Saturday, February 28, 2009

Blogoscopes Week of March 2 to March 9, 2009

Aries - Lion/lamb - March is supposed to come in like one, and go out like the other. So what do we make of this insane weather? Well either the lion is a pothead or the lamb is carrying a holy hand grenade. One thing is certain, the promise of spring has you eager to get out and the constant barking at the door is getting a little old. Stop being silly and just stand up and turn the handle. You are quite capable of opening your own doors.

Taurus - I don't know if I've confessed this to you but I've recently developed a mania for hidden object games which I play on line as often as possible. They've had an interesting affect on my visual acuity in the real world and I suddenly find myself constantly spotting odd objects in unexpected places. Maybe you should give them a try because so far you've failed to notice that sparkly thing beckoning you from a distant shore. There is a mini-puzzle for you to solve first and time is passing quickly!

Gemini - Welcome to your personal acid trip - I mean that in a good way. You don't seem to be completely anchored to the earth at this point which will lead to some interesting discoveries for you regarding friends and relations who are trying to communicate with you and the ways in which they go about this. Your altered perceptions help you see the heart beating in one person's words, tears in an other's music. A third someone will suddenly look like a great big doo-doo head.

Cancer - I'm looking over your grocery list for the week and I see eggs, tuna, flour, save the world, toilet paper....wait back up - save the world? While there is no doubt that a conscientious approach to what we consume is laudable, I'm not sure it qualifies as saving the world. Perhaps this is an indication of a deeper longing? Before you patch the hole in your super hero tights ask yourself what it is you're really trying to save.

Leo - I'm a big believer in the idea that if I'm happy the rest of the world is happy. Well the rest of my world anyway. This works because my personal satisfaction with life allows me to share more easily and joyfully with others. So, what I'm saying is that it's time to come down and return from your mountaintop, your walk-about, your yogic explorations and get with the sharing bit. Sure it's easy to be happy when you're in heaven but give it a test drive back here on earth.

Virgo - You are the current possessor of my absolute favourite super power. You can slow down time to such an extent that you appear to be moving at the speed of light. Five minutes from now your spouse burns dinner and you've ordered Thai before the smoke alarm goes off. Your boss is unhappy with this quarter's figures and you've re-worked the spreadsheet before his blood pressure spiked. The best part of this talent? No one has any idea how you do it.

Libra - You need to clarify things with your nearest and dearest. There may have been a slight misunderstanding about mutual goals and you are much more likely to get most of your own way and avoid an argument if you slow things down and take a look at where each of you thinks you're heading. Own your part of the confusion, but no more than your part, and try to stay cool about it. At least now you know where things were going wrong and you can correct your course.

Scorpio - A few weeks down the road, you may discover that you spent this week walking around with your skirt tucked into your tights or a big gob of spinach on your teeth but you know what? So what? By the time you learn this it will be a thing of the past. Plus, you're in such a good space right now why spoil it with unnecessary self-awareness? Of course when this later knowledge arrives you will also understand why some people seem to be avoiding you lately.

Sagittarius - If there is someone you know who is just aching for a few very special words from you, I beg of you please - do not say them! I'm not questioning your sincerity. You really mean every truly affectionate bon mot that drops from your lips. The reason I ask you to wait is that you seem so overwhelmingly happy with just about everybody and every thing right now that there's a certain drunken quality to your affection that will dilute it for your audience.

Capricorn - You have some of the weirdest fantasies of anyone I know. I ask you, if your dream of being loved and admired by every person on the planet, ever came true, what would you do for an encore? More importantly, in this fantasy have you ever sketched in the details of exactly why everyone would come to love you so much? Maybe you should give some daydreaming time to that. Imagine yourself being idolized for being brave and generous. Did that change the look on any worshippers' faces?

Aquarius - You are experiencing a little spiritual PMS. You're hyper aware of that bloated cranky feeling that comes from not having fully processed your latest growth spurt. To be fair, life has been coming at you full tilt for quite some time, but that is no excuse for ignoring your deepest needs. Think of this week as one big psychic personal day. Climb into metaphorical bed, pull the metaphorical covers over your head and ignore the metaphorical world for a while. Change the sheets first.

Pisces - Let's pretend that you've got amnesia. No, this is not an opportunity to blow off any work assignments, dinner engagements or other commitments you have made. It is an opportunity to put aside your carefully constructed concept of self and see yourself as others do. Turn to the people around you and ask them to tell you who you are. Don't do this to strangers on a crowded subway car, it's okay to remember who your friends are.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Blogoscopes Week of February 23 to March 2, 2009

Aries - OK, quick, Romy or Michelle? Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Whence sprung your personal adolescent angst, and how do you wish it had turned out instead? Is this where you thought you'd be? If you don't know or just can't say, here's a hint - for good or ill, it's that thing that's on your mind just before you fall asleep every night.

Taurus - I was just thinking that there is something very Irish about Taurus and very Taurus about the Irish. That air of melancholy in the happiest moments and weird joy in the difficult ones is distinctly Taurus and something for which the Irish are famed. This week you'll be doing a lot of another Celtic Bull thing - shrugging and just getting on with it. Oh, and Ireland is a Taurus.

Gemini - Ever look at your old photos and try to remember why you took them? There was something in that moment that mattered to you even if you no longer recognize it. If you discard or delete the photo, have you also erased that moment? Does it mean anything to you now? You have an opportunity to see something that you might have missed earlier because you see it now with fresh eyes.

Cancer - Hey crabby pants, what's up with you? I am sure everybody gets that you're not happy, but I am equally certain that nobody knows why you're not happy - including you. You were in the home stretch there for a bit; ahead of the pack; so what happened? Hurdles a bit too high maybe? Course a little long hmmm? Look, life is not a race. Stop running. Concentrate on being here in stead of getting there.

Leo - You got left until the last choosing sides for dodge ball so now you wanna pout not play. Well try to see things their way. Each team wants to win right? And dodge ball is a game that requires intense concentration and agility right? And you have a tendency to get distracted by shiny things - right?. Right now you are not a good competitor. Up your game or ride the bench with a little more grace.

Virgo - Why is it called Heartburn? The burning part I get but where does the heart come into it? Anyway I mention it only to point out that you might yourself be experiencing some real heartburn this week when someone strikes an emotional spark for you. Depending on whether or not you fan the flames, you could have a cozy little fireside or a full on conflagration. Check your smoke alarms.

Libra - When you were a kid did you build leaf forts in autumn? Or did you build leaf houses like I did? What's the difference? The components of one are defense structure, ammo supplies and escape route: in the other it's furniture placement, windows and closet space. There is a third option you might consider for your leaf house - sometimes a well-defined door is all the defense you really need.

Scorpio - So you're loudly, and forcefully expressing a slightly unpopular opinion when suddenly every other sound in the room stops. Yikes, embarrassing or what? You want to avoid this but how do you do it? Well don't change your message - you may not be right but you have every right to feel the way you do. You should, however, give consideration to your delivery. Ever consider a ballad?

Sagittarius - Ever feel as though the universe is playing pinball with your life? Every time you give up, you get hit with something that throws you right back into the thick of the flashing lights and clanging bells, still with no clear idea where you're going. Why can't there just be one flashing light that says go here? Oh come on, you don't really want it to be that easy do you?

Capricorn - So you have started to bake a cake only to discover that you have none of the ingredients you need for this project. And let's just say for argument's sake that all the stores are closed. What to do? Why not borrow from your neighbours? An egg here, cup of sugar there, a little flour - no one will miss the small stuff you borrow. And when the cake is done you can share it. Aren't you smart?

Aquarius - I think it would be fair to say that most people would not attend a kegger intending to meet someone and discuss nihilism or the meaning of life. Seriously, at most parties you won't get any more philosophical than a discussion of the designated hitter rule. If you are determined to be a wet blanket consider hosting your own party and invite all the boring people you know.

Pisces - I think you would look fantastic in a pair of sparkly fairy wings! They suit your mood of magic benevolence and make it easier to travel from one good deed to the next. Consider a full-on Tinkerbell costume, because when reality bursts your bubble - and you know it will - you can easily repair your optimism with some fairy dust and a little applause. This is in no way meant as an endorsement of hallucinogenics.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Blogoscopes Week of February 16 to 23, 2009

Aries - It may be time for you to check out a new playground: something a little further from home maybe: with abundant flora and friendly fauna. When you find it cast your eye about for some new playfellows. In the past you have been happy to spend solitary afternoons on the swings or the slide, but the hour is ripe for you to have a go on the teeter-totter.

Taurus - I'm issuing a challenge to all you Taurus out there.....I dare you to stop looking at the ground when you walk. Sure you know where you're headed but do you know why? Honestly if you can't lift your eyes and look at where you are on your journey there really doesn't seem to be any point in continuing does there? Of course goals and destinations are important, but so is the scenery. Heads up.

Gemini - Not that you've fallen in with a bad crowd, because you haven't, but what you have done is found yourself in the company of individuals so congenial and interesting that you will try anything to perpetuate this glorious happy feeling. Ask yourself which makes you happier - earning a living, or buying matching purple sequined crocs for all your friends? Not judging, just saying.

Cancer - You've given it a lot of thought lately and you feel absolutely certain that you're ready to take off the training wheels. Not long ago this would have seemed impossible, but now your confidence is high, probably due to your creative visualizations and practice. Start slowly - no free styling - and resist the urge to show off in case you fall off. Now go have fun.

Leo - A couple of years ago, I became convinced that all of my Libra friends had been kidnapped by aliens, or worse, stopped reading my blogoscopes. They were eventually returned unharmed after having wandered away from the group on a tour of the M.C. Escher museum. I'm wondering what weird sort of place you've wandered into and until I hear from you I'm going to be signalling the mother ship every night.

Virgo - What goes around, comes around; you reap what you sow; a bird in the hand is ....oops where was I? Oh yes, you shouldn't really be surprised at what is happening in your world right now. Experiencing a cosmic accident or achieving a life dream, this is not what you expected. It's way more. The sooner you realize that this truly is yours the easier it gets.

Libra - Alright, the Oscars are coming up and I don't want you to make the same mistakes you made on the red carpet at the Grammys. Invisible is not a good look for you: no one will interview you and people will sit on you at the after parties. Let's get a little colour and some glam going here. For the next week, I want you to practice being stared at and liking it!

Scorpio - There should be a voicemail service where you can leave yourself long wordy messages when ever you want. You could be walking down the street and get a great idea, dial this number and tell it everything. Forget the 30 second memo stuff you get on cells and MP3's, forget three minutes messages, this would have some serious minutes. You might have time to forget yourself and speak your heart.

Sagittarius - It won't matter in the slightest what you get done or don't get done these days because you will still have the feeling that there's something really important that you've neglected to do. You'll either run around like a chicken with your head cut off asking every body if they know what you've forgotten, or brood while gnawing on a hang nail and snarling. Who's a ray of sunshine?

Capricorn - So you signed up for Frisbee golf and some how ended up in a beginners class on boomerang golf. This is a very complicated game and frankly you suck at it. Not that your classmates are any better - in fact you're too busy ducking other people's throws to have a chance of catching your own. How the hell did this happen? You best just assume that it's a dream and get it interpreted.

Aquarius - So here's how your own personal meet/cute will play out in the week ahead. You do something scandalous. You're an overnight sensation, the press are hounding you and there's no where for you to be alone. You sneak out the back door, bump in to a cub reporter, convince him/her that you're not the droid s/he seeks. Where confusion goes can hilarity be far behind? You'll live happily ever after.

Pisces - I think it's in every body's best interests for you to go to your time out chair for a little while. You're over tired, probably haven't eaten properly today and you're a little inclined to get cranky, possibly even pushy. Now I want you to go to your chair and just think about what's really going on here. I've made you a sandwich and here's your blankie. I'll wake you up for Y&R.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Blogoscopes Week of February 9 to 16, 2009

Aries - Quick, off the top of your head, name three places where it would be completely inappropriate to laugh or to shag. Now, unless you're feeling particularly devil may care these days avoid those places for the next week. If any of the three is a place within your own home, look up the meaning of inappropriate.

Taurus - Your current Game Master is a goof; no clue about settings and wouldn't know a dragon from a dwarf. The goals are either ludicrously easy or impossibly arcane and no one is enjoying this. Time for you to stage a coup. You know you've got the goods so take control and create a new plot. Just remember that is is only a game. Don't take it so seriously.

Gemini - My grandmother used to say she could predict the weather by her sciatica. Impending bad news she could "feel in {her} waters" - I try not to think about what that means. You may be feeling similar warning twinges in your psychic bone this week and you would be well advised to heed them. That flickering in your peripheral vision is a steep drop.

Cancer - This would be a good time for you to take one of those mystery bus tours. You know the ones I mean right? You join a group of like-minded strangers (or fellow Rotarians), board a big bus for a day trip whose ultimate destination is unknown to all but the driver and the tour organizer. I predict that you'll be the one to convince the truck stop waitress that she does have seating for 53.

Leo - You're in the mood to buy some new bling. It must be tasteful and elegant but also unique and eye catching. You realize that your baubles say a lot about who you are and you need to choose carefully. Which is why you should wait a bit because right now you would either blow a wad on something you will ultimately hate, or drive the sales people crazy while you try to make up your mind.

Virgo - You're apt to spend the next few days believing that you're only dreaming what's happening around you but being quite content to relax and enjoy it in the meantime. This is good because it's not that dream where you're naked in history class, and the release that stems from this perceived lack of consequences will be the creative energy behind some of your best ideas ever.

Libra - So you're cooking a four course meal - yes I know but bear with me for a moment - and no one ever told you that you shouldn't have all four courses ready at the same time. No worries, just slap the chocolate mousse right down there beside the brussel sprouts and throw a little gravy on the salad. All of which should serve to remind you that when you must do it yourself, find instructions.

Scorpio - I'm looking at your chart this week and thinking what a brilliant idea - combine James Joyce's Ulysses with Mr. Magoo - wandering around blindly using your outside voice to describe your inner stuff. For some reason this is having a positive effect on your world - enjoy it.

Sagittarius - Someone close to you doesn't like your moustache. You've know this for a long time and it's never been a really big deal. Lately you've taken to playing with it, publicly grooming it, even waxing it all in order to evoke a response. Stop before you get what you want. It's become an issue; it needs to be addressed - sensitively. Some people simply have issues and it's best not to sneer.

Capricorn - Have I suggested Interpretive Dance Classes to you lately? Sorry if this is a rerun, but really you need to find a new way of communicating and I think this is the perfect medium for your message. You've already tried reasoning, threatening and begging and look where that got you. At the very least you should confuse and confound the buggers.

Aquarius - Now is the time for some real diva behaviour. The lighting is insipid, the sound track uninspired and your co-star reeks of garlic! You cannot possibly be expected to turn in a perfomance under these conditions so throw a fit and stalk off. If you're new at this (by which I mean self-deluded) wait until you're locked in your trailer to start yelling abuse.

Pisces - You probalby don't know it yet, but in the very near future you're going to need to ask someone for help. No big deal, could be lifting a box, driving you to the airport, lending you a fiver: but while it may seem like a small thing to you, the person you're asking may not see it that way. They certainly won't share your view if you spend all your time abusing them.