Blogoscopes Week of December 29, 2008 to January 5, 2009

Aries - You're hosting this year's New Year's Eve party which means you have only a few days to decorate the house, organize the food and practice counting backward from ten - prioritize these anyway you see fit. Forget about sending out invites, everyone will be showing up at your place anyway.

Taurus - You suddenly discover that someone has been calling your name for about least forty eight hours. Yes they did ask you a question and yes they are expecting an answer. Buy yourself time by flashing a smile and asking your own question. When that doesn't work - and it won't - just admit that you weren't paying attention.

Gemini - Snorkeling and scuba diving are very different activities. Snorkeling provides an opportunity to watch the sun sparkle on coral, to swim with shoals of brightly coloured fish and play with rays. Scuba is what you do when you want to see an octopus. Fill your tank for a dive but beware of the tentacles in dark places.

Cancer - If you're hosting a holiday meal, whether in home or out, make sure that you've got enough to go around. It's great to be generous and open handed with friends and loved ones, especially at this time of year, but you don't want to find yourself short on turkey or cash. Double check your recipes to avoid embarrassment.

Leo - In line for a bus on Christmas eve, I heard a guy behind me hailing every thing as a Christmas miracle. The bus arrived - Christmas miracle. The bus departed - Christmas miracle. You and I have to face the fact that not every one wants to be rational. Finding the strength to avoid smacking them - Christmas miracle.

Virgo - You're a little bit like Dr. Doolittle's Pushmi-pullyu these days, trying to go in two directions at once and generally settling for not going anywhere at all. Relax, just give in to it and enjoy the stasis. Less rushing around means that more gets done and when your friends come calling they're sure to find you at home.

Libra - Someone really should train a dog or a monkey or some animal that can be your guide and helper for those times when you drift off into the world of daydreams and are prone to wandering out into traffic. It would be a bonus if that helper were also able to speak on your behalf even if only to tell pests to bugger off.

Scorpio - If it's not broke don't fix it. If you just can't keep yourself from meddling then the whole thing will be destroyed before too long. Hairline cracks will become gigantic fault lines if you keep obsessing. Can't leave it alone? Stop picking and take a hammer to it - that way at least you'll know it's broken.

Sagittarius - There is no doubt that when you're right you're right. Or at least there's no doubt that when you believe you're right there's no changing your mind. This week you'll meet someone whose view point tallies so closely with your own that you believe them to be a messiah. Be sure you're not talking to your reflection.

Capricorn - You're in a sticky situation: you're less than certain that you're doing the right thing, and your role models have gone away on vacation leaving you with no guide to illuminate the path. You can just do nothing until they get back or you can decide for yourself what's your best course of action - oooh, scary.

Aquarius - There's a better than average chance that you'll be trying to help out a homeless guy this week and suddenly find yourself in trouble when he turns out to be an undercover cop who misunderstands your offers of assistance. Stay in the real world, talk less than normal and be careful whose hand you take.

Pisces - Give it up. Whatever it is you're trying to sell no one will be buying. You just look as though you're playing some adorable children's version of capitalism and democracy. Many will be drawn to what they view as your eccentricity, no one will be alienated, but you will be incredibly frustrated.

Blogoscopes, Week of December 22 to 29, 2008

Aries - Best Gift: Handheld GPS Unit so you don't have to worry about where you're going. New Year's Resolution: Watch your posture. Dancing will correct that stoop.

Taurus - Best Gift: A crate of pink glow sticks so that wherever you go things look rosy. New Year's Resolution: Join a local choir. Your voice needs to be heard.

Gemini - Best Gift: A loom - the tedium of the shuttle creating the warp and woof of beautiful fabric. New Year's Resolution: Less planning, more daydreaming.

Cancer - Best Gift: A puppet theatre - a taste of power and a chance to speak the unspeakable. New Year's Resolution: Say 'no' more often and mean it.

Leo - Best Gift: Trapeze lessons - perfect the art of putting your feet up - also a pound of licorice. New Year's Resolution: Improve self-esteem - yes really.

Virgo - Best Gift: Tap shoes so you can begin to save the world through interpretive dance. New Year's Resolution: Let other people do some of the work.

Libra - Best Gift: Local phrase book, so you can understand what the people around you are saying. New Year's Resolution: No more mixing of booze and pranks.

Scorpio - Best Gift: Gold plated 'Get Out of Jail Free' card - wear it everywhere. New Year's Resolution: Audition for role on 24, learn to use chopsticks.

Sagittarius - Best Gift: Wii American Idol - find out if you've truly got what it takes. New Year's Resolution: Get tuxedo from dry cleaners, buy martini shaker.

Capricorn - Best Gift: Binoculars so you can clearly see what's right under your nose. New Year's Resolution: Spend more time looking down nose.

Aquarius - Best Gift: A two headed coin insures there's absolutely no way you can lose. New Year's Resolution: Stop compulsively checking bank balance.

Pisces - Best Gift: Personal dirigible with your name blazoned on the side - perfect for buzzing around town. New Year's Resolution: Wear more red.

Blogoscopes week of December 15 to 22, 2008

Aries - Thankfully the weather is still cold enough to require wearing a hat because I can tell you right now that not everyone is going to love that new hairdo you're sporting. Try to deal with people at arms length for a few days - phone, email, letters; but it won't be possible to avoid all human contact so you should have a handy tam.

Taurus - Heads up! I want you to be prepared just in case the ghost of Christmas past comes for you this week. You are not a Scrooge, this spectre just wants to reminisce - which is fine up to a point. Take control, lead the way, carry only one bottle of wine and get a friend to phone you a 1/2hour before you have to leave.

Gemini - This is just wrong - there is so much you need to get done and everyone is being highly obstructive. Well they're not really getting in your way it's more like they've abandoned you to get on with things by yourself, which is mean because they know you can't do this without them. Do they know? And do you need them?

Cancer - You really want that red car. Really. Want. Red. It's hardly even about the car at this point, it's just about the red. No one had better tell you that you can't have the red. Red says a lot about you - if you want to let yourself be so narrowly defined. Have you considered pink? Ah, see how nice that is?

Leo - You are very creative. You've got a vivid imagination, a good eye and a keen sense of drama. But I certainly would not call what you're doing now 'art'. No my dear, it's not research for a role either. Everything tastes good with rum and chip dip comes in a million flavours. Just admit it - you're goofing off.

Virgo - You may be tempted to volunteer to work in a soup kitchen this holiday season. That's very kind of you but chances are the you'll get distracted with business calls and drop your blackberry in the chicken noodle. Put your talents to better use by organizing all your friends to do the work while you supervise.

Libra - Wear headphones. Plug them into something portable with a long play list and don't take them off until next week. Things are changing all around you right now. Big things, little things, in a good way and as if by magic. The reason I suggest the phones is that some changes make disturbing sounds. Try not to listen.

Scorpio - Bubble baths, quiet music, pleasant conversation with close friends, afternoon naps and perhaps a visit to an art gallery; schedule your week around this kind of activity and then near the weekend, when you've lulled your brain into a stupor have that chat with you-know-who. Be relaxed, be honest. Repeat as needed.

Sagittarius - A crowd is chasing you down the street. Depending on what time of day it is you can be convinced that they're all trying to stop you; that they all want an autograph; or that everybody - including you - thinks you're shooting a musical. Truly? They're trying to tell you your back wheel fell off. Ah who cares?

Capricorn - Have you ever heard of the witness protection program? Just kidding; it seems that wherever you are at the moment is where the action is. Which is why I'm going to suggest that you relocate the happening to someone else's home. You've got enough going on in your world without getting stuck with the clean up too.

Aquarius - Everybody is watching you right now. Most of them don't have any idea what it is they're looking at or why they're watching you, but that won't stop them from noticing if you make the slightest mistake. Fortunately for you, you're at your best when you're at your worst. Just try not to blind them.

Pisces - You know how sometimes you just know something and you can't explain how you know it? Not psychic gifts, but just knowing how you feel even when it defies all logic; it's an unshakable certainty. Which is why I stand behind you now and fully support your refusal to eat that icky stuff even if it's good for you.

Blogoscopes Week of December 8 to 15, 2008

Aries - You are currently facing one of the toughest decisions of your life! Should you go shopping and buy something special for your self or should you lie on the couch eating Cheetos and watching TV all day? This is what the Internet was created for. You can choose to lie on the couch eating Cheetos and shop on-line during commercial breaks! Create your own a perfect world.

Taurus - This week you will have one of those dreams where you're running as fast as you can and still getting nowhere. It might help if while you're dreaming you can find a way to ask yourself where it is exactly that you are running to. I know, these dreams rarely have that kind of logic but try it anyway. There's every chance that you're already on the bus you're trying to catch.

Gemini - I have what I like to think is a dirty little secret. I love trashy Pop Culture Garbage. Love It! The Superficial writer is my future-ex husband and I'm cheating on him with Perez Hilton. But where else could you find such perfectly pithy wit....hmmm?

Cancer - Hey I didn't make the Zodiac so don't blame me for the fact that you're always following Geminis around and getting their cast offs. I'd be crabby too. Try not to think second-hand, think valet service. Like having someone to to break in your new shoes for you; test drive your cars; raise your kids - something helpful like that. There can be a bright side you know.

Leo - Ever consider taking a course? Not talking degree stuff here, what about hip hop lessons? How do you feel about clay? When was the last time you finger painted? Pick something funky because this is the only conceivable means by which you are going to get your point across. Hey when nobody's listening abstract expressionism is the only way to go. Try Jazz!

Virgo - Shit wouldn't everything be great right now if everyone else in the entire f#@*ing universe would just shut the f@#* up and listen to you. Because really, aside from the existence of all the other humans on the planet, your life is pretty f@#*ing fantastic right now. You might almost say it's hardcore. You're hardcore. That's right baby, I'm talkin to you.

Libra - Okay so someday soon you're going to get drunk and tell something you shouldn't to someone you don't know; like maybe that you're a welder, or that you play in a Zydeco band or that you invented time travel. These are the kind of stories that come back to haunt you. Hey if you really want to play washboard then you should play washboard.

Scorpio - You're showing an alarming tendency to get lost in the crackle of your VHS fireplace: or maybe it's the bubbling of your blu-ray aquarium. It could just as easily be the lint in your carpet, but be aware that staring will not make it change. At least not so's you'd notice. Which means you could be here a long time. Snap out of it - not right this minute, but soon-ish.

Sagittarius - Happy Birthday Robert You don't look a day over 35! Sure the Tilt-a-Whirl looks like fun, but just try a solid 24 hours on the thing and tell me how much you like it. Lights flashing, bells ringing, tilts whirling. So you've been on this thing a while and the whirling and tilting is getting a bit old. I hear you, but, word of advice - don't get off the ride until it comes to a complete stop.

Capricorn - Hey grumpy bear! Oh for sure you're pissed off. How are you expected to give yourself a good talking to if other people keep interrupting with their stupid shit? Why not try having your inner debate in your outside voice? The way you talk to yourself would scare the hell out of most people. Whip 'em right into shape.

Aquarius - You're trying to make eye contact with the cutie across the room and that damned pillar keeps blocking your line of sight. I understand that this is aggravating for you but can we just consider for a moment the fact that pillars don't move? If there's something standing in your way, maybe it's you. Or just maybe the cutie is dodging you and your raincloud.

Pisces - Somethings are both more and less than what they seem to be. Which is why it's good to have choices. You can avoid that too much of one/not enough of another syndrome by dipping into life's buffet and then going back for more of what you liked. Turn your world into an all-you-can-eat salad bar just for you (that means no sneeze guard is needed).