Blogoscopes Week of July 30th to August 6th, 2007

Aries - Are you old enough to remember Pet Rocks? In 1975 they were a zany fad promoted as an ideal zero maintenance pet. Seen from this angle they were the thin edge of the wedge that introduced us to the emotional cowardice we now call irony, a pathology of perfection and programmable relationships. In fact we could probably draw a line from Pet Rocks through Tamagotchis to Blackberrys. True there are more buttons to push these days, but wouldn't you rather spend time with someone/thing that could push back? And has, like a pulse maybe?

Taurus - You can't say enough about the importance of a good wheel man in pulling off a successful heist - no use what so ever in white collar crime or the long con, but essential to your average bank robbery. Hollywood loves them because car chases can be very sexy. Do you remember anything about The Italian Job other than the Minis? While a speedy get away vehicle is no doubt important, if your aider and abettor is loyal and intelligent you could escape on a pogo stick. And you just might have to, so conspire carefully.

Gemini - In 1983 Pope John Paul II abolished the centuries old tradition known as the Devil's Advocate. The God's Advocate apparently survived the cut. These two used to argue both sides of any case for canonization and since the 80's there has been a 500% increase in 20th century saintings and a 1300% rise in beatification. Maybe there was a backlog, but I think it was a mistake that sounded the death knell of democracy and justice. After all if a saint can't stand up to the scrutiny then who can? Discuss.

Cancer - I'm almost afraid to tell you this but it is now possible for you to fulfill your dream of travelling in outer space. It's not quite astronaut status but it's closer than you ever truly hoped you might be, and the only science you have to know is cartoon physics - don't look down. You can bet your own butt that the sponsors have got their asses covered from one end of the galaxy to the other and so should you. Faith in your fantasy is one thing, being tricked into joining some sort of space cult is another all together. Can't wait to see who wins.

Leo - I'm not sure I see any real advantage to the end of the cold war do you? There must still be spying and stealing and skull-duggery being committed. The majority of the nefariousness is probably virtual or at least digital and dullullull. It is up to you to engineer the return of the classy spy. Model yourself on The Avengers - the quietly opulent lifestyle, the devil-may-care insouciance and the love of their work that was so strong it allowed them to be comfortable taking orders from a fat man named Mother. Passion is not just sexy, it's also subversive.

Virgo - It seems weird that "glad-handing" - which sounds as though it should be a lot of fun - has nothing but negative connotations attached to it. It would make a great euphemism for all kind of stuff if it weren't synonymous with the slimy and the self serving in all walks of life . What if you really could spread gladness with a touch? Would you do it? Where would you start? How would you go about doing it without looking creepy? Maybe you better just forget it, glad-handing is just doomed to eternal sleaziness.

Libra - Have you ever thought about what it would be like in a flotation room? They used to be called sensory deprivation tanks but the actual process is a lot more involved than either name would suggest. Apparently you have to train for it. Well duh! I'd hate to think what would happen if you just got into one of these things and shut the lid. Oh sure, who doesn't think it would be magic to shut out the world for a little while, but do you really think you're ready to shut it off? It's one way to find out if you have gotten over your trust issues.

Scorpio - Hollywood loves the over-the-top space spectacular. Who could seriously resist creating something that uses language like event horizon, future light, hyper/turbo everything or my personal favourite, escape velocity? Causal pasts, actual pasts, ditto futures...the modern descriptors of concepts so old and so powerful that to name them is to call them. I bet the first person to return from a black hole will be a Scorpio. Just in case, why don't you think about the words you might use to describe your own hyper-future-event-velocity.

Sagittarius - Inside each of us is something that believes it knows what we are capable of being. Consisting of equal parts id, ego, super-ego and soul, it is what is known in medical parlance as "The Mass of Contradictions". It causes each of us to believe strongly that we could do this, would do that, will fail at one and are frightened of the other, all the while earnestly praying that we will never be tested. Well sharpen your pencils for a pop quiz. Check all that apply. I still truly deeply madly believe that I.....

Capricorn - In your opinion which character has more fun, Gotham City's most eligible bachelor, Bruce Wayne, jillionnaire industrialist, man about town, bon-vivante and fashion icon or; Batman, the misunderstood hero with a mission, a passion for justice, a hot car and a butt that looks good in tights? For a moment let's forget bat signals vs business deals, bat mobiles vs limousines and social events vs social justice and concentrate on the clothes. What sort of a fashion statement would your alter ego make?

Aquarius - If there's a server out there who hasn't at one time been embarrassed to realize that you just set a menu in front of a blind person, then I'd like to hear from you. Yesterday as I walked along Queen West, headphones firmly in place, volume cranked, a beggar with a white cane held his hand out to me. Without even thinking I just shook my head 'No' and do you know what? He turned away. So what I'm trying to say is don't knock the programming, it can save your ass. Trust in yourself because in the weeds no one can hear you scream.

Pisces - I'm pondering the evolution of the tableau vivante; first there is an event, which is then re-enacted by live models so that it can be immortalized in a painting which is in turn re-enacted by live models in order to immortalize....painting or event? This weekend saw the unveiling of a 21st century tableau vivante, The Two Coreys. Assuming Lost Boys was the event, re-enacted in ensuing movies creating a meme (which is kind of like an oil painting) so that makes this current project....? Well at least it's not a reality show!

Blogoscopes January 29th - February 5th

Aries - I have often likened Aries natives to puppy dogs - huge heart, boundless energy, endless loyalty and the ability to make everyone around them happy just by being so gosh darn cute. And as adorable as it is to watch you chase your own tail, I have to beg you to stop and realize that there are some things in this world that you are never going to catch, and even if you did, they would not make you happy.

Taurus - You've been building up to something for quite some time, and it looks as though zero hour is fast approaching. It might arrive sooner than you anticipated, or maybe later. Oh I know exactly when, I just don't know what your expectations are. It'll be a small window of opportunity though, so you better be paying close attention to every minute from here on in. Oh, and be sure about what it is you want so you'll know it when you see it. That'll save a lot of drama down the road.

Gemini - I bumped into a Gemini friend the other day and said 'Hi' and he said 'Well I can't imagine what Frank expected can you, I mean really if he....?' and I was instantly transported to the Gemini world of what (and who)the hell are we talking about? Try to remember this week that your inside voice is a dialogue, and not everyone can hear both halves of the conversation.

Cancer - Wouldn't it be nice if every time you walked into a room everybody in it stood up and applauded? If everywhere you went you were followed at a respectful distance by crowds of adoring fans and Paparazzi? How would you feel if all the people you were to meet for the rest of you life wanted nothing more from their own lives than to make you happy in any way they could? What more could you want? Seriously, what more do you want? Hmmmm?

Leo - There is a wicked vibe in your world over the next week. It's as though the song the sirens sang to Odysseus and his men was "Some Enchanted Evening". You're being lured, seduced, played....someone is not taking you seriously and you should be cautious and also, I gotta say, just a little offended. Be wary of fast talkers and don't be afraid to stalk off in high dudgeon.

Virgo - Okay so it doesn't feel like luck at the moment, but you just dodged a bullet. No way in hell are you going to believe me, but can we pretend for one minute that you do? Humour me. Each and every day for the next seven I want you to identify one thing - just one - that's good about the world you're actually in. You have amazing critical powers, use them to find the positive stuff.

Libra - Wow you have really been going through a lot lately haven't you? I mean to say what with the, uh, um well, there was that thing that...you know...well honestly just exactly what is wrong? It may feel like a shit storm but the reality is that what you're experiencing is static in your radio frequency, not a disturbance in the force. Wearing a tinfoil hat for a few days should improve your perspective.

Scorpio - Ever stop to think about how much action ye olde knights in shining armour used to get? They'd be pretty popular, with all those grateful villagers and fainting virgins lining up to say thanks. Of course the danger was that some of that ardour would have cooled considerably in the time it took to get out of the tin suit. You're a hero this week and if you want to benefit from that then be a little vulnerable. At least oil your cod piece.

Sagittarius - You are confronted with what appears to be a Gordian knot - intricately woven and seemingly without ends. You can't tell where it started, have no idea where it will finish, and just when you think you might have a handle on it, the whole mess morphs into something completely new. The Alexandrian solution is the only way out - one bold stroke to sever the snarl; otherwise known as cutting through the crap.

Capricorn - Now may not be the best time for you to ditch your cautious approach to life and take a walk on the wild side. That being said you're going to do it anyway so take some advice before you head out the door this week. When you're playing the ponies place a little bet each way. Not so much cutting the risk as doubling your fun. And don't go anywhere without cab fare and your toothbrush. You just never know.

Aquarius - If this is a dream - and it probably is - you don't want to wake up now. The world may be shaking you by the shoulder, but you can hit the metaphorical snooze button for a while. Paradoxically, you can best achieve this by telling yourself that you are only dreaming. Revel in the dreaminess of everything. Show up naked and late for a quiz you're not prepared to write. In the waking world this is a bad thing; in dreamland it's just good fun.

Pisces - Why do people always say one thing and then do another altogether different thing? It's not fair! They promised! Well don't worry, you'll show them. They'll be so sorry when they find out what you're going to do. Well actually my little spitfire, they won't. For the next few days, "they" are rubber and you are glue. Act accordingly.

Blogoscopes - January 22nd - 29th, 2007

Aries – You are in a big dark echoey place where your senses have failed and you can’t tell up from down. You are cold, and confused and alone and so scared you can’t even scream. The cavalry is on the way, and by week’s end they’ll be here with light and warmth and blankets and everything needed to make you feel safe. Until then, if you want to stay sane, I recommend fainting – now.

Taurus – At this point in time the rest of the world can go fly a kite and it would be no skin off your nose: except, of course, for those special few, who are starring in your puppet drama. You’ve built an adorable little stage for them with real curtains and everything. You envision comedy, drama, pathos, possibly a Golden Globe. The problem is that no one but you has read the script. I’ve seen act three, and you better hope that nobody else does.

Gemini – Your’s is the sign that rules siblings, but I personally think that should only be youngest siblings. You possess a creative spirit that could be crushed by oldest child expectations or middle child peculiarities. You were born to be pampered, even spoiled. For the next seven days, Gemini, let’s pretend this is exactly how you were raised. Relax, and just assume that everything is being looked after on your behalf. It is.

Cancer – This is the week that you need to start trying to leave the house again. You have now extended the traditional holiday period to the point where people are starting rumours about you. Like maybe you died and got eaten by cats. Or maybe you had a nose job and are just waiting for the bruises to fade. Whatever, if you can’t actually step outdoors, at least get on the phone to everybody and either confirm or deny.

Leo – I know you kind of always think of yourself as bright and shiny, and this week you really are. Unfortunately, it’s not in a warm golden and godlike way, more like a highly polished fun house mirror. People are going to see themselves reflected in you, and see themselves distorted in you. This is going to have some disturbing consequences all up and down the love/hate spectrum.

Virgo – “Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid” (Goethe). ‘Bold about what?’ I hear you ask. This is the week for you to paint in big strokes using bright colours. Walk boldly, talk boldly, love boldly, act boldly, ask boldly. If you run out of ideas then Google (boldly) and keep going until I tell you to stop. Remember – mighty forces…on their way.

Libra – There are a surprising number of Libra born people who have been responsible for making great changes for the good in our world. They are individuals who have ignored public opinion and overcome all obstacles to the betterment of mankind, and like Mohandas Gandhi and John Lennon, they made their points in peaceful ways. So there you go Libra, just sit down and refuse to move until you get what you want. Pout your way to victory.

Scorpio – You are an extremely discerning person. Used car dealers tremble at your approach – they’ll never put one over on you. Real estate agents don’t even try to hide the cracks in the foundation – they know you’ll spot it. You can tell if a tomato is ripe from twenty paces away. There is, however, one area of your life in which a ginormous blind spot causes you to make the same really horrible mistake over and over again. I’ve given you the heads up; it’s your job to figure out what it is.

Sagittarius – Loose lips sink ships. Keep this in mind for the next few days. Write it on your bathroom mirror; stick it on the fridge; post-it-note it to your computer. This is not to suggest that Sagittarians are gossips. On the contrary, you fear being talked about too much to create that kind of karma. But, everyone you know is painfully aware of your predilection for blurting ugly truths. Uncontrolled verbalizing this week could reveal secrets that aren’t yours.

Capricorn – The time has come for you to take what you know and make it public. Assuming you’ve overcome your messiah complex and that your fly is done up, you should be well received by the masses and your success is assured. On the other hand, you could be taking yourself way too seriously and going off half-cocked. In which case, you’ll become a lot like Adam Sandler. The deeper meaning of you best work will be ignored and you’ll get laughed at for all the wrong reasons.

Aquarius – You are always on the cusp of everything new that is happening and this week I predict that you are going to discover something totally groundbreaking and hot on the social scene. It hasn’t really been organized yet, in fact nobody else has even truly recognized it. Which means, that this is your chance to be the revered trendsetter you’ve dreamt of becoming. I’m not even going to hint at what this new scene is, but you and I both know – nudge nudge.

Pisces – It often happens that the first word anybody ever learns in any language – first or second – is a swear word. And as you are hopefully aware, different cultures are offended by very different words. As you go through the next couple of weeks you will learn to curse fluently in several different tongues, which you will then trip over as you insult people with the words of someone else’s language.

Blogoscopes January 8th to January 15th

Aries - You've got a couple of months of quiet time ahead of you. Try to honour the ancient cycle of nature by spending some quality time alone, meditating, gestating meaningful life goals and preparing for a personal rebirth. Or you could start getting drunk at lunch and get caught having sex with the mailman. Matter of personal taste I'd say.

Taurus - You, Taurus are locked into a trajectory like a gutter ball at Bowlerama. There honestly isn't anything more you can do at this point; you're going to succeed and no matter how hard you try, you can't fuck this one up. You are about to run head on into everything you've ever wanted. Don't wet yourself.

Gemini - You may have overspent a bit toward the end of last year, but honestly you had such a good time. Do you really wish you had done it differently? Stop worrying about the money. So what if you can't imagine where it's going to come from? That just means that it could come from anywhere! And that is a good thing.

Cancer - You appear to be having an extended vacation. Or maybe you're down with a bad bout of flu. Luckily, there' s no reason at all for you to leave home at the moment. In fact, you could safely remain in hibernation for a few more weeks. Telecommute to your own life.

Leo - You still have a lot of work to get done, but there's no need to be all nose to the grindstone about it. In fact, if you give your creativity a bit of free rein, you'll actually make some significant progress. Be totally left brain for a while. Hell, go all out and be silly. Whistle while you work. Might not make it more enjoyable for you but it'll bug the shit out of somebody else and that can be it's own reward.

Virgo - You may have a sudden change of heart this week. There doesn't appear to be any particular reason for this, and I don't think that you'll really know what prompted it. You feel as though you're not quite in your own skin and you're pretty quick to assign blame for that elsewhere. How about just spending a couple of days on your own before you make any hasty decisions?

Libra - Right now your life is like early season three of Buffy the Vampire Slayer. Faith and Buffy saving the world and looking hot doing it. Sadly, they let a man come between them. If you don't want to finish your week the way season three ended for our two heroines, then I recommend that you shelve all your unresolved father issues for just a little bit longer.

Scorpio - Well if it isn't little goody two shoes. May I ask the purpose of this insane charade? Just how long do you think you can keep the new love of your life from discovering who you really are? You're not doing anybody any favours, least of all yourself. You can and should be loved for the drooling horn dog that you are.

Sagittarius - You're like a leprechaun this week and your good fortune is infectious. There's plenty to go around but you might want to be mindful of this helpful advice: don't share your lotto numbers, don't give stock tips, and don't let anybody rub your head or stick their fingers in you ear or whatever other gross things people like to do to their lucky charms.

Capricorn - You are at the mid heaven of your fifteen minutes of fame - which means you 're seven and a half down and seven and a half to go. This might be a good time to go abroad. Once you bring your fame to another country it's like you've got another fifteen minutes. With air travel and time changes, you could create fame Doppler and be in the limelight for quite a while!

Aquarius - How often have you been told not to talk to strangers? Ignore that and start talking to everybody. Wherever you are and whatever you're doing, give them your two cents worth. Yes, most people will think you are weird. But you can make friends with the ones who don't and then you and your new pals can have fun hanging out and being superior.

Pisces - It's basket weaving week at the home. Lots of calm, repetitive activity that serves no purpose but makes you feel as though you've accomplished something. No shame in that Pisces, in the past, you've spent more energy deluding yourself about less harmless things. So weave away! Just don't make a religion out of it.

Blogoscope January 1, 2007 - January 7, 2007

Aries - You'll be asleep before midnight this New Year's Eve, and still spend the majority of January apologizing for things you don't remember doing. Eventually everyone will forgive you and in celebrating this fact, you will find yourself having come full circle, right back to the apologizing stage. Yup, it's going to be that kind of year.

Taurus - Much as it galls me to say it, it looks as though I was wrong and you were right; all that hard work you've been doing really has paid off and now you have exactly what you wanted. Days, weeks and months of keeping your nose to the grindstone have produced just the effect you've been aiming for. Everybody really has gone away and stopped bugging you.

Gemini - Boy if I was you I wouldn't go out on New Year's Eve. You'll definitely be the centre of attention, but not in a good way. It's like every living thing and the majority of inanimate objects are conspiring to push your buttons. It's just a conglomeration of really little, really annoying shit that really could do your head in. Stay home and journal or something.

Cancer - Seeing in the new (insert year here) at home with family and friends! This is different for you...oh no wait, that's what you do every year. I'll go so far as to say that the evening will end in drama and possibly tears but then that's pretty much an annual event too. You wouldn't have it any other way. Never worry my dear, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Leo - Sadly, most of the plans you have formulated for 2007 are in direct contravention of your community service sentence and could land you behind bars. The fact that you are innocent of all charges will not make any difference. Just be on your best behaviour, and nine months from now you can sue the ass off of everybody who's accusing you now.

Virgo - It's that magic season when "peace on earth goodwill toward men" reverts to being just another piece of sparkly crap to be packed away in a box until next November, when American TV starts running Christmas ads. Ahhh but not for you Virgo. The rest of the world may be returning to cynic mode, but you have an eggnog glow that will last all year.

Libra - You have a very significant challenge in front of you. The energies at work in you life, especially your home life, are pulling you in two drastically different directions. Trying to maintain your fabled balance will require heroic effort. Something along the lines of inventing an SUV that stops global warming. Give it your best shot.

Scorpio - Well here's an interesting turn of events. As a rule, when you say 'hello' the rest of the world hears 'I want to lick you'. But right now, the rest of the world could be dry humping your leg and you'd never notice. You've always liked to have things your own way, and for the moment, your way is the celibate way.

Sagittarius - You need to go for a very brisk walk. It doesn't really matter where you go just as long as you go. I would strongly recommend, however, that if you have any important commitments within the next few weeks, you should let someone know where you are at all times. Surrendering your passport would be a good idea. Keep in mind that when I say "important commitments" I mean things like donating a kidney, performing brain surgery, rescuing babies from burning buildings....otherwise I say just keep on walking.

Capricorn - Be aware this week, as you start to recover from the holidays and settle back into your usual routine, that you still have lipstick on your collar and toilet paper stuck to your shoe. Some Capricorns will find their skirts tucked into the back of their tights. You gained a lot of recognition and even respect in 2006; don't blow it by showing them your other side just yet.

Aquarius - You may think that you are invincible these days, but believe me when I tell you that it's just the drugs. You are not impervious to pain, you're just numb. If at any point this week you discover that there is any fighting going on around you stay out of it and for heaven's sake don't start anything. You are not a small dog, stop acting like one.

Pisces - You're very fertile right at the moment, so if you're not ready then I would suggest you use protection. This does not apply only to babies, but to any sort of creative endeavour you have in mind. The end result will be tremendous, but the process will be fraught. Go forward carefully.

Blogoscopes for December 19th - January 1st

Aries - Did you volunteer to cook the turkey this year? Because the bad news is that you're probably going to spend most of the holiday on your own in the kitchen. The good news is that this means you can stuff that bird any old way you want. The best news is that you look really good in stoic...and gravy.

Taurus - You have been so completely focused on working for so long now, that you are really looking forward to having a chance to celebrate the holiday season. Sadly, your social skills have atrophied to the point where I see you spending New Year's Eve alone in a bank vault.

Gemini - Gemini is the sign of hats and noise makers, so it doesn't take a psychic to predict some parties in your near future. But here's something that your friends won't tell you. There's opportunity under the mistletoe, and I'm talking more than a snog. Stay alert, stay upbeat and for Pete's sake try to stay at least half-way sober.

Cancer - I like the minimalist look you've got going on at home this year. There is absolutely no reason to get all holiday spirit-ish about things and decorate. In fact I would recommend that you ban any and all shades of red or green from your abode for the duration. You wouldn't want anything to look accidentally festive.

Leo - You have been appointed the Designated Driver of The Year. Try to see this as a reward not a judgement. It's just that without you, nobody will get anywhere. Think of yourself as a superhero and look for new ways to use your powers. For the sake of mankind, please promise you'll stay away from tights and capes.

Virgo - The romantic glow that surrounds you right now is on its way to becoming a leading cause of global warming. You've got one more lovely uncomplicated week ahead of you, and then the cold cruel world throws up in your shoe. It's not the end of your love, it's just a bit of a break so the temperature can drop, and the rest of us can maybe get some skiing in.

Libra - Okay I can't call you a diva two weeks in a row, even you might take offence. I will suggest that you appear to be living in a power ballad. Celine, Dolly, Whitney, Poison, Scorpions, Bon Jovi....oh sure you don't own the albums, but don't try to deny that this is one of your guilty pleasures. Just remember, a song is like a poem, and a poem is like a story, and stories aren't real.

Scorpio - You Scorpios are kind of like moles, inhabiting an underground world, hidden from the rest of us. Very few non-Scorpios even know that it exists, and fewer know its purpose. It's simple really - this network of hidden pathways allows you to disappear and reappear at unexpected times in unexpected places. Stop doing this! It freaks people out.

Sagittarius - Your watchword over the coming weeks is excess and I highly recommend that you start stockpiling remedies now. Remedies for what you ask? I have no idea, all I can tell you is that the world has a lot to offer you right now and you are poised to try all of it. Maybe you should just hire a private nurse and let a professional look after you.

Capricorn - You can relax. In all probability, Jesus was not a Capricorn. The immediate consequences of grasping this concept are twofold. 1) You can safely stop expecting quite so much from yourself, and 2) you can safely stop expecting everyone to worship you. So go ahead and get on with your life as a has-been.

Aquarius - At least until January, take great care when considering any career changes. Unless you are extremely cautious, your next job title could be crack whore. And believe me, at this juncture, you can't afford to be less than 100% sober, as the rocket ship you call a life reaches escape velocity. You don't want to be nauseous in zero gravity.

Pisces - Don't read the Aquarius horoscope! You too will be experiencing vertigo, but your coping skills are somewhat different. My advice to you, Pisces, is that you indulge in what ever substance(s) you need to, in order to avoid noticing what's going on around you. I'll let you know as soon as it's safe to sober up.

Blogoscope for December 11-18th 2006

Aries – Get ready Aries, this is the week you break away from the crowd and get noticed. Now I know that giving you a head’s up may compromise your natural innocent exuberance, but when the moment comes I don’t want you to be caught picking your nose or something. You’d never forgive me. So just do your best to act surprised and it will all go off beautifully!

Taurus - Hey you know that party that’s been going on across the street for the past two days? That’s actually a crime scene. It just looks like fun from where you’re sitting. I don’t care what you think you’re doing, stop doing it. Don’t rationalize, justify, excuse or deny it – just stop doing it!

Gemini – It’s okay you can come out now. You were only contagious for the first few days. Besides, haven’t most of your friends already had this? Yes I know you’ve had it before and got it again, but that’s just you. You’re special. Now, Typhoid Mary, get out there and mingle!

Cancer – Scientific studies have proven that navel gazing leads to navel picking and navel picking leads to leaks. Yep that’s right, it’s just like your mom told you; all of the air will come out of you. The only question is will you deflate with a slow hiss and subside unnoticed into a flat pile in the corner? Or will you rocket around through a series of spectacular ricochets and draw all eyes to your sensational demise?

Leo – Honestly are you that pissed off, or is it really the principle of the thing? Do you think that someone owes you an apology? Well then get it. Stop moping and take active steps to get whatever you feel it will take to make things even. Only you can know what it is you really want and the fact that no one else really gets it does not mean that you are wrong.

Virgo – The sign of the virgin. Do you know why they call you that? It’s because every time some dumb schmuck you feel sorry for fucks you over again it feels like the first time. If you’re really enjoying it, then please, don’t let me stop you. But if it’s starting to chafe a little maybe it’s time to make some changes n’est-ce pas? At least get a decent lube.

Libra – Ah, lovely Libra. Wandering around the house singing One Less Bell to Answer and dressing like Audrey Hepburn. Nobody does wistful quite like you do, but please leave it at home; unless, of course, you work somewhere that smiles on wearing elbow length gloves and that much eye makeup to the office. Hey are they hiring?

Scorpio – Everything is fine. You’re doing a terrific job. There won’t be any problems from here on in. Just keep walking, that’s right one foot in front of the other….ah no, don’t look down! Deep breath, deep breath, you’ll be fine. Stop trying to guess where you’re going and just go there!

Sagittarius - A lot of people are wondering what’s going on at your house this week. Are you throwing a party? Why not? Can I come? Seriously, you might as well have everybody over, because otherwise they’re just going to make shit up about you. Call it your client party and write it off.

Capricorn – Okay just because your family loves him/her/it, is no reason for you to propose. I’m sure that he/she/it, is the love of your life, and everything you could ever want in a life partner. And if for one moment he/she/it suspects that you might ask him/her/it….aw to hell with it you’d be better off to spend the holiday getting drunk alone.

Aquarius - I always find my own sign the most difficult to write without bias. But this week I think I’ve managed to attain that perfectly objective viewpoint and I am happy to tell you that you are going to have a lot of great sex and make scads of money right through the rest of this month. It is unclear to me whether or not the two are connected.

Pisces – Looks like you’ve got travel plans for the next week and I’m sad to say that it’s most likely a bus trip to a discount mall. Not excited? Well try to think of it this way; you can spend the day being superior to everyone else on the tour: You’ve shopped in better places, found better deals, eaten better mall food. By the time that tour coach drops you back at the Kiss ‘n Go you’ll have 60 new acolytes.