius - There is no doubt that when you're right you're right. Or at least there's no doubt that when you believe you're right there's no changing your mind. This week you'll meet someone whose view point tallies so closely with your own that you believe them to be a messiah. Be sure you're not talking to your reflection.

Capricorn - You're in a sticky situation: you're less than certain that you're doing the right thing, and your role models have gone away on vacation leaving you with no guide to illuminate the path. You can just do nothing until they get back or you can decide for yourself what's your best course of action - oooh, scary.

Aquarius - There's a better than average chance that you'll be trying to help out a homeless guy this week and suddenly find yourself in trouble when he turns out to be an undercover cop who misunderstands your offers of assistance. Stay in the real world, talk less than normal and be careful whose hand you take.

Pisces - Give it up. Whatever it is you're trying to sell no one will be buying. You just look as though you're playing some adorable children's version of capitalism and democracy. Many will be drawn to what they view as your eccentricity, no one will be alienated, but you will be incredibly frustrated.

Blogoscopes, Week of December 22 to 29, 2008

2008-12-20T13:06:00.003-05:00

Aries - Best Gift: Handheld GPS Unit so you don't have to worry about where you're going. New Year's Resolution: Watch your posture. Dancing will correct that stoop.

Taurus - Best Gift: A crate of pink glow sticks so that wherever you go things look rosy. New Year's Resolution: Join a local choir. Your voice needs to be heard.

Gemini - Best Gift: A loom - the tedium of the shuttle creating the warp and woof of beautiful fabric. New Year's Resolution: Less planning, more daydreaming.

Cancer - Best Gift: A puppet theatre - a taste of power and a chance to speak the unspeakable. New Year's Resolution: Say 'no' more often and mean it.

Leo - Best Gift: Trapeze lessons - perfect the art of putting your feet up - also a pound of licorice. New Year's Resolution: Improve self-esteem - yes really.

Virgo - Best Gift: Tap shoes so you can begin to save the world through interpretive dance. New Year's Resolution: Let other people do some of the work.

Libra - Best Gift: Local phrase book, so you can understand what the people around you are saying. New Year's Resolution: No more mixing of booze and pranks.

Scorpio - Best Gift: Gold plated 'Get Out of Jail Free' card - wear it everywhere. New Year's Resolution: Audition for role on 24, learn to use chopsticks.

Sagittarius - Best Gift: Wii American Idol - find out if you've truly got what it takes. New Year's Resolution: Get tuxedo from dry cleaners, buy martini shaker.

Capricorn - Best Gift: Binoculars so you can clearly see what's right under your nose. New Year's Resolution: Spend more time looking down nose.

Aquarius - Best Gift: A two headed coin insures there's absolutely no way you can lose. New Year's Resolution: Stop compulsively checking bank balance.

Pisces - Best Gift: Personal dirigible with your name blazoned on the side - perfect for buzzing around town. New Year's Resolution: Wear more red.

Blogoscopes week of December 15 to 22, 2008

2008-12-14T14:15:00.006-05:00

Aries - Thankfully the weather is still cold enough to require wearing a hat because I can tell you right now that not everyone is going to love that new hairdo you're sporting. Try to deal with people at arms length for a few days - phone, email, letters; but it won't be possible to avoid all human contact so you should have a handy tam.

Taurus - Heads up! I want you to be prepared just in case the ghost of Christmas past comes for you this week. You are not a Scrooge, this spectre just wants to reminisce - which is fine up to a point. Take control, lead the way, carry only one bottle of wine and get a friend to phone you a 1/2hour before you have to leave.

Gemini - This is just wrong - there is so much you need to get done and everyone is being highly obstructive. Well they're not really getting in your way it's more like they've abandoned you to get on with things by yourself, which is mean because they know you can't do this without them. Do they know? And do you need them?

Cancer - You really want that red car. Really. Want. Red. It's hardly even about the car at this point, it's just about the red. No one had better tell you that you can't have the red. Red says a lot about you - if you want to let yourself be so narrowly defined. Have you considered pink? Ah, see how nice that is?

Leo - You are very creative. You've got a vivid imagination, a good eye and a keen sense of drama. But I certainly would not call what you're doing now 'art'. No my dear, it's not research for a role either. Everything tastes good with rum and chip dip comes in a million flavours. Just admit it - you're goofing off.

Virgo - You may be tempted to volunteer to work in a soup kitchen this holiday season. That's very kind of you but chances are the you'll get distracted with business calls and drop your blackberry in the chicken noodle. Put your talents to better use by organizing all your friends to do the work while you supervise.

Libra - Wear headphones. Plug them into something portable with a long play list and don't take them off until next week. Things are changing all around you right now. Big things, little things, in a good way and as if by magic. The reason I suggest the phones is that some changes make disturbing sounds. Try not to listen.

Scorpio - Bubble baths, quiet music, pleasant conversation with close friends, afternoon naps and perhaps a visit to an art gallery; schedule your week around this kind of activity and then near the weekend, when you've lulled your brain into a stupor have that chat with you-know-who. Be relaxed, be honest. Repeat as needed.

Sagittarius - A crowd is chasing you down the street. Depending on what time of day it is you can be convinced that they're all trying to stop you; that they all want an autograph; or that everybody - including you - thinks you're shooting a musical. Truly? They're trying to tell you your back wheel fell off. Ah who cares?

Capricorn - Have you ever heard of the witness protection program? Just kidding; it seems that wherever you are at the moment is where the action is. Which is why I'm going to suggest that you relocate the happening to someone else's home. You've got enough going on in your world without getting stuck with the clean up too.

Aquarius - Everybody is watching you right now. Most of them don't have any idea what it is they're looking at or why they're watching you, but that won't stop them from noticing if you make the slightest mistake. Fortunately for you, you're at your best when you're at your worst. Just try not to blind them.

Pisces - You know how sometimes you just know something and you can't explain how you know it? Not psychic gifts, but just knowing how you feel even when it defies all logic; it's an unshakable certainty. Which is why I stand behind you now and fully support your refusal to eat that icky stuff even if it's good for you.

Blogoscopes Week of December 8 to 15, 2008

2008-12-05T19:23:00.006-05:00

Aries - You are currently facing one of the toughest decisions of your life! Should you go shopping and buy something special for your self or should you lie on the couch eating Cheetos and watching TV all day? This is what the Internet was created for. You can choose to lie on the couch eating Cheetos and shop on-line during commercial breaks! Create your own a perfect world.

Taurus - This week you will have one of those dreams where you're running as fast as you can and still getting nowhere. It might help if while you're dreaming you can find a way to ask yourself where it is exactly that you are running to. I know, these dreams rarely have that kind of logic but try it anyway. There's every chance that you're already on the bus you're trying to catch.

Gemini - I have what I like to think is a dirty little secret. I love trashy Pop Culture Garbage. Love It! The Superficial writer is my future-ex husband and I'm cheating on him with Perez Hilton. But where else could you find such perfectly pithy wit....hmmm?

Cancer - Hey I didn't make the Zodiac so don't blame me for the fact that you're always following Geminis around and getting their cast offs. I'd be crabby too. Try not to think second-hand, think valet service. Like having someone to to break in your new shoes for you; test drive your cars; raise your kids - something helpful like that. There can be a bright side you know.

Leo - Ever consider taking a course? Not talking degree stuff here, what about hip hop lessons? How do you feel about clay? When was the last time you finger painted? Pick something funky because this is the only conceivable means by which you are going to get your point across. Hey when nobody's listening abstract expressionism is the only way to go. Try Jazz!

Virgo - Shit wouldn't everything be great right now if everyone else in the entire f#@*ing universe would just shut the f@#* up and listen to you. Because really, aside from the existence of all the other humans on the planet, your life is pretty f@#*ing fantastic right now. You might almost say it's hardcore. You're hardcore. That's right baby, I'm talkin to you.

Libra - Okay so someday soon you're going to get drunk and tell something you shouldn't to someone you don't know; like maybe that you're a welder, or that you play in a Zydeco band or that you invented time travel. These are the kind of stories that come back to haunt you. Hey if you really want to play washboard then you should play washboard.

Scorpio - You're showing an alarming tendency to get lost in the crackle of your VHS fireplace: or maybe it's the bubbling of your blu-ray aquarium. It could just as easily be the lint in your carpet, but be aware that staring will not make it change. At least not so's you'd notice. Which means you could be here a long time. Snap out of it - not right this minute, but soon-ish.

Sagittarius - Happy Birthday Robert You don't look a day over 35! Sure the Tilt-a-Whirl looks like fun, but just try a solid 24 hours on the thing and tell me how much you like it. Lights flashing, bells ringing, tilts whirling. So you've been on this thing a while and the whirling and tilting is getting a bit old. I hear you, but, word of advice - don't get off the ride until it comes to a complete stop.

Capricorn - Hey grumpy bear! Oh for sure you're pissed off. How are you expected to give yourself a good talking to if other people keep interrupting with their stupid shit? Why not try having your inner debate in your outside voice? The way you talk to yourself would scare the hell out of most people. Whip 'em right into shape.

Aquarius - You're trying to make eye contact with the cutie across the room and that damned pillar keeps blocking your line of sight. I understand that this is aggravating for you but can we just consider for a moment the fact that pillars don't move? If there's something standing in your way, maybe it's you. Or just maybe the cutie is dodging you and your raincloud.

Pisces - Somethings are both more and less than what they seem to be. Which is why it's good to have choices. You can avoid that too much of one/not enough of another syndrome by dipping into life's buffet and then going back for more of what you liked. Turn your world into an all-you-can-eat salad bar just for you (that means no sneeze guard is needed).

Blogoscopes, Week of December 1 to 8, 2008

2008-11-29T13:08:00.007-05:00

Aries - You might not feel like the most social creature this December. You're like a backwards bear stumbling out from hibernation just in time to watch everyone you know slip into dream land. Perfect timing; here is your opportunity to tell everybody just exactly what you think of them with no fear of being interrupted or contradicted. They're asleep, not dead: parts of what you say will sink in. You can't control which parts, so speak clearly, but speak carefully.

Taurus - In the immortal words of Harry Nilsson, everybody's talking at you, but you don't hear a word they're saying. Obviously they're not hearing you either. That's a shame. You have something important to tell them. My best advice is to stop talking. They won't buy what you're peddling until you understand why they think they don't want it. You can easily overcome any and all objections, but only if you know what they are. And if you don't shout.

Gemini - I can't say for certain, but I imagine that the floor of the Grand Canyon is not a terrific place for cell phone reception. I've never seen Mr. Can-you-hear-me-now down there have you? Which means that you're going to have to find some other means of conversing with those gawkers on the canyon rim. A go-between might be your best bet. Slow for sure but probably the only way you'll get your point across. Unless you can yodel in code.

Cancer - There are times when the only way to make people understand just how upset and frustrated you are is to thrash about on the ground, kicking and screaming and pummelling the earth with your fists. Then there are times when you should just slip away quietly with a close friend and confidante and tell them how you're feeling. Either one will have the desired result, I guess your choice depends on whether you can stand being called a big baby for the rest of your life.

Leo - You got so excited when your team won that you enthusiastically kissed a stranger at the end of play. And now you will never hear the end of it. Everybody is going on and on about what you did and how it made them feel and while you'd really like to help them feel better about it you don't know how. Do not under any circumstances try to talk yourself out of this. The problem is theirs not yours.
Put on your headphones and wait it out. They'll stop eventually.

Virgo - Check the fine print before you sign up for another one of these things will you? A dude ranch cattle drive may sound like fun at first, but you have to travel with the group and they don't always do things right. There is one way and one way only for you to turn this excursion into something that works for you, and that's to take over the leadership. Do your research, sell them on the highlights and be kind to everybody. You don't want anyone calling this a mutiny.

Libra - Everybody wants an answer these days and in most cases they are either unprepared or unable to supply a question in order to obtain that answer. To the rescue - Psychic Libra (imagine an echoey effect). Faster than a speeding Kreskin, able to make large problems disappear with a single word, Psychic Libra knows how to fix your problems before you even know you have them. Sound daunting? Not really, all you have to do is show up and look wise - the rest will take care of itself.

Scorpio - Be careful who you talk to. You can get so wrapped up in talking about your on going drama that you may find yourself - hypothetically speaking - telling an undercover narcotics officer about the difficulty you're having with your current drug dealer whose name is Blank and who lives at Blank Blank. See how that could be a problem? There is no doubt that you've got stuff to get off your chest, but try to be a little more circumspect about who you share with.

Sagittarius - Do you have a headache? Feel as though something has been repeatedly hitting you over the head for some time now? You're absolutely right - the thing, person, situation you've been seeking so avidly has been following around behind you for so long now that she/he/it has given up on words and resorted to crude gestures. Want the pain to stop? Turn around, look he/she/it straight in the eye and tell it/her/him exactly what you want. It's that easy.

Capricorn - If a bear was lying around on a Sunday afternoon, peacefully minding his own business and enjoying his free time, would anyone in their right mind walk up to him and poke him with a stick? Would anyone interrupt a tiger while it was eating dinner? No! I know you don't want a reputation as a vicious killing machine (not allthe time), but you should at least master a look that would wordlessly tell people that you want them to leave you alone. Until then hang a sign on your door.

Aquarius - One of our tribe took my advice last week and posted a secret - to me. I wondered, briefly, if I might have logged on and written it in my sleep. Aquarius is tapped in to the universal mind like a redneck syphoning gas - it's definitely not something you can admit to everyone. In the days ahead, the voices will become more numerous and much louder. Try not to make sense of it. Read that again. The sooner you stop listening the sooner you can hear.

Pisces - I think that elevators have been greatly underestimated as a therapeutic tool. Just a normal elevator, going about its daily business - up and down with people getting on and off alternating long periods of emptiness. You're not allowed out until you resolve things. What do you think would be the final straw? Would it be the constant motion, the enclosed space, the incessant interruptions, the bells? Or would it be that voice endlessly telling you exactly where you are?

Blogoscopes Week of November 23 to 30, 2008

2008-11-23T10:01:00.006-05:00

Aries - If you're not a Lord of the Rings fan then this will probably mean nothing to you, but here goes: you are about to enter the ruins of the ancient Dwarvish kingdom of Moria. There are no other roads forward and the way back is blocked. You must brave the cavernous dark and fight off the monsters you meet along the way. The best way to survive? Keep your sword ready, remember that you have a higher purpose and stop daydreaming about the cute elf.

Taurus - Have you ever wondered whether you might be speaking in tongues? Do you occasionally find the people you are conversing with gaping at you slack jawed and confused? If you have an important point to make you should know that not everyone can keep up with your thinking. Perhaps you should consider writing things down; like a contract. It has the double bonus of forcing you to slow down just a little, and of giving others something to refer to when they lose the plot.

Gemini - I've always been fascinated by the idea of the Grand Bazaar in Istanbul; After all, I love shopping and it is the world's oldest mall. You will notice that I said I'm fascinated by the idea. I'm not so sure I could cope with the reality. And with the bargaining skills you are about to exhibit, I would say neither could you. Remember, when you are trying to negotiate a deal the idea is that you pay less and get more, not the other way around.

Cancer - Our sleeping minds can present us with answers to issues we struggle with in waking hours. This week you could dream that you move to a developing nation where your incredible abilities bring an end to hunger and violence. You dream will also show you how to save the environment, cure the common cold and find lost socks. Hang on to the good feelings this engenders because when you wake up all you'll remember is "cabbage soup".

Leo - In the near future when your neighbour asks to borrow your power tools, it would be best not to have said tools in your hand when you deny any knowledge of their where-abouts. Be honest and up front about your current need to use the power tools and tell your neighbour to come back in a few weeks. An important corollary to this is that you really do need the tools; there's work to be done so charge up that drill and get to it.

Virgo - When we're busy we often say we have enough on our plate or we have a full plate. It's an expression that seems to suggest that our responsibilities are the food that fuels our lives. Your plate is certainly full and although it may look like it's simply heaped with green stuff, it's actually a mound of peas. You may not be crazy about peas, but I predict that in typical Virgo fashion you will devour them all one pea at a time.

Libra - There's a new moon coming up later this week and in anticipation, preparation and celebration you appear to be making some sweeping changes to your life. You know better than anyone else exactly what you need at this time so by all means make your plans, gather in your supplies and ready yourself in mind, body and spirit for the coming of the new you. But be warned! Painting your front door fuchsia will cause shock, not judgement.

Scorpio - You are shiny. In fact you are even a tad sparkly. This should prove interesting. You know all the scary things that people say about Scorpios - yes you do. Well you're about to experience the shoe-on-the-other-foot syndrome. Intense interest in you - who are you, where do you come from, what's your favourite colour, can I buy you a car - will become the order of the day. Fun? Yes. Scary? Just a little. Can you handle it? Piece of cake.

Sagittarius - You've done your research, spent hours in the library, honed your prose and completed a dozen proof readings. In other words you've finished your homework. You can be excused for being just a bit smug. You've done a good job. However, be careful that you don't try to take a tenth grade essay to a post-grad doctoral exam. Sure it's a good book report, but not everybody will be sympathetic when you discover your dog really has eaten it.

Capricorn - Imagine that you are able to read people's minds at will. You can tune in and tune out whenever you feel like it. Wouldn't that be great? Okay now imagine that by mind reading you've accidentally discovered an individual who is potentially your soul mate. Will this knowledge that you have acquired help you in any way to establish and build a relationship with this person? I doubt it. See sometimes it's best not to know.

Aquarius - I just read a book based on an Internet phenomenon called "Post Secrets". This guy gave out postcards all over the place with the instructions to write a secret on it and mail it to him. The secret had to be yours, had to be true and had to be written concisely enough that it fit on a postcard. It's like a confessional with total anonymity, no judging and no legal or religious stuff to cloud the issue. You should try it.

Pisces - You're ticked off. At who or what? You don't know. Well okay you do know but you don't feel that you have the right to be ticked off at that particular person or situation. Guess again. You have every right to feel displeasure the problem stems from your inability to correctly identify the root of your feelings. You're best course of action here would be to hunker down in protective mode rather than donning armour and riding out to battle.

Blogoscopes Week of November 17 to 24, 2008

2008-11-15T11:30:00.004-05:00

Aries - Have you ever thought about going into therapy? No seriously, I don't think you're crazy. At least not any crazier than anybody else, but it never hurts to have someone you feel free to tell all your secrets to. I just don't think you're gonna believe any one you haven't paid money to. Believe me when I say that someone should be paying you to tell them what is the what.

Taurus - So you spilled your Shiraz at a friend's birthday party. You feel embarrassed and believe that you should be paying to clean or replace the rug. Let me just say that no one - and I mean no one - in their right mind combines white carpet with a house party. If anyone is at fault here it's your host. Besides, it's shag and must be 30 years old. You did them a favour.

Gemini - The absolute worst thing ever to happen to anyone in the history of the world is when you have a shower schedule all worked out and someone jumps the queue. The second worst is when they don't get in the shower when they're supposed to and you wonder whether taking your turn at your usual time makes you a bad person when you know that - oh to hell with it, just go dirty.

Cancer - Tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are. More specifically, look at who your friends are and discover something about yourself. You may find this confusing right now since you seem to be buddy buddy with some unusual people...or are you just pretending? So tell me who your fake friends are and I'll tell you where you're fake.

Leo - I frequently tell people that it is not selfish to look after their own needs. Right now, everyone needs you and you can't afford to be worn out when so much seems to be riding on your shoulders. Okay so when you're holding court this week, grant everyone their wishes, but don't be afraid to fuck with their heads a little when you do. What?

Virgo - Mother Theresa you are not, but that won't stop you this week from selling your line of blessings and absolution on e-bay. You've got some excess smarts running around in your head and it would be better for everybody if they could be used for good instead of evil. The on-line auction covers both ends of the spectrum; just steer clear of selling relics.

Libra - Where in the world did you put that thing? No ideas, but I predict that you are about to find a whole bunch of other stuff while you're looking for the thing. I often find shoes when I'm looking for sunglasses, and sunglasses when I seek rice. There's no scientific proof of a connection beyond my housekeeping habits but try it and if it works for you too I'll patent it.

Scorpio - If you have an evil plan for world domination now would be the time to bring it out. You've got the energy and the drive to single-handedly conquer the universe, PLUS, you've got a bunch of stooges lined up waiting to do your dirty work. Just remember that as a rule, stooges aren't too bright. Be specific and detailed in your instructions.

Sagittarius - You are an unusual human being in many ways, not least of which is the fact that you are one of the few on this earth who are not for sale at any price. When you believe in something, there is nothing that can buy you off or make you sell your principles. Or maybe there is and there just haven't been enough zeros yet. Ooh is this your inner whore?

Capricorn - Your life resembles the 1970's cold war at the moment. There's a lot of animosity but no one wants to admit it. On the surface it's all detente and glasnost, but underneath it's espionage and double agents. There's only one way to handle this. Don a turtleneck and a beret and challenge your opponent to martinis at dawn. Shaken not stirred, of course.

Aquarius - There's a definite trick to calling in sick for work. First of all you have to decide to do it. Then you have to pick a time to call in and a believable disease. Once you've perfected your sick voice, left a message and gone back to bed, the challenge is to remind yourself that you're not actually sick. Hell how else are you going to enjoy that free time?

Pisces - Scientists this week discover a beast previously thought to have become extinct several millenia ago, the mysterious raptor, Pickafight. It is generally believed that this creature refused to acknowledge it's own motivations or to be responsible for any of its aggressive behaviours and it died out when all the other beast staged an intervention.

Blogscopes Week of November 10 to 17, 2008

2008-11-08T18:13:00.005-05:00

Aries - This week you should try to have a peanut butter sandwich always on hand. You don't have to eat it but it should have a bite out of it and then when friends come to you seeking answers for unexpectedly disturbing questions you can claim to have your mouth full and stall for time.

Taurus - You'll soon be forced to re-examine everything you believe when you discover a pair of socks you didn't know you owned. Seriously though, you can take this "a place for everything and everything in it's place" stuff a little too far. Relax and let the socks fall where they may.

Gemini - You might want to get some help with applying your sunscreen. You can't reach everywhere and sand sticks to your hands and it's just so annoying. In fact it can really push your buttons. Don't be the freak on the beach. Let someone else get their hand dirty.

Cancer - They say there's no 'I' in team and athletes always seem anxious not to be seen trying to take all the credit for a win. Even golfers are always thanking someone else and saying they couldn't do it alone. It's great to play well with others, but there is an 'I' in champion.

Leo - There's a lot of fuss about world markets these days and everybody is wondering about the financial future. Well the only advice I can give you about this is don't invest in Popsicles. Sure, they're pretty colours and they taste good, but they don't last.

Virgo - I used to catch my grandmother talking to herself and she would justify it by saying that she was addressing the smartest person in the room. It was funny when I was nine, it would be offensive now. Watch what you say to yourself this week, someone else may take umbrage.

Libra - I have a vague memory of speaking to you about charades at some point but I can't remember when it was so you probably can't either. My point is that you need to be very careful about how you communicate these days and hand gestures are not likely going to be your best bet.

Scorpio - When I was in university I had a chance to take an elective course in a subject that fascinated me. The professor had an odd physical feature that was as fascinating as it was grotesque and I was so distracted that I got nothing from the class. Don't let this happen to you.

Sagittarius - Life is good right now and when you find yourself feeling so happy that you spontaneously burst into song, not only will there be back up singers handy, but a passing orchestra will stop to accompany you and a nearby film crew will capture the whole thing for posterity.

Capricorn - If you're feeling the least bit unsure about something, it's not a bad idea to get it in writing. Especially if you're not certain that everyone is on board with your decisions. Make sure your waitress has a pen and a pad of paper if you want to have the lunch you ordered.

Aquarius - Impromptu parties are the best kind. You save yourself weeks of worrying about guest lists, menus, decorations and the like. So much better to just suddenly find yourself with a house full of fun. The only drawback of course is that you haven't prearranged a time for the party to end.

Pisces - Do you know why bears hibernate? It's not because of the cold - they're covered in fur. Okay think now, why do we use the term 'grumpy old bear' instead of 'grumpy old hamster'? Bears hibernate because this is their grumpy time of year and you would do well to emulate them.

Blogoscopes Week of November 3 to 10, 2008

2008-11-02T09:59:00.004-05:00

Aries - This week you discover why it is that money can't buy happiness. It's because if you win the lottery all the people who have hurt and upset you in the past will come out of the woodwork with their hands out. It might be briefly gratifying to deny them a dime, but in the long run no matter how rich you are they are still assholes and will talk trash about you anyway. Save your dough and shower them with kindness instead. That'll teach them.

Taurus - Have you ever had one of those dreams where you are with a large group of people - friends and strangers - and you find it impossible to communicate with any of them? It's almost worse than the not being able to run dream, because it's as if you're invisible. You can stand face to face with your nearest and dearest and they don't even see you let alone hear you. Welcome to your week. Resist the urge to set fire to any one's pants, but fantasize about it if it helps.

Gemini - Three things to keep in mind when borrowing big sister's clothes: you wear different sizes, she hasn't even worn it yet, and, most importantly, you might look better in it than she does. If you don't have a big sister - ESPECIALLY if you don't have a big sister - pay attention to some one who seems to feel you've been messing with their wardrobe. You don't mean to outshine and you don't need to be self-effacing, just realize you will get the bill for the dry cleaning.

Cancer - If a Cancerian had been in charge of naming the months of the year, today would be the 3rd of Big Wussy. What are you a girl? Oh well yes, some of you are so okay. You are one of nature's special children; a delicate flower, too refined and too sensitive for this hard, harsh world. It is essential that you be protected, and a little pampering never hurt either. Be kind to You and allow yourself a treat! You deserve it! Feel better now? Wuss.

Leo - Hey nice car, what did you pay for that car? I'm just asking, no need to bite my head off. So you won it in a poker game, that's great, lucky you. I mean smart, smart you not lucky, poker is a game of skill not luck and you got skills. Yes it is annoying of me to go on like this isn't it so let me just ask you one last thing; did you win any cash at the table? Will the money stretch to groceries this week? And what about gas for that fine automobile? First things first my dear.

Virgo - We definitely need to figure out some alternative form of therapy for you because walking down the street by yourself while conversing with all the voices in your head is not going to work for much longer. People are staring and muttering, some are even trying to make eye contact. They all think you're nuts. The least you can do is buy one of those blue-tooth earphone thingies and try to look as though you're talking to real people.

Libra - Sometimes your life is exactly like a marathon of Murder She Wrote reruns. Your wardrobe is understated and appropriate. You have interesting and wealthy friends who adore you. You travel the world doing things you love and helping those in peril along the way. You know that everything will work out in the end. Most importantly, you never believe the detective in charge of the case, no matter how convincing he is. You know better.

Scorpio - Take extra care this week not to fall asleep under the sun lamp. If there's one thing worse than the pain of sunburn, it's the embarrassment of having a sunburn in November and knowing that in a few weeks time, your partner will be regaling everyone at the company Christmas party with the private and most humiliating aspects of your discomfort. The worst is yet to come when you find your self re-telling those stories with a whine in your voice.

Sagittarius - In the battle for your soul, Satan is currently ahead by a nose. You shouldn't feel guilty about this, he's had a couple of undercover agents of darkness inserted into your life. They're hot, and therefore impossible to resist. Also, the only force facing off against this axis of evil is Glinda the Good and it will take more than a tiara and a fairy wand to score a victory here. Don't worry, the dark side isn't all bad and it's not like you'll be alone.

Capricorn - You should really consider having a hot tub installed in your living room. Yes it would be incredibly expensive, not to mention tacky and just plain weird. Still, I'm sure your parents used to have one just like it which they removed shortly before you were born. It would be a wonderful way to experience that return to the womb feeling and still be on hand to entertain when people drop by. The fact that it's also a great conversation piece is just a bonus.

Aquarius - Eeyore is my least favourite of the inhabitants of the 100 acre wood. I could never understand how he remained so gloomy when he obviously lived in a magical place with wonderful friends. Nor could I see why Pooh and Piglet and Tigger and Roo would put up with him. I do believe that this gave him a strange kind of strength stemming from the belief that no matter what anyone did it was all shit. It's a Nietzschean view point you might care to adopt - short term.

Pisces - If you 've recently been masquerading as a brain surgeon you may discover that someone you met and tried to impress is about to call your bluff. No one will be asking you to perform a lobotomy, but there may be a test to see if you know the brain surgeons' secret handshake. It might be best for you to come clean and admit the misunderstanding, but if I know you, you'll either front like mad or make up some reason to leave town for a while. Perhaps Médecins sans Frontières?

Blogoscopes Week of October 27 to Novemer 3, 2008

2008-10-25T11:22:00.006-05:00

Aries - No idea what you might be for Halloween this year but whatever you decide should include a full face mask and just the tiniest chance that someone else at the party will have the same costume. That way when you and your partner try to find each other during the course of the evening, it will be have to be something other than your face that gives you away. Exercise caution and unmask before the two of you do anything silly.

Taurus - A few years back I was invited to a Halloween party where friends hoped to set me up with the host. Things looked promising when he appeared dressed as Hunter S. Thompson. Things went south when I discovered that he'd only seen the movie. No one else at the party got it. They all called him beach dude. See he was too smart and then just not smart enough. You want to watch that.

Gemini - I'm recommending that this year for Halloween you dress as an oracle. Beyond Greeks and togas, I'm not sure what that looks like but you'll think of something. The point is that you currently have the power to talk the paint off a Porsche and you can use that to earn yourself a little do re mi. The catch is that you can only do it in costume. It's not about convincing your listeners, it's about convincing yourself.

Cancer - I remember the only time I ever played Pictionary, and every single clue I had to illustrate was an intangible. Like integrity, forgiveness, honesty - how do you draw these things in under 60 seconds? So you'll understand when I tell you that for your Halloween costume I am absolutely at a loss. What does the milk of human kindness and universal love look like? Is it sequined or striped? Does it require a wig? Maybe just a big smile and nothing else!

Leo - This year you're going trick or treating en masse and they put you in charge of the costumes. Although it may seem like a waste of your time, it's actually a good thing for several reasons, one of which is that you will definitely get the job done and two is that you won't end up wearing anything that will make you look silly. Seriously, what would you do if someone suggested you all go dressed as the Rockettes? Do try to keep in mind that the Supreme Court is also not everyone's idea of a fun disguise.

Virgo - Yes Halloween is not only crassly commercialized, it's significance in a spiritual and social sense has been trivialized beyond belief. Yet for some reason this year you have developed a sudden interest in bobbing for apples. I applaud your decision to let loose and have some fun but I am a little worried that you're going to fall victim to your own prfectionism and miss the event while planning the ultimate costume. Throw a sheet over your head and just go out.

Libra - It's diffcult for me to judge whether you're decorating for a haunted house or just letting your house work slide. If it's the former you might want to tone down the sunny smile - it doesnt' scare anyone. If it's the latter, since you've gone this far you might as well throw a party and really have something to clean up after. Invite your guests to dress as their favourite cleaning tool and kill two birds with one stone.

Scorpio - If anyone is going to run into ghosts and goblins and wee evil beasties on Halloween it wil be you. You've got way too much energy to burn right now and the safest way I can think of for you to expend it is in a little one-on-one with some ectoplasm. You appear to be itching for a fight simply because you don't know what else to do and at least I know a ghost can't hurt you. Maybe you can release some pressure just running away. Boo!

Sagittarius - Do you remember the movie Alien? Have you been thinking about how the creature burst out of John Hurt's chest and wondering if that's not just indigestion you've been feeling? All right I'm sure that no slimy extraterrestrial brute is going to leap out of your body and ruin Haloween for everyone but it's a pretty simple costume idea and an easy way to release your inner beast in a metaphorical way that will allow you complete deniability later - after your angst eats the world.

Capricorn - One of the fundamentals of Halloween costume development is that you should always be comfortable enough to eat, drink, dance, and pee. This year for you alone I'm adding this caveat - your costume shoud be just uncomfortable enough that you yourself don't end up believing in it. A red cape doesn't mean you can fly. Crazy white hair won't make your explanation of relativity the correct one. Stay sober enough to remember that this is all just make believe.

Aquarius - Okay so usually you get a jump start on the bah humbug business and start playing Scrooge by hiding out on Halloween. This year I sense you've mellowed a bit. Maybe you've gotten in touch with the ghost of Trick or Treats past and realized that you've been missing out on some serious fun. Revisiting your childhood is not a bad costume idea. Dress up as you when you were 8 years old. Heck, egg a car or two and soap some windows. Just don't tell anybody I suggested it.

Pisces - Will I get in trouble if I suggest your Halloween costume should be conjoined twins? The world is always a scary place for you but when the veil between the worlds comes down and the undead rise to stalk the streets, no amount of reflective clothing is going to help. This is an entire night built on the concept of taking candy from strangers, which the rest of the year we're told is bad. So partner up! Travel with a buddy. Preferrably one who's braver than you.

Blogoscopes Week of October 20 to 27, 2008

2008-10-18T14:01:00.008-05:00

Aries - I may have mentioned this to you before, but it bears repeating I'm sure. Peeing on someone's foot is not an appropriate means of communicating your affections. If you like someone, bake them a cake or write them a song don't try to hump their leg. This is especially important to you right now because lately you seem to like so many people that the potential for an ugly mob scene is growing exponentially.

Taurus - Granted, it's a little embarrassing but it could happen to anyone. You've generously and publicly pledged your super-hero powers to fighting against injustice. Now you discover that your nemesis, twisted arch-villain L.L. Pants-on-fire, has been living in your garden shed. In the bigger picture it does you credit. It's hard to fight evil when you don't know what it looks like. Semper Vigilant!

Gemini - This week you will have a beautiful dream that all of your friends are gathered in your living room; not the living room you currently inhabit, but the living room of your dreams, beautifully decorated. Your two biggest challenges will be 1) not having this dream while your friends are actually in the living room; and 2) trying to figure out where to get that exquisite vase. Um helloo? Dream.

Cancer - There comes a time in everyone's life when they wonder if they've done what they should have done, been what they should have been, said what they should have said. It can hit a person at any age and at this time of year it's almost an epidemic. Introspection is great up to a point beyond which it becomes a waste of time. It does, however, save you from becoming a total know-it-all wanker.

Leo - Madonna is quite possibly the world's most famous Leo. She is apparently divorcing her husband Guy Ritchie and friends speculate that things began to unravel when he was not attentive enough to her needs. I'm not saying all Leo's are drama queens, but you do have a gift for hyperbole and in defense of 'emotional retards' everywhere can I just point out that if you want your belly rubbed you should at least roll over?

Virgo - Prashant if you're reading, this is for you. For anyone who isn't Prashant, the message is that you are not alone. Many people are not Prashant. But that's okay, you can get in touch with your inner Prashant by making an effort to truly engage with your surroundings. You don't need to buy art supplies because you don't actually need to draw it or paint it; just stare at your world for as long as it takes you to fall in love with it.

Libra - I hope that you don't know any of my Aries friends because if one of them currently has a crush on you, you'd be just the person to drum up an angry mob. You are justifiably ticked off and not even a little bit shy about telling people exactly that. Which is great if the people you're ticked with are the only ones listening. Sadly, innocent by-standers will be swayed by your appeal and wade in to assist and defend you. Just so you know this could get ugly.

Scorpio - This week, whether you have dental surgery, try a new antihistamine or erroneously swallow your girlfriend's birth control pills, if the instructions say don't operate heavy equipment, you should understand that to include your mouth. You are far too prone to telling far too many people how much you love them. You being you, this could lead to anything up to and including jail. This will be the hangover the just keeps giving and there's no where you can go to sleep it off.

Sagittarius - You're in the mood to do a lot of things right now and your new motto is 'damn the consequences'. Okay it's not a brand new motto, but we haven't seen it in a while. Can I recommend that you apply this devil-may-care attitude to a safe activity like maybe scrap booking. You can always get more paper and glue, loved ones are a little harder to replace. Careful how you cut.

Capricorn - Who doesn't love a good mystery? Like whatever happened to Jimmy Hoffa? And who killed Laura Palmer? What about the ever popular crop circles - who made those? Did Atlantis ever really exist, did aliens build the pyramids, what does Stonehenge really mean, and what goes on in the Bermuda Triangle? This week your razor sharp mind and relentless inquisitiveness will find an answer that ties them all together rather convincingly.

Aquarius - I'm afraid there may be only one way to keep your relationships from becoming too intense right now, and that's to start speaking a language no one else understands. Your choice of language will depend on where you live and how broad your circle of friends, family and acquaintance might be. If you feel unable to master Urdu in one week then make something up.

Pisces - If you're happy and you know it clap your hands. If you're not happy and you know it, please stay at home, in bed, doors locked and phone unplugged. No one wants to be around when you're in this mood and frankly it's difficult for you to get a good pout on when your loved ones are swarming around trying to cheer you up. Just relax and enjoy a really intense sulk with a dash of self-pity for a few days and things will brighten up on their own.

Blogoscopes Week of October 13, 2008

2008-10-09T19:54:00.007-05:00

Aries - How much time do you figure the average human being spends dealing with ear wax in their life? I'm thinking just their own personal ear wax, I'm not including parents and children or (gross) pets. But honestly, when did a little introspection ever hurt anyone?

Taurus - The amount of work that went in to this is just amazing to me. Check the bottom of the page for stats and then clock the fact that this hasn't been touched in over 6 years. I sincerely hope that everyone involved has been partying their collective asses off since March 16, 2002. Follow their example.

Gemini - You konw the great thing about the internet is that for the first time in the history of work, you can get paid for stuff you do from anywhere in the world. The fascintaing thing is how many of us decide to do it from home! Where do you think your home is?

Cancer - You know I can remember writing one of these columns and trying to find a way to attach indvidual songs to each sign. Why it didn't occur to me to give you an entire site I will never know. Now your radio station can have the same DIY ethic as your life.

Leo - Scientists say that any action at a quantum level is changed simply by being observed. I'm not sure what that means at a macro level but for safety sake I'd advise you to do your best to ignore all the gawkers.

Virgo - It's hard to find things that get lost in the dark. It's even harder to find things when you don't know what you've lost. It can't hurt to light a candle. And you can always find your mouth.

Libra - Sometimes it's not enough to just tell people to go away. Sometimes you have to tell them exactly where to go. Be definite, be forceful. Point, but for pete's sake don't offer to drive them there.

Scorpio - Ever heard the expression 'hot knife through butter'? It's used to describe something that is done with incredible ease. Like your life right now. Others will be staring and wondering how you do it. You don't know so don't even bother explaining.

Sagittarius - I stumbled upon this and I gotta confess that my initial reactin was to wonder if the people leaving comments are all fat girls. But that's mean isn't it? You and I both know that mean is often true.

Capricorn - You may not be psychic but for some reason everyone seems to be asking you to predict the future for them. This trend will continue for a while. If you can't bring yourself to admit you don't know, buy a crystal ball and pretend. Be mysterious and obscure so no one can call you on it.

Aquarius - Read this. Do I need to say anything more? If you're really feeling this, maybe you should buy yourself the t-shirt. If you don't agree, maybe you should buy yourself a margarita - to start with.

Pisces - Paying attention to every detail of every minute of every day is exhausting. On some planets it's also called extreme paranoia. On your planet it's called this week. Try doing brain sit-ups.

Blogoscopes Week of October 6 to October 13, 2008

2008-10-04T12:34:00.010-05:00

Aries - How the heck you've managed to survive this long is any body's guess. You live like a ball bearing, bouncing around in the pinball machine of other people's expectations. Time to figure out what it is that you like or perhaps even dislike about the way things are now. Here's a little something that I think might help you pinpoint the source of your dissatisfaction.

Taurus - First let me just say that Roller Derby is not a hobby! It's a rigorous sport and as such requires a full-time commitment on all levels of mind, body and spirit. This means that you can't just dream about the Roller Derby, and you can't read a book on Roller Derby; you have to dedicate yourself to the gruelling regimen that will be required of you in order to reach your goal.

Gemini - There comes a time in every life, when your happy place needs to be an actual physical thing that you can touch. This is not about fetishes, but about geography - square footage. It honestly doesn't need to be either lavish or large, but it should be all yours for at least a part of each day.

Cancer - This is not the time to be worrying about whether or not everyone else is doing their bit the way they should. It's not so much that you've got to mind your own patch as it is that no one is taking you seriously and if you persist they'll think you're a fanatic and not listen to a single thing you say - ever.

Leo - It might seem like you're driving an actual school bus full of actual children, but in reality those back seat drivers asking if you're there yet, are adults. And just in case you were wondering, yes they are questioning your ability to get from point A to point B. Pull over only if you want to throw them out.

Virgo - I was going to say that I hope last week's column didn't net you as much grief for being a Virgo as it did me for writing it, but I can see that you haven't even read it. You just figured that anyone who seemed a little crankier than normal was confusing you with someone who cared? Carry on then.

Libra - You don't seem to be able to make up your mind whether you want to stay in or go out. If you will allow me to suggest a compromise, why don't you go out to some place you've never been before and stay there? See, two birds with one stone. Some people call it a vacation but I don't want to scare you.

Scorpio - I'm currently reading a book by a guy called Mil Millington, entitled "Things my girlfriend and I have argued about". The Guardian said that it is funny and at the same time affectionate. I think it might be the source of some perspective for you this week. Better than gritting your teeth. I've got the library's copy but here's a free sample.

Sagittarius - Sadly it has been left to me to be the one to tell you that all those times people have asked you how you are, they really didn't want to know. Okay maybe not everybody you know is unbelievably shallow, but some of them are just constantly spouting off shit without thought or feeling. I just thought it was time you knew.

Capricorn - Don't look down! Oh not to worry, you're standing on solid ground; you just feel like you're 40 stories up. Of course the fact that all the people you see appear to be trying to talk you down is a bit odd. Those are crazy people and you should just humour them for a bit. Remember, craaaazzzy people! Whatever you do don't make any sudden moves.

Aquarius - Someone may shortly be asking you for something you don't want to give them. You're not being stingy; this is a matter of principle. You don't want to do anything that would benefit this particular individual. What if I told you that the smelly man with his hand out is trying to give you something? Would that change your mind?

Pisces - Have you got your listening ears on? I know, you say hear everything, but maybe you're just overhearing? Maybe it's time you started to actively listen. If you already have been then think about an upgrade to something a little more modern - like digital!

Blogoscopes Week of September 29 to October 7, 2008

2008-09-27T21:00:00.004-05:00

Aries - Have you ever played the shell game? It's like Button Button or Hide 'n Seek but for money. How do you win? You pay close attention, very close attention. Holy shit did you see that? No? See what I mean - close attention.

Taurus - Okay is that or is that not a winning lottery ticket in your pocket? I understand that you don't want to run screaming down the street but being afraid that the numbers have changed since you last looked? That's weird.

Gemini - If your friends haven't noticed your new shoes find new friends. Seriously those are kick-ass shoes and the astrological portents say there's a one in five chance that one of your new friends owns a shoe store.

Cancer - You're pretty fast on your feet right now but I gotta warn you that if someone calls you on your shit you're gonna have to own it. It's not a big deal, just look 'em in the eye, shrug and say "yea, so what?"

Leo - Okay, I'm not saying that you will, but if you do happen to bake a cake this week, remember to remove your necktie before you start mixing the batter. Ties are a dime a dozen, but that food processor is state of the art.

Virgo - Damn you're sexy. Don't be coy, it's okay, you are absolutely the bomb just the way you are. In fact, I predict that because of you, from this day forward, they'll change all the rules about what's sexy and what's not.

Libra - You should throw one of those new age pot luck dinner parties where you determine a menu and then ask each of your guests to bring a specific part. With careful planning you could live off of the leftovers for the whole week.

Scorpio - You should make a point of carrying an electronic device with you at all times until I tell you to stop. Blackberry,PSP,Gameboy even an MP3 just be sure to look as though there could be a reason for your laughter.

Sagittarius - Sometimes the only proper response to a question is "I don't know". There may also be occasions on which it is acceptable to close your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears and repeatedly scream "I don't know".

Capricorn - If you were in AA I would say that this might be a good week to call your sponsor, but otherwise, I think that if you can just get someone to phone you a few times, make sure you're awake, that should be fine.

Aquarius - For most people getting drunk alone is not a good sign, for you it's probably a survival mechanism. If you want to communicate either go on-line anonymously or have a heart to heart with a mirror.

Pisces - You may have a nightmare soon in which you relive the harrowing details of the loss of your childhood teddy bear. Let me just say that we all feel your pain and would you for Pete's sake just get over it already?

Blogoscopes Week of September 22 to September 29, 2008

2008-09-21T09:42:00.003-05:00

Aries - Art Therapy. You need some, now go and get some. Tell only those who need to know i.e. your spouse, legal gaurdian, priest or warden, and then completely immerse yourself in creating something. Extra points if you get dirty doing it.

Taurus - Have you done a customer satisfaction survey lately? There's no doubt that they are satisfied, but it might be good for you to hear why they're satisfied. What you learn will make your life so much easier you can't believe it.

Gemini - Over the coming days, let your guiding light be Lizzie Borden. She was probably just having a bad week and look how that turned out. Find something to dig up or something to cut down. If not go out in a field and chop dirt.

Cancer - Some people in this world will bet on anything; Horses, cards, dice, sports, scratch and win; anything. They are sure that someday they'll hit it big. They have a system. They have a problem. You are smart and lucky - this week.

Leo - You need a drinking buddy. Doesn't really matter whether or not you drink, you need to find someone who will go along with whatever you want, nod wisely when you're not making sense and forget everything that happened by the next morning.

Virgo - I'm not promising that there won't be any runs in you stockings this week, but if (likely when) there are, try to take comfort in the fact that they're in the toe where no one but you will ever know. Resist the urge to tell everybody.

Libra - Should you want to try something completely out of the ordinary, you are best advised to do whatever it is you're about to do, in a group setting. That way you'll get several differing opinions on why you are crazy to try this.

Scorpio - There will be moments in the days ahead when your happy place will appear to fully manifest all on its own. It's okay to go ahead and believe it as long as you're not going to be operating heavy equipment at the same time.

Sagittarius - It might just be a good thing that porcupines can't speak. Which would be worse; getting shot full of quills by surprise or having the world's third largest rodent warn you just before he turns you into pinhead?

Capricorn - Someone has moved your cheese. You astutely follow a trail of crumbs and discover the someone who has now eaten your cheese. Before you start swinging the broom around check to see if it was that mouldy bit that got stolen.

Aquarius - You have a sacred duty not to get kidnapped by a clandestine organization that will try mind control to twist you to the dark side. Anybody can claim to be your father, if they want your soul make them pay your full asking price.

Pisces - Running away with the circus is always talked about as though it were a bad thing but really what can be wrong? You get to dress up everyday, travel the world, meet new people and if you fall there's always someone there to catch you.

Blogoscopes Week of August 18 to August 25, 2008

2008-08-15T18:18:00.009-05:00

Aries - I'm beginning to believe that at the heart of the internet is one never-ending porn site and it currently rules most of the Western world. True, its message gets progressively soft core, a little more family friendly on the fringes of its power. Your mission this week is to make the internet grow. If that means joining Facebook, so be it, the main thing is that you do all you can to save your fellow human beings from the evil porn. You're a super hero with a laptop.

Taurus - I Googled 'famous psychos' and ended up on a site about the Scream trilogy. If I were a true pop culture guru, I could tell you which characters survived all three blood baths. Those actors must have had a dilemma. Suppose you're a character who gets whacked in the original and the movie goes huge. Can you return from the dead? What if you sign on for the whole show and the opener tanks? You can ask for an option to renew, but failure to commit could lose you the gig.

Gemini - Since 1872(?)there has been a Speakers' Corner in Hyde Park, London, where impassioned orators did/do stand to harangue the passing crowd with their political views. The Hyde Park site is not the only spot where this happens, but is the best known. Oh sure, there's a modern variation of it in downtown Toronto at the corner of Queen and John, but that hardly counts. If you were face to face with your audience would you say the silly things they say on TV?

Cancer - I recently had an encounter with Spiderman. As a nice police man hastened to assure me, not the real Spiderman, an impostor dressed like Spiderman. I have often thought that the costume was a mistake for Peter Parker. If he had just crawled around fighting crime in his corduroy trousers, flannel shirts and sweater vests, he would have been much safer. Everybody notices the guy in blue tights, not the one in khaki Dockers. Plus, there's a lot to be learned from hanging back stage.

Leo - You have an extensive photo collection. There's you and your family and your first love and classmates and your second love; you winning something. They're not printed: not digital, just very firmly planted in your brain. Random images pop up like a psychic game of whack-a-mole. Except you're the mole. Stop the slide show. Don't let this evil Powerpoint Presentation ruin your life. Pick ten that tell the story of the life you wanted and burn the rest.

Virgo - Jehovah's Witness keep coming to your door. I can't decide what's worse; the fact that you can't make them go away or the fact that your life can be reduced to such a bigoted cliche. Lord love us darling have you forgotten that you are the master of your own destiny, the captain of your fate? Or something like that; if things keep happening maybe It's because you want them to. The next time the doorbell rings invite them in for a drink. They might need you to save them. Awake!

Libra - If you ask someone a single sincerely thoughtful question about themselves, you can have them talking for hours during which time you need not respond or even listen in order to appear to be keeping up your end of the "conversation". This week you'll catch the tail end of something that seems to suggest that you maybe should have tuned in a little earlier. This is one of those tricky things where very soon you'll be asked for an answer and you won't have one. Stay tuned.

Scorpio - In anyone else I would call what you appear to be doing deep introspection. Usually when you get this concentrated for this long, your goal is far from spiritual - in fact it's often extremely carnal. What looks like a meditative trance is you practising your mind control techniques and strengthening your immense magentic powers. Stop trying to hide your dreams of world domination. Some of us support those dreams and would like to help. Get a campaign manager.

Sagittarius - Have you ever visited a circus fun house and seen your self in a crazy hall of mirrors? Certainly they all exaggerate you but each is different. I want you to really reflect (teehee) on what you see in these disparate views. Do you hate what you see? Nice going, you just told you that you hate you. Practice this daily for a significantly miserable life. Why not find some part of you that has been improved by the change? Love just that one part. Work your way up from there.

Capricorn - I work with compliance officers. They're the coolest people on the planet with the best job ever. If I decided that I was prepared to grow up I'd want to be a compliance officer. If your current circle of acquaintance doesn't include one of this shining group, I recommend befriending one quickly. There's some fine print coming up in your world and there's nobody for picking apart that shit like a compliance officer. That leaves you free to go for drinkies.

Aquarius - I don't know if musical instruments have zodiac signs, but I always imagine that saxophones are Aquarians. Excluding the soprano sax. It's an Aries. Lisa Simpson has repeatedly shown us all just how eloquent and expressive of the human soul a saxophone can be. For a bonus, they are just so incredibly cool. And sexy. The sax player has a lot of inner dark. That's not such a bad thing. This week, embrace your inner Coltrane - leave Parker and Kenny who out of it.

Pisces - If you were ever going to take a week off and spend it with your loved ones in Bora Bora, this is that week. Money seems to be stalking you. You can't seem to stop attracting it and in some strange atavistic, mythic and masochistic way you feel the need to get rid of it as soon as it shows up. It's as if you're ashamed to be seen with money. Hey, go ahead and spend it at the speed of light that's not going to be a problem. Just spend it on something that has real value.

Grace-o-scopes, aka Blogoscopes week of July 28th to August 4th 2008

2008-07-25T21:07:00.006-05:00

Aries - Not everything smells good, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't smell it. Although there are some butts that Grace won't smell, she's always happy to be the smellee. It wouldn't hurt you to start allowing senses other than vision to help determine where you're heading. This week, when taking in the sights, why don't you try taking in the smells, sounds and textures as well.

Taurus - Grace and I discovered a new shared activity outside of walking, eating and tennis balls - Show Tunes! Yup, I sing 'em, she listens. I insert Grace's name a lot. She's fascinated and a little confused by this which is good because now she's hanging on my every word. Next I'm going to try this on humans. Feel free to borrow the idea whenever you feel that someone needs to pay attention.

Gemini - They say that in the dark all cats are gray, but Grace begs to differ. Day or night, there are just some cats that are not worth chasing. Perhaps, along with avocados (see Cancer below) some cats are good for chasing on Thursdays. The criteria that make one cat chase able and another invisible, are known only to Grace, but I'm certain that discretion and moderation are two of them.

Cancer - Grace's Communication Tips - Dogs are proud animals and don't like to beg:really, they don't. However, some humans can't interpret the niceties in a soulful brown eyed stare and realize that Grace didn't mean she won't eat avocados, Grace meant she won't eat avocados on Thursday. In a case like this Grace highly recommends you forget about whining and go straight to barking. People stop listening when they hear whining.

Leo - There comes a time in every dog's life when a dog has to decide whether or not s/he wants, henceforth, to be known as "The Dog Who Ate The Christmas Turkey/Easter Ham/Wednesday's Meatloaf." Do you want to be that dog? If so, you better be certain that's a good Turkey/Ham/Meatloaf, because you can be damn sure that not only do you now have a reputation, you'll never be allowed near a Turkey/Ham/Meatloaf - ever, ever again. Is it worth it?

Virgo - Grace does not like puppies. Grace's friend Buddy does not like puppies. Everyone fusses just because they're new: they chase stupid balls and sticks: and what's worse is they bring them back! You don't really like puppies either - human puppies. Pretend you don't despise them. As Grace can tell you, growling at a puppy just makes everyone think you're bitter and mean.

Libra - Another chocolate lab I know lives next door to me and his name is Grommet. Grommet frequently finds him self sitting on the sidewalk leading to his house. One of his humans is at the door saying come and the other is at the car saying go. Grommet wants Grace's advice. Grace says humans are stupid - don't do anything and just wait to see which one gives up first. Follow who ever is left.

Scorpio - Grace feels sorry for me when I scoop her poo. She pities me because she knows that we are walking through a minefield of un-scooped poo. In fact, in future millenia, a good portion of the earth's crust- in Norht America anyway - will be composed of petrified dog shit. Archaeologists will identify breeds from fossils. A time traveller visits the 90's & accidentally creates the first (insert breed here)-poo. What's one more turd?

Sagittarius - Robert this is for you and yes it is so a happy one - Grace is very fast. Nothing is more important than that she beat you up, or down, the stairs - nothing! It is imperative that she finish any meal she has in under a minute. When she runs through the park she runs fast! She's also asleep for a large part of the day. You can't afford to sleep your days away so stop going so fast. It wears you down.

Capricorn - Sometimes a big sigh is just Grace letting all the air out of her lungs: she's not expressing any kind of sadness or in any way commenting on you. Just breathing, that's all she's doing. Remember what breathing feels like? Try Grace's deep breathing exercise: first take the deepest breath you can: next lie down somewhere soft and warm: proceed to exhale deeply and don't be afraid to be noisy about it. Repeat as needed.

Aquarius - Grace never feels shame. Do you know why? Because she's a dog. Dog's aren't ashamed of themselves; they're ashamed of humans for thinking that a dog will ever be anything but a dog. Follow Grace's lead here. You have behaved in a manner perfectly consistent with who you are. Any one who expected anything different from you is crazy. You are not a bad dog.

Pisces - Grace is a loving and very affectionate dog. She likes to be near the people she loves, especially if no body's really doing anything. Lazing around, that's Grace. It's when you can't see her, and you can't hear her that you have to worry. That's when she's up to something. Grace thinks you should know that not every one appreciates you chewing their shoes.

new beginnings

2008-02-13T07:23:00.001-05:00

Watch this space for updated horoscopes beginning in March

Season's Greetings

2007-12-22T09:18:00.000-05:00

Well, it's December 22nd and I'm preparing to fly off to another country in one week's time. Until my computer issues are resolved, I won't be able to maintain my scopes so I hope you can all manage on your own for a few weeks. Meanwhile, stay tuned for updates on my exciting travels.

All the best in 2008

Love
Gypsy Judy

Blogoscopes Week of December 10th to December 17th, 2007

2007-12-08T19:48:00.000-05:00

Aries - Merry-go-rounds are not a lot of fun if you happen to be over the age of six. There is no joy in simply going around in circles. Sure, you never fall behind, but neither do you ever get ahead. In front of you is some horse's ass and the scenery never changes. Life is a merry-go-round and getting off the ride is not an option so how do you shake things up? Easy - turn around and wave at the person riding behind you. Swivel and peer through the centre of the ride to the other side. Sit side saddle and make faces at the parents watching from the sidelines. In fact, do anything except just sit there going around in circles.

Taurus - This week you will attend a party and meet a fascinating stranger from some exotic country you have never heard of. Because this exciting creature finds you so fascinating, you are going to be offered the chance of a lifetime, the opportunity to make three times your annual income in just one day. If this were an e-mail you would hit SPAM and move on, but this is a real live person who you are absolutely certain is genuine. A genuine con artist is closer to the truth and although initially you may fall for the flattery, your inner sceptic still holds the purse strings. You will snap out of it just in time to avoid felony charges.

Gemini - Everyone has their own way of decorating their homes for the holidays. Fake tree, real tree, no tree, colour schemes and religious themes, it is all a matter of taste. For you, a combination of old favourites and some carefully chosen new articles will work the best. Do re-use your strings of lights, glass ornaments and pine cone wreath. Do not re-use strings of popcorn and cranberries, live evergreens or fruitcake. Use the same approach to your person as you do to your home. It's okay to wear the same dress you did last year. It is not okay to let some rude remark by your drunken Aunt Gertrude spoil your fun.

Cancer - Tis the season to be jolly my ass. Tis the season of outrageous expectations and over-spending. It does not matter in the least that you have spent all year covering their butts, saving their bacon and generally shouldering their burdens, they will still want something to unwrap on the big day. Driving yourself into an early grave in an effort to provide material proof of what should be glaringly obvious, is not a good plan. By Christmas you will just be drunk and bitter. Why not consider giving beautifully caligraphied lists of all the wonderful things you have already done for them this year? Failing that, fall back on a classic and give coal.

Leo - Eminent Ruler of The Known World is not a viable job description. It is also not something likely to be part of a community service sentence. So, try to see the coming week this way: sure, what you are being asked to do is far beneath your level of ability, and of course you can see what any trained chimp would spot in an instant - the single simple flaw that is holding everything back. Oddly, only you and the ape can see it so unless you want everybody to be heaping praise on the primate, you will let yourself stoop to doing this one measly little thing. You are still not going to be in charge of the universe, but you will earn a satisfying degree of adulation.

Virgo - You have a singular approach to the game of poker. Whether you're holding pocket aces or a pair of deuces your attitude is the same - shut up and play the game. You've just been dealt what could become the winning hand and you really want this. And right there is the secret to all of your former successes - those other games didn't matter. How can you bluff about something so real? You can't - and you don't have to. Take a deep breath, and as you push all of your chips into the pot, look your fellow gamblers in the eye and tell them honestly how much you want this. At worst this will confuse them so much that they make mistakes and lose. At best they actually just let you win.

Libra - You'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. You'd like to buy the world a Coke (tm) and keep it company. You'd like to stop feeling personally responsible for the happiness of everyone you know. It's like you can't set foot out your front door without tripping over someone who desperately needs your help. Panhandlers only want your bits of change, these people want bits of you. Have you considered travelling in cognito? Not necessarily The Witness Protection Program, but you might want to consider hats, dark glasses, a different route to work. If that doesn't work or if (most likely) you can't be bothered, try screaming at them all to leave you alone.

Scorpio - You're a take charge and get things done kind of person. Your next door neighbour's lawn needs mowing? You can do that. Your partner's car needs an oil change? You can do that. Sit back and let somebody else set the pace, direction and mode of travel? You can't do that. You need to change that. You can't always be in charge. Somtimes you have to let someone else take the lead while you follow. It'll be hard and you will have to sit on your hands and bite your tongue - a lot. You'll be surprised to discover what some people can do for themselves. Okay, now let's just be clear that when I say following I don't mean stalking,

Sagittarius - Let's play Loveboat. You be Julie, the cruise director. Yes I know that sounds like a euphemism. Julie had the ideal job. She was always travelling to exotic destinations; she got first crack at the eligible bachelors; she didn't appear to do any "work" at all. In the real world, Julie's job is way more stressful and difficult than the Captain's (how did he steer the ship when he was never on the bridge?) or Doc's (treating sunburn and broken hearts). Gopher and Isaac? Forget it. So, Julie, for the next leg of the journey, you're the one in charge of entertainment and making sure that everyone has a good time. Can you handle it?

Capricorn - On Friday when I got to the bagel place there was only one other person ahead of me. I ordered right away and stood to the side to let the people behind me order. I stood and stood and stood as one after another the people from the line behind me all picked up their breakfasts and mine failed to materialize. I was patient. I know that the best things in life are worth waiting for and that sometimes things happen for a reason. I also know that sometimes there's a language barrier and "toasted everything bagel with swiss lightly buttered" can sound like "nothing for me thanks I"m just looking". And sometimes I found, the best things in life are worth shouting at somebody.

Aquarius - If you don't know where you're going, you could end up anywhere. Experiment with a new method of navigation - walk outside and throw a coin in the air. Whichever direction the coin falls in is the direction you walk in. At the next intersection choose left, right or straight ahead based on a glimpse of your favourite colour. Your third decision should be made by following the most interesting person you see. Explore every short cut and be sure to seek the source of any music that reaches your ears. First impulses rule so never second guess yourself and avoid over thinking any of it. Net results? Razor sharp intuition and the sensation of flying.

Pisces - Here's a prediction - this week, while someone is pumping you for clues on one subject you accidentally let slip a secret on quite another topic - in fact it's a topic that is so old, only you could possibly still remember it. However, you can no longer remember why it was a secret in the first place. Well here's a heads up for you. To you it's old news, water under the bridge, bygones - to the person who just heard it for the first time from your mouth, it is read hot, current and needs to be dealt with. Your mind may have unwittingly dredged up a live bomb. Do your darndest to prove me wrong - whatever it is, don't say it. You don't want to know what you could set off.

Blogoscopes Week of December 3rd to December 10th

2007-12-02T11:44:00.000-05:00

Aries – The king was in the counting house counting out his money; the queen was in the parlour eating bread and honey. This is a good week for you to wear the big crown and re-familiarize yourself with the contents of your bank accounts, safety deposit boxes, piggy banks and shoe boxes. Someone is subtly draining your resources and the sooner you account for your personal wealth, the sooner you can see where the leak is.

Taurus – Did you know that Eddie Murphy once released a single called Party All The Time in which he seems to be complaining about his girlfriend’s apparently unending celebratory habits. It was a really awful song, causing listeners to laugh at Murphy rather than with him. Don’t be like Eddie; you should either join the party or get used to sleeping alone but whichever you choose to do, don’t sing about it.

Gemini – Every year when the Santa Claus parade rolls around I think, man he must resent having to take time out from his busiest season to have to do this dog and pony show. And I mean it’s not like he needs to drum up business is it? Pretty much everyone is buying what he’s selling; all he has to do is produce it. You and Santa should try the same thing – stay home and take care of business. Let the parade come to you.

Cancer – Can you tap dance? Can you tap dance at the speed of light? Two very different parts of your life are demanding equal access to your time. One is guilting you with responsibility, the other is tempting you with sparkly stuff. You don’t have to let them tear you in two but you will not only have to be fast and light on your feet, you will be composing the soundtrack as you go.

Leo – It’s always a good idea when you set out to save the world, to make sure that you’re not leaving a worse mess in your wake than the one you’ve decided to mend. I’m not talking about America’s foreign policy here; I’m talking about leaving the iron on at home while you go out to volunteer at the soup kitchen. Your goals will be easier to achieve when you’re working from a secure base.

Virgo – Relationships take work and anyone who enters into one thinking that it will be all sunshine and musicals is in for a rude awakening. Communication is important, and expressing needs and desires clearly is paramount – unless, that is, your need is for your partner to live up to a niggling set of standards that only you think important. That’s not communicating that’s nagging and you should stop it.

Libra – You’ve recently discovered that something you want rather badly is possessed by someone you don’t like very much. You could try being very nice to this individual until you achieve your desire, but I think you’ve left it a little late for any attempt to be believable; plus you’ll just end up hating yourself and despising your prize. You can either convince yourself that you don’t actually want what you want, or you can steal it.

Scorpio – Rejection often fosters fantasy – no matter who and no matter why, when someone brushes you off, turns you down or dumps you, it’s only human nature to imagine a scenario in which you are so smart, beautiful and powerful, that everyone who has ever turned their back on you begs you to come back. Okay, so this week try that shoe on the other foot. You may find your self sideswiped by a blast from the past.

Sagittarius – Speak up will you? I’m stuck here in the back row and I’m short so I can’t hear you very well. Plus there’s the cheering crowds, the trumpet fanfares and the buzz of skywriting planes to contend with. If you can’t make yourself heard, there’s hardly any point in opening you mouth. Stand up straight, breath deep and enunciate – oh and rent a decent sound system and one of those cool head set microphones.

Capricorn – Is it a particularly Canadian habit, or does everybody greet the first signs of winter by reminiscing about past winters? Just yesterday I was talking about my first winter in Edmonton and all the things I had to do to my car to keep it running - block heater, cardboard over the grill, remote starters and my hair dryer to clear the windows. There’s nothing like a blast of heat to clear the fog you’re currently peering through.

Aquarius – Did you know that the Black Death was largely responsible for the rise of the middle classes in Britain? The pestilence recognized no class barriers, but it decimated the peasantry and made those who were left less willing to put up with the shit that previously got dished out to them. They stood up en masse and asked for more and better. Don’t wait for the plague to make the same changes in your life.

Pisces – Did you ever get detention when you were in grade two? Did you have to stay in a recess and write out lines or do extra home work? And didn’t it suck to hear all the other kids laughing and having fun on the playground while you were stuck indoors? Close your eyes; listen to the voices and just imagine yourself out there with your friends. Soon enough recess will be over and so will your detention.

Blogoscopes Week of November 26th to December 3rd, 2007

2007-11-24T08:02:00.000-05:00

Aries - Remember last week when I recommended shop lifting your way to enlightenment? Well this week I'm going to recommend that adding a dash of larceny to your passions not only won't interfere with your success, it can potentially make you a WSL of dough. I've even chosen a role model for you, but - and this is important - emulate this model's business acumen and perseverance; don't take on her personality.

Taurus - You've got to check this out! Without a word of a lie, I scored a perfect 10. I am a good judge of character so it means something when I say that I truly love your character. It's an honest, happy, talented, intelligent, stalwart and loyal kind of character - which is my favourite kind. Know why? It's because of those mad times when you let yourself relax and let down your hair. The very earth trembles in anticipation of your dancing shoes.

Gemini - I want to share this with you because I think it can be soothing for you over the next week or so to be reminded that there is beauty in everything if you have the eyes to see it. I'd say you might also notice that even though no humans live there, every one of these places feel inhabited by something. If you're currently considering expanding into a larger space, it might help to deal with the ghosts before you do anything else.

Cancer - I'm not sure whether or not you can relate to this, but I'm pretty sure that if you didn't already know it to be true in your heart of hearts, that there is someone very close to you who does. You can actually get this printed on a t-shirt. Which is perfect, because you've got your hands full trying to find a sane and stable place to just take care of your loved ones. You don't have time to stop and explain what you're doing to every a**hole who asks.

Leo - By the time you read this the 2007 Grey Cup game will have been played and that'll be that for Canadian football until the season starts again. Know what the players do in their off season? Well it sure as H E double hockey sticks, isn't rest on their laurels. Being in the pros means big business; no one can take their eye off the ball. I think you could use a little work out. Your accuracy is still awesome but your speed seems to have fallen off a bit.

Virgo - There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting things to be exactly what they are - not a symbol, not a metaphor, not an insinuation - genuinely truly once and for all exactly what that thing is supposed to be. Being able to depend on a literal reality gives you the foundation that supports your more high flying efforts. With that in mind, here's a little something to answer one of life's big questions. There now that's settled.

Libra - Ever ask "who moved my cheese?" Was the answer "you moved your cheese"? Still no idea where it went? Would a map be helpful? Well here's a little too l that might clear things up for you in the future - you know the future? It's that point on the space time continuum where you stop to identify your surroundings, get your bearings and search for cheese. If this doesn't help try carrying a box of Triscuits. Cheese loves Triscuits.

Scorpio - According to this list of the 20 richest people in the world, 7 of the 20 dropped out of school, and thirteen of these billionaires are "self-made". What does all of this mean for you? It means that in some areas of life, experience is more important than schooling and you don't need to inherit a fortune to have one. Come on, you've been around this particular block at least once, you must have picked up something worthwhile along the way! Use it.

Sagittarius - If he were alive Jimi Hendrix would turn 65 on Tuesday. He was a Sagittarius, an innovator, a trail blazer, who, more than 30 years after his death, is still considered by many to be the greatest rock guitarist who ever lived. One other thing you need to know, Hendrix played left handed. Now watch this televised performance and tell me what's not there. See, even gods can be misunderstood.

Capricorn - When I stumbled upon this today it looked familiar. I thought it was a game and tried to play it - no luck. Next I saw a message that said plug-ins were needed but I was unable to add them. In frustration I sat staring at this page, wondering why I recognized it and what I was could do with it; and then it hit me - it's your life. There's a lot of little stuff going on and nothing you can do about any of it; but if you stare until your eyes cross you can see a rhythm.

Aquarius - Let's face facts shall we? Every Aquarian is a tad geeky. Some are extremely geeky but camouflage it with understated elegance. Like Armani luggage for digital gadgets. All right Waterbearers, start shopping for something to carry this in because now that you've seen it, you know you'll want it. If only it functioned the way it should. Who knows, it's possible that in reality you are the only remaining Time Lord. May I suggest something from Burberry?

Pisces - You've heard the expression "keep your friends close and your enemies closer". What if you don't know who your enemies are? What if, in fact, you really don't have any enemies, just a vague, formless yet over-arching sense of dread? I suggest you look here. Recognize anyone? Frequently, just seeing and naming your monsters is all you need to chase them away. If that doesn't work, then keep your teddy bear close and your stuffed monster closer.

Blogoscopes Week of November 19th to 26th, 2007

2007-11-17T09:58:00.000-05:00

Aries - Ever watch a two year old grocery shopping with mom? Whether walking behind or perched in cart they grab whatever they want off the shelves with no regard for consequences. After all, if someone tells a two year old to put it back, the two year old will just giggle and pull their shirt over their head. This week be two and grab what you want with no fear of repercussions.

Taurus - You need a really good full body stretch and there are a couple of ways you could achieve this. One is lie face down on the floor, forehead on your stacked hands and breathe deeply into your diaphragm, reaching head and feet as far out as you can while chanting. The second way is to turn up the tunes hit the dance floor throw you hands in the air while jumping up and down and shouting woo hoo.

Gemini - It can be difficult to find the dividing line between what we want for ourselves and what others want from us. This week, try thinking of those so-called obligations as a game of hide and seek. So what if you leave the playground and go hide at your house? You're still playing; you can still be found; and honestly, if it takes a little longer for seekers to discover where you are doesn't that make the game better?

Cancer - We are once more approaching that time of year when it behooves us to consider the plight of the poor Yak. Wandering through the mountains of Central Asia, these animals never know the joy of a home cooked turkey dinner with friends and family gathering from near and far; never unwrap a lovingly selected gift; never gather round the piano to sing yuletide carols.
Psych! This week, beware of cons for good causes.

Leo - There's no doubt that if and when you decide to take up sky diving you should take lessons from a skilled professional before you even consider a jump. I know that you've got a plan in place already and that you feel confident in your ability to succeed, but honestly a trampoline and a few well placed friends to catch you can never replace a good parachute. And by parachute I don't mean bed sheet.

Virgo - Your average financial adviser spends years learning about investment opportunities, macro and micro economics, the vicissitudes of the market place, and studying for the certification required to legally handle other peoples' money. Don't let this dissuade you from "borrowing" a close friend's funds and randomly attempting to double it in a business opportunity that is in no way a pyramid scheme.

Libra - Don't be Wile E. Coyote. Don't order equipment of any kind - most especially not weapons - from any company called Acme. The products won't do what they're supposed to and for heaven sake how does a coyote pay for all of this? They don't have pockets. There are no ATMs in the dessert. Plus, I think if you ever catch Roadrunner you'll find that he doesn't make good eating. Mostly just don't look down.

Scorpio - If you have something to say to someone then I recommend that you say it to them instead of telling two friends who will tell two friends who will....well you get the picture. By the time your message gets communicated it won't sound anything like it did when it left your mouth. What if the message your sending is "hey your hair is on fire" and it takes a week for that person to hear "here's your spare tire"?

Sagittarius - I have it on good authority that you should be closing up your garden for the season. Opinions are divided on whether this means wrapping your trees in burlap or leaving them to the mercy of the elements. You can certainly bet that tree's ancestors didn't have burlap bags in the winter and they survived just fine thank you very much. In the end you'll have to cut through all the discussion and decide for yourself.

Capricorn - I predict that at some point this week you're going to have a dream in which you parlay your little nest egg into a personal real estate empire that includes a palazzo in Rome, a townhouse in New York, a flat in Belgravia and a cottage in the Muskokas. Sadly, you will wake up to discover that in a chocolate induced haze you've actually purchased a half dozen Barbie Dream Houses.

Aquarius - Nearly everybody you know has a story about how they tried or didn't try, succeeded or failed miserably at talking themselves out of a speeding ticket. This week, you're going to have to talk yourself out of a parking ticket that you'll get while you're still in the car. Which is no more or less than you can expect when you're not really parked, just pulled over to the side of the road for a nap.

Pisces - Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and the next thing you know he'll be at the bottom of ocean wreaking havoc amongst the sea life with sharp objects, weird bait and even sticking his fist down a catfish's throat and dragging it back to the surface and taking pictures of it to show his friends. That's too much work, just buy yourself a can of tuna and make sandwiches.

Blogoscopes week of November 12th to November 19th, 2007

2007-11-11T16:02:00.000-05:00

Aries – If you laugh and nobody hears it is it still funny? No. Laughing alone is weird. You’re always laughing at things that only you find funny, and even in a room full of people you find yourself laughing alone. Are you weird? Oh yea. Should you stop laughing at things that no one else ever seems to get? Hell no. You should laugh more and above all, you should laugh louder. Some body somewhere will hear you, get the joke and start to laugh along. Don’t muffle the chuckle.

Taurus – Have you ever seen a performing seal? I haven’t in several years but when I was little I remember going to watch them balance balls on their noses, clap their flippers, play jokes on their trainers and bark out cryptic messages in code to secret agents in the audience who passed along important information to sea mammals all over the world. You too can broadcast to your personal network of operatives while acting silly and enjoying the little silver fishies that get tossed into your mouth.

Gemini – There’s more than one way to skin a cat (if that’s what you want to do) but they all require a sharp knife. There’s more than one way to cut the crap too (a more worthwhile pursuit I’m thinking) and they also require a sharply honed edge. Cats and crap are easy provided you have the right blade; more complicated things - like, say for example turkey - require some finesse. Sure, an axe, a meat cleaver, or a chop saw will do the job, but it’s not going to look really great when you put it on a plate, is it?

Cancer – Success is the best revenge; and I don’t think the fact that you’re seeking payback for an imaginary slight should hold you back from achieving your wildest ambition – not in the least. In fact, if you can’t decide on a course of action, sometimes a manufactured re-action can get things moving. Even paranoid delusions need a focus, so pick one make believe arch-enemy and prepare to show him/her just how wrong s/he is. You two are now partners in delusion – hide the sharp objects and get going.

Leo – What was the first movie you ever saw that scared you so badly that you had nightmares? Did you crawl into bed with mommy and/or daddy? Were you a little older and did you seek solace from a friend and/or a lover? It’s possible that you dealt with things on your own and simply slept with the lights on. Different types of scared call for different kinds of comfort; so in order to find the right kind of security you need to first identify the fear. Is it the chainsaw or the dancing hippos?

Virgo – Is pro wrestling real fighting or pugilistic choreography? It’s an age old debate, and - I feel - one that could be applied to any professional sport – hockey, cricket, synchronized swimming. To what degree are any of them played as opposed to performed? Where’s the dividing line? At what point does athletic gear become fashion and how do we discern the line between lifestyle and sport? The biggest question is does it matter? If you play Erika Kane for 25 years are you still Susan Lucci?

Libra – You're a little bit like Westly from The Princess Bride. Your life from an early age has been dedicated to the pursuit of your one true love. Fortunately you've spent many years in Ninja school honing your sword skill and your Zen. Now you will use your considerable abilities to overcome every obstacle standing between you and your dreams of connubial bliss. Now I'm not trying to throw you any shade, or step on your buzz, but you should know that in 43 of the 48 contiguous states this is considered stalking and it's illegal.

Scorpio – School is weird unless it's done right. If school equals education the you must enroll in a course of study that is meaningful to you. Your curriculum should be your spiritual path and your teachers should be your trusted gurus. Anything less results in an overheated and underlit room full of people who have paid a lot of money for the privilege of being bored to distraction by someone claiming to be an expert on the subject. Putting yourself in debt for life is something that should not be done lightly. Make sure you get enough bang for your buck.

Sagittarius – What if you had a gigantic version of those childhood knitting machines we used to play with? A spool, some nails in the top, and you keep winding yarn until a long tube of knitting snakes out the bottom. Make it a thousand times bigger, get you hands on all the wool you can find, and gather everybody together to start knitting. Before you know it you’ll have enough wool tubing to keep all the homeless people in the world warm and cozy all winter long. Not practical? Well then you come up with something.

Capricorn – In the history of music has it ever been more obvious than now that the only reason heterosexual men join bands is so that they can get the babes? Seriously, these guys would never get laid without a record deal. Maybe I’m just old; the generation before mine failed to recognize hotness in my rock gods. It’s like evolution on a microscopic level. In the future, tattoos will be inherited traits and the faux-hawk gene will become dominant. We are all of our own time.

Aquarius – Where were you on the night in question? Never mind what night, just answer the question. Bright lights, isolation and rapid fire questioning are all tactics of interrogation. They make you feel vulnerable and throw you off balance. You can’t see who’s asking the questions but you can’t hide from them. They expect you to justify all of your actions but are not prepared to respond to a single question from you. The only way to deal with this is to close your eyes and use the force.

Pisces – Did you ever wonder what kind of exercises Popeye must have done to have such massively developed forearms, bow legs and boy band hips? It had to be something more than squeezing spinach cans. You should maybe give some thought to emulating the sailor man’s physique. If you could be an Olympic level puppeteer and run the world by pulling strings, .then having wrists the size of thighs would mean you could accomplish everything without one arm tied behind your back.

Blogoscopes Week of November 5th to November 12th, 2007

2007-11-04T15:00:00.000-05:00

Aries – Here’s a theme for a party I want you to throw. Ask your friends and family to dig through their personal photo collections. Go beyond the recent and probably digital, get them to trawl through all those boxes of snaps stashed away in basements, attics, garages and closets. You do the same. Enjoy the reminiscences by all means, but there is something in particular you’re looking for – a laughing group of people having a really good time, and one clown in the background doing something distracting – bunny ears, funny faces, odd gestures – everybody has at least one of these. My guess? In the photos you are about to amass, the clown in the back is almost always you

Taurus – This is the time of year when many religious and spiritual venues (like churches) decorate with harvest fruits – fragrant bales of hay, colourful gourds and bright ears of corn, sheaves of grain and flame hued leaves. They act as a tithe, an ancient portion to the gods, and a reminder of all we should be thankful for; at one time this was also a necessary storage option, and today is a cheap and cheerful source of home décor items. Winter darkness is approaching and now is the perfect time to stockpile for hibernation and also to inject a little life into your home environment. And can I just say that letting your cat give birth to a litter in your sock drawer is not what I have in mind.

Gemini – Ever find yourself in a situation where you realize that you have accidentally and in all innocence, said something that is embarrassing, possibly offensive? Worse, having recognized your mistake you probably began to talk too much in an effort to apologize and of course this exacerbates the problem. Before you know it you feel like a complete idiot, people are staring, you’re starting to stutter but somehow you just can’t shut-up. So your ruler Mercury has just straightened up after a three week retrograde and you woke up this morning spouting confused apologies to everyone in sight. Would it help if I said no one remembers what you said in the first place?

Cancer – The thing about sci-fi fantasy stories that makes them so appealing to so many of us is the way they use ancient, universal archetypes to explore everyday themes. The original Star Wars movies were Greek theatre; and just think about the number of times you saw togas on Star Trek. Also, who can forget the clash of the Titans as exemplified by the South Park version of Godzilla versus Mothra, starring Barbra Streisand and Robert Smith of The Cure? It took Leonard Maltin to save the day – surreal, but meaningful. So what does all of this portend for you? First off, lighten up; not everything is drama; and second, no more late-night burritos.

Leo – First semester of college one of my dorm mates talked in her sleep. This went beyond random and non-sequential night mumbles, because she spoke only when spoken to, and always in fully coherent, complete sentences. You could tell her your deepest darkest secrets, ask for her advice on the most embarrassing problems, receive her wisdom/absolution and be completely certain that she would never remember a word of it. In daylight you couldn't mention this. She was a Leo and hated to feel that her words might be misconstrued or misused, but hey she made more sense unconscious than she did when she was awake. Sometimes you just gotta spit it out.

Virgo – I’m Internet challenged as I write so I can’t tell you the exact number of brand new automobiles that roll off assembly lines around the world every day, but I can tell you that it’s too many. Why is this? And how come they keep getting more expensive? Car prices don’t seem to be subject to the laws of supply and demand. Oh sure, many manufacturers are starting to develop environmentally friendly vehicles, and that’s great, but it’s still going to take a life time to replace all the cars that are already on the road never mind new ones . So why not stop making more cars and give those earth friendly inventions a chance to catch up? Is it time for a garage sale?

Libra – Ever heard of snake oil sales men? They were purveyors of concoctions of dubious ingredients and spurious efficacy who were none the less quite successful at selling their wares. How could this be you ask? They spoke to that most human of all emotions, fear of the unknown. They used the language of facts, and science to promise protection from that unknown. They also very often lived an itinerant life and were long gone by the time their unsuspecting customers could realize that they had been duped. Sounds like a paradigm for the democratic election process. Your message is sincere and genuine, but that shouldn't stop you from copying their style.

Scorpio – You’re usually a bit of a trend spotter. I’m not saying you always embrace the cutting-edge; after all you’re not much of a follower. Nor am I saying that you’re a trend setter because heaven knows most people don’t have what it takes to carry off your style. You do, however, have a discerning sensibility and keen eye for those things that the meeker majority will eventually embrace although you’re the only one who currently sees the attraction. Don’t lose faith in your ideas just because no one else is able to see what you do. If all visionaries gave up that easily we wouldn’t have things like Karaoke TV and there would be a lot less music in the world.

Sagittarius – Dreams – we all have them even if we don’t remember them, and what we do in dreams is a good indicator of our waking hopes and fears, and being able to translate your night time inspirations into day time actions is like finding an extra room in your house. Much has been written about how your waking actions affect your dreams – it’s like sleeping with intent – but what you need to do is find a way to carry your dream energy out into the world. Hang on to that dreamy feeling, and defer interacting with other people until after 2 pm. No need to go as far as Hef has, but a few days spent in your pajamas might help. And, for one week, don’t comb your hair.

Capricorn – Scariest thing in the world is the freshly sober person embracing a new outlook with the confidence of a drunk, and the determination of an addict. Net result is an individual with the evangelism of a born again virgin and absolutely no fear. They will say anything, do anything and share it all. It’s always a toss up – are they inspired or insane? If you hang around for the homily will you find yourself with a bad case of vertigo? If you walk away shaking your head will you always wonder? Whichever you choose, never give one of these kooks your phone number or even your real name – sincere or not, they’re all stalkers.

Aquarius – I hate reality shows. I despise the “contestants” who participate in them. Why? Is it the fact that most of them are trying to get something for nothing? Or am I just freaked out by the number of people who feel the need to broadcast their boring little lives to the world. And their lives must be REALLY boring if they’re prepared to be this humiliated for money. Famous for being famous is a job description. Can the on-line courses for a degree in Meaningless Celebrity, be far behind? But I digress, what I really dislike about reality shows, is the viewers who believe that this virtual peep show is a viable relationship. This week, touch as much real stuff as you can; real people too.

Pisces – I wish I had the nerve to shave my head and wear wigs. Okay I really wish you had the nerve to shave your head and wear wigs. An extreme change in hair colour or style can make you look and feel like a whole new person so imagine what it would be like to wear different hair every day. Think how you’d feel if this coming Wednesday you could be a curly red head, go blond braids on Thursday and short green tresses on Friday. How would your life be changed if your hair was a blue bob? What would your dreams and ambitions be if your crowning glory was purple dreads? What if red-headed-you had to execute plans made by blond-you? Expand your repertoire at all?

Blogoscopes Week of October 29th to November 5th, 2007

2007-10-27T10:46:00.000-05:00

Aries - Home office, home school, home made, home life; there's a lot of satisfaction to be gained from running your own business, teaching your own children, making your own stuff, creating your own life - plus, you can avoid the daily commute and stay in your pyjamas all day. However, it's a lifestyle that is not with out drawbacks - work and play can seriously overlap. Does home office party sound like fun?

Taurus - There's a right way and a wrong way to take a sauna - oh wait, that's not a sauna, you're just letting off steam in a small place. Same deal really, whether you're relaxing in the heat or creating it, periodic cooling off will get you your best results. You have incredible stamina but you're beginning to resemble a prune. Don't take this the wrong way, but you should go jump in the lake.

Gemini - An important part of any performance is costume, whether it's a Torero's suit of lights, an Olympian's skating dress, a ballerina's tutu, or the geisha's kimono. It's not enough to be the best at what you do, you need to look different from the rest in order to really stand out. Stand out in a good way; you don't want to be the one who gets remembered for a wardrobe malfunction. Make sure your sequins are secure.

Cancer - On the surface, speed dating would seem to be an odd way to meet a potential romantic partner, but the truth is that we make snap decisions about people anyway, and the few minutes you get on a speed date are ample time for you to know whether you ever want to see this person again; black or white, yes or no - simple. It does not, however, work in all areas of life - slow down and ask more questions.

Leo - This week, while visiting your safe deposit box, you accidentally get locked inside the bank vault. Fortunately, you discover a long forgotten business plan you produced through automatic writing during that occult phase you had back in college. Hey guess what? Not only is that plan still viable, but you now have the time, the skills and the capital to pull it off. Of course you can't do anything until they open the vault in the morning.

Virgo - If you were to contemplate going over Niagara Falls in a barrel, would you be encouraged by the fact that 9 of the 13 who did it survived, or discouraged at the thought of the four who died? And let's not forget the six who were prevented from making the attempt; do you call that a narrow escape or a missed opportunity? Doesn't matter; you get passed a certain point and gravity just takes over.

Libra - Not all American travellers are obnoxious, but I've bumped into quite a few on vacation who never stop talking. They have opinions - often based on mis-information - about everything, and appear to feel a burning need to share those opinions with everybody in earshot. Frequently finding fault with places that aren't America, they miss all the reasons why a person travels in the first place. Don't be an American tourist.

Scorpio - You're like a magical iceberg - the most interesting parts of your life are hidden from view, and the little bit that does show is like a dazzling sleight of hand distracting people from looking below the water line, so to speak. This week, a skeptical deep sea diver crosses your path and refuses to be sidetracked by your hocus pocus. You might want to re-think your "publish and be damned" policy.

Sagittarius - As a rule, I don't like to recycle links, but this one was too perfect not to use. Now, if you feel that you true best path to enlightenment and finding your higher self, involves digging a tunnel through the centre of the planet, then go for it. I'll drop new shovels down to you as needed. If, however, you're digging a hole to escape into or to hide, forget it. You'll find more than shovels landing on your head.

Capricorn - You know how annoying it is when you're waiting for the streetcar and it's cold and wet and dark, and you're hungry and running late and you lean out and look to see if there's one coming and the idiot beside you leans out as well. Now you can't see anything, and we all know that unless you look about every 30 seconds, a streetcar will never show up. Just so you know, the guy behind you thinks you're the idiot.

Aquarius - So one day, you're travelling by bus, or train, or airplane; you're comfortably settled in and whether it's the air temperature, the dark outside the window, or the drone of the engine, you fall into a trance and dream the answer to all the world's problems. You awake to the realization that your triumphant "Eureka!" was actually shouted out loud and now your fellow passengers are staring at you.

Pisces - Do you know where the candles are? The power is going to be flickering for a bit - on/off/on/off - really annoying; you might as well just turn everything off and fire up some wax. Everybody and everything looks prettier by candle light. Faces glow, rooms look warmer, and it's really hard to see dirt. Plus, with no TV, no computer, no electric hum the voices might shut up long enough to let you get some sleep.

Blogoscopes Week of October 22nd to 29th, 2007

2007-10-21T11:56:00.000-05:00

Aries - This week if you're late for stuff don't apologize and don't give reasons. Let people wonder what you were doing and where you've been; it has a huge cool factor.

Taurus - For the next few days please don't wear striped socks because if a house falls on you you'll look like the Wicked Witch of the West and I'm still creeped out by that visual.

Gemini - Finish your thoughts. When you start a sentence mid thought and then zoom off on random tangents people don't understand you, they're only nodding to be polite.

Cancer - It's really hard to catch a greased pig, which is part of the joy of the - I don't know do you call it a sport? - anyway as long as you don't expect results, just enjoy the game.

Leo - Bank loan or booty call, this is the time to be using other people's stuff; whether it's money or body parts they'll ante up. Careful, interest rates are high.

Virgo - Leather patches are not just for elbows anymore. You can sew them on pockets, knees, hats, even collars. Cut them in heart shapes before you start basting them on.

Libra - You know how sometimes airlines lose your luggage? Fly now and your luggage will get there and you'll be re-routed. Stop talking with your mouth full.

Scorpio - Geek is the new sexy. If ever anything pointed to a male dominated society this is it. The good news is that horn rims and a pocket protector can get you laid.

Sagittarius - What would happen to MarineLand if all the dolphins joined a meditation class? Flipper sits on the bottom of the pool blowing "om" shaped bubbles.

Capricorn - You find proof that the person in your mirror is not a reflection but an actual separate, living being. Either that or you're a vampire. Any way you can't see yourself.

Aquarius - You had too much to drink last night and woke up to a phone ringing and someone banging on the door. Time to scream "get lost" and go back to dreaming.

Pisces - You get a Halloween suggestion cause I know you need a little lead time. Dress up as Edgar Bergen and find somebody to sit on your lap and do your talking for you.

Blogoscopes Week of October 15th to 22nd, 2007

2007-10-13T12:31:00.000-05:00

Aries - Training wheels are a great thing. They give you the courage to try to do things you would otherwise never consider. The downside of them is that you're working with a net; you will never know the unparalleled thrill that comes from recklessly throwing yourself head first into something completely new with no regard for safety. Well there's no doubt that for you the ship has sailed on an opportunity or two, but hey, there are a whole bunch of unheard of mistakes ahead, just waiting for you to come along and make them! Take off the training wheels; because really, what's the worst that could happen?

Taurus - Say nightie night! I know, you're not tired and you're just going to finish this one teensy weensy little thing, but seriously - go to bed and go to sleep. Without sleep there are no dreams, and without dreams there is no chance that you will see those weird connections that your waking mind misses - like the resemblance between the biggest scariest thing on your mind and that giant purple giraffopotamus you were playing lacrosse with last night; both are weirdly surreal, but contain elements you recognize. Make a conscious effort to dream green hipporaffes and then watch how that impacts your reality.

Gemini - Does it feel as though the entire world is arrayed in formation against you? Are you beginning to get just a little bit paranoid about being all alone on your side of the fence? Before you get too carried away by your solitary plight, take a closer look around. Your peeps are all behind you, there are lights flashing all around you and there's a red carpet at your feet. Don't be scared, they just want to take your picture, maybe get an autograph, a sound bite, a smile and a wave. Don't mistake any of this for genuine affection but don't miss this opportunity. You're the flavour of the day so just enjoy it.

Cancer - If you were a Tarot card, this week you would be The Lovers. A handsome young man in medieval garb stands with a beautiful woman on each arm - two very different but equally desirable women. Get you mind out of your cod piece, this has nothing to do with that kind of love; it has to do with making a choice. Do you want the luxury sedan with the built in home theatre system, or do you want the shiny red convertible with the high end sports package? It's not a question of head says posh and heart says flash it's a question of head says "or", heart says "and". So here's where the love comes in....ignore your head, listen to your heart and have it all.

Leo - Can you imagine what it must be like for an actor who gives the performance of a lifetime, in a film that's released in February - and spends the next year listening to rumours of an Oscar nomination. It's got to be difficult to stay sane over the course of twelve months during which there is absolutely NOTHING you can do to influence the outcome. You either gave a winning performance or you didn't. What I think you should do is begin acting like a winner. Get you stylist to start putting together you awards night look and get on with your life. Your next role should be something daring that says you already know you're a winner.

Virgo - Here's a fun game for you. Pick your favourite letter (not D) from the 26 character Latin alphabet. Now, think of a word beginning with that letter that means drunk. Rat-assed, gunned and juiced come to mind. That was easy wasn't it? Know what? You could do that with each of the other letters of the alphabet and each of them would be just as simple. Maybe you should attempt the same thing with hangover cures; not so easy huh? I suggest that you start giving that second list some thought and perhaps even writing it down, so that when the spins hit you'll be ready. Sleeping this one off is not an option.

Libra - You have a reputation for being indecisive, but you don't really have any difficulty choosing, you just take your time, weigh all the factors and choose carefully. Sometimes though, you come across a situation where there are no factors; nothing solid on which to base a decision. In a case like this, there's little point in flipping a coin - best out of three, five, seven, nine - when do you stop? Instead, take a dozen eggs and go sit on the nearest ridgepole. One by one place each egg down and watch which way it rolls. Right or left, your choice is made by where the most eggs land. Don't worry you won't have to cheat on this one to get what you want.

Scorpio - So you accidentally confessed your shopaholia to a Narcotics Anonymous meeting and they laughed you out of the hall. Really not surprising, I mean what do a group of recovering heroin addicts have in common with someone who can't stop buying shoes? Shortly afterward you discovered you were in a synagogue when you stood up and hollered Hallelujah Jesus? Group dynamics can be difficult at the best of times and a shared interest or belief goes a long way toward oiling your social networks. This week you may be shocked or disappointed to discover the true nature of the gang you currently hang with.

Sagittarius - Last Christmas, someone you know gave you a membership to cheese of the week club and you hate cheese. For some unknown reason, instead of passing on these cheesy gifts to someone who might appreciate them, you've been stashing them in the linen closet. Christmas is coming around again in almost no time at all and you now have a cupboard overflowing with smelly, mouldy dairy products from around the world. Before you find yourself actually drowning in cheese, have a good clean out and get rid of it all. And for Pete's sake, tell your friend before they renew your subscription this year.

Capricorn - When you were a kid, did you like Hide and Seek? It's a great game if you're winning, but nothing sucks more than being IT. You close your eyes, count to 100 and let all of your playmates make themselves invisible. "Ready or not, here I come" sounds like a pretty flimsy threat to aim at people you can't even see. Then you have to tramp all over the place trying to find at least one of them so you don't have to be IT anymore. From a seeking point of view this game sucks. Luckily for you, your friends are all very predictable. You know exactly where each one is tucked away. Next, it's your turn to hide.

Aquarius - Dancing is fun isn't it? It's a much more interesting way to travel from point A to point B than just plain walking. Dancing can be free form, interpretive or highly structured with complicated patterns of steps or simple relaxed shuffling. The best part about dancing is that it's not linear. There is no finish line and the only goal in dancing is the dance itself. If you turn up the music and boogie on then the fact that your most recent progress has been two steps forward and one step back becomes far less annoying. Now you can choose to step forward, backward, right or left. Or stay in one place and pogo.

Pisces - Every body loves a good display of prestidigitation. We can call it magic, but we know that we're just being duped by a sleight of hand that tricks us into seeing nothing but what the performing artist wants us to see. And that's exactly how you need to go about accomplishing what you want to do. Make it look as though your putting all your energies into one thing when in reality you've got about six irons in the fire. One word of warning, don't waste this magical energy on the young or the innocent, because when you're only 3 (or really simple) a rabbit might as well come out of a hat as anywhere else.

Blogoscopes Week of October 8th to 15th, 2007

2007-10-03T19:08:00.000-05:00

Aries - When you were just a little child, you asked your mommy what will I be? Will I be famous, will I be rich? Here's what she said to you: "How the hell should I know; what do you want to be?" So, no help there, and you started looking around to see who looked like an interesting role model. Wonder who Doris Day picked for hers? She was America's sweetheart for years and as an octogenarian is now an animal activist. So see, no matter what you choose to do you'll end up as a crazy cat lady! Que sera, sera.

Taurus - They say that the road to hell is paved with good intentions. They also say that the end justifies the means. So you're damned if you do and damned if you don't. You've got to be really creative to pull off a good deed without suffering some dire consequences. There's a window of opportunity right now and a spotlight is shining on your benevolence. That light is bright enough to blind onlookers to any path leading up to or away from this moment; so grab the microphone and say your piece.

Gemini - Here's a good decorating tip. When you want to brighten up a dull, dark space, or pretty up a bland one, add a mirror, add crystal, add anything that sparkles and reflects. The same is true of a dull life; add a sparkling Gemini and everything looks much better. Someone in your life right now needs you to be their own personal disco ball. No reflection is needed, just be your usual lovely multi-faceted scintillating self and everyone will get everything they need.

Cancer - Seems like these days the cool thing to do is spend some time in rehab. It would be great if we all had a chance to spend a month someplace where we could rest, recuperate, meet new people and most of all learn how to care for our selves; especially if we could do it without having a substance abuse problem. In reality, all most of us need is a loving partner to hold our hands and lead us through and out of our darkest hour. Oh sure, people will still think you're crazy but as long as you're loved, who cares?

Leo - A lot of blood, sweat and toil goes into staging a successful rock and roll world tour; behind the scenes there are hours of physical labour moving the stuff all over the world, setting it up and tearing it down night after night; hard work it is but I'd be willing to bet that the pampered stars of the show aren't the only ones who find it difficult to go back to the everyday world. Even Sisyphus would miss his rock were he able to stop pushing it up that hill. I'll bet Mick and Keef wrote No Satisfaction at the end of a tour.

Virgo - Okay so you've turned on the TV and found yourself watching the last five minutes of some random cop show. The bad guy has his arm around the throat of some fainting lovely and he's holding a gun to her temple. There are at least six officers of the law all aiming their own weapons at this hapless criminal. Now imagine you are that hapless criminal. The good news is that you've got what it takes to talk them in to laying down their weapons and giving a you a head start. Duck and run!

Libra - Seems like everybody these days is looking for their fifteen minutes of fame and most of them aren't too fussy about how they get it. Average Janes and Joes invite camera crews to transmit their behaviour to homes all over the western world; said behaviour being frequently stupid, cowardly and base. Former celebrities, not content to languish out of the spotlight are now lining up for their opportunities to look ridiculous in front of the world. And the biggest question in your mind should be, why in the world would anybody want to be famous?

Scorpio - Everybody's talking about you. You are the newest, the brightest, the most interesting, the best. You've got it all, brains, beauty, talent and to top it all off you can make them laugh. There has never, in all the history of the world been anyone as wonderful, as multi-talented, as incredible, as you. Every word of this is true, and while you should keep it in mind, you must not let it go to your head. You will always be you; they are treating you like the flavour du jour. Don't fall for it.

Sagittarius - You're having a wonderful dream. You've cured cancer, ended world hunger, brought peace to the middle east, and figured out the Caramilk secret. Around the globe you are revered and loved; everywhere you go people strew riches and their first born children at your feet. The best part is that it was so easy. You can't understand why nobody saw it years ago and you are adorably humble about it all. Then the alarm goes off and you realize that you still haven't figured out how to get the stuck-on food off of your casserole dishes.

Capricorn - Oh hello, while I've got your attention can I just say that before you head off to your spiritual retreat you should double check your mailbox, because there's a very good chance that you really and truly have won the Publisher's Clearing House Sweepstakes. Every year, you have followed the contest rules, patiently fill out subscription forms to magazines you'll never read and sent in the responses well in advance of the deadlines; that commitment is about to pay off. Claim your prize now, or you'll come back to discover that your house sitter is a millionaire.

Aquarius - You know what it's like when your family doesn't like your lover and your lover hates your family? For some reason they seem to feel that messing with your head is the way to resolve their antipathy. So you've got two different factions using all their wily wiles to get you to see and do things the way they would like them to be. Who's got time for all this shit? Here's a thought - big mud pit, everybody in leotards, let them get in there and wrestle it out so you can just get on with your solo career.

Pisces - Did you know that a duck's quack doesn't echo and nobody can explain why this is? Which means that ducks are the only creatures on the face of the earth that can say anything and have it directly understood as it was spoken. Of course as far as we know duck's don't really have anything to say - at least not to us - so it's a shame that they and not humans, have been given this ability. Ducks are unlike humans in another way - their emotions don't infect their messages. Can you quack like a duck?

Blogoscopes, Week of October 1st to October 8th, 2007

2007-09-29T10:29:00.000-05:00

Aries - When you were a kid and first learning to play the guitar everybody gave you a hard time about it - they complained about the noise, they told you that you sucked, they mocked you for your dream and they blocked you at every turn. They were also the first to call begging for backstage passes when you played Wembley Stadium. So, it's time for your high school reunion and this week you're playing to the home town crowd for the first time. Nothing has changed, they're just not saying it to your face.

Taurus - Hey did you know that Tony Robbins is coming to Toronto soon? Did you know he was still alive? Because I didn't. I mean I didn't really think he was dead but I'd forgotten that he was alive which is almost the same thing. Are people still joining his cult? What is it that he says that draws the crowds? Hey you know what, if this guy can still pack em in and make a decent living doing it, what's stopping you? If I had to choose a motivational speaker it would definitely be you. You have interesting things to say. Plus I know that you're alive.

Gemini - One man's trash is another man's treasure; an old saw that is amply demonstrated by that exclusively urban activity - garbage picking. It never fails to amaze me what people will decide to throw out on the curb on collection night. I've found furniture, stereos, and once, a gorgeous oriental carpet. The stereo worked, the furniture needed a coat of paint, but the carpet was a stained disaster. Broke my heart really, cause it was perfect for my room. Ah well, it just goes to show that what you love by moonlight is not always everything it seems.

Cancer - Some one's knocking on your front door, the phone is ringing, your cell is vibrating and your computer says you've got mail. It's really annoying but I'll tell you right now that ignoring all of it will not make any of it go away. You absolutely must respond, but keep in mind that "no comment" is a response: blocking e-mails is a response: slamming a door in some one's face is a response. Take a moment to reflect before you do respond because one of them you will want to actually talk to and you don't want to risk being unresponsive.

Leo - I'm going to recommend that you spend some time this week watching old cartoons. You know what Coyote & Roadrunner teach us - don't look down, don't buy from Acme, obsession is bad - but don't overlook the life lessons offered by other quirky animated characters. Bugs Bunny, Elmer Fudd, Porky Pig, Daffy Duck, Huckleberry Hound, Quick Draw McGraw and Yogi Bear - each represents a universal archetype, and, like the characters of a tarot deck, can lead you to enlightenment. It's like the dao of Booboo and Baba Looey.

Virgo - Reality makeover shows usually have nothing to do with reality. Pretty personalities invade the lives of sad and hapless losers looking for handouts. Home, wardrobe, life, loves, whatever it is they're re-making, in the end all that changes is the facade. A coat of paint and some new upholstery, make up and wardrobe, clean it all up and wave good bye. How long after the cameras are gone and the production team has driven away, does it all fall apart? Real change takes more than favours and freebies, it takes hard work and commitment.

Libra - Forget the fact that Paris Hilton's dog has been on the cover of People, seen more red carpet action than you ever will, and knows what Stavros Niarchos III looks like naked, Tinkerbell has also written a book! It kind of makes you wonder why any one would want to be famous. Really: you're fighting for market share with a chihuahua! Does that seem like a worthwhile life goal? You are really sparkly right now and well on your way to cover story status so I guess the only decision you have to make is whether you are carrying the rhinestone covered handbag or whether you're in it.

Scorpio - I tried to channel my inner Scorpio this week and ended up writing a lot of X-rated stuff. You are probably experiencing the exact same thing in a totally different way. So over the next few weeks I want you to turn on your inner spelling and grammar check and set your spam guard to high alert. Every time you sing a note, speak a word, write a sentence, or type an e-mail, I want you to take every precaution possible to make sure you get it right. I'm also giving you one more very powerful tool to help you avoid a tongue twisting travesty. If you want anybody to listen to a word you say, use it.

Sagittarius - What is success? Is it the mountaintop reached through hard work and struggle; or is achievement measured in floating clouds of dream fulfillment? Every body loves heart warming stories of people following dreams: it motivates them to invent dreams of their own to follow. But the point of following a true dream is that it has no purpose beyond itself - not wealth, not fame, not revenge. Which is why so many of them go off the rails. But not you; you follow your dream for it's own sake.

Capricorn - There are two schools of thought about what it takes to be a successful gambler: one says you need to know how much you can afford to lose and be ready to walk away: the other calls that loser thinking, and urges a go for broke attitude. I know which one you are - you're smart, your careful and so far, you're winning, but is now really the time to be counting chips? Just line up your troll doll, your Elvis snow-globe and your green rabbit's foot. Pull up your lucky underwear, and bet the whole enchilada.

Aquarius - Imagine what your life would be like if you were a raindrop. Check out that link, and then come back so that I can tell you that I wanted to use this as a way of showing you how connected everything is to everything else, and how every single step of the way is equally as important as the one before it and the one to come after: mostly, I want to show you that raindrops are neither rich nor poor, good nor evil: raindrops do not have degrees of beautiful: raindrops have one simple purpose.

Pisces - Go fly a kite! Seriously, you've got hold of the tail end of something that is taking off big time. Yes, the perfect sunny and airy conditions do seem to be prevailing, but a kite doesn't just get itself air borne now does it? You are going to have to carry that contraption to the top of the highest hill you can find, and then trot ahead of it for a few yards until it takes off. It will undoubtedly flap around in the breeze for a bit, but it's not an attempt to escape, just to discover its own flight pattern. Just hang on and keep your feet on the ground.

Blogoscopes Week of September 24th to October 1st, 2007

2007-09-23T10:12:00.001-05:00

Aries - Hearing voices is not just for crazy people any more. A surprising percentage of the so-called 'normal' population hear their names being called, instructions being given and many even hold conversations with people who aren't visible. Sometimes the voices are familiar and sometimes they're not. The frequency apparently increases as we age. Admitting this has not always carried the stigma of mental illness - in earlier times it was interpreted as a sign of demonic possession. A case of pick your poison. Listen well but be careful what you repeat.

Taurus - Know what's the best thing about the see-saw? When the right person is on the other end of that board the potential for fun on a fulcrum is limitless. The two of you can take turns lifting each other on high or balance so you're both in mid air. Trust in your playmate means you won't either get slammed to the ground or be left hanging. When you both play nice, the non-stop up and down is a lot of fun. Um, I said when you both play nice. Your attempt at being uplifting has turned into hanging someone up. It's time to get off your duff.

Gemini - In just a few short weeks, your ruler Mercury will once again go retrograde. Venus, the love of his life, will tell him that it just won't ever work between them, and that she's moving to Moscow to be closer to her true love Mars. Whatever bad news you receive now, it is definitely being over-dramatized, and nobody is able to clearly view the entire picture. My advice to you on dealing with this situation is to throw a party. It will help to pass the time while you wait for things to work themselves out - and they will, work themselves out.

Cancer - Last evening at a friend's studio opening, I got into a discussion about boots. My favourite boots are nearly ten years old and no longer particularly fashionable. They lace up to my knee - no zippers that's cheating - so they hug my legs. They have a soles like tractor treads so every step feels solid. Needless to say, they're black. They are so comfortable that I have actually slept in them! Okay, okay, passed out in them, but the point is, that it won't kill you to put something off until tomorrow. If you can't do that, then ask somebody to give you a hand.

Leo - You're not the biggest fan of winter. It's cold and damp; the lake is frozen; outdoor activities become problematic and; there's never enough daylight. But then, every once in a while, you get one of those perfect December days - you know, all sunshiny with a crisp blue sky and smooth tobogganing down slopes of fresh powdery snow. Get this picture in your head and keep it there over the days ahead. Not all winter is dark, and not all downhill is a crash - sometimes what looks really scary is truly fun and easy.

Virgo - Is guilt an emotion? In the sense of being hate turned inward, then yes it most certainly is an emotion. And, it's the one emotion that is, hopefully, susceptible to reason. So listen up - you are human: this is a learning experience: the curve is steep but you will make it. And the best thing is that you are moving toward a carrot, not ahead of a stick. It's all about future rewards not past punishments. Work is work, play is play and you need to participate in all of it fully, without hating yourself for the fun parts.

Libra - Sometimes it's incredibly difficult to get your point across. It's like sitting in the nosebleed seats at the Sky Dome and trying to call the play on the field. It's like being in the audience at The Price Is Right and shouting numbers at a stranger in contestant row. Even if you could make yourself heard, why should anybody believe you before anyone else in the screaming throng that surrounds you? Here's a hint: remember that you're talking down to someone. You need volume and attitude. Grab a megaphone and slap on a sneer.

Scorpio - All you vegetarians stick with me here because if you can't share the sentiment you are at least familiar with the concept: the perfect steak. It's thick and juicy, prepared to a degree that suits whatever your individual taste requires - well done, medium-well, medium, medium-rare, rare and blue rare. There's probably some aficionado out there who has names for at least two more degrees of done-ness between blue and raw, but that's the point isn't it? Life is a steak and should be served to suit you. So how would you like that cooked?

Sagittarius - Oscar Wilde has been quoted as saying he always carried his diary with him on his travels in case he needed something scandalous to read. You might want to think about doing something similar with your diary, if not for the scandal, then for a couple of very good reasons. It's a reminder of your past - helping you measure how far you've travelled toward your goals, reminding you who you used to be, who you are and who you want to be. It will also give you a good chance to do some editing with an eye to future publication.

Capricorn - So you got the middle seat, in the middle row. You're flanked on the right by a dentist from the mid-west, his alcoholic wife and spaced out kids and on the left by a Heavy Metal cover band with rock star pretensions. The flight attendants are avoiding eye contact, which sucks cause you could really use a drink. Hey, psst! Remember, two seats to the right there's an alcoholic! And I'm sure somebody in this row could roll you a joint if needed. Being stuck in the middle doesn't mean you can't have fun.

Aquarius - Anticipation is a wonderful spice. By the time you get around to any actual experience, your senses are so cranked up with waiting that when it finally occurs, every aspect of it is heightened. Of course Anticipation has a twin sister named Dread, who creates a similar, although less salubrious effect. Either one can get you so carried away that reality is reduced to something that is rapidly disappearing in the rear view mirror. Write your name and address in your undies and drop some breadcrumbs if you ever want to find you way back to Earth.

Pisces - Home staging improves your chances of a quick and profitable turn over when it comes to real estate. An entire television genre has sprung up around this idea. It's easy to get caught up in the pretty decorator-ness of it all but in reality what home staging does, is imply the kind of lifestyle that prospective buyers want. It works for more than real estate. If you want people to buy into your latest idea, you are going to have to dress it up real nice and make it sparkle. That way everybody will want what you've got.

Blogoscopes, Week of September 17 to 24, 2007

2007-09-16T19:34:00.000-05:00

Aries - While the cat's away, the mice will play - an old adage that could be the tag line for most teen movies; Mom and Dad go away, leaving you, earnestly determined to be good, alone and in charge of the house, the car, and the dog. You fall prey to wily and unethical forces that overrun your home and threaten to get you grounded. You will get away with this party, but when it comes to clean up, you will also be on your own.

Taurus – You know they say that saving a drowning person may be the hardest type of rescue to pull off....believe it or not drowning people often fight to get away from their would be heroes. You're advised to throw them a rope or hand them a pole or do just about anything but touch them. Otherwise you run the risk of going down with them. You're a hands on kinda person though so I advise you to take another path - knock them unconscious and drag them to shore.

Gemini - You are normally a fine juggler but lately your left hand hasn't known what your right was doing and you've been shy of tossing anything up in case you can't catch it. Well the good news is that this week the gravity gets turned off and you'll get all four hands back in sync. The down side is that you can't decide whether to go back to flinging apples, bowling balls or flaming chainsaws. What the heck, why not try one of each?

Cancer – Once in a while we are wise take our selves through the process of weeding out. We get rid of the things that are only taking up space in our lives; clothes we’ve outgrown, books we’ll never read again, records we haven’t listened to in years. Most often the hardest things to lose are not things but thoughts. Spend the next few days in the basement of your memories, but prepare to let some of it go.

Leo - I had a dream the other night that you were a scientist - not world re-knowned or even very well funded, but passionate about your research and determined to be true to your calling. After many many hours spent in the lab performing painstaking research and complicated tests, you finally reached your goal and were finally able to prove that bacon is the cure for all the ills of the world. In my dream you won the Nobel Prize for everything including awesomeness.

Virgo - You have worked hard to mold the raw material of your world into the tone poem that is now your life. Yours is a habitat of soft colours, pleasing shapes, and clean lines. So what the f@*# is up with the new neighbours and their orange house? It's in your face every time you walk out your front door. The previously serene glow of your evenings now resembles the aftermath of a nuclear mushroom cloud. You can't make it go away, but you can pull the blinds and use the back door.

Libra - Here's a new game I'd like you to try. First, write a Resume for the person you believe you self to be. List the experience, education and past success or failure that has led you to become who you are today. Now use bold, italic, and colour to format it so that it highlights the areas you're proudest of; the ones you want others to notice first. Next, change the default language setting on your computer and run spell check. Talk about seeing your self from a whole new perspective!

Scorpio – Sometimes on a weekend, I’ll stay in the house, reading, writing, painting, sleeping, and eating without ever setting foot outside of the condo or speaking to another living being. It can be really difficult to get back into the world on Monday morning and I frequently find myself completely unable to utter a word until after my second cup of coffee. And you know what? It’s okay to let everybody else carry the conversation for a while.

Sagittarius – Apparently the Hug Shirt is about to hit stores. The concept boggles my mind. Ideally there are two shirts – one for you and the other for the object of our affection. Then, through the magic of blue tooth you can use your cell phone to digitally transmit a hug to your partner’s shirt. Ahhhhh, how sweet! The opportunities for abuse are endless but if I were you I’d make sure my own number was the only one on speed dial.

Capricorn – It’s sometimes tricky to distinguish the difference between passionate focus and down right madness. The message is often more important than the expression but not always. For instance, say Gandhi and Tom Cruise exchanged M.O.’s and one ranted about peace while the other starved for love – which one would be more credible, and which one would you believe?

Aquarius – I used to have a friend who had a rural address and the first time I visited, the directions were to drive south on Highbury and turn left at the cows. Said bovines inhabited one spot from about 7am to 4pm every day and I was dropping by for a late dinner. I was very hungry by the time I arrived. So what does this mean to you? Forget about the cows and look for an actual landmark.

Pisces – Did you know that hamsters are all world class athletes? Yup; you think they just run around on those wheels because they’re stupid but guinea pigs and gerbils aren’t geniuses and they don’t run on wheels. So, how come you’ve never heard of a famous hamster marathoner? Performance anxiety – they over rehearse and lose all confidence. Don’t be a hamster.

Blogoscopes Week of September 10th to 17th 2007

2007-09-08T12:08:00.000-05:00

Aries - So you're making a movie; an action movie. It has a cast of several, and you're playing all of the roles. You will don a variety of costumes, wigs and even prosthetic noses - cross dressing will feature prominently and you will play the hero, the dame, the ingenue, the sidekick, the villain, the weapons expert and the computer geek. If you instantly think Eddie Murphy, wash your brain out with bubble bath. You're not just playing these roles, you're recreating them.

Taurus - Did you ever buy something, get it home and then discover that it wasn't at all what you thought it was? I'm not talking about black in one light and navy in another, I'm talking about shelling out big bucks for a new sofa and waking up to discover an accordion nestled in your bay window. Say you did, would you try to return the accordion? If your answer is yes, where would you take it back to? The sofa store? What would happen if you kept it?

Gemini - When we're little, we ask questions all the time about everything - the favourite usually being "Why"? It's cute when we're young but then our curiosity is forced into proscribed channels and even outright discouraged as we grow older; which is a shame, not only because it can make us complaisant, but because it stops us from learning about the things we love. What kinds of questions are you asking right now?

Cancer - Here's a crazy idea....step one - take out a bank loan; step two - get to the nearest casino; step three - gamble! Kidding! All the signs say you can't lose right now, but this probably isn't the type of risk you want to be taking. What you should consider doing is closing your eyes, taking a deep breath, and opening your heart. This is the nearest you'll get to an ironclad guarantee in life so take your best shot.

Leo - You have now successfully navigated your own personal Scylla and Caribdus. You may be battered, you may be bruised, but you survived, with most of your crew intact. By all means, tend to your wounds - they'll ache for a short while to come - but please don't forget to make some time, take a step back and really look at what you've become. Sometimes you can find beauty in the strangest places. Go ahead and admire your self.

Virgo - It's back to school time and you're going into your sophomore year. You won't have the humiliating initiation rituals to get through. You already know people and you could find your way around, blindfolded. This does not make you exempt from the critical scrutiny of your peers. It will soon be time for the fall talent show and you had better make sure that you've got your act together, as well as costume, makeup and props.

Libra - I probably shouldn't tell you this - it's a plot device in my novel - but I once worked in a restaurant with a long S-curved wall that created a weird sound trap for any conversations held in one specific area of the bar, fifteen feet away. It wasn't an echo; it sounded eerily as though the speakers were whispering in your ear. Every word was clear as a bell. I could never easily warn clients at the bar, but I can warn you - duck!

Scorpio - At least once a day I stop to consider the lemming. Guess what? They DON'T mindlessly commit annual mass suicide; which is a big weight off my mind. What actually happens is the natural depredation that follows a growth spurt - in any species. So, you're going off the cliff no matter what, but it's a short drop. It should administer a jolt sharp enough to wake you up without making your whole life flash before your eyes.

Sagittarius - I don't know if you've made out your will or not, but if you have or if you're considering it, here's a suggestion; don't leave your treasure map to anyone!!! For one thing, that's your treasure and never meant for anyone else's enjoyment; for another, letting someone know that they'll profit from your death is soooo not a good idea. You still need a map though, cause your goodies are buried deep and you know what your memory is like.

Capricorn - You find a lottery ticket on the floor of the cab on your way home from a party this week, and it turns out to be a winner. You want to wait a while before you turn in that ticket and claim your prize. You're afraid someone else will step forward with a story about a lost winning ticket, and more than a little concerned about who will come knocking for a loan. For now, just savour what it feels like to know that you're already really rich.

Aquarius - How cool would it be to be Barbie? You'd be a style icon, a valuable collectible, the subject of heated feminist debate - so, life as usual, but if you were Barbie you could be all that and have a giant corporation constantly working to make you even more appealing and to give you all the toys, trinkets and glam clothes you could ever want. Insert universe for corporation and here are the keys to your Barbie Dream House.

Pisces - Gulliver's Travels is a satire of incredible subtlety written by Jonathan Swift - which you don't really need to know to be aware that for part of his journey Gulliver was larger than everyone else and for another part he was smaller than everyone else - extremes of relative power. You know that feeling and you also know that it is equally difficult to be the biggest person or the smallest. This week, negotiate your middle way.

Blogoscopes Week of September 3rd to September 10th, 2007

2007-09-02T13:27:00.000-05:00

Aries - Imagine that you are stranded on an island all alone. You have food, shelter, fresh water; the climate is temperate, the sea is clear and serene and everywhere you look you see lush greenery, exotic flowers and strange birds and animals - animals that have never before seen a human and are not at all afraid of you. Which is a good thing because you're stuck here for a while and you can't always be talking to yourself. Who knows, maybe you can learn their language; or you can teach them yours. Communicate any way you want.

Taurus - You know how whenever a teacher asks if anyone has any more questions, seventy-five percent of students will hold their breath, avoid eye contact and pray that no one does. Well anyway at least 75% of the people I know would. The other 25% is comprised mainly of Taureans. In an ideal world everybody would be clamoring for knowledge and hanging around after class but in this one can we just agree that the extra curricular stuff is your job and you can catch us all up over a beer later on?

Gemini - Often if we go to bed with pressing issues on our mind, the answer to whatever predicament we face will come to us in the form of a dream. Sometimes, solutions appear to us fully formed; other times they provide clues to a puzzle that must be solved. With the right know-how we are capable of having a dialogue with our unconscious. You should write these things down immediately - they provide clues to the waking world. Although, this morning my dream diary said potato boat so I guess not everything has a deeper meaning.

Cancer - So you're travelling in a country where they don't speak your language and you don't understand theirs. Now, I know that it may be a little expensive to hire an interpreter, but don't you think you should at least consider a phrase book? Your idea of enrolling in immersion classes after your return is an interesting approach, but it's hardly going to help you get a cup of coffee now is it? Charades will go a long way toward facilitating communication, but maybe you should just stop asking for stuff, relax and see what the natives bring you.

Leo - Humans communicate in a variety of different ways - words, visual images, music, body language, and, louder than all others, actions. The things we do speak volumes about who we are, and, unlike words, our actions are less equivocal; less likely to be misinterpreted. So, don't trust the message of your heart to dodgey poetry, mucky paintings or interpretive dance. Now is the time for the magnificent gesture. Skywriting perhaps? Something that gets you on the Jumbo-tron? It's all about drama so let your creative juices flow.

Virgo - You know that old Abbott and Costello routine? Who's on first yada, yada, yada...? Stupidest thing I ever heard. The mis-communications that happen in real life are far subtler and twice as funny; some of it will even stay fresh and amusing over several repetitions. After a while, however, these personal malapropisms become stale and cliche; sometimes they even lose their meaning. Keep an eye on your audience this week. Are they still laughing or do they look confused and pitying? Maybe you should consider hiring a press secretary.

Libra - Yesterday I was sipping a glass of sauvignon blanc and when the server asked how it was I said 'gorgeous'. He thought that was a great word. It's just the latest in a long line of superlatives that I've adopted over time; like verbal ticks that describe my world. For a while everything will be gorgeous, and then fantastic, and then amazing, and then stunning and then brilliant, and then maybe back to gorgeous....and my point is, maybe you and I both need to find new words - words that still have meaning - to describe the good things in life.

Scorpio - Everyone hears a voice in their head; whether they admit it, or are even aware of it, the voice is there. It doesn't mean you're crazy, it does not mean you're sick, and you don't need treatment. Now if there are multiple voices, or if the voices start telling you to do stuff you might want to rethink treatment. Not pills, electro-shock or substance abuse, but you might want to consider therapy - not for you but for your voices. Listen to them, let them talk it out, but don't talk back. Remember no one else can hear them, people will think you're crazy.

Sagittarius - Is it possible to walk down the street while you're laughing really, really, hard? Imagine being hit with a fit of the giggles as you climb the stairs - how far would you make it? Roaring, howling, guffawing, hooting, snorting, pissing yourself, laughing your head off...all of these things I think would slow, if not stop any progress you might make in any one particular direction. And is that such a bad thing? Life has a funny old way of making us slow down and there are worse ways to do it then making you laugh.

Capricorn - You're in a Steeler's Wheel kind of place; stuck in the middle - of a stampeding herd of buffalo and a cliff. It's the proverbial disaster sandwich with you as filling. Now would maybe be a good time to take up hang gliding, or base jumping, or even pearl diving; doesn't really matter what it is or whether you're prepared for it or not; the buffalo aren't stopping, the cliff isn't moving and you are going to arrive at that brink sooner or later and the choice will have to be made in a heartbeat - don't be scared, just be ready.

Aquarius - Apparently, psychic crime investigators are a very hot item these days, if the number of TV shows dealing with the subject are any indication. I blame it on Uranus in Pisces. The concept of being able to see the future, to have access to special knowledge, to be able to see the 'truth' about things, about people, is a very seductive one. If I were you I wouldn't go changing my career just yet, even though you do have a very special vision and you'd make a fine detective. You just have not yet mastered your medium (teehee).

Pisces - One of the most ridiculous trends in reality TV has got to be the rash of diet shows; obese men and women struggling with their weight in full view of the North American viewing public. Oh sure, they pretend that they do it to be an encouraging role model for others but is that honestly it? Isn't the reality, that this is their way to get attention? to get famous? So do you want to be famous? I'm not saying you need to diet, I'm just saying it's that simple. Decide what the world would want to watch you doing, and do it.

Blogoscope Week of August 27th to September 3, 2007

2007-08-24T19:17:00.000-05:00

Aries - So while you were busy sewing a quilt for Bears Without Borders, planning a surprise party for someone you've known for one week, and donating organs, everyone else has definitely moved on. By the time you get to where the party is - oops, was - everyone else will have gone home. Pouting is not going to help anything so you might as well just run along, follow them home; maybe you could bake a cake for everybody, you know how much you like to do things for other peop....hey isn't that how you got here in the first place? Hey you can do me a favour! I don't have a recent picture of you to take with me on my travels. Why don't you e-mail me one?

Taurus - In my current neighbourhood, there are a lot of designer dogs. The streets teem with condo-sized mini-mutts that usually turn out to be a something-poo. This morning I met one from a breed that the owner assures me is a poodle/schnauzer/Airedale/spaniel cross, and it looks like a Koala bear in drag. Cute now, but in the years to come, as adorable morphs into a fat ex-ophthalmic, wheezing little bark-bag, somebody will discover that what seemed like a good idea at the time, is really an abomination against nature. Be warned! Know what would be a good idea? Send me a photo of you that I can take with me when I go nomad. Make it your personal favourite.

Gemini - Think World War One and you think trenches - you can't not think trenches, even though there must have been other things going on during that war; it was after all the War To End All Wars. For the first time ever, it seemed there was no safe place on Earth; the enemy was a faceless force. In this one thing, the scared and dying young men who huddled in those rat infested mud holes were better off. They couldn't afford not to believe in at least one safe place on Earth; and they could see the faces of those they were supposed to be fighting. You and I aren't fighting but it would still be great to see your face while I'm travelling - e-mail your smile and I promise never to lose it....again.

Cancer - We live in a world that is geared for the adrenalin junkie and sport can be a bloodbath. Do you believe there was a time when high diving was considered an extreme sport? I still don't understand why divers don't smash straight down to the bottom of the pool but I'm sure it must have something to do with physics. All the skill of the dive is above the water; you don't get marked on what happens below the surface. And right there is the reason why diving never became a hot spectator sport - it is soooo not a metaphor for life. I need new pictures of you...I haven't seen you in so long...have you changed?

Leo - Man I'm telling you the paparazzi drive me crazy. How am I supposed to live a normal life with camera flashes going off in my face and strangers shouting impertinent questions at me? The worst is when they try to follow me into a private place and get in the way of me just living my life. The pressure of always being ready for a photo op and a sound bite is really getting to me. I could definitely use your advice on this one. You live with this all the time and you make it look so good. How do you do it? Got any shots of you sneaking through the alley? Something the Enquirer hasn't seen yet? Pass 'em on so I can add them to my mobile gallery.

Virgo - Hey Virgo! It's your birthday - enough of that shit - a celebration is one thing a lot of pointless noise is another altogether. You might want to rethink that idea. I know you believe that you've been clear about things but gestures can be misinterpreted and words frequently only make things worse. I also know you feel exposed and vulnerable at the moment but try to think of this as your moment in the spotlight, your chance to let the rest of the world hear your message. Speak slowly, use small words, say only the things you honestly mean. Honestly, I want a picture of you, beautiful you, smiling at me. E-mail me?

Libra - What are your friends going to say when they get here and discover that you've prepared a beautiful meal and then eaten the whole thing? Will anyone mind that the only thing left is devil's food cake? Probably not; you may not know it but that dark, bitter sweet, chocolaty side of your personality is the one most people really love. Sadly its that part of your self which you seem most loathe to let out to play. You have a primo opportunity right now to get your nasty on and really enjoy it. Ease into it with some dirty jokes. And send me a racy picture for my hard drive (nudge nudge), I want your beautiful face to go with me.

Scorpio - The Ex is on! I was in a cab heading south on Dufferin last night and realized I could see the Ferris wheel on the horizon. Damn I hope that was a Ferris wheel and not an alien ship; anyway, I love Whack-A-Mole. You know how sometimes at a stag n' doe they'll have casino games? If I was having a stag n' doe I'd get a Whack-A-Mole. If you ever see one pick it up for me and I'll buy it off you. In the meantime, unless you wanna get whacked, you might want to think about keeping your head down. This does not mean that the picture of yourself that you're going to e-mail me should be upside down.

Sagittarius - Your first batch of home brew dark ale is ready and you decide to test it. It's good and you decide to reward yourself with another; you end up testing the entire case. If there's a lesson to be learned here (and there is) it's that while it very well may be necessary to stop once in a while and check yourself, it is not necessary to obsess about it. It's possible that your ass does look fat in those but this should not in any way affect your ability to live a full and complete life. Send me a picture and I'll tell you if your butt looks big in those. Or just e-mail me a photo of your smile.

Capricorn - Your party has nominated you as their favourite. They took a vote and decided that you are the candidate most likely to successfully forward their agenda. This means that it's time for you to start glad-handing and fund raising. Many politicos hate this part of the process, mainly due to its uncanny resemblance to prostitution but don't worry you won't have to do it for long. Your party's platform is pretty simple and if the coffers run to a case of beer and a couple of pizzas a week you will always be their front-runner. Got any party pictures you want to share with me? It would be nice to have something to remind me of the good times at home.

Aquarius - Jennifer Aniston and I have a lot in common; we're both Aquarians, we were both married to Brad Pit; we both....what do mean? I had a dream that I was married to Brad Pitt. Hey their relationship was a fractured fairy tale fueled by media lust. You tell me that was real.
Whatever, Jen and I are both completely over Brad and happily living single. Neither one of us needs a love interest. Which is not to say we wouldn't like to have love interest, but we're doing fine as we are thanks very much. Send me a picture with or without significant other, your choice.

Pisces - You're spinning in circles trying to find the source of the voice calling your name, snatching at the phantoms buzzing around your head, and walking around with your tongue stuck out trying to read the words you swear are written there; all this performed while trying to pull a sweater over your head and tie your shoes at the same time. I'm not saying you have to stay home this week, but you should try to be in a room full of soft things because you are competing with yourself to see which you will do first, choose to sit down or fall on your ass. I could never have too many pictures of you. Send me a new one and I'll tell you what that word is that's on the tip of your tongue.

Blogoscopes Week of August 20th to August 27th 2007

2007-08-15T18:56:00.000-05:00

Aries - You know, you've gotta give props to celebrities these days. About half the population of North America seems to be one, making a living just getting photographed. Seriously; with the right handling they can do some piece of shit, scary-action-costume-indie-teen-flick and parlay that into spending the rest of their lives having the media save them the postage by making all of their major life announcements - births, deaths, weddings, and rehab. What do you want to be famous for? You've got a little time, why don't you think about it? Be as creative as you'd like.

Taurus - What's your taste in music? I tend to like my music the way I like my chocolate - a little sweet with a smooth chewy quality, a bit of crunch and on the dark side. When it has all those qualities, music can give me that same happy, high, in love feeling that chocolate does. I have to confess that it wasn't always this way. In my younger days my taste in music and chocolate tended more toward the milky sweet and simple. Which was also how love felt back then. What were your favourite chocolate songs the first time you fell in love?

Gemini - Think of one thing in the whole world that consistently makes your heart leap, makes you catch your breath, draws your eye and forces you to stop what you were doing. It might not be a good thing; it might be a scary thing; it might not be a thing; but you need to think about it; play twenty questions with it; find out what it looks like and where it lives. Now, imagine, just for a second, that it's gone.....and.... it's back. Which end of that made you gasp? How did you life look without that thing? Scary or good?

Cancer - I have issues with elevators. I'm not afraid of them and in fact I've been stuck in them on numerous occasions without coming to any harm. However, and this might go back to my imaginary detective friends (see Libra) but I always expect elevator doors to open and reveal a dead body. Morning, noon and night, at home or at work, going up or heading down, I anticipate gore each and every time those doors begin to slide open. Well, I guess maybe I am afraid of elevators. Your turn....where do you anticipate murder and mayhem?

Leo - Do you ever feel as though life is just one great big greased pig contest? Contrary to a popular saying about pig wrestling, you may both get dirty but the pig does not enjoy it. So we're agreed then - entire chunks of life can often resemble floundering around a sty in an mainly futile attempt to capture a terrified animal - and neither one of you knows why. There are easier ways to get your hands on a bacon sandwich. Plus, bacon is bad for you so maybe you should think about turkey wrestling. Tofu wrestling is inevitable.

Virgo - Man, the world is full of stupid people. You know how you can tell? Most of them are working at jobs they hate because they can't think of anything better to do with their time. Whaddaya mean that's not why they do it? Oh, I get it, it's money they're worried about. The net result is the same - an ever increasing population of mentally lazy people who are unable to think - full stop. Well you know what that means? The time is ripe for you to take over the world. Someone needs to show all the others what has real value.

Libra - I have developed some really wonderful friendships with a series of fictional characters. Most of them are detectives from murder mysteries. I frequently imagine myself being interviewed by one of them as a witness or possible suspect in some interesting crime. I have mentally rehearsed ways of sounding innocent yet interesting; I now have a selection of alibis on hand that do the job admirably - "I was thinking about soup; my thumb was stuck; I need more purple; aliens" Feel free to use any of them if you want people to find you mysterious.

Scorpio - Ever read anything written by David Sedaris? In Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim he tries to come to terms with the knowledge that his is not the only high school in the world with cool kids. To this day, apparently, he still struggles to grasp this concept because, if it proves to be true, it means that he has built his life around trying to imitate and please people who really are not important. Hey, ever stop to think that maybe your cool kids aren't the only cool kids? That maybe they're not even cool?

Sagittarius - Are you a Cosmo girl? Just play along here and get into the spirit of the thing. Do you want to define an era, break the rules, set a new standard and still look pretty for your man? Do you want to be in charge, calling the shots, running the show and still get silly with the girls? Do you want to have it all and do you want to look good doing it? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you're a Cosmo girl. Don't worry, the dress code has been relaxed and these days you can make the grade without even combing your hair.

Capricorn - I'm overwhelmed by the number and variety of functions/services that are offered by my cell phone. I use three of them. I either don't know what the rest are or have no use for them. The iPhone has upped the ante on features I would never find a use for but it has also made me start to imagine a phone built to do the things I want it to do; like housework and teleportation; maybe it could contain a Taser . What do you want your gadgets/tools to do for you? Make a list and don't let reality get in get in your way.

Aquarius - Is it possible that the Bruce Nuclear plant is being run by Smurfs or did I just imagine that? Some days the line between the dream world and the so-called real world is really hard to see. The downside of that is possibly finding yourself at work in your pajamas; that and the potential for really boring dreams. The upside is finding yourself smiling just because; that and the potential to have a really dreamy life. Hey just because you're a little blue person doesn't mean you can't be a nuclear scientist.

Pisces - Do you enjoy jigsaw puzzles? Have you ever done one of those really big ones with like a kajillion pieces? Imagine working your way through something like that and then discovering that there's a piece missing. That would be really frustrating but you'd still know what the picture was and really what difference does it make. Now imagine that your kajillion pieces are from one of those 3-D puzzles, and the piece that's missing is a bottom corner - big difference. You can't really start let alone finish this one. Time to improvise.

Blogoscope Week of August 13th to 20th 2007

2007-08-11T14:09:00.000-05:00

Aries - On the corner near my old apartment is one of those decorative lollipop trees. It is the favourite hang out of a mob of tiny brown sparrows that gathers and gossips in its branches for hours on end every day. You can hear them natter and quarrel and sing to each other from several yards away until you're two steps off and then, as one being, they fall completely silent - then you step two feet beyond them they immediately start up again. Coincidence? Or are they talking about you? Suppose they are talking about you - what are they saying?

Taurus - Alan Cummings has made a career out of playing himself. Different costumes, same characters - this is an insight acquired during a viewing of Josie and The Pussycats last night. Course now I'm fretting about Richard E. Grant in Spiceworld and Crispin Glover in Charlie's Angels. I thought they added a degree of credibility to cinematic fluff, but what if they're not acting? What if they're just weird? Like bad weird? Then I remember Pussycat drummer Mel Valentine's mantra - "If You're Happy and You Know it Clap Your Hands."

Gemini - Wouldn't it be cool if instead of bungee jumping you could bungee catapult? It would be a huge rush to find yourself being propelled up into the darkening atmosphere; to watch the stars rushing toward you and feel the celestial breezes ruffling your hair. The bitch of it would be when you reached your zenith and the bungee began to pull you back to earth. Suppose there's a limited time offer that gives you an extra extra long cord - maybe if you could stay aloft long enough you could stop believing in gravity.

Cancer - You have two weeks to learn conversational Balinese. It's needed for a cultural mission you'll be asked to join and language is a must. A few key phrases will be fine, but it is essential that you be fluent to avoid any international incidents. How are you going to do it? Will you buy Balinese for Dummies and then spend all of your free time repeating instructions? Or will you fly to Bali, rent a villa on the beach and party with the locals? It's a sort of cultural mission and multi-tasking always impresses the boss.

Leo - Can you believe all the stuff they've added to cars these days? Do you understand what any of these things are? Can you please tell me, what is "European Steering?" I heard that on TV and I wonder what it means? Does it mean anything at all? Did Knight Rider have European Steering? What about Batman? James Bond? Or, more aptly for you, Roy Rogers? This week, words lead the way so to ensure meaning you must be certain that your hands are on the reins, your feet are in the stirrups, and your spurs are made by love.

Virgo - I think it's pretty obvious that this column isn't written by a Virgo. Consistency and attention to detail are sadly lacking. Fonts, colours and template changing irregularly; the side bar is an inane horror show. If it was a casserole you wouldn't eat it. Cease your fretting, the mess is digital and you won't get any of it on you. You could, however, find yourself touching something icky this week - sticky, squelchy, gloppy, maybe even smelly. I dare you to stick your arms into it right up to your elbows and wiggle your fingers.

Libra - Rip Van Winkle slept for 20 years in the eighteenth century. When he awoke, his wife and friends were dead and war had caused democracy to break out everywhere. How out of step would he be had he gone to sleep in 1987 and was only now waking up in 2007? The changes he found would be more numerous and probably more extreme, but a 1987 Mr. Van Winkle would also be more prepared for great change than the original rural lay-about. This is good news for you - when your hibernation ends you won't be too far behind on things.

Scorpio - Ever been in a professional recording studio? They're specially constructed to reduce the effect of sound bouncing off of surfaces. The walls eat sound. Every word spoken in this environment is completely on its own - no echo, no reverb, no hum. People react differently to this deadening; some whisper as though the space were sacred; others raise their voices in a futile attempt to fill the space with sound. It's an environment to just sit in, alone, without saying a word - experience true silence and the rest of your world will never sound the same.

Sagittarius - So there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but which end. A bow, an arch, has two of them, so which one would you go to, in order to find the pot of gold? Hard as it is to find one end, how in the world could you expect to make it to two of them in the heartbeat of time that a rainbow stays in sky? I have a theory that rainbows are actually rainrings - whole circles with no ends. Which means all you have to do is stay where you are, and sooner or later the pot of gold will come around to you. Heads up! It's sooner.

Capricorn - Off the top of your head, name the following: three team mates of Wayne Gretzky, Michael Jordan and David Beckham; the other two members of Destiny's Child and The Supremes; and the drummer for No Doubt. Fortune and posterity shine on those bold and beautiful individuals who can grab the spotlight and command centre stage; on those who aren't afraid to let it really be all about them. But it pays to remember that they don't achieve this level of fame without help...identify your team and start delegating.

Aquarius - I've always felt sorry for Dr. Frankenstein's monster; never more so than during the angry mob scene. The patchwork newborn's only crime is being different - unlike his creator who is guilty of practising godhood without a license. The mob is simply mindless. Maybe it really would be better for all if the monster were dead and the doctor in custody but recognizing different view points doesn't change the fact that gangs with sharp and/or flaming sticks can't fix things. Have you considered a strongly worded letter to the editor?

Pisces - I used to think that only elves, samurais and ancient mongols could actually hit a target with an arrow while shooting from horseback - apparently I was wrong. It's not for everyone and definitely doesn't look like it would be easy. How would the world change if this level of training and dedication was required for using any weapon? Granted, your weapon of choice is your mind and your goal is not to kill your target. I still think you should stop and dismount before you start taking shots at anything.

Blogoscopes Week of August 6th to August 13th, 2007

2007-08-04T16:30:00.000-05:00

Aries - I think I may have made a major medical discovery this week. I'm going to apply for a grant to research my theory. I don't need laboratories or test tubes or assistants, I just need the wherewithal to conduct interviews with my study subjects - wherever they may live. What's the break-through you ask? It's the reverse of Munchausen's by Proxy and its sufferers dedicate their lives to alleviating pain and easing afflictions - for every one but them selves. I call it Withholdin-Hausen by Proxy. Now, we're not talking about the Mother Teresas of the world here, this is an ego thing. I'll need you to sign a waiver before we begin.

Taurus - I had the pleasure of opening a new tub of honey this morning. I know that I should be buying glass jars of comb-in, local honey produced by bees that have been hand-fed on orchids, but some days there's just nothing as nice as being the one who gets to eat those little nipples of creamed honey that are stuck to the lid when you lift it. Honey is the only food in the world that never goes bad, which means long stretches between purchases. For weeks you're lifting the seal on a sweet mess of toast crumbs and jam residue and then - joy - the pristine surface of a new tub. Stop right here and savour this moment.

Gemini - Dream interpretation time - Night; you're in a rounded glass elevator rising up the exterior of a skyscraper. The ground is far below and you can see the sparkling lights of the city for miles around. In fact you can see to the other side of the ocean, to the mountains on the distant horizon, through the clouds that descend to surround your capsule. You begin to wonder several things at once like where are you going? How tall is this building? Is glass really fragile? Suddenly the elevator car breaks free of its cables and begins to plummet toward earth. You choose - you can fly, you can fall, or you can wake up screaming. I'd choose fly.

Cancer - You're not the type to fall for a bunch of crazy cult stuff, but you wouldn't say no to a spot of intrigue - a la James Bond. James may be On Her Majesty's Secret Service, but his identity is never a secret. Bond, James Bond introduces himself to every bad guy - and bad girl - on the planet. They know who he is, he knows who they are and what follows is like a dance/fight between the forces of good and evil. Nor is it a secret that, in the end, James will prevail - defeating the forces of evil and getting the girl. Do you see where I'm going with this? your mission this week is to discover your own definition of 'undercover'.

Leo - Party at your place! They've been gathering for days and the celebrations so far have included face-painting, stand up comedy, fireworks and a parade. You've been fed and gifted lavishly and you've been hoisted onto shoulders and serenaded loudly. Enjoy it while you can. I'm not saying that it's over tomorrow, but sooner or later all good things must come to an end. In a while, the guests will start to head home, the band will pack up and the leftovers will get put away. But first, there's one thing remaining for you to do. Yes that's right, this is the part of the festivities where you make a teary speech thanking everyone.

Virgo - When I was a kid it was the summer weekdays that I loved, forget Saturdays and Sundays. Monday through Friday I could be anywhere I wanted with my friends, between the end of lunch and whenever the streetlights came on. It amazes me to think of it now, but there was a lot of exploring you could get done, fun you could have and trouble you could stir up between the hours of 1 and 8 on a Wednesday afternoon in August. Now, of course, it's the weekends I live for and Wednesdays are just Wednesdays. Why don't you negotiate some new curfews for yourself this week? Inspire me.

Libra - I'm proposing a new symbol for Libra - instead of the scales, you should consider adopting the pendulum. It will feel like you're a circus performer, and now, instead of walking the tightrope, you're a trapeze artist. To begin with you'll have to adjust to stomach heaves instead of foot cramps, and to be sure, swooping through and beyond a mid-point is not exactly your idea of staying balanced, but....once you get the swing of things you'll discover the freedom to be found in a fulcrum. The freedom to reach to extremes and always come safely back to centre. Plus don't forget, you're still working with a net.

Scorpio - You are always on, always performing, even when you're standing in the wings. Your life is a never ending show-stopper designed to seduce everyone around you - and when I say seduce I am not talking about sex. You collect people, and your crowd-pleasing personality is the honey you use to lull them into a trance-like state and then lure them into your specimen jars (insert evil laugh here) Much of what you've learned about your self you learned by seeing how others respond to you - like every great performer this is how you refine your craft. It'll be interesting to see what you discover during a week with a mirror for an audience.

Sagittarius - What do you do if you suspect that someone has had their hand in your cookie jar? By cookie jar, I mean piggy bank; and by piggy bank, I mean wherever you stash your sparkly stuff. Well before you start shouting stop thief you might want to rethink your suspicions. Your cup is overflowing just a little, and you would honestly be hard pressed to say you're sure something is missing. Plus the way things have been going lately, it's just as likely that you misplaced it as that someone took it. If you want to worry about something, worry about this raging paranoia you seem to be developing.

Capricorn - We're all afraid of laughing at funerals so it must be a pretty common occurrence. Makes sense really; a highly emotional situation, in a surreal setting (hello, dead body in the room), and a diverse group of people who (ideally) share your feelings; at least they are there for the same reasons that you are. But hang on a minute, is it possible that you're at the wrong event? Perhaps this isn't an occasion of mourning, just an oddly low key celebration of something - a marriage, graduation, promotion, birth - even funerals can be a celebration if you do them right. In that case, go ahead - giggle, guffaw, snort - let's get this party started.

Aquarius - Seems like forever since I last saw it, but one of the things I used to love on a warm summer evening was watching flocks of hot air balloons silhouetted against a purple skyline. Silent and shimmering, like enormous bubbles wafting by. Have you ever been up in a hot air balloon? Wispy, wafty, shiny - at that height, suspended from a balloon, in a basket? Not so silent either - those burners can be ear-splitting. Yes, there's no doubt that piloting one of these glowing beauties over an urban landscape can be nerve-wracking, but honestly, would you pass up the chance? I guess we'll find out soon enough.

Pisces - How cool would it be if every day when you left the house, instead of taking the transit or driving your car, or walking, you could hop onto a roller coaster that would take you exactly where you wanted to go - in a round about roller coasterish sort of way. You would arrive at work wind blown and wide-eyed; walk into rooms flushed and sparkling. That sort of non-stop exhilaration can lead to a sort of uber-alertness. Intense synesthesia ensues (say that three times fast) and you finally get a chance to hear the sound of purple and experience the flavour of the number 3.

Blogoscopes Week of July 30th to August 6th, 2007

2007-07-28T15:45:00.000-05:00

Aries - Are you old enough to remember Pet Rocks? In 1975 they were a zany fad promoted as an ideal zero maintenance pet. Seen from this angle they were the thin edge of the wedge that introduced us to the emotional cowardice we now call irony, a pathology of perfection and programmable relationships. In fact we could probably draw a line from Pet Rocks through Tamagotchis to Blackberrys. True there are more buttons to push these days, but wouldn't you rather spend time with someone/thing that could push back? And has, like a pulse maybe?

Taurus - You can't say enough about the importance of a good wheel man in pulling off a successful heist - no use what so ever in white collar crime or the long con, but essential to your average bank robbery. Hollywood loves them because car chases can be very sexy. Do you remember anything about The Italian Job other than the Minis? While a speedy get away vehicle is no doubt important, if your aider and abettor is loyal and intelligent you could escape on a pogo stick. And you just might have to, so conspire carefully.

Gemini - In 1983 Pope John Paul II abolished the centuries old tradition known as the Devil's Advocate. The God's Advocate apparently survived the cut. These two used to argue both sides of any case for canonization and since the 80's there has been a 500% increase in 20th century saintings and a 1300% rise in beatification. Maybe there was a backlog, but I think it was a mistake that sounded the death knell of democracy and justice. After all if a saint can't stand up to the scrutiny then who can? Discuss.

Cancer - I'm almost afraid to tell you this but it is now possible for you to fulfill your dream of travelling in outer space. It's not quite astronaut status but it's closer than you ever truly hoped you might be, and the only science you have to know is cartoon physics - don't look down. You can bet your own butt that the sponsors have got their asses covered from one end of the galaxy to the other and so should you. Faith in your fantasy is one thing, being tricked into joining some sort of space cult is another all together. Can't wait to see who wins.

Leo - I'm not sure I see any real advantage to the end of the cold war do you? There must still be spying and stealing and skull-duggery being committed. The majority of the nefariousness is probably virtual or at least digital and dullullull. It is up to you to engineer the return of the classy spy. Model yourself on The Avengers - the quietly opulent lifestyle, the devil-may-care insouciance and the love of their work that was so strong it allowed them to be comfortable taking orders from a fat man named Mother. Passion is not just sexy, it's also subversive.

Virgo - It seems weird that "glad-handing" - which sounds as though it should be a lot of fun - has nothing but negative connotations attached to it. It would make a great euphemism for all kind of stuff if it weren't synonymous with the slimy and the self serving in all walks of life . What if you really could spread gladness with a touch? Would you do it? Where would you start? How would you go about doing it without looking creepy? Maybe you better just forget it, glad-handing is just doomed to eternal sleaziness.

Libra - Have you ever thought about what it would be like in a flotation room? They used to be called sensory deprivation tanks but the actual process is a lot more involved than either name would suggest. Apparently you have to train for it. Well duh! I'd hate to think what would happen if you just got into one of these things and shut the lid. Oh sure, who doesn't think it would be magic to shut out the world for a little while, but do you really think you're ready to shut it off? It's one way to find out if you have gotten over your trust issues.

Scorpio - Hollywood loves the over-the-top space spectacular. Who could seriously resist creating something that uses language like event horizon, future light, hyper/turbo everything or my personal favourite, escape velocity? Causal pasts, actual pasts, ditto futures...the modern descriptors of concepts so old and so powerful that to name them is to call them. I bet the first person to return from a black hole will be a Scorpio. Just in case, why don't you think about the words you might use to describe your own hyper-future-event-velocity.

Sagittarius - Inside each of us is something that believes it knows what we are capable of being. Consisting of equal parts id, ego, super-ego and soul, it is what is known in medical parlance as "The Mass of Contradictions". It causes each of us to believe strongly that we could do this, would do that, will fail at one and are frightened of the other, all the while earnestly praying that we will never be tested. Well sharpen your pencils for a pop quiz. Check all that apply. I still truly deeply madly believe that I.....

Capricorn - In your opinion which character has more fun, Gotham City's most eligible bachelor, Bruce Wayne, jillionnaire industrialist, man about town, bon-vivante and fashion icon or; Batman, the misunderstood hero with a mission, a passion for justice, a hot car and a butt that looks good in tights? For a moment let's forget bat signals vs business deals, bat mobiles vs limousines and social events vs social justice and concentrate on the clothes. What sort of a fashion statement would your alter ego make?

Aquarius - If there's a server out there who hasn't at one time been embarrassed to realize that you just set a menu in front of a blind person, then I'd like to hear from you. Yesterday as I walked along Queen West, headphones firmly in place, volume cranked, a beggar with a white cane held his hand out to me. Without even thinking I just shook my head 'No' and do you know what? He turned away. So what I'm trying to say is don't knock the programming, it can save your ass. Trust in yourself because in the weeds no one can hear you scream.

Pisces - I'm pondering the evolution of the tableau vivante; first there is an event, which is then re-enacted by live models so that it can be immortalized in a painting which is in turn re-enacted by live models in order to immortalize....painting or event? This weekend saw the unveiling of a 21st century tableau vivante, The Two Coreys . Assuming Lost Boys was the event, re-enacted in ensuing movies creating a meme (which is kind of like an oil painting) so that makes this current project....? Well at least it's not a reality show!