Blogoscope January 1, 2007 - January 7, 2007

Aries - You'll be asleep before midnight this New Year's Eve, and still spend the majority of January apologizing for things you don't remember doing. Eventually everyone will forgive you and in celebrating this fact, you will find yourself having come full circle, right back to the apologizing stage. Yup, it's going to be that kind of year.

Taurus - Much as it galls me to say it, it looks as though I was wrong and you were right; all that hard work you've been doing really has paid off and now you have exactly what you wanted. Days, weeks and months of keeping your nose to the grindstone have produced just the effect you've been aiming for. Everybody really has gone away and stopped bugging you.

Gemini - Boy if I was you I wouldn't go out on New Year's Eve. You'll definitely be the centre of attention, but not in a good way. It's like every living thing and the majority of inanimate objects are conspiring to push your buttons. It's just a conglomeration of really little, really annoying shit that really could do your head in. Stay home and journal or something.

Cancer - Seeing in the new (insert year here) at home with family and friends! This is different for you...oh no wait, that's what you do every year. I'll go so far as to say that the evening will end in drama and possibly tears but then that's pretty much an annual event too. You wouldn't have it any other way. Never worry my dear, if it ain't broke, don't fix it.

Leo - Sadly, most of the plans you have formulated for 2007 are in direct contravention of your community service sentence and could land you behind bars. The fact that you are innocent of all charges will not make any difference. Just be on your best behaviour, and nine months from now you can sue the ass off of everybody who's accusing you now.

Virgo - It's that magic season when "peace on earth goodwill toward men" reverts to being just another piece of sparkly crap to be packed away in a box until next November, when American TV starts running Christmas ads. Ahhh but not for you Virgo. The rest of the world may be returning to cynic mode, but you have an eggnog glow that will last all year.

Libra - You have a very significant challenge in front of you. The energies at work in you life, especially your home life, are pulling you in two drastically different directions. Trying to maintain your fabled balance will require heroic effort. Something along the lines of inventing an SUV that stops global warming. Give it your best shot.

Scorpio - Well here's an interesting turn of events. As a rule, when you say 'hello' the rest of the world hears 'I want to lick you'. But right now, the rest of the world could be dry humping your leg and you'd never notice. You've always liked to have things your own way, and for the moment, your way is the celibate way.

Sagittarius - You need to go for a very brisk walk. It doesn't really matter where you go just as long as you go. I would strongly recommend, however, that if you have any important commitments within the next few weeks, you should let someone know where you are at all times. Surrendering your passport would be a good idea. Keep in mind that when I say "important commitments" I mean things like donating a kidney, performing brain surgery, rescuing babies from burning buildings....otherwise I say just keep on walking.

Capricorn - Be aware this week, as you start to recover from the holidays and settle back into your usual routine, that you still have lipstick on your collar and toilet paper stuck to your shoe. Some Capricorns will find their skirts tucked into the back of their tights. You gained a lot of recognition and even respect in 2006; don't blow it by showing them your other side just yet.

Aquarius - You may think that you are invincible these days, but believe me when I tell you that it's just the drugs. You are not impervious to pain, you're just numb. If at any point this week you discover that there is any fighting going on around you stay out of it and for heaven's sake don't start anything. You are not a small dog, stop acting like one.

Pisces - You're very fertile right at the moment, so if you're not ready then I would suggest you use protection. This does not apply only to babies, but to any sort of creative endeavour you have in mind. The end result will be tremendous, but the process will be fraught. Go forward carefully.

Blogoscopes for December 19th - January 1st

Aries - Did you volunteer to cook the turkey this year? Because the bad news is that you're probably going to spend most of the holiday on your own in the kitchen. The good news is that this means you can stuff that bird any old way you want. The best news is that you look really good in stoic...and gravy.

Taurus - You have been so completely focused on working for so long now, that you are really looking forward to having a chance to celebrate the holiday season. Sadly, your social skills have atrophied to the point where I see you spending New Year's Eve alone in a bank vault.

Gemini - Gemini is the sign of hats and noise makers, so it doesn't take a psychic to predict some parties in your near future. But here's something that your friends won't tell you. There's opportunity under the mistletoe, and I'm talking more than a snog. Stay alert, stay upbeat and for Pete's sake try to stay at least half-way sober.

Cancer - I like the minimalist look you've got going on at home this year. There is absolutely no reason to get all holiday spirit-ish about things and decorate. In fact I would recommend that you ban any and all shades of red or green from your abode for the duration. You wouldn't want anything to look accidentally festive.

Leo - You have been appointed the Designated Driver of The Year. Try to see this as a reward not a judgement. It's just that without you, nobody will get anywhere. Think of yourself as a superhero and look for new ways to use your powers. For the sake of mankind, please promise you'll stay away from tights and capes.

Virgo - The romantic glow that surrounds you right now is on its way to becoming a leading cause of global warming. You've got one more lovely uncomplicated week ahead of you, and then the cold cruel world throws up in your shoe. It's not the end of your love, it's just a bit of a break so the temperature can drop, and the rest of us can maybe get some skiing in.

Libra - Okay I can't call you a diva two weeks in a row, even you might take offence. I will suggest that you appear to be living in a power ballad. Celine, Dolly, Whitney, Poison, Scorpions, Bon Jovi....oh sure you don't own the albums, but don't try to deny that this is one of your guilty pleasures. Just remember, a song is like a poem, and a poem is like a story, and stories aren't real.

Scorpio - You Scorpios are kind of like moles, inhabiting an underground world, hidden from the rest of us. Very few non-Scorpios even know that it exists, and fewer know its purpose. It's simple really - this network of hidden pathways allows you to disappear and reappear at unexpected times in unexpected places. Stop doing this! It freaks people out.

Sagittarius - Your watchword over the coming weeks is excess and I highly recommend that you start stockpiling remedies now. Remedies for what you ask? I have no idea, all I can tell you is that the world has a lot to offer you right now and you are poised to try all of it. Maybe you should just hire a private nurse and let a professional look after you.

Capricorn - You can relax. In all probability, Jesus was not a Capricorn. The immediate consequences of grasping this concept are twofold. 1) You can safely stop expecting quite so much from yourself, and 2) you can safely stop expecting everyone to worship you. So go ahead and get on with your life as a has-been.

Aquarius - At least until January, take great care when considering any career changes. Unless you are extremely cautious, your next job title could be crack whore. And believe me, at this juncture, you can't afford to be less than 100% sober, as the rocket ship you call a life reaches escape velocity. You don't want to be nauseous in zero gravity.

Pisces - Don't read the Aquarius horoscope! You too will be experiencing vertigo, but your coping skills are somewhat different. My advice to you, Pisces, is that you indulge in what ever substance(s) you need to, in order to avoid noticing what's going on around you. I'll let you know as soon as it's safe to sober up.

Blogoscope for December 11-18th 2006

Aries – Get ready Aries, this is the week you break away from the crowd and get noticed. Now I know that giving you a head’s up may compromise your natural innocent exuberance, but when the moment comes I don’t want you to be caught picking your nose or something. You’d never forgive me. So just do your best to act surprised and it will all go off beautifully!

Taurus - Hey you know that party that’s been going on across the street for the past two days? That’s actually a crime scene. It just looks like fun from where you’re sitting. I don’t care what you think you’re doing, stop doing it. Don’t rationalize, justify, excuse or deny it – just stop doing it!

Gemini – It’s okay you can come out now. You were only contagious for the first few days. Besides, haven’t most of your friends already had this? Yes I know you’ve had it before and got it again, but that’s just you. You’re special. Now, Typhoid Mary, get out there and mingle!

Cancer – Scientific studies have proven that navel gazing leads to navel picking and navel picking leads to leaks. Yep that’s right, it’s just like your mom told you; all of the air will come out of you. The only question is will you deflate with a slow hiss and subside unnoticed into a flat pile in the corner? Or will you rocket around through a series of spectacular ricochets and draw all eyes to your sensational demise?

Leo – Honestly are you that pissed off, or is it really the principle of the thing? Do you think that someone owes you an apology? Well then get it. Stop moping and take active steps to get whatever you feel it will take to make things even. Only you can know what it is you really want and the fact that no one else really gets it does not mean that you are wrong.

Virgo – The sign of the virgin. Do you know why they call you that? It’s because every time some dumb schmuck you feel sorry for fucks you over again it feels like the first time. If you’re really enjoying it, then please, don’t let me stop you. But if it’s starting to chafe a little maybe it’s time to make some changes n’est-ce pas? At least get a decent lube.

Libra – Ah, lovely Libra. Wandering around the house singing One Less Bell to Answer and dressing like Audrey Hepburn. Nobody does wistful quite like you do, but please leave it at home; unless, of course, you work somewhere that smiles on wearing elbow length gloves and that much eye makeup to the office. Hey are they hiring?

Scorpio – Everything is fine. You’re doing a terrific job. There won’t be any problems from here on in. Just keep walking, that’s right one foot in front of the other….ah no, don’t look down! Deep breath, deep breath, you’ll be fine. Stop trying to guess where you’re going and just go there!

Sagittarius - A lot of people are wondering what’s going on at your house this week. Are you throwing a party? Why not? Can I come? Seriously, you might as well have everybody over, because otherwise they’re just going to make shit up about you. Call it your client party and write it off.

Capricorn – Okay just because your family loves him/her/it, is no reason for you to propose. I’m sure that he/she/it, is the love of your life, and everything you could ever want in a life partner. And if for one moment he/she/it suspects that you might ask him/her/it….aw to hell with it you’d be better off to spend the holiday getting drunk alone.

Aquarius - I always find my own sign the most difficult to write without bias. But this week I think I’ve managed to attain that perfectly objective viewpoint and I am happy to tell you that you are going to have a lot of great sex and make scads of money right through the rest of this month. It is unclear to me whether or not the two are connected.

Pisces – Looks like you’ve got travel plans for the next week and I’m sad to say that it’s most likely a bus trip to a discount mall. Not excited? Well try to think of it this way; you can spend the day being superior to everyone else on the tour: You’ve shopped in better places, found better deals, eaten better mall food. By the time that tour coach drops you back at the Kiss ‘n Go you’ll have 60 new acolytes.

My CV

Objective: World domination in a totally fun and loving way

Skills, abilities, talents, magical attributes and super powers:
I.....am curious, imaginative and creative, can draw, paint, write and sculpt with clay, have a flexible schedule, tell great stories, make people laugh (with not at), am stylish, well organized, a good judge of character, sincere, charming, witty and intelligent. I can be sillier than a string bean or as serious as whatever a serious thing would be. I'm told I'm cute. As a rule, domestic animals and small children like me. I am a good listener and can talk your ear off.

Experience in the following positions:
Dramaturge, amanuensis, pornographer, teacher, data manager, volunteer coordinator, Tarot Card reader, astronomer, diplomat, TV host, comedian, philosopher, editor, hostess.

Hobbies:
Convoluted conspiracy theories and crossword puzzles (where the clues to all the conspiracy theories lie)