Blogoscopes Week of August 18 to August 25, 2008

Aries - I'm beginning to believe that at the heart of the internet is one never-ending porn site and it currently rules most of the Western world. True, its message gets progressively soft core, a little more family friendly on the fringes of its power. Your mission this week is to make the internet grow. If that means joining Facebook, so be it, the main thing is that you do all you can to save your fellow human beings from the evil porn. You're a super hero with a laptop.

Taurus - I Googled 'famous psychos' and ended up on a site about the Scream trilogy. If I were a true pop culture guru, I could tell you which characters survived all three blood baths. Those actors must have had a dilemma. Suppose you're a character who gets whacked in the original and the movie goes huge. Can you return from the dead? What if you sign on for the whole show and the opener tanks? You can ask for an option to renew, but failure to commit could lose you the gig.

Gemini - Since 1872(?)there has been a Speakers' Corner in Hyde Park, London, where impassioned orators did/do stand to harangue the passing crowd with their political views. The Hyde Park site is not the only spot where this happens, but is the best known. Oh sure, there's a modern variation of it in downtown Toronto at the corner of Queen and John, but that hardly counts. If you were face to face with your audience would you say the silly things they say on TV?

Cancer - I recently had an encounter with Spiderman. As a nice police man hastened to assure me, not the real Spiderman, an impostor dressed like Spiderman. I have often thought that the costume was a mistake for Peter Parker. If he had just crawled around fighting crime in his corduroy trousers, flannel shirts and sweater vests, he would have been much safer. Everybody notices the guy in blue tights, not the one in khaki Dockers. Plus, there's a lot to be learned from hanging back stage.

Leo - You have an extensive photo collection. There's you and your family and your first love and classmates and your second love; you winning something. They're not printed: not digital, just very firmly planted in your brain. Random images pop up like a psychic game of whack-a-mole. Except you're the mole. Stop the slide show. Don't let this evil Powerpoint Presentation ruin your life. Pick ten that tell the story of the life you wanted and burn the rest.

Virgo - Jehovah's Witness keep coming to your door. I can't decide what's worse; the fact that you can't make them go away or the fact that your life can be reduced to such a bigoted cliche. Lord love us darling have you forgotten that you are the master of your own destiny, the captain of your fate? Or something like that; if things keep happening maybe It's because you want them to. The next time the doorbell rings invite them in for a drink. They might need you to save them. Awake!

Libra - If you ask someone a single sincerely thoughtful question about themselves, you can have them talking for hours during which time you need not respond or even listen in order to appear to be keeping up your end of the "conversation". This week you'll catch the tail end of something that seems to suggest that you maybe should have tuned in a little earlier. This is one of those tricky things where very soon you'll be asked for an answer and you won't have one. Stay tuned.

Scorpio - In anyone else I would call what you appear to be doing deep introspection. Usually when you get this concentrated for this long, your goal is far from spiritual - in fact it's often extremely carnal. What looks like a meditative trance is you practising your mind control techniques and strengthening your immense magentic powers. Stop trying to hide your dreams of world domination. Some of us support those dreams and would like to help. Get a campaign manager.

Sagittarius - Have you ever visited a circus fun house and seen your self in a crazy hall of mirrors? Certainly they all exaggerate you but each is different. I want you to really reflect (teehee) on what you see in these disparate views. Do you hate what you see? Nice going, you just told you that you hate you. Practice this daily for a significantly miserable life. Why not find some part of you that has been improved by the change? Love just that one part. Work your way up from there.

Capricorn - I work with compliance officers. They're the coolest people on the planet with the best job ever. If I decided that I was prepared to grow up I'd want to be a compliance officer. If your current circle of acquaintance doesn't include one of this shining group, I recommend befriending one quickly. There's some fine print coming up in your world and there's nobody for picking apart that shit like a compliance officer. That leaves you free to go for drinkies.

Aquarius - I don't know if musical instruments have zodiac signs, but I always imagine that saxophones are Aquarians. Excluding the soprano sax. It's an Aries. Lisa Simpson has repeatedly shown us all just how eloquent and expressive of the human soul a saxophone can be. For a bonus, they are just so incredibly cool. And sexy. The sax player has a lot of inner dark. That's not such a bad thing. This week, embrace your inner Coltrane - leave Parker and Kenny who out of it.

Pisces - If you were ever going to take a week off and spend it with your loved ones in Bora Bora, this is that week. Money seems to be stalking you. You can't seem to stop attracting it and in some strange atavistic, mythic and masochistic way you feel the need to get rid of it as soon as it shows up. It's as if you're ashamed to be seen with money. Hey, go ahead and spend it at the speed of light that's not going to be a problem. Just spend it on something that has real value.