Aries - No idea what you might be for Halloween this year but whatever you decide should include a full face mask and just the tiniest chance that someone else at the party will have the same costume. That way when you and your partner try to find each other during the course of the evening, it will be have to be something other than your face that gives you away. Exercise caution and unmask before the two of you do anything silly.
Taurus - A few years back I was invited to a Halloween party where friends hoped to set me up with the host. Things looked promising when he appeared dressed as Hunter S. Thompson. Things went south when I discovered that he'd only seen the movie. No one else at the party got it. They all called him beach dude. See he was too smart and then just not smart enough. You want to watch that.
Gemini - I'm recommending that this year for Halloween you dress as an oracle. Beyond Greeks and togas, I'm not sure what that looks like but you'll think of something. The point is that you currently have the power to talk the paint off a Porsche and you can use that to earn yourself a little do re mi. The catch is that you can only do it in costume. It's not about convincing your listeners, it's about convincing yourself.
Cancer - I remember the only time I ever played Pictionary, and every single clue I had to illustrate was an intangible. Like integrity, forgiveness, honesty - how do you draw these things in under 60 seconds? So you'll understand when I tell you that for your Halloween costume I am absolutely at a loss. What does the milk of human kindness and universal love look like? Is it sequined or striped? Does it require a wig? Maybe just a big smile and nothing else!
Leo - This year you're going trick or treating en masse and they put you in charge of the costumes. Although it may seem like a waste of your time, it's actually a good thing for several reasons, one of which is that you will definitely get the job done and two is that you won't end up wearing anything that will make you look silly. Seriously, what would you do if someone suggested you all go dressed as the Rockettes? Do try to keep in mind that the Supreme Court is also not everyone's idea of a fun disguise.
Virgo - Yes Halloween is not only crassly commercialized, it's significance in a spiritual and social sense has been trivialized beyond belief. Yet for some reason this year you have developed a sudden interest in bobbing for apples. I applaud your decision to let loose and have some fun but I am a little worried that you're going to fall victim to your own prfectionism and miss the event while planning the ultimate costume. Throw a sheet over your head and just go out.
Libra - It's diffcult for me to judge whether you're decorating for a haunted house or just letting your house work slide. If it's the former you might want to tone down the sunny smile - it doesnt' scare anyone. If it's the latter, since you've gone this far you might as well throw a party and really have something to clean up after. Invite your guests to dress as their favourite cleaning tool and kill two birds with one stone.
Scorpio - If anyone is going to run into ghosts and goblins and wee evil beasties on Halloween it wil be you. You've got way too much energy to burn right now and the safest way I can think of for you to expend it is in a little one-on-one with some ectoplasm. You appear to be itching for a fight simply because you don't know what else to do and at least I know a ghost can't hurt you. Maybe you can release some pressure just running away. Boo!
Sagittarius - Do you remember the movie Alien? Have you been thinking about how the creature burst out of John Hurt's chest and wondering if that's not just indigestion you've been feeling? All right I'm sure that no slimy extraterrestrial brute is going to leap out of your body and ruin Haloween for everyone but it's a pretty simple costume idea and an easy way to release your inner beast in a metaphorical way that will allow you complete deniability later - after your angst eats the world.
Capricorn - One of the fundamentals of Halloween costume development is that you should always be comfortable enough to eat, drink, dance, and pee. This year for you alone I'm adding this caveat - your costume shoud be just uncomfortable enough that you yourself don't end up believing in it. A red cape doesn't mean you can fly. Crazy white hair won't make your explanation of relativity the correct one. Stay sober enough to remember that this is all just make believe.
Aquarius - Okay so usually you get a jump start on the bah humbug business and start playing Scrooge by hiding out on Halloween. This year I sense you've mellowed a bit. Maybe you've gotten in touch with the ghost of Trick or Treats past and realized that you've been missing out on some serious fun. Revisiting your childhood is not a bad costume idea. Dress up as you when you were 8 years old. Heck, egg a car or two and soap some windows. Just don't tell anybody I suggested it.
Pisces - Will I get in trouble if I suggest your Halloween costume should be conjoined twins? The world is always a scary place for you but when the veil between the worlds comes down and the undead rise to stalk the streets, no amount of reflective clothing is going to help. This is an entire night built on the concept of taking candy from strangers, which the rest of the year we're told is bad. So partner up! Travel with a buddy. Preferrably one who's braver than you.
Saturday, October 25, 2008
Saturday, October 18, 2008
Blogoscopes Week of October 20 to 27, 2008
Aries - I may have mentioned this to you before, but it bears repeating I'm sure. Peeing on someone's foot is not an appropriate means of communicating your affections. If you like someone, bake them a cake or write them a song don't try to hump their leg. This is especially important to you right now because lately you seem to like so many people that the potential for an ugly mob scene is growing exponentially.
Taurus - Granted, it's a little embarrassing but it could happen to anyone. You've generously and publicly pledged your super-hero powers to fighting against injustice. Now you discover that your nemesis, twisted arch-villain L.L. Pants-on-fire, has been living in your garden shed. In the bigger picture it does you credit. It's hard to fight evil when you don't know what it looks like. Semper Vigilant!
Gemini - This week you will have a beautiful dream that all of your friends are gathered in your living room; not the living room you currently inhabit, but the living room of your dreams, beautifully decorated. Your two biggest challenges will be 1) not having this dream while your friends are actually in the living room; and 2) trying to figure out where to get that exquisite vase. Um helloo? Dream.
Cancer - There comes a time in everyone's life when they wonder if they've done what they should have done, been what they should have been, said what they should have said. It can hit a person at any age and at this time of year it's almost an epidemic. Introspection is great up to a point beyond which it becomes a waste of time. It does, however, save you from becoming a total know-it-all wanker.
Leo - Madonna is quite possibly the world's most famous Leo. She is apparently divorcing her husband Guy Ritchie and friends speculate that things began to unravel when he was not attentive enough to her needs. I'm not saying all Leo's are drama queens, but you do have a gift for hyperbole and in defense of 'emotional retards' everywhere can I just point out that if you want your belly rubbed you should at least roll over?
Virgo - Prashant if you're reading, this is for you. For anyone who isn't Prashant, the message is that you are not alone. Many people are not Prashant. But that's okay, you can get in touch with your inner Prashant by making an effort to truly engage with your surroundings. You don't need to buy art supplies because you don't actually need to draw it or paint it; just stare at your world for as long as it takes you to fall in love with it.
Libra - I hope that you don't know any of my Aries friends because if one of them currently has a crush on you, you'd be just the person to drum up an angry mob. You are justifiably ticked off and not even a little bit shy about telling people exactly that. Which is great if the people you're ticked with are the only ones listening. Sadly, innocent by-standers will be swayed by your appeal and wade in to assist and defend you. Just so you know this could get ugly.
Scorpio - This week, whether you have dental surgery, try a new antihistamine or erroneously swallow your girlfriend's birth control pills, if the instructions say don't operate heavy equipment, you should understand that to include your mouth. You are far too prone to telling far too many people how much you love them. You being you, this could lead to anything up to and including jail. This will be the hangover the just keeps giving and there's no where you can go to sleep it off.
Sagittarius - You're in the mood to do a lot of things right now and your new motto is 'damn the consequences'. Okay it's not a brand new motto, but we haven't seen it in a while. Can I recommend that you apply this devil-may-care attitude to a safe activity like maybe scrap booking. You can always get more paper and glue, loved ones are a little harder to replace. Careful how you cut.
Capricorn - Who doesn't love a good mystery? Like whatever happened to Jimmy Hoffa? And who killed Laura Palmer? What about the ever popular crop circles - who made those? Did Atlantis ever really exist, did aliens build the pyramids, what does Stonehenge really mean, and what goes on in the Bermuda Triangle? This week your razor sharp mind and relentless inquisitiveness will find an answer that ties them all together rather convincingly.
Aquarius - I'm afraid there may be only one way to keep your relationships from becoming too intense right now, and that's to start speaking a language no one else understands. Your choice of language will depend on where you live and how broad your circle of friends, family and acquaintance might be. If you feel unable to master Urdu in one week then make something up.
Pisces - If you're happy and you know it clap your hands. If you're not happy and you know it, please stay at home, in bed, doors locked and phone unplugged. No one wants to be around when you're in this mood and frankly it's difficult for you to get a good pout on when your loved ones are swarming around trying to cheer you up. Just relax and enjoy a really intense sulk with a dash of self-pity for a few days and things will brighten up on their own.
Taurus - Granted, it's a little embarrassing but it could happen to anyone. You've generously and publicly pledged your super-hero powers to fighting against injustice. Now you discover that your nemesis, twisted arch-villain L.L. Pants-on-fire, has been living in your garden shed. In the bigger picture it does you credit. It's hard to fight evil when you don't know what it looks like. Semper Vigilant!
Gemini - This week you will have a beautiful dream that all of your friends are gathered in your living room; not the living room you currently inhabit, but the living room of your dreams, beautifully decorated. Your two biggest challenges will be 1) not having this dream while your friends are actually in the living room; and 2) trying to figure out where to get that exquisite vase. Um helloo? Dream.
Cancer - There comes a time in everyone's life when they wonder if they've done what they should have done, been what they should have been, said what they should have said. It can hit a person at any age and at this time of year it's almost an epidemic. Introspection is great up to a point beyond which it becomes a waste of time. It does, however, save you from becoming a total know-it-all wanker.
Leo - Madonna is quite possibly the world's most famous Leo. She is apparently divorcing her husband Guy Ritchie and friends speculate that things began to unravel when he was not attentive enough to her needs. I'm not saying all Leo's are drama queens, but you do have a gift for hyperbole and in defense of 'emotional retards' everywhere can I just point out that if you want your belly rubbed you should at least roll over?
Virgo - Prashant if you're reading, this is for you. For anyone who isn't Prashant, the message is that you are not alone. Many people are not Prashant. But that's okay, you can get in touch with your inner Prashant by making an effort to truly engage with your surroundings. You don't need to buy art supplies because you don't actually need to draw it or paint it; just stare at your world for as long as it takes you to fall in love with it.
Libra - I hope that you don't know any of my Aries friends because if one of them currently has a crush on you, you'd be just the person to drum up an angry mob. You are justifiably ticked off and not even a little bit shy about telling people exactly that. Which is great if the people you're ticked with are the only ones listening. Sadly, innocent by-standers will be swayed by your appeal and wade in to assist and defend you. Just so you know this could get ugly.
Scorpio - This week, whether you have dental surgery, try a new antihistamine or erroneously swallow your girlfriend's birth control pills, if the instructions say don't operate heavy equipment, you should understand that to include your mouth. You are far too prone to telling far too many people how much you love them. You being you, this could lead to anything up to and including jail. This will be the hangover the just keeps giving and there's no where you can go to sleep it off.
Sagittarius - You're in the mood to do a lot of things right now and your new motto is 'damn the consequences'. Okay it's not a brand new motto, but we haven't seen it in a while. Can I recommend that you apply this devil-may-care attitude to a safe activity like maybe scrap booking. You can always get more paper and glue, loved ones are a little harder to replace. Careful how you cut.
Capricorn - Who doesn't love a good mystery? Like whatever happened to Jimmy Hoffa? And who killed Laura Palmer? What about the ever popular crop circles - who made those? Did Atlantis ever really exist, did aliens build the pyramids, what does Stonehenge really mean, and what goes on in the Bermuda Triangle? This week your razor sharp mind and relentless inquisitiveness will find an answer that ties them all together rather convincingly.
Aquarius - I'm afraid there may be only one way to keep your relationships from becoming too intense right now, and that's to start speaking a language no one else understands. Your choice of language will depend on where you live and how broad your circle of friends, family and acquaintance might be. If you feel unable to master Urdu in one week then make something up.
Pisces - If you're happy and you know it clap your hands. If you're not happy and you know it, please stay at home, in bed, doors locked and phone unplugged. No one wants to be around when you're in this mood and frankly it's difficult for you to get a good pout on when your loved ones are swarming around trying to cheer you up. Just relax and enjoy a really intense sulk with a dash of self-pity for a few days and things will brighten up on their own.
Thursday, October 09, 2008
Blogoscopes Week of October 13, 2008
Aries - How much time do you figure the average human being spends dealing with ear wax in their life? I'm thinking just their own personal ear wax, I'm not including parents and children or (gross) pets. But honestly, when did a little introspection ever hurt anyone?
Taurus - The amount of work that went in to this is just amazing to me. Check the bottom of the page for stats and then clock the fact that this hasn't been touched in over 6 years. I sincerely hope that everyone involved has been partying their collective asses off since March 16, 2002. Follow their example.
Gemini - You konw the great thing about the internet is that for the first time in the history of work, you can get paid for stuff you do from anywhere in the world. The fascintaing thing is how many of us decide to do it from home! Where do you think your home is?
Cancer - You know I can remember writing one of these columns and trying to find a way to attach indvidual songs to each sign. Why it didn't occur to me to give you an entire site I will never know. Now your radio station can have the same DIY ethic as your life.
Leo - Scientists say that any action at a quantum level is changed simply by being observed. I'm not sure what that means at a macro level but for safety sake I'd advise you to do your best to ignore all the gawkers.
Virgo - It's hard to find things that get lost in the dark. It's even harder to find things when you don't know what you've lost. It can't hurt to light a candle. And you can always find your mouth.
Libra - Sometimes it's not enough to just tell people to go away. Sometimes you have to tell them exactly where to go. Be definite, be forceful. Point, but for pete's sake don't offer to drive them there.
Scorpio - Ever heard the expression 'hot knife through butter'? It's used to describe something that is done with incredible ease. Like your life right now. Others will be staring and wondering how you do it. You don't know so don't even bother explaining.
Sagittarius - I stumbled upon this and I gotta confess that my initial reactin was to wonder if the people leaving comments are all fat girls. But that's mean isn't it? You and I both know that mean is often true.
Capricorn - You may not be psychic but for some reason everyone seems to be asking you to predict the future for them. This trend will continue for a while. If you can't bring yourself to admit you don't know, buy a crystal ball and pretend. Be mysterious and obscure so no one can call you on it.
Aquarius - Read this. Do I need to say anything more? If you're really feeling this, maybe you should buy yourself the t-shirt. If you don't agree, maybe you should buy yourself a margarita - to start with.
Pisces - Paying attention to every detail of every minute of every day is exhausting. On some planets it's also called extreme paranoia. On your planet it's called this week. Try doing brain sit-ups.
Taurus - The amount of work that went in to this is just amazing to me. Check the bottom of the page for stats and then clock the fact that this hasn't been touched in over 6 years. I sincerely hope that everyone involved has been partying their collective asses off since March 16, 2002. Follow their example.
Gemini - You konw the great thing about the internet is that for the first time in the history of work, you can get paid for stuff you do from anywhere in the world. The fascintaing thing is how many of us decide to do it from home! Where do you think your home is?
Cancer - You know I can remember writing one of these columns and trying to find a way to attach indvidual songs to each sign. Why it didn't occur to me to give you an entire site I will never know. Now your radio station can have the same DIY ethic as your life.
Leo - Scientists say that any action at a quantum level is changed simply by being observed. I'm not sure what that means at a macro level but for safety sake I'd advise you to do your best to ignore all the gawkers.
Virgo - It's hard to find things that get lost in the dark. It's even harder to find things when you don't know what you've lost. It can't hurt to light a candle. And you can always find your mouth.
Libra - Sometimes it's not enough to just tell people to go away. Sometimes you have to tell them exactly where to go. Be definite, be forceful. Point, but for pete's sake don't offer to drive them there.
Scorpio - Ever heard the expression 'hot knife through butter'? It's used to describe something that is done with incredible ease. Like your life right now. Others will be staring and wondering how you do it. You don't know so don't even bother explaining.
Sagittarius - I stumbled upon this and I gotta confess that my initial reactin was to wonder if the people leaving comments are all fat girls. But that's mean isn't it? You and I both know that mean is often true.
Capricorn - You may not be psychic but for some reason everyone seems to be asking you to predict the future for them. This trend will continue for a while. If you can't bring yourself to admit you don't know, buy a crystal ball and pretend. Be mysterious and obscure so no one can call you on it.
Aquarius - Read this. Do I need to say anything more? If you're really feeling this, maybe you should buy yourself the t-shirt. If you don't agree, maybe you should buy yourself a margarita - to start with.
Pisces - Paying attention to every detail of every minute of every day is exhausting. On some planets it's also called extreme paranoia. On your planet it's called this week. Try doing brain sit-ups.
Saturday, October 04, 2008
Blogoscopes Week of October 6 to October 13, 2008
Aries - How the heck you've managed to survive this long is any body's guess. You live like a ball bearing, bouncing around in the pinball machine of other people's expectations. Time to figure out what it is that you like or perhaps even dislike about the way things are now. Here's a little something that I think might help you pinpoint the source of your dissatisfaction.
Taurus - First let me just say that Roller Derby is not a hobby! It's a rigorous sport and as such requires a full-time commitment on all levels of mind, body and spirit. This means that you can't just dream about the Roller Derby, and you can't read a book on Roller Derby; you have to dedicate yourself to the gruelling regimen that will be required of you in order to reach your goal.
Gemini - There comes a time in every life, when your happy place needs to be an actual physical thing that you can touch. This is not about fetishes, but about geography - square footage. It honestly doesn't need to be either lavish or large, but it should be all yours for at least a part of each day.
Cancer - This is not the time to be worrying about whether or not everyone else is doing their bit the way they should. It's not so much that you've got to mind your own patch as it is that no one is taking you seriously and if you persist they'll think you're a fanatic and not listen to a single thing you say - ever.
Leo - It might seem like you're driving an actual school bus full of actual children, but in reality those back seat drivers asking if you're there yet, are adults. And just in case you were wondering, yes they are questioning your ability to get from point A to point B. Pull over only if you want to throw them out.
Virgo - I was going to say that I hope last week's column didn't net you as much grief for being a Virgo as it did me for writing it, but I can see that you haven't even read it. You just figured that anyone who seemed a little crankier than normal was confusing you with someone who cared? Carry on then.
Libra - You don't seem to be able to make up your mind whether you want to stay in or go out. If you will allow me to suggest a compromise, why don't you go out to some place you've never been before and stay there? See, two birds with one stone. Some people call it a vacation but I don't want to scare you.
Scorpio - I'm currently reading a book by a guy called Mil Millington, entitled "Things my girlfriend and I have argued about". The Guardian said that it is funny and at the same time affectionate. I think it might be the source of some perspective for you this week. Better than gritting your teeth. I've got the library's copy but here's a free sample.
Sagittarius - Sadly it has been left to me to be the one to tell you that all those times people have asked you how you are, they really didn't want to know. Okay maybe not everybody you know is unbelievably shallow, but some of them are just constantly spouting off shit without thought or feeling. I just thought it was time you knew.
Capricorn - Don't look down! Oh not to worry, you're standing on solid ground; you just feel like you're 40 stories up. Of course the fact that all the people you see appear to be trying to talk you down is a bit odd. Those are crazy people and you should just humour them for a bit. Remember, craaaazzzy people! Whatever you do don't make any sudden moves.
Aquarius - Someone may shortly be asking you for something you don't want to give them. You're not being stingy; this is a matter of principle. You don't want to do anything that would benefit this particular individual. What if I told you that the smelly man with his hand out is trying to give you something? Would that change your mind?
Pisces - Have you got your listening ears on? I know, you say hear everything, but maybe you're just overhearing? Maybe it's time you started to actively listen. If you already have been then think about an upgrade to something a little more modern - like digital!
Taurus - First let me just say that Roller Derby is not a hobby! It's a rigorous sport and as such requires a full-time commitment on all levels of mind, body and spirit. This means that you can't just dream about the Roller Derby, and you can't read a book on Roller Derby; you have to dedicate yourself to the gruelling regimen that will be required of you in order to reach your goal.
Gemini - There comes a time in every life, when your happy place needs to be an actual physical thing that you can touch. This is not about fetishes, but about geography - square footage. It honestly doesn't need to be either lavish or large, but it should be all yours for at least a part of each day.
Cancer - This is not the time to be worrying about whether or not everyone else is doing their bit the way they should. It's not so much that you've got to mind your own patch as it is that no one is taking you seriously and if you persist they'll think you're a fanatic and not listen to a single thing you say - ever.
Leo - It might seem like you're driving an actual school bus full of actual children, but in reality those back seat drivers asking if you're there yet, are adults. And just in case you were wondering, yes they are questioning your ability to get from point A to point B. Pull over only if you want to throw them out.
Virgo - I was going to say that I hope last week's column didn't net you as much grief for being a Virgo as it did me for writing it, but I can see that you haven't even read it. You just figured that anyone who seemed a little crankier than normal was confusing you with someone who cared? Carry on then.
Libra - You don't seem to be able to make up your mind whether you want to stay in or go out. If you will allow me to suggest a compromise, why don't you go out to some place you've never been before and stay there? See, two birds with one stone. Some people call it a vacation but I don't want to scare you.
Scorpio - I'm currently reading a book by a guy called Mil Millington, entitled "Things my girlfriend and I have argued about". The Guardian said that it is funny and at the same time affectionate. I think it might be the source of some perspective for you this week. Better than gritting your teeth. I've got the library's copy but here's a free sample.
Sagittarius - Sadly it has been left to me to be the one to tell you that all those times people have asked you how you are, they really didn't want to know. Okay maybe not everybody you know is unbelievably shallow, but some of them are just constantly spouting off shit without thought or feeling. I just thought it was time you knew.
Capricorn - Don't look down! Oh not to worry, you're standing on solid ground; you just feel like you're 40 stories up. Of course the fact that all the people you see appear to be trying to talk you down is a bit odd. Those are crazy people and you should just humour them for a bit. Remember, craaaazzzy people! Whatever you do don't make any sudden moves.
Aquarius - Someone may shortly be asking you for something you don't want to give them. You're not being stingy; this is a matter of principle. You don't want to do anything that would benefit this particular individual. What if I told you that the smelly man with his hand out is trying to give you something? Would that change your mind?
Pisces - Have you got your listening ears on? I know, you say hear everything, but maybe you're just overhearing? Maybe it's time you started to actively listen. If you already have been then think about an upgrade to something a little more modern - like digital!
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