Blogoscopes Week of December 8 to 15, 2008

Aries - You are currently facing one of the toughest decisions of your life! Should you go shopping and buy something special for your self or should you lie on the couch eating Cheetos and watching TV all day? This is what the Internet was created for. You can choose to lie on the couch eating Cheetos and shop on-line during commercial breaks! Create your own a perfect world.

Taurus - This week you will have one of those dreams where you're running as fast as you can and still getting nowhere. It might help if while you're dreaming you can find a way to ask yourself where it is exactly that you are running to. I know, these dreams rarely have that kind of logic but try it anyway. There's every chance that you're already on the bus you're trying to catch.

Gemini - I have what I like to think is a dirty little secret. I love trashy Pop Culture Garbage. Love It! The Superficial writer is my future-ex husband and I'm cheating on him with Perez Hilton. But where else could you find such perfectly pithy wit....hmmm?

Cancer - Hey I didn't make the Zodiac so don't blame me for the fact that you're always following Geminis around and getting their cast offs. I'd be crabby too. Try not to think second-hand, think valet service. Like having someone to to break in your new shoes for you; test drive your cars; raise your kids - something helpful like that. There can be a bright side you know.

Leo - Ever consider taking a course? Not talking degree stuff here, what about hip hop lessons? How do you feel about clay? When was the last time you finger painted? Pick something funky because this is the only conceivable means by which you are going to get your point across. Hey when nobody's listening abstract expressionism is the only way to go. Try Jazz!

Virgo - Shit wouldn't everything be great right now if everyone else in the entire f#@*ing universe would just shut the f@#* up and listen to you. Because really, aside from the existence of all the other humans on the planet, your life is pretty f@#*ing fantastic right now. You might almost say it's hardcore. You're hardcore. That's right baby, I'm talkin to you.

Libra - Okay so someday soon you're going to get drunk and tell something you shouldn't to someone you don't know; like maybe that you're a welder, or that you play in a Zydeco band or that you invented time travel. These are the kind of stories that come back to haunt you. Hey if you really want to play washboard then you should play washboard.

Scorpio - You're showing an alarming tendency to get lost in the crackle of your VHS fireplace: or maybe it's the bubbling of your blu-ray aquarium. It could just as easily be the lint in your carpet, but be aware that staring will not make it change. At least not so's you'd notice. Which means you could be here a long time. Snap out of it - not right this minute, but soon-ish.

Sagittarius - Happy Birthday Robert You don't look a day over 35! Sure the Tilt-a-Whirl looks like fun, but just try a solid 24 hours on the thing and tell me how much you like it. Lights flashing, bells ringing, tilts whirling. So you've been on this thing a while and the whirling and tilting is getting a bit old. I hear you, but, word of advice - don't get off the ride until it comes to a complete stop.

Capricorn - Hey grumpy bear! Oh for sure you're pissed off. How are you expected to give yourself a good talking to if other people keep interrupting with their stupid shit? Why not try having your inner debate in your outside voice? The way you talk to yourself would scare the hell out of most people. Whip 'em right into shape.

Aquarius - You're trying to make eye contact with the cutie across the room and that damned pillar keeps blocking your line of sight. I understand that this is aggravating for you but can we just consider for a moment the fact that pillars don't move? If there's something standing in your way, maybe it's you. Or just maybe the cutie is dodging you and your raincloud.

Pisces - Somethings are both more and less than what they seem to be. Which is why it's good to have choices. You can avoid that too much of one/not enough of another syndrome by dipping into life's buffet and then going back for more of what you liked. Turn your world into an all-you-can-eat salad bar just for you (that means no sneeze guard is needed).