Blogoscope Week of August 27th to September 3, 2007

Aries - So while you were busy sewing a quilt for Bears Without Borders, planning a surprise party for someone you've known for one week, and donating organs, everyone else has definitely moved on. By the time you get to where the party is - oops, was - everyone else will have gone home. Pouting is not going to help anything so you might as well just run along, follow them home; maybe you could bake a cake for everybody, you know how much you like to do things for other peop....hey isn't that how you got here in the first place? Hey you can do me a favour! I don't have a recent picture of you to take with me on my travels. Why don't you e-mail me one?

Taurus - In my current neighbourhood, there are a lot of designer dogs. The streets teem with condo-sized mini-mutts that usually turn out to be a something-poo. This morning I met one from a breed that the owner assures me is a poodle/schnauzer/Airedale/spaniel cross, and it looks like a Koala bear in drag. Cute now, but in the years to come, as adorable morphs into a fat ex-ophthalmic, wheezing little bark-bag, somebody will discover that what seemed like a good idea at the time, is really an abomination against nature. Be warned! Know what would be a good idea? Send me a photo of you that I can take with me when I go nomad. Make it your personal favourite.

Gemini - Think World War One and you think trenches - you can't not think trenches, even though there must have been other things going on during that war; it was after all the War To End All Wars. For the first time ever, it seemed there was no safe place on Earth; the enemy was a faceless force. In this one thing, the scared and dying young men who huddled in those rat infested mud holes were better off. They couldn't afford not to believe in at least one safe place on Earth; and they could see the faces of those they were supposed to be fighting. You and I aren't fighting but it would still be great to see your face while I'm travelling - e-mail your smile and I promise never to lose it....again.

Cancer - We live in a world that is geared for the adrenalin junkie and sport can be a bloodbath. Do you believe there was a time when high diving was considered an extreme sport? I still don't understand why divers don't smash straight down to the bottom of the pool but I'm sure it must have something to do with physics. All the skill of the dive is above the water; you don't get marked on what happens below the surface. And right there is the reason why diving never became a hot spectator sport - it is soooo not a metaphor for life. I need new pictures of you...I haven't seen you in so long...have you changed?

Leo - Man I'm telling you the paparazzi drive me crazy. How am I supposed to live a normal life with camera flashes going off in my face and strangers shouting impertinent questions at me? The worst is when they try to follow me into a private place and get in the way of me just living my life. The pressure of always being ready for a photo op and a sound bite is really getting to me. I could definitely use your advice on this one. You live with this all the time and you make it look so good. How do you do it? Got any shots of you sneaking through the alley? Something the Enquirer hasn't seen yet? Pass 'em on so I can add them to my mobile gallery.

Virgo - Hey Virgo! It's your birthday - enough of that shit - a celebration is one thing a lot of pointless noise is another altogether. You might want to rethink that idea. I know you believe that you've been clear about things but gestures can be misinterpreted and words frequently only make things worse. I also know you feel exposed and vulnerable at the moment but try to think of this as your moment in the spotlight, your chance to let the rest of the world hear your message. Speak slowly, use small words, say only the things you honestly mean. Honestly, I want a picture of you, beautiful you, smiling at me. E-mail me?

Libra - What are your friends going to say when they get here and discover that you've prepared a beautiful meal and then eaten the whole thing? Will anyone mind that the only thing left is devil's food cake? Probably not; you may not know it but that dark, bitter sweet, chocolaty side of your personality is the one most people really love. Sadly its that part of your self which you seem most loathe to let out to play. You have a primo opportunity right now to get your nasty on and really enjoy it. Ease into it with some dirty jokes. And send me a racy picture for my hard drive (nudge nudge), I want your beautiful face to go with me.

Scorpio - The Ex is on! I was in a cab heading south on Dufferin last night and realized I could see the Ferris wheel on the horizon. Damn I hope that was a Ferris wheel and not an alien ship; anyway, I love Whack-A-Mole. You know how sometimes at a stag n' doe they'll have casino games? If I was having a stag n' doe I'd get a Whack-A-Mole. If you ever see one pick it up for me and I'll buy it off you. In the meantime, unless you wanna get whacked, you might want to think about keeping your head down. This does not mean that the picture of yourself that you're going to e-mail me should be upside down.

Sagittarius - Your first batch of home brew dark ale is ready and you decide to test it. It's good and you decide to reward yourself with another; you end up testing the entire case. If there's a lesson to be learned here (and there is) it's that while it very well may be necessary to stop once in a while and check yourself, it is not necessary to obsess about it. It's possible that your ass does look fat in those but this should not in any way affect your ability to live a full and complete life. Send me a picture and I'll tell you if your butt looks big in those. Or just e-mail me a photo of your smile.

Capricorn - Your party has nominated you as their favourite. They took a vote and decided that you are the candidate most likely to successfully forward their agenda. This means that it's time for you to start glad-handing and fund raising. Many politicos hate this part of the process, mainly due to its uncanny resemblance to prostitution but don't worry you won't have to do it for long. Your party's platform is pretty simple and if the coffers run to a case of beer and a couple of pizzas a week you will always be their front-runner. Got any party pictures you want to share with me? It would be nice to have something to remind me of the good times at home.

Aquarius - Jennifer Aniston and I have a lot in common; we're both Aquarians, we were both married to Brad Pit; we both....what do mean? I had a dream that I was married to Brad Pitt. Hey their relationship was a fractured fairy tale fueled by media lust. You tell me that was real.
Whatever, Jen and I are both completely over Brad and happily living single. Neither one of us needs a love interest. Which is not to say we wouldn't like to have love interest, but we're doing fine as we are thanks very much. Send me a picture with or without significant other, your choice.

Pisces - You're spinning in circles trying to find the source of the voice calling your name, snatching at the phantoms buzzing around your head, and walking around with your tongue stuck out trying to read the words you swear are written there; all this performed while trying to pull a sweater over your head and tie your shoes at the same time. I'm not saying you have to stay home this week, but you should try to be in a room full of soft things because you are competing with yourself to see which you will do first, choose to sit down or fall on your ass. I could never have too many pictures of you. Send me a new one and I'll tell you what that word is that's on the tip of your tongue.

Blogoscopes Week of August 20th to August 27th 2007

Aries - You know, you've gotta give props to celebrities these days. About half the population of North America seems to be one, making a living just getting photographed. Seriously; with the right handling they can do some piece of shit, scary-action-costume-indie-teen-flick and parlay that into spending the rest of their lives having the media save them the postage by making all of their major life announcements - births, deaths, weddings, and rehab. What do you want to be famous for? You've got a little time, why don't you think about it? Be as creative as you'd like.

Taurus - What's your taste in music? I tend to like my music the way I like my chocolate - a little sweet with a smooth chewy quality, a bit of crunch and on the dark side. When it has all those qualities, music can give me that same happy, high, in love feeling that chocolate does. I have to confess that it wasn't always this way. In my younger days my taste in music and chocolate tended more toward the milky sweet and simple. Which was also how love felt back then. What were your favourite chocolate songs the first time you fell in love?

Gemini - Think of one thing in the whole world that consistently makes your heart leap, makes you catch your breath, draws your eye and forces you to stop what you were doing. It might not be a good thing; it might be a scary thing; it might not be a thing; but you need to think about it; play twenty questions with it; find out what it looks like and where it lives. Now, imagine, just for a second, that it's gone.....and.... it's back. Which end of that made you gasp? How did you life look without that thing? Scary or good?

Cancer - I have issues with elevators. I'm not afraid of them and in fact I've been stuck in them on numerous occasions without coming to any harm. However, and this might go back to my imaginary detective friends (see Libra) but I always expect elevator doors to open and reveal a dead body. Morning, noon and night, at home or at work, going up or heading down, I anticipate gore each and every time those doors begin to slide open. Well, I guess maybe I am afraid of elevators. Your turn....where do you anticipate murder and mayhem?

Leo - Do you ever feel as though life is just one great big greased pig contest? Contrary to a popular saying about pig wrestling, you may both get dirty but the pig does not enjoy it. So we're agreed then - entire chunks of life can often resemble floundering around a sty in an mainly futile attempt to capture a terrified animal - and neither one of you knows why. There are easier ways to get your hands on a bacon sandwich. Plus, bacon is bad for you so maybe you should think about turkey wrestling. Tofu wrestling is inevitable.

Virgo - Man, the world is full of stupid people. You know how you can tell? Most of them are working at jobs they hate because they can't think of anything better to do with their time. Whaddaya mean that's not why they do it? Oh, I get it, it's money they're worried about. The net result is the same - an ever increasing population of mentally lazy people who are unable to think - full stop. Well you know what that means? The time is ripe for you to take over the world. Someone needs to show all the others what has real value.

Libra - I have developed some really wonderful friendships with a series of fictional characters. Most of them are detectives from murder mysteries. I frequently imagine myself being interviewed by one of them as a witness or possible suspect in some interesting crime. I have mentally rehearsed ways of sounding innocent yet interesting; I now have a selection of alibis on hand that do the job admirably - "I was thinking about soup; my thumb was stuck; I need more purple; aliens" Feel free to use any of them if you want people to find you mysterious.

Scorpio - Ever read anything written by David Sedaris? In Dress Your Family in Corduroy and Denim he tries to come to terms with the knowledge that his is not the only high school in the world with cool kids. To this day, apparently, he still struggles to grasp this concept because, if it proves to be true, it means that he has built his life around trying to imitate and please people who really are not important. Hey, ever stop to think that maybe your cool kids aren't the only cool kids? That maybe they're not even cool?

Sagittarius - Are you a Cosmo girl? Just play along here and get into the spirit of the thing. Do you want to define an era, break the rules, set a new standard and still look pretty for your man? Do you want to be in charge, calling the shots, running the show and still get silly with the girls? Do you want to have it all and do you want to look good doing it? If you answered yes to any of these questions, then you're a Cosmo girl. Don't worry, the dress code has been relaxed and these days you can make the grade without even combing your hair.

Capricorn - I'm overwhelmed by the number and variety of functions/services that are offered by my cell phone. I use three of them. I either don't know what the rest are or have no use for them. The iPhone has upped the ante on features I would never find a use for but it has also made me start to imagine a phone built to do the things I want it to do; like housework and teleportation; maybe it could contain a Taser . What do you want your gadgets/tools to do for you? Make a list and don't let reality get in get in your way.

Aquarius - Is it possible that the Bruce Nuclear plant is being run by Smurfs or did I just imagine that? Some days the line between the dream world and the so-called real world is really hard to see. The downside of that is possibly finding yourself at work in your pajamas; that and the potential for really boring dreams. The upside is finding yourself smiling just because; that and the potential to have a really dreamy life. Hey just because you're a little blue person doesn't mean you can't be a nuclear scientist.

Pisces - Do you enjoy jigsaw puzzles? Have you ever done one of those really big ones with like a kajillion pieces? Imagine working your way through something like that and then discovering that there's a piece missing. That would be really frustrating but you'd still know what the picture was and really what difference does it make. Now imagine that your kajillion pieces are from one of those 3-D puzzles, and the piece that's missing is a bottom corner - big difference. You can't really start let alone finish this one. Time to improvise.

Blogoscope Week of August 13th to 20th 2007

Aries - On the corner near my old apartment is one of those decorative lollipop trees. It is the favourite hang out of a mob of tiny brown sparrows that gathers and gossips in its branches for hours on end every day. You can hear them natter and quarrel and sing to each other from several yards away until you're two steps off and then, as one being, they fall completely silent - then you step two feet beyond them they immediately start up again. Coincidence? Or are they talking about you? Suppose they are talking about you - what are they saying?

Taurus - Alan Cummings has made a career out of playing himself. Different costumes, same characters - this is an insight acquired during a viewing of Josie and The Pussycats last night. Course now I'm fretting about Richard E. Grant in Spiceworld and Crispin Glover in Charlie's Angels. I thought they added a degree of credibility to cinematic fluff, but what if they're not acting? What if they're just weird? Like bad weird? Then I remember Pussycat drummer Mel Valentine's mantra - "If You're Happy and You Know it Clap Your Hands."

Gemini - Wouldn't it be cool if instead of bungee jumping you could bungee catapult? It would be a huge rush to find yourself being propelled up into the darkening atmosphere; to watch the stars rushing toward you and feel the celestial breezes ruffling your hair. The bitch of it would be when you reached your zenith and the bungee began to pull you back to earth. Suppose there's a limited time offer that gives you an extra extra long cord - maybe if you could stay aloft long enough you could stop believing in gravity.

Cancer - You have two weeks to learn conversational Balinese. It's needed for a cultural mission you'll be asked to join and language is a must. A few key phrases will be fine, but it is essential that you be fluent to avoid any international incidents. How are you going to do it? Will you buy Balinese for Dummies and then spend all of your free time repeating instructions? Or will you fly to Bali, rent a villa on the beach and party with the locals? It's a sort of cultural mission and multi-tasking always impresses the boss.

Leo - Can you believe all the stuff they've added to cars these days? Do you understand what any of these things are? Can you please tell me, what is "European Steering?" I heard that on TV and I wonder what it means? Does it mean anything at all? Did Knight Rider have European Steering? What about Batman? James Bond? Or, more aptly for you, Roy Rogers? This week, words lead the way so to ensure meaning you must be certain that your hands are on the reins, your feet are in the stirrups, and your spurs are made by love.

Virgo - I think it's pretty obvious that this column isn't written by a Virgo. Consistency and attention to detail are sadly lacking. Fonts, colours and template changing irregularly; the side bar is an inane horror show. If it was a casserole you wouldn't eat it. Cease your fretting, the mess is digital and you won't get any of it on you. You could, however, find yourself touching something icky this week - sticky, squelchy, gloppy, maybe even smelly. I dare you to stick your arms into it right up to your elbows and wiggle your fingers.

Libra - Rip Van Winkle slept for 20 years in the eighteenth century. When he awoke, his wife and friends were dead and war had caused democracy to break out everywhere. How out of step would he be had he gone to sleep in 1987 and was only now waking up in 2007? The changes he found would be more numerous and probably more extreme, but a 1987 Mr. Van Winkle would also be more prepared for great change than the original rural lay-about. This is good news for you - when your hibernation ends you won't be too far behind on things.

Scorpio - Ever been in a professional recording studio? They're specially constructed to reduce the effect of sound bouncing off of surfaces. The walls eat sound. Every word spoken in this environment is completely on its own - no echo, no reverb, no hum. People react differently to this deadening; some whisper as though the space were sacred; others raise their voices in a futile attempt to fill the space with sound. It's an environment to just sit in, alone, without saying a word - experience true silence and the rest of your world will never sound the same.

Sagittarius - So there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but which end. A bow, an arch, has two of them, so which one would you go to, in order to find the pot of gold? Hard as it is to find one end, how in the world could you expect to make it to two of them in the heartbeat of time that a rainbow stays in sky? I have a theory that rainbows are actually rainrings - whole circles with no ends. Which means all you have to do is stay where you are, and sooner or later the pot of gold will come around to you. Heads up! It's sooner.

Capricorn - Off the top of your head, name the following: three team mates of Wayne Gretzky, Michael Jordan and David Beckham; the other two members of Destiny's Child and The Supremes; and the drummer for No Doubt. Fortune and posterity shine on those bold and beautiful individuals who can grab the spotlight and command centre stage; on those who aren't afraid to let it really be all about them. But it pays to remember that they don't achieve this level of fame without help...identify your team and start delegating.

Aquarius - I've always felt sorry for Dr. Frankenstein's monster; never more so than during the angry mob scene. The patchwork newborn's only crime is being different - unlike his creator who is guilty of practising godhood without a license. The mob is simply mindless. Maybe it really would be better for all if the monster were dead and the doctor in custody but recognizing different view points doesn't change the fact that gangs with sharp and/or flaming sticks can't fix things. Have you considered a strongly worded letter to the editor?

Pisces - I used to think that only elves, samurais and ancient mongols could actually hit a target with an arrow while shooting from horseback - apparently I was wrong. It's not for everyone and definitely doesn't look like it would be easy. How would the world change if this level of training and dedication was required for using any weapon? Granted, your weapon of choice is your mind and your goal is not to kill your target. I still think you should stop and dismount before you start taking shots at anything.

Blogoscopes Week of August 6th to August 13th, 2007

Aries - I think I may have made a major medical discovery this week. I'm going to apply for a grant to research my theory. I don't need laboratories or test tubes or assistants, I just need the wherewithal to conduct interviews with my study subjects - wherever they may live. What's the break-through you ask? It's the reverse of Munchausen's by Proxy and its sufferers dedicate their lives to alleviating pain and easing afflictions - for every one but them selves. I call it Withholdin-Hausen by Proxy. Now, we're not talking about the Mother Teresas of the world here, this is an ego thing. I'll need you to sign a waiver before we begin.

Taurus - I had the pleasure of opening a new tub of honey this morning. I know that I should be buying glass jars of comb-in, local honey produced by bees that have been hand-fed on orchids, but some days there's just nothing as nice as being the one who gets to eat those little nipples of creamed honey that are stuck to the lid when you lift it. Honey is the only food in the world that never goes bad, which means long stretches between purchases. For weeks you're lifting the seal on a sweet mess of toast crumbs and jam residue and then - joy - the pristine surface of a new tub. Stop right here and savour this moment.

Gemini - Dream interpretation time - Night; you're in a rounded glass elevator rising up the exterior of a skyscraper. The ground is far below and you can see the sparkling lights of the city for miles around. In fact you can see to the other side of the ocean, to the mountains on the distant horizon, through the clouds that descend to surround your capsule. You begin to wonder several things at once like where are you going? How tall is this building? Is glass really fragile? Suddenly the elevator car breaks free of its cables and begins to plummet toward earth. You choose - you can fly, you can fall, or you can wake up screaming. I'd choose fly.

Cancer - You're not the type to fall for a bunch of crazy cult stuff, but you wouldn't say no to a spot of intrigue - a la James Bond. James may be On Her Majesty's Secret Service, but his identity is never a secret. Bond, James Bond introduces himself to every bad guy - and bad girl - on the planet. They know who he is, he knows who they are and what follows is like a dance/fight between the forces of good and evil. Nor is it a secret that, in the end, James will prevail - defeating the forces of evil and getting the girl. Do you see where I'm going with this? your mission this week is to discover your own definition of 'undercover'.

Leo - Party at your place! They've been gathering for days and the celebrations so far have included face-painting, stand up comedy, fireworks and a parade. You've been fed and gifted lavishly and you've been hoisted onto shoulders and serenaded loudly. Enjoy it while you can. I'm not saying that it's over tomorrow, but sooner or later all good things must come to an end. In a while, the guests will start to head home, the band will pack up and the leftovers will get put away. But first, there's one thing remaining for you to do. Yes that's right, this is the part of the festivities where you make a teary speech thanking everyone.

Virgo - When I was a kid it was the summer weekdays that I loved, forget Saturdays and Sundays. Monday through Friday I could be anywhere I wanted with my friends, between the end of lunch and whenever the streetlights came on. It amazes me to think of it now, but there was a lot of exploring you could get done, fun you could have and trouble you could stir up between the hours of 1 and 8 on a Wednesday afternoon in August. Now, of course, it's the weekends I live for and Wednesdays are just Wednesdays. Why don't you negotiate some new curfews for yourself this week? Inspire me.

Libra - I'm proposing a new symbol for Libra - instead of the scales, you should consider adopting the pendulum. It will feel like you're a circus performer, and now, instead of walking the tightrope, you're a trapeze artist. To begin with you'll have to adjust to stomach heaves instead of foot cramps, and to be sure, swooping through and beyond a mid-point is not exactly your idea of staying balanced, but....once you get the swing of things you'll discover the freedom to be found in a fulcrum. The freedom to reach to extremes and always come safely back to centre. Plus don't forget, you're still working with a net.

Scorpio - You are always on, always performing, even when you're standing in the wings. Your life is a never ending show-stopper designed to seduce everyone around you - and when I say seduce I am not talking about sex. You collect people, and your crowd-pleasing personality is the honey you use to lull them into a trance-like state and then lure them into your specimen jars (insert evil laugh here) Much of what you've learned about your self you learned by seeing how others respond to you - like every great performer this is how you refine your craft. It'll be interesting to see what you discover during a week with a mirror for an audience.

Sagittarius - What do you do if you suspect that someone has had their hand in your cookie jar? By cookie jar, I mean piggy bank; and by piggy bank, I mean wherever you stash your sparkly stuff. Well before you start shouting stop thief you might want to rethink your suspicions. Your cup is overflowing just a little, and you would honestly be hard pressed to say you're sure something is missing. Plus the way things have been going lately, it's just as likely that you misplaced it as that someone took it. If you want to worry about something, worry about this raging paranoia you seem to be developing.

Capricorn - We're all afraid of laughing at funerals so it must be a pretty common occurrence. Makes sense really; a highly emotional situation, in a surreal setting (hello, dead body in the room), and a diverse group of people who (ideally) share your feelings; at least they are there for the same reasons that you are. But hang on a minute, is it possible that you're at the wrong event? Perhaps this isn't an occasion of mourning, just an oddly low key celebration of something - a marriage, graduation, promotion, birth - even funerals can be a celebration if you do them right. In that case, go ahead - giggle, guffaw, snort - let's get this party started.

Aquarius - Seems like forever since I last saw it, but one of the things I used to love on a warm summer evening was watching flocks of hot air balloons silhouetted against a purple skyline. Silent and shimmering, like enormous bubbles wafting by. Have you ever been up in a hot air balloon? Wispy, wafty, shiny - at that height, suspended from a balloon, in a basket? Not so silent either - those burners can be ear-splitting. Yes, there's no doubt that piloting one of these glowing beauties over an urban landscape can be nerve-wracking, but honestly, would you pass up the chance? I guess we'll find out soon enough.

Pisces - How cool would it be if every day when you left the house, instead of taking the transit or driving your car, or walking, you could hop onto a roller coaster that would take you exactly where you wanted to go - in a round about roller coasterish sort of way. You would arrive at work wind blown and wide-eyed; walk into rooms flushed and sparkling. That sort of non-stop exhilaration can lead to a sort of uber-alertness. Intense synesthesia ensues (say that three times fast) and you finally get a chance to hear the sound of purple and experience the flavour of the number 3.