Blogoscope Week of June 25th to July 2nd 2007

Aries - Just when you were beginning to realize that you were in over your head, you began to feel the clammy claws of....The People of the Bog! They pull you down and down and inexorably down, all the while whispering fiercely incomprehensible crap in your ear. At this point, even if they did loosen their scaly grip on your reality, you're too unsure which way is up to even bother fighting for it. Imagine your relief this week when an extremely unlikely saviour accidentally rescues you from a fate worse than liver & onions.

Taurus - They say that if you throw a penny off the Empire State Building that by the time it reaches ground level it has reached lethal velocity. What do you suppose that penny feels? Aside from the nausea of the initial vertigo, is it concerned with who it may or may not kill at journey's end? Or maybe it spends the entire 1250 foot drop imagining the pain of impact. Wake up silly! Pennies don't have feelings and you're not falling, although your blood sugar may be. Have something to eat and you'll feel better.

Gemini - You've just discovered that in the multitude of photos taken of you in the past few weeks, there was something embarrassing about your appearance in each; spinach in your teeth, skirt tucked in to your panties, buttons missing on your shirt, fly undone, whatever it was you're looking at it now and thinking how did I miss that? Look closely over all the years, and all the other photos, and I think you'll discover that this one little foible has actually become your trademark. The real question is how do you feel about that?

Cancer - I know I've told this story before but it's still relevant. I once watched a group of actors backstage, moments prior to an opening in the Workman Theatre space, located in the Centre for Addiction and Mental Health, on Queen West. They yodeled, muttered, screamed, ran, jumped and flapped their arms like wings, all in preparation for the show. The residents in the lobby were doing the same things but their performances are judged as aberrant behaviour. This week you may be an actor but you're looking like a resident.

Leo - Napoleon Bonaparte was one of the most brilliant military minds ever to lead an army. Now I don't spend a lot of time studying war craft and battles, but I do know that his campaign in Russia is generally considered to have been a disastrous exception to the rule and one that was completely avoidable. Why did he fail? Ignoring advisers and abandoning his armies to starvation and hypothermia are only part of it. The battle was not his alone and he forgot that. You shouldn't make the same mistake.

Virgo - Treasure hunting is such a tricky business. Suppose you have an accurate map showing exactly where the treasure lies. Suppose also that you possess all the tools needed to recover your treasure. Now, the tough part is being realistic about the process of recovering the booty. Forget Indiana Jones and Sydney Fox, the kind of stuff you're seeking is not on pristine display behind an ancient booby trap, it's more than likely in pieces beneath layers of dirt. Be prepared for some extended and painstaking digging.

Libra - I have things I can do for myself whenever my energies need recharging. Some of these are bubble baths, afternoon naps, and curling up with a good book. If I get a chance to do one I feel spoiled, all three is a trifecta of luxury. Yes I'm easy to please. You're even easier - you'd be happy watching paint dry in the right company. You may have to watch it dry on your own this week but you'll love the colour.

Scorpio - Excuse me while I kiss this guy, I am a rock, I am a nylon, I wanna be a dork, I see a rickshaw and I wanted painted black, I've reconsidered my Buddhist notions. They're all misheard song lyrics and you could probably produce a few more from this Krazy Karaoke bar that has become your life. Which is why you currently find yourself working in a coma, going down down town rather than in a coal mine. Check out other areas of you life and see if you can work backward to what the actual lyric is meant to be.

Sagittarius - You're driving along in your Rolls Royce convertible, over-sized Chanel shades, silk scarf fluttering over Armani clad shoulder, holding hands with your incredibly hot lover while singing along to the best music that the general public won't hear for another month. Suddenly, two large eagles swoop out of the blue, and, talons gently gripping your shoulders and lift you to their realm. Wow, things look really different from this high up don't they? And it's really, really quiet.

Capricorn - Spelunking is not for the faint of heart. The damp, the dark, the bats, the closed in spaces, not to mention the knowledge of being under the earth. it's considered an extreme sport and although not as flashy as it's opposite - rock climbing - it attracts a similar kind of adrenaline junkie, and requires a similar assortment of supplies and equipment. Is it worth it? do the rewards match the effort? As a caver, you are privileged to see a unique kind of beauty that only a very few can even imagine and fewer still will ever see.

Aquarius - You've got lots of friends to play with, because otherwise you'd have to invent solo dodge ball. It would probably involve a structure something like a squash court. The trickiest part would be getting the ball right - it would have to be bouncy, and big enough to be a challenge, and get some good rebounds going. Good thing that you grasp the value of opposites and oppositions, because the above mentioned friends are definitely throwing the ball.

Pisces - The Law of Unintended Consequences says that each human action has at least one unforeseen effect. Murphy's Law says that anything that can go wrong will go wrong. Okay so they're not actually legislated, but you still might want to consider becoming an outlaw for a while. Try as you might, there's no way for you to see the outcome of any intention good or bad that you may have in the coming days. Get the people you deal with to sign release forms.

Blogoscope Week of June 18th to June 25 2007

Aries - Guess what I had for lunch today? Oh forget it you'll never guess. I took two pieces of sesame flat bread, covered one with hummus, the other with red pepper spread and then slapped them on either side of two slices of crispy hickory smoked bacon. Healthy? Not likely. Low fat? Not a chance. Yummy? Oh you bet. Mamma Gump was wrong. Life is like a sandwich - make sure you choose your own fillings. Wow now I'm thinking that some avocado would have been good too.

Taurus - Have a look at this before you read any further. What do you suppose he's thinking about? What will I have for lunch? Does he/she really like me? Does my butt look big in these? How do I get down from here? Why didn't I stay in bed? I bet he's not thinking any of those things. He's probably not thinking at all. His life depends on doing his work as though nothing else in world matters. And really, nothing else does.

Gemini - You appear to have wandered in to a fun house lined with what look like distorting mirrors. Spend enough time there and the reflected, warped version of your life starts to look like the reality. Of course reality is subjective. Maybe you are warped. The important thing is that you not be afraid to explore this twisted world. Act as if you belong and you'll find out all you need to know about it and about your self.

Cancer - Aoccdrnig to rscheearch at Cmabrigde Uinervtisy, it deosn’t mttaer in waht oredr the ltteers in a wrod are, the olny iprmoetnt tihng is taht the frist and lsat ltteer be at the rghit pclae. See? The human mind is an amazing thing and even when the world appears to be telling you something incomprehensible, you can still safely navigate your way through it. Satrt wtih the amsustpoin taht yuor snsees are croecrt.

Leo - Leo is sniffing yesterday's sock and enjoying it. Doesn't sound like you. I guess Dionne Warwick can't always be right. Although I gotta say there's a couple of scenarios I could buy. One is that you are a cynical and depressed being, too worn out to care and sadly convincing your self that nobody loves you. Two is that you've been too busy having fun to do laundry and now you're invited to a spontaneous surprise party celebrating the wonderfulness of you.

Virgo - Have you ever watched that television show about how things are made? Often things are made via a process that involves a variety of machines and I've always thought I'd like to see a show about how they designed and made these machines that make the things. You might want to put some thought in to designing the machines that you'll need to make the things that you want. That is if you want things made right.

Libra - I say loophole and your thoughts might go to a dodgy means of getting out of a tricky situation; a get out of jail free card that sidesteps messy consequences. In its original meaning, a loophole was an aperture in a castle wall that allowed defenders to fire on attackers while they remained unscathed. Either is a cunning way to get what you want with no backlash and this week you are Machiavellian in your use of both.

Scorpio - Paying the piper is a concept usually attributed to the story of "The Pied Piper of Hamelin", but I think that it's more likely that this fairy tale was a literary illustration of an ancient idea - all good things come with a cost. Fortunately, that price tag does not always have a dollar sign on it. Know the value of the boon you've been given; it should help you work out some sort of barter to cover costs. It'll just feel free.

Sagittarius - "It's no good running a pig farm badly for 30 years while saying, 'Really, I was meant to be a ballet dancer.' By then, pigs will be your style." I've always loved this quote by Quentin Crisp. If you're going to let yourself become a pig farmer rather than a dancer, you should at least try to be a good one. This week you'll discover that there's no point in pretending you're not here - people can see you.

Capricorn - I figured Darrin Stevens for a Capricorn; always concerned with what the neighbours would think, suspicious of the mystical, and willing to put up with the magical shenanigans in order to remain married to a beautiful woman who kept an immaculate home, and, incidentally, saved his ass on numerous occasions. You are not married to Samantha, but you may have to tolerate something equally unnerving in your home life this week.

Aquarius - There's not enough time for you to actually learn how to be a Ninja so I'm going to suggest that you start throwing together a disguise and an exit strategy. A favour you did in the past is about to come back in order to bite you in the ass. All you need is a split second heads up to avoid disaster so stay alert! Just kidding - you're going to have to get a serious grip on The Force to dodge this one. (With apologies for the Star Wars Reference)

Pisces - Whenever I spend time on-line I envision thousands of little pieces of virtual garbage floating off into the atmosphere. There's so much of it in the air it's a wonder any of us can see, breathe, hear or speak. It's not just computers, cell phones and MP3 players. It's the cars we drive and the buildings we live in. You need to escape the buzz for a while. There is important information coming your way and you don't want to miss it due to static.

Blogoscope Week of June 11 to June 18th 2007

Aries - You've never been able to forget how embarrassed you were the first time you got caught doing something you weren't supposed to do. Maybe you stole a chocolate bar, had a boy in your room, or were smoking in the school washroom; whatever it was, it made you see the world in a whole new way. You have never been a fence sitter, and in a heartbeat you came down firmly on one side. You were either firmly-in-favour-of or strongly-opposed-to, the getting noticed thing. Still happy with that decision? This week, your own personal way-back machine takes you to a place where you can test the "grass is always greener" theory and check out the other side of that choice.

Taurus - Ahhhh....yummy math; the basis of all that is good and beautiful, the foundation of creation. There are those who scoff and insist that the answer to life's most important questions is not to be found in a formula. These doubters would insist that there is no heart in numbers, no music, no romance, no love. Well they'd be wrong. Sadly, it's doubtful that any of them are going to realize their mistake within the next few days, and you currently don't seem able to communicate without a calculator. Which, if you'll excuse me pointing out, would appear to support the heresy. Ever considered an abacus? Lo-tech, bright colours - could be a winner.

Gemini - When I'm travelling in Europe one of the things I want to make a point of seeing wherever I go, is fireworks displays. I don't care what they might celebrate, or who sponsors them, I just want to watch pretty things that sparkle in the sky and listen to things go boom, boom boom boomboomboom boom boomboom. I once saw the English team compete with rockets that rose and fell and then rose again! It was the coolest thing I'd ever seen. Keep that in mind as this week progresses. Your meteoric rise is about to reach a zenith and you'll discover that what comes down, must go up. I'm the one on the ground ooohing and aaahing.

Cancer - Five, four , three, two, one....blast off! You are moments away from clearing the Earth's atmosphere and the only question you need to ask yourself is, do you want to slip obediently into orbit, or do you want to just keep right on going? Aside from the terrifying fact that nobody really knows what's out there, this is not the Enterprise your piloting so maybe you should be playing it safe. But then again, where did a fixed orbit ever get anybody? Nowhere or anywhere, which will it be? Keep in mind, you'll be out of radio contact with the everybody else in the whole world for about the next 3 weeks, and from what I hear, it's lonely out in space.

Leo - You're starting to feel as though your condition has been upgraded from critical to stable and it's beginning to look as if you're going to pull through. The transition back to blooming health will not be without a few hiccups but as recoveries go this one will be pretty smooth. In fact it'll be just like having a dream where you were like the plucky little engine that could and your struggles result in fame, wealth, and the keys to the city and then you wake up to discover that it's all true and your friends are busy throwing you the biggest congratulations party ever! Don't let on I said anything; it's a surprise.

Virgo - Here's the scene: Glorious sunny day - you, strolling down the street, happy as a clam and groovin' on the day when suddenly who should you spy walking toward you but the last person on Earth you want to see. Don't start thinking you know who it's going to be because you probably don't have a clue. Caught off guard and seized by a sudden almost overwhelming panic, your feral instincts take over and you scan your environs desperately seeking a way out, a place to hide. Quick! Dive, dive, dive, it's a once in a lifetime opportunity, the ground will open at your feet and if you want, it can swallow you whole.

Libra - Ever watched Airline? Crazy people with unreal expectations, an over-inflated sense of their own importance and only the sketchiest understanding of geography. Easy to see from the couch; not so easy to spot when you're in the middle of it. You've got some serious expectations about a looming event horizon and the surest way for you to avoid the craziness is to watch it from the couch before you enter the fray. Perspective is everything and if you've got it going in, it's easier to hang onto. Conversely you could practice foaming at the mouth, it's sure to get you in front of the cameras.

Scorpio - I know I've mentioned in previous columns that you sometimes have a problem making yourself understood. It's not your fault. You know what you want and you are clearly asking for it - I mean asking for it clearly. Apparently though, you live in a world of the perpetually confused which creates scenes of hysterical laughter in situation comedies, but is not so funny in a real world application. Okay, so sometimes it can make for some great stories later on but sometimes it's just plain embarrassing. There's lots of comedy material coming your way this week, so take notes.

Sagittarius - We've all heard it said that it's hard to get good help, and it's harder still when you don't even ask for help. Well maybe, just maybe, you don't need to ask for help. If you just sit still, don't say a word and look pretty I think you'll find that help will come and ask for you. Are you hungry? thirsty? Would you like a foot massage? A Hamburger? Tell you what, here's your blankie, you just curl up here and have a little bit of a nap, sweet dreams and when you wake up everything will be just the way you've always wanted it. Hey stop fussing, you've already got good help - don't fire them.

Capricorn - Obssessed is really such an ugly word. Absorbed, is a much better. Interested, enthusiastic and committed will do nicely. You're experiencing an abnormal lapse in self-consciousness. You're so excited about what it is that you're doing, you've forgotten to worry about how it looks to those around you. Just for the record, yes your friends do think you've lost you mind. This is a serious case of right shoe/left foot and you've got a lot of tolerance equity built up. Abandon yourself to your, um, hobby, and trust that soon you will regain your sanity, everyone else will lose theirs and all will be right with the world.

Aquarius - You always like to be ahead of the pack and these days you're so far ahead that it looks as though you're miles behind. Know what I mean? Okay, sure, it's a little confusing, but try to look as though you know what's going on. Better still, try to look as though you meant to do exactly what it is that you did. Whatever that was. Maybe your mother was right all along. Maybe sometimes you are just too smart for your own good. No, probably not, although it is entirely possible that the butt you're sneaking up on is your own. Slow down, this is not a race , because if it was you'd be about to lap yourself.

Pisces - It's like you went to sleep in your own bed last night and woke up riding TopGun at Wonderland. The world is turned on its head and you're literally flying by the seat of your pants in a zero gravity situation at warp speed. A barf bag won't help you here (see above re: zero gravity) so you need a really quick way to control the spins. You could always go back to sleep and hope you wake up somewhere better next time. Or, you could focus on the horizon until the dizziness passes and then take the time to look around and see if maybe this upside down thing isn't pretty cool after all. Who knows, it may turn out to be just your style.

Blogoscope Week of June 4th to June 11th 2007

Aries – You are a well respected astronomer with a sterling reputation. You’ve logged hundreds of hours in search of a particular celestial object which you locate by accident when a klutzy co-worker accidentally knocks your telescope a hair out of kilter. Does the sheer randomness of it all lessen the joy you feel in your discovery? What makes you think it was random? Would your co-worker have known what he was looking at? Is it a bad thing to be lucky? Pay attention over the next few days and when you hear someone shouting “look, what’s that?” I suggest that you look. You may be the only person with the correct answer.

Taurus – We’ve all heard some version of the expression ‘when life gives you lemons, make lemonade’. My favourite is ‘when life hands you lemons, do tequila shots’. But what do you do when life hands you tequila shots and there’s not a lemon in sight? Ha? Ever think of that one? All right so we’ve established that a little lemon is a good thing, let’s move on. What do you do when you’ve won the tequila lottery? You could drink it sans fruit – but only if that’s how you really like it. What about chasing your shot with lime? Or a hand full of raspberries? Or peach slices? Why not more tequila? How about the worm? Do you see where I’m going with this?

Gemini – Correct me if I’m wrong, but in the Disney animated movie version of Peter Pan, there’s a little ditty that the Darling children sing as they soar after their new pal PP, and as far as I can remember it goes something like this ‘We can fly, we can fly, we can fly, we can fly, we can fly’. You should be singing these words in any melody you can hum from any genre you desire as you navigate the celestial centre stage. Keep in mind the distance you will be creating between yourself and your loved ones on the ground. I’m not saying don’t fly, I’m just saying sing loudly and clearly.

Cancer - – You are scandalous! Swapping recipes during the knitting circle with the Ladies Auxiliary, all the while plotting with your sweetheart to abscond with the collection plate for a road trip to Vegas with your peeps. Astrologically speaking, I’d say you have a better than average chance of hitting the trifecta. You can cover your expenses, replace your seed money in the church safe and salt away a tidy little nest egg before the flowers in the vestry need changing. Carpe diem RFN, because once Mercury goes retrograde on the 15th you’ve no chance at all.

Leo – Unless you’re auditioning for the part of aquarium decoration I’d suggest that you revisit your wardrobe choices. No one goes deep sea diving in the bubble-headed, lead booted, leather jumpsuit anymore. All that this antique monstrosity will allow you to do is go straight up and straight down. When you’re tied to the surface by a rope and an oxygen tube, your mobility is severely limited. But, before you start removing those diving weights, ask yourself, ‘what do I really know about the bends?’ because you can bet you’re going to be coming up a whole lot faster than you went down.

Virgo - As an artist I would say that it is always good to see what multiple artists make of single subject, like say a cat and a blue fence (I wrote those words before I found the image). Five artists would create five completely different works – possibly in five different media. Somebody, I think it was Picasso, once said something like, all artists borrow, the great ones steal – grab subjects, rip off styles, the whole enchilada. So are great artists copycats or individuals? A little of both I’d guess. After all no matter where you get your inspiration from, it’s still up to you and you alone to turn it into art.

Libra – Thanks to Heather, we can now say welcome back to the land of the living Libra. It was a close run thing there for a while. You couldn’t decide whether you were going to let you inner naughty come out to play or whether you would rather just stay home and bake pies; and let’s face it, you didn’t really get around to making the choice, you just suddenly found that the window of opportunity has slammed on your funny bone and you’re up to your eyeballs in dough. Don’t worry too much about it, there will be other opportunities for laughs and in the meantime you have a new choice to make – what are you going to use for filling?

Scorpio - Your life seems to be suddenly chock-a-block with foreign exchange students. See if you can't sublet a room in your house to a few of them and then levy a cover charge on the keggers they host every Friday night. Throw in a few hookers and you can up the rent. It's a nice little goer that will pay your overhead and then some while granting you exposure to interesting alien cultures. You could quit working for a living. Actually you should quit working have you seen the bags under your eyes?

Sagittarius - Antediluvian, antipodean, antithesis, antimacassar, antidote; everything seems like such a headache right now. Too much of one thing, not enough of another. Before things and opposite things; and it's all happening in the middle of the longest attack of deja vu in recorded human history. Which in some sense could be called anti vu. Personally I'm against it. If you think you know where this is going you have to decide to either take control and change course, or keep schtum and enjoy the ride.

Capricorn - Have you considered investing in a home cappuccino machine? You could create and consume frothy java goodness in the coziness of your own kitchen. Just imagine how good your morning brew could be when you can make it just the way you like - half caf half decaf extra dry soy latte with a pinch of nutmeg; no foam skim mocha; and hot chocolate! Now don't worry if this sounds like heaven on earth. There's more to life than coffee and over the next week or so you'll have plenty of time to discover new areas of your life that disappoint you. Try to steer clear of the same old sore spots and be creative.

Aquarius - If you're considering dating someone who has just ended a relationship, here's the formula for the amount of time you have to wait before you ask them out: one month for every year that they were together - happy or not - plus two weeks for every three months over five and under ten years. You can chose to believe me or not; you can find this information relevant or not. My point is that every day we're asked to follow equally pointless rules and conventions. Sure you need to follow some of them but it's important that you put as much energy into enacting your own legislation.

Pisces - Flip flops just might be the best form of foot wear ever invented. They're generally so cheap that you can afford to have dozens of pairs in every colour imaginable and there is a wide range of styles available as well. You could have your basic black or brown for every day and then jazz things up a bit with a red pair for when you're feeling sassy. What about sequins or rhinestones? These may be over the top expenses for actual shoes, but when it comes to flip flops anything goes. Aesthetics aside, the only activity I don't recommend you try in flip flops is running. So think of them as your slow down shoes, and slow down.