Blogoscopes Week of December 29, 2008 to January 5, 2009

Aries - You're hosting this year's New Year's Eve party which means you have only a few days to decorate the house, organize the food and practice counting backward from ten - prioritize these anyway you see fit. Forget about sending out invites, everyone will be showing up at your place anyway.

Taurus - You suddenly discover that someone has been calling your name for about least forty eight hours. Yes they did ask you a question and yes they are expecting an answer. Buy yourself time by flashing a smile and asking your own question. When that doesn't work - and it won't - just admit that you weren't paying attention.

Gemini - Snorkeling and scuba diving are very different activities. Snorkeling provides an opportunity to watch the sun sparkle on coral, to swim with shoals of brightly coloured fish and play with rays. Scuba is what you do when you want to see an octopus. Fill your tank for a dive but beware of the tentacles in dark places.

Cancer - If you're hosting a holiday meal, whether in home or out, make sure that you've got enough to go around. It's great to be generous and open handed with friends and loved ones, especially at this time of year, but you don't want to find yourself short on turkey or cash. Double check your recipes to avoid embarrassment.

Leo - In line for a bus on Christmas eve, I heard a guy behind me hailing every thing as a Christmas miracle. The bus arrived - Christmas miracle. The bus departed - Christmas miracle. You and I have to face the fact that not every one wants to be rational. Finding the strength to avoid smacking them - Christmas miracle.

Virgo - You're a little bit like Dr. Doolittle's Pushmi-pullyu these days, trying to go in two directions at once and generally settling for not going anywhere at all. Relax, just give in to it and enjoy the stasis. Less rushing around means that more gets done and when your friends come calling they're sure to find you at home.

Libra - Someone really should train a dog or a monkey or some animal that can be your guide and helper for those times when you drift off into the world of daydreams and are prone to wandering out into traffic. It would be a bonus if that helper were also able to speak on your behalf even if only to tell pests to bugger off.

Scorpio - If it's not broke don't fix it. If you just can't keep yourself from meddling then the whole thing will be destroyed before too long. Hairline cracks will become gigantic fault lines if you keep obsessing. Can't leave it alone? Stop picking and take a hammer to it - that way at least you'll know it's broken.

Sagittarius - There is no doubt that when you're right you're right. Or at least there's no doubt that when you believe you're right there's no changing your mind. This week you'll meet someone whose view point tallies so closely with your own that you believe them to be a messiah. Be sure you're not talking to your reflection.

Capricorn - You're in a sticky situation: you're less than certain that you're doing the right thing, and your role models have gone away on vacation leaving you with no guide to illuminate the path. You can just do nothing until they get back or you can decide for yourself what's your best course of action - oooh, scary.

Aquarius - There's a better than average chance that you'll be trying to help out a homeless guy this week and suddenly find yourself in trouble when he turns out to be an undercover cop who misunderstands your offers of assistance. Stay in the real world, talk less than normal and be careful whose hand you take.

Pisces - Give it up. Whatever it is you're trying to sell no one will be buying. You just look as though you're playing some adorable children's version of capitalism and democracy. Many will be drawn to what they view as your eccentricity, no one will be alienated, but you will be incredibly frustrated.

Blogoscopes, Week of December 22 to 29, 2008

Aries - Best Gift: Handheld GPS Unit so you don't have to worry about where you're going. New Year's Resolution: Watch your posture. Dancing will correct that stoop.

Taurus - Best Gift: A crate of pink glow sticks so that wherever you go things look rosy. New Year's Resolution: Join a local choir. Your voice needs to be heard.

Gemini - Best Gift: A loom - the tedium of the shuttle creating the warp and woof of beautiful fabric. New Year's Resolution: Less planning, more daydreaming.

Cancer - Best Gift: A puppet theatre - a taste of power and a chance to speak the unspeakable. New Year's Resolution: Say 'no' more often and mean it.

Leo - Best Gift: Trapeze lessons - perfect the art of putting your feet up - also a pound of licorice. New Year's Resolution: Improve self-esteem - yes really.

Virgo - Best Gift: Tap shoes so you can begin to save the world through interpretive dance. New Year's Resolution: Let other people do some of the work.

Libra - Best Gift: Local phrase book, so you can understand what the people around you are saying. New Year's Resolution: No more mixing of booze and pranks.

Scorpio - Best Gift: Gold plated 'Get Out of Jail Free' card - wear it everywhere. New Year's Resolution: Audition for role on 24, learn to use chopsticks.

Sagittarius - Best Gift: Wii American Idol - find out if you've truly got what it takes. New Year's Resolution: Get tuxedo from dry cleaners, buy martini shaker.

Capricorn - Best Gift: Binoculars so you can clearly see what's right under your nose. New Year's Resolution: Spend more time looking down nose.

Aquarius - Best Gift: A two headed coin insures there's absolutely no way you can lose. New Year's Resolution: Stop compulsively checking bank balance.

Pisces - Best Gift: Personal dirigible with your name blazoned on the side - perfect for buzzing around town. New Year's Resolution: Wear more red.

Blogoscopes week of December 15 to 22, 2008

Aries - Thankfully the weather is still cold enough to require wearing a hat because I can tell you right now that not everyone is going to love that new hairdo you're sporting. Try to deal with people at arms length for a few days - phone, email, letters; but it won't be possible to avoid all human contact so you should have a handy tam.

Taurus - Heads up! I want you to be prepared just in case the ghost of Christmas past comes for you this week. You are not a Scrooge, this spectre just wants to reminisce - which is fine up to a point. Take control, lead the way, carry only one bottle of wine and get a friend to phone you a 1/2hour before you have to leave.

Gemini - This is just wrong - there is so much you need to get done and everyone is being highly obstructive. Well they're not really getting in your way it's more like they've abandoned you to get on with things by yourself, which is mean because they know you can't do this without them. Do they know? And do you need them?

Cancer - You really want that red car. Really. Want. Red. It's hardly even about the car at this point, it's just about the red. No one had better tell you that you can't have the red. Red says a lot about you - if you want to let yourself be so narrowly defined. Have you considered pink? Ah, see how nice that is?

Leo - You are very creative. You've got a vivid imagination, a good eye and a keen sense of drama. But I certainly would not call what you're doing now 'art'. No my dear, it's not research for a role either. Everything tastes good with rum and chip dip comes in a million flavours. Just admit it - you're goofing off.

Virgo - You may be tempted to volunteer to work in a soup kitchen this holiday season. That's very kind of you but chances are the you'll get distracted with business calls and drop your blackberry in the chicken noodle. Put your talents to better use by organizing all your friends to do the work while you supervise.

Libra - Wear headphones. Plug them into something portable with a long play list and don't take them off until next week. Things are changing all around you right now. Big things, little things, in a good way and as if by magic. The reason I suggest the phones is that some changes make disturbing sounds. Try not to listen.

Scorpio - Bubble baths, quiet music, pleasant conversation with close friends, afternoon naps and perhaps a visit to an art gallery; schedule your week around this kind of activity and then near the weekend, when you've lulled your brain into a stupor have that chat with you-know-who. Be relaxed, be honest. Repeat as needed.

Sagittarius - A crowd is chasing you down the street. Depending on what time of day it is you can be convinced that they're all trying to stop you; that they all want an autograph; or that everybody - including you - thinks you're shooting a musical. Truly? They're trying to tell you your back wheel fell off. Ah who cares?

Capricorn - Have you ever heard of the witness protection program? Just kidding; it seems that wherever you are at the moment is where the action is. Which is why I'm going to suggest that you relocate the happening to someone else's home. You've got enough going on in your world without getting stuck with the clean up too.

Aquarius - Everybody is watching you right now. Most of them don't have any idea what it is they're looking at or why they're watching you, but that won't stop them from noticing if you make the slightest mistake. Fortunately for you, you're at your best when you're at your worst. Just try not to blind them.

Pisces - You know how sometimes you just know something and you can't explain how you know it? Not psychic gifts, but just knowing how you feel even when it defies all logic; it's an unshakable certainty. Which is why I stand behind you now and fully support your refusal to eat that icky stuff even if it's good for you.

Blogoscopes Week of December 8 to 15, 2008

Aries - You are currently facing one of the toughest decisions of your life! Should you go shopping and buy something special for your self or should you lie on the couch eating Cheetos and watching TV all day? This is what the Internet was created for. You can choose to lie on the couch eating Cheetos and shop on-line during commercial breaks! Create your own a perfect world.

Taurus - This week you will have one of those dreams where you're running as fast as you can and still getting nowhere. It might help if while you're dreaming you can find a way to ask yourself where it is exactly that you are running to. I know, these dreams rarely have that kind of logic but try it anyway. There's every chance that you're already on the bus you're trying to catch.

Gemini - I have what I like to think is a dirty little secret. I love trashy Pop Culture Garbage. Love It! The Superficial writer is my future-ex husband and I'm cheating on him with Perez Hilton. But where else could you find such perfectly pithy wit....hmmm?

Cancer - Hey I didn't make the Zodiac so don't blame me for the fact that you're always following Geminis around and getting their cast offs. I'd be crabby too. Try not to think second-hand, think valet service. Like having someone to to break in your new shoes for you; test drive your cars; raise your kids - something helpful like that. There can be a bright side you know.

Leo - Ever consider taking a course? Not talking degree stuff here, what about hip hop lessons? How do you feel about clay? When was the last time you finger painted? Pick something funky because this is the only conceivable means by which you are going to get your point across. Hey when nobody's listening abstract expressionism is the only way to go. Try Jazz!

Virgo - Shit wouldn't everything be great right now if everyone else in the entire f#@*ing universe would just shut the f@#* up and listen to you. Because really, aside from the existence of all the other humans on the planet, your life is pretty f@#*ing fantastic right now. You might almost say it's hardcore. You're hardcore. That's right baby, I'm talkin to you.

Libra - Okay so someday soon you're going to get drunk and tell something you shouldn't to someone you don't know; like maybe that you're a welder, or that you play in a Zydeco band or that you invented time travel. These are the kind of stories that come back to haunt you. Hey if you really want to play washboard then you should play washboard.

Scorpio - You're showing an alarming tendency to get lost in the crackle of your VHS fireplace: or maybe it's the bubbling of your blu-ray aquarium. It could just as easily be the lint in your carpet, but be aware that staring will not make it change. At least not so's you'd notice. Which means you could be here a long time. Snap out of it - not right this minute, but soon-ish.

Sagittarius - Happy Birthday Robert You don't look a day over 35! Sure the Tilt-a-Whirl looks like fun, but just try a solid 24 hours on the thing and tell me how much you like it. Lights flashing, bells ringing, tilts whirling. So you've been on this thing a while and the whirling and tilting is getting a bit old. I hear you, but, word of advice - don't get off the ride until it comes to a complete stop.

Capricorn - Hey grumpy bear! Oh for sure you're pissed off. How are you expected to give yourself a good talking to if other people keep interrupting with their stupid shit? Why not try having your inner debate in your outside voice? The way you talk to yourself would scare the hell out of most people. Whip 'em right into shape.

Aquarius - You're trying to make eye contact with the cutie across the room and that damned pillar keeps blocking your line of sight. I understand that this is aggravating for you but can we just consider for a moment the fact that pillars don't move? If there's something standing in your way, maybe it's you. Or just maybe the cutie is dodging you and your raincloud.

Pisces - Somethings are both more and less than what they seem to be. Which is why it's good to have choices. You can avoid that too much of one/not enough of another syndrome by dipping into life's buffet and then going back for more of what you liked. Turn your world into an all-you-can-eat salad bar just for you (that means no sneeze guard is needed).

Blogoscopes, Week of December 1 to 8, 2008

Aries - You might not feel like the most social creature this December. You're like a backwards bear stumbling out from hibernation just in time to watch everyone you know slip into dream land. Perfect timing; here is your opportunity to tell everybody just exactly what you think of them with no fear of being interrupted or contradicted. They're asleep, not dead: parts of what you say will sink in. You can't control which parts, so speak clearly, but speak carefully.

Taurus - In the immortal words of Harry Nilsson, everybody's talking at you, but you don't hear a word they're saying. Obviously they're not hearing you either. That's a shame. You have something important to tell them. My best advice is to stop talking. They won't buy what you're peddling until you understand why they think they don't want it. You can easily overcome any and all objections, but only if you know what they are. And if you don't shout.

Gemini - I can't say for certain, but I imagine that the floor of the Grand Canyon is not a terrific place for cell phone reception. I've never seen Mr. Can-you-hear-me-now down there have you? Which means that you're going to have to find some other means of conversing with those gawkers on the canyon rim. A go-between might be your best bet. Slow for sure but probably the only way you'll get your point across. Unless you can yodel in code.

Cancer - There are times when the only way to make people understand just how upset and frustrated you are is to thrash about on the ground, kicking and screaming and pummelling the earth with your fists. Then there are times when you should just slip away quietly with a close friend and confidante and tell them how you're feeling. Either one will have the desired result, I guess your choice depends on whether you can stand being called a big baby for the rest of your life.

Leo - You got so excited when your team won that you enthusiastically kissed a stranger at the end of play. And now you will never hear the end of it. Everybody is going on and on about what you did and how it made them feel and while you'd really like to help them feel better about it you don't know how. Do not under any circumstances try to talk yourself out of this. The problem is theirs not yours.
Put on your headphones and wait it out. They'll stop eventually.

Virgo - Check the fine print before you sign up for another one of these things will you? A dude ranch cattle drive may sound like fun at first, but you have to travel with the group and they don't always do things right. There is one way and one way only for you to turn this excursion into something that works for you, and that's to take over the leadership. Do your research, sell them on the highlights and be kind to everybody. You don't want anyone calling this a mutiny.

Libra - Everybody wants an answer these days and in most cases they are either unprepared or unable to supply a question in order to obtain that answer. To the rescue - Psychic Libra (imagine an echoey effect). Faster than a speeding Kreskin, able to make large problems disappear with a single word, Psychic Libra knows how to fix your problems before you even know you have them. Sound daunting? Not really, all you have to do is show up and look wise - the rest will take care of itself.

Scorpio - Be careful who you talk to. You can get so wrapped up in talking about your on going drama that you may find yourself - hypothetically speaking - telling an undercover narcotics officer about the difficulty you're having with your current drug dealer whose name is Blank and who lives at Blank Blank. See how that could be a problem? There is no doubt that you've got stuff to get off your chest, but try to be a little more circumspect about who you share with.

Sagittarius - Do you have a headache? Feel as though something has been repeatedly hitting you over the head for some time now? You're absolutely right - the thing, person, situation you've been seeking so avidly has been following around behind you for so long now that she/he/it has given up on words and resorted to crude gestures. Want the pain to stop? Turn around, look he/she/it straight in the eye and tell it/her/him exactly what you want. It's that easy.

Capricorn - If a bear was lying around on a Sunday afternoon, peacefully minding his own business and enjoying his free time, would anyone in their right mind walk up to him and poke him with a stick? Would anyone interrupt a tiger while it was eating dinner? No! I know you don't want a reputation as a vicious killing machine (not allthe time), but you should at least master a look that would wordlessly tell people that you want them to leave you alone. Until then hang a sign on your door.

Aquarius - One of our tribe took my advice last week and posted a secret - to me. I wondered, briefly, if I might have logged on and written it in my sleep. Aquarius is tapped in to the universal mind like a redneck syphoning gas - it's definitely not something you can admit to everyone. In the days ahead, the voices will become more numerous and much louder. Try not to make sense of it. Read that again. The sooner you stop listening the sooner you can hear.

Pisces - I think that elevators have been greatly underestimated as a therapeutic tool. Just a normal elevator, going about its daily business - up and down with people getting on and off alternating long periods of emptiness. You're not allowed out until you resolve things. What do you think would be the final straw? Would it be the constant motion, the enclosed space, the incessant interruptions, the bells? Or would it be that voice endlessly telling you exactly where you are?

Blogoscopes Week of November 23 to 30, 2008

Aries - If you're not a Lord of the Rings fan then this will probably mean nothing to you, but here goes: you are about to enter the ruins of the ancient Dwarvish kingdom of Moria. There are no other roads forward and the way back is blocked. You must brave the cavernous dark and fight off the monsters you meet along the way. The best way to survive? Keep your sword ready, remember that you have a higher purpose and stop daydreaming about the cute elf.

Taurus - Have you ever wondered whether you might be speaking in tongues? Do you occasionally find the people you are conversing with gaping at you slack jawed and confused? If you have an important point to make you should know that not everyone can keep up with your thinking. Perhaps you should consider writing things down; like a contract. It has the double bonus of forcing you to slow down just a little, and of giving others something to refer to when they lose the plot.

Gemini - I've always been fascinated by the idea of the Grand Bazaar in Istanbul; After all, I love shopping and it is the world's oldest mall. You will notice that I said I'm fascinated by the idea. I'm not so sure I could cope with the reality. And with the bargaining skills you are about to exhibit, I would say neither could you. Remember, when you are trying to negotiate a deal the idea is that you pay less and get more, not the other way around.

Cancer - Our sleeping minds can present us with answers to issues we struggle with in waking hours. This week you could dream that you move to a developing nation where your incredible abilities bring an end to hunger and violence. You dream will also show you how to save the environment, cure the common cold and find lost socks. Hang on to the good feelings this engenders because when you wake up all you'll remember is "cabbage soup".

Leo - In the near future when your neighbour asks to borrow your power tools, it would be best not to have said tools in your hand when you deny any knowledge of their where-abouts. Be honest and up front about your current need to use the power tools and tell your neighbour to come back in a few weeks. An important corollary to this is that you really do need the tools; there's work to be done so charge up that drill and get to it.

Virgo - When we're busy we often say we have enough on our plate or we have a full plate. It's an expression that seems to suggest that our responsibilities are the food that fuels our lives. Your plate is certainly full and although it may look like it's simply heaped with green stuff, it's actually a mound of peas. You may not be crazy about peas, but I predict that in typical Virgo fashion you will devour them all one pea at a time.

Libra - There's a new moon coming up later this week and in anticipation, preparation and celebration you appear to be making some sweeping changes to your life. You know better than anyone else exactly what you need at this time so by all means make your plans, gather in your supplies and ready yourself in mind, body and spirit for the coming of the new you. But be warned! Painting your front door fuchsia will cause shock, not judgement.

Scorpio - You are shiny. In fact you are even a tad sparkly. This should prove interesting. You know all the scary things that people say about Scorpios - yes you do. Well you're about to experience the shoe-on-the-other-foot syndrome. Intense interest in you - who are you, where do you come from, what's your favourite colour, can I buy you a car - will become the order of the day. Fun? Yes. Scary? Just a little. Can you handle it? Piece of cake.

Sagittarius - You've done your research, spent hours in the library, honed your prose and completed a dozen proof readings. In other words you've finished your homework. You can be excused for being just a bit smug. You've done a good job. However, be careful that you don't try to take a tenth grade essay to a post-grad doctoral exam. Sure it's a good book report, but not everybody will be sympathetic when you discover your dog really has eaten it.

Capricorn - Imagine that you are able to read people's minds at will. You can tune in and tune out whenever you feel like it. Wouldn't that be great? Okay now imagine that by mind reading you've accidentally discovered an individual who is potentially your soul mate. Will this knowledge that you have acquired help you in any way to establish and build a relationship with this person? I doubt it. See sometimes it's best not to know.

Aquarius - I just read a book based on an Internet phenomenon called "Post Secrets". This guy gave out postcards all over the place with the instructions to write a secret on it and mail it to him. The secret had to be yours, had to be true and had to be written concisely enough that it fit on a postcard. It's like a confessional with total anonymity, no judging and no legal or religious stuff to cloud the issue. You should try it.

Pisces - You're ticked off. At who or what? You don't know. Well okay you do know but you don't feel that you have the right to be ticked off at that particular person or situation. Guess again. You have every right to feel displeasure the problem stems from your inability to correctly identify the root of your feelings. You're best course of action here would be to hunker down in protective mode rather than donning armour and riding out to battle.

Blogoscopes Week of November 17 to 24, 2008

Aries - Have you ever thought about going into therapy? No seriously, I don't think you're crazy. At least not any crazier than anybody else, but it never hurts to have someone you feel free to tell all your secrets to. I just don't think you're gonna believe any one you haven't paid money to. Believe me when I say that someone should be paying you to tell them what is the what.

Taurus - So you spilled your Shiraz at a friend's birthday party. You feel embarrassed and believe that you should be paying to clean or replace the rug. Let me just say that no one - and I mean no one - in their right mind combines white carpet with a house party. If anyone is at fault here it's your host. Besides, it's shag and must be 30 years old. You did them a favour.

Gemini - The absolute worst thing ever to happen to anyone in the history of the world is when you have a shower schedule all worked out and someone jumps the queue. The second worst is when they don't get in the shower when they're supposed to and you wonder whether taking your turn at your usual time makes you a bad person when you know that - oh to hell with it, just go dirty.

Cancer - Tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are. More specifically, look at who your friends are and discover something about yourself. You may find this confusing right now since you seem to be buddy buddy with some unusual people...or are you just pretending? So tell me who your fake friends are and I'll tell you where you're fake.

Leo - I frequently tell people that it is not selfish to look after their own needs. Right now, everyone needs you and you can't afford to be worn out when so much seems to be riding on your shoulders. Okay so when you're holding court this week, grant everyone their wishes, but don't be afraid to fuck with their heads a little when you do. What?

Virgo - Mother Theresa you are not, but that won't stop you this week from selling your line of blessings and absolution on e-bay. You've got some excess smarts running around in your head and it would be better for everybody if they could be used for good instead of evil. The on-line auction covers both ends of the spectrum; just steer clear of selling relics.

Libra - Where in the world did you put that thing? No ideas, but I predict that you are about to find a whole bunch of other stuff while you're looking for the thing. I often find shoes when I'm looking for sunglasses, and sunglasses when I seek rice. There's no scientific proof of a connection beyond my housekeeping habits but try it and if it works for you too I'll patent it.

Scorpio - If you have an evil plan for world domination now would be the time to bring it out. You've got the energy and the drive to single-handedly conquer the universe, PLUS, you've got a bunch of stooges lined up waiting to do your dirty work. Just remember that as a rule, stooges aren't too bright. Be specific and detailed in your instructions.

Sagittarius - You are an unusual human being in many ways, not least of which is the fact that you are one of the few on this earth who are not for sale at any price. When you believe in something, there is nothing that can buy you off or make you sell your principles. Or maybe there is and there just haven't been enough zeros yet. Ooh is this your inner whore?

Capricorn - Your life resembles the 1970's cold war at the moment. There's a lot of animosity but no one wants to admit it. On the surface it's all detente and glasnost, but underneath it's espionage and double agents. There's only one way to handle this. Don a turtleneck and a beret and challenge your opponent to martinis at dawn. Shaken not stirred, of course.

Aquarius - There's a definite trick to calling in sick for work. First of all you have to decide to do it. Then you have to pick a time to call in and a believable disease. Once you've perfected your sick voice, left a message and gone back to bed, the challenge is to remind yourself that you're not actually sick. Hell how else are you going to enjoy that free time?

Pisces - Scientists this week discover a beast previously thought to have become extinct several millenia ago, the mysterious raptor, Pickafight. It is generally believed that this creature refused to acknowledge it's own motivations or to be responsible for any of its aggressive behaviours and it died out when all the other beast staged an intervention.

Blogscopes Week of November 10 to 17, 2008

Aries - This week you should try to have a peanut butter sandwich always on hand. You don't have to eat it but it should have a bite out of it and then when friends come to you seeking answers for unexpectedly disturbing questions you can claim to have your mouth full and stall for time.

Taurus - You'll soon be forced to re-examine everything you believe when you discover a pair of socks you didn't know you owned. Seriously though, you can take this "a place for everything and everything in it's place" stuff a little too far. Relax and let the socks fall where they may.

Gemini - You might want to get some help with applying your sunscreen. You can't reach everywhere and sand sticks to your hands and it's just so annoying. In fact it can really push your buttons. Don't be the freak on the beach. Let someone else get their hand dirty.

Cancer - They say there's no 'I' in team and athletes always seem anxious not to be seen trying to take all the credit for a win. Even golfers are always thanking someone else and saying they couldn't do it alone. It's great to play well with others, but there is an 'I' in champion.

Leo - There's a lot of fuss about world markets these days and everybody is wondering about the financial future. Well the only advice I can give you about this is don't invest in Popsicles. Sure, they're pretty colours and they taste good, but they don't last.

Virgo - I used to catch my grandmother talking to herself and she would justify it by saying that she was addressing the smartest person in the room. It was funny when I was nine, it would be offensive now. Watch what you say to yourself this week, someone else may take umbrage.

Libra - I have a vague memory of speaking to you about charades at some point but I can't remember when it was so you probably can't either. My point is that you need to be very careful about how you communicate these days and hand gestures are not likely going to be your best bet.

Scorpio - When I was in university I had a chance to take an elective course in a subject that fascinated me. The professor had an odd physical feature that was as fascinating as it was grotesque and I was so distracted that I got nothing from the class. Don't let this happen to you.

Sagittarius - Life is good right now and when you find yourself feeling so happy that you spontaneously burst into song, not only will there be back up singers handy, but a passing orchestra will stop to accompany you and a nearby film crew will capture the whole thing for posterity.

Capricorn - If you're feeling the least bit unsure about something, it's not a bad idea to get it in writing. Especially if you're not certain that everyone is on board with your decisions. Make sure your waitress has a pen and a pad of paper if you want to have the lunch you ordered.

Aquarius - Impromptu parties are the best kind. You save yourself weeks of worrying about guest lists, menus, decorations and the like. So much better to just suddenly find yourself with a house full of fun. The only drawback of course is that you haven't prearranged a time for the party to end.

Pisces - Do you know why bears hibernate? It's not because of the cold - they're covered in fur. Okay think now, why do we use the term 'grumpy old bear' instead of 'grumpy old hamster'? Bears hibernate because this is their grumpy time of year and you would do well to emulate them.

Blogoscopes Week of November 3 to 10, 2008

Aries - This week you discover why it is that money can't buy happiness. It's because if you win the lottery all the people who have hurt and upset you in the past will come out of the woodwork with their hands out. It might be briefly gratifying to deny them a dime, but in the long run no matter how rich you are they are still assholes and will talk trash about you anyway. Save your dough and shower them with kindness instead. That'll teach them.

Taurus - Have you ever had one of those dreams where you are with a large group of people - friends and strangers - and you find it impossible to communicate with any of them? It's almost worse than the not being able to run dream, because it's as if you're invisible. You can stand face to face with your nearest and dearest and they don't even see you let alone hear you. Welcome to your week. Resist the urge to set fire to any one's pants, but fantasize about it if it helps.

Gemini - Three things to keep in mind when borrowing big sister's clothes: you wear different sizes, she hasn't even worn it yet, and, most importantly, you might look better in it than she does. If you don't have a big sister - ESPECIALLY if you don't have a big sister - pay attention to some one who seems to feel you've been messing with their wardrobe. You don't mean to outshine and you don't need to be self-effacing, just realize you will get the bill for the dry cleaning.

Cancer - If a Cancerian had been in charge of naming the months of the year, today would be the 3rd of Big Wussy. What are you a girl? Oh well yes, some of you are so okay. You are one of nature's special children; a delicate flower, too refined and too sensitive for this hard, harsh world. It is essential that you be protected, and a little pampering never hurt either. Be kind to You and allow yourself a treat! You deserve it! Feel better now? Wuss.

Leo - Hey nice car, what did you pay for that car? I'm just asking, no need to bite my head off. So you won it in a poker game, that's great, lucky you. I mean smart, smart you not lucky, poker is a game of skill not luck and you got skills. Yes it is annoying of me to go on like this isn't it so let me just ask you one last thing; did you win any cash at the table? Will the money stretch to groceries this week? And what about gas for that fine automobile? First things first my dear.

Virgo - We definitely need to figure out some alternative form of therapy for you because walking down the street by yourself while conversing with all the voices in your head is not going to work for much longer. People are staring and muttering, some are even trying to make eye contact. They all think you're nuts. The least you can do is buy one of those blue-tooth earphone thingies and try to look as though you're talking to real people.

Libra - Sometimes your life is exactly like a marathon of Murder She Wrote reruns. Your wardrobe is understated and appropriate. You have interesting and wealthy friends who adore you. You travel the world doing things you love and helping those in peril along the way. You know that everything will work out in the end. Most importantly, you never believe the detective in charge of the case, no matter how convincing he is. You know better.

Scorpio - Take extra care this week not to fall asleep under the sun lamp. If there's one thing worse than the pain of sunburn, it's the embarrassment of having a sunburn in November and knowing that in a few weeks time, your partner will be regaling everyone at the company Christmas party with the private and most humiliating aspects of your discomfort. The worst is yet to come when you find your self re-telling those stories with a whine in your voice.

Sagittarius - In the battle for your soul, Satan is currently ahead by a nose. You shouldn't feel guilty about this, he's had a couple of undercover agents of darkness inserted into your life. They're hot, and therefore impossible to resist. Also, the only force facing off against this axis of evil is Glinda the Good and it will take more than a tiara and a fairy wand to score a victory here. Don't worry, the dark side isn't all bad and it's not like you'll be alone.

Capricorn - You should really consider having a hot tub installed in your living room. Yes it would be incredibly expensive, not to mention tacky and just plain weird. Still, I'm sure your parents used to have one just like it which they removed shortly before you were born. It would be a wonderful way to experience that return to the womb feeling and still be on hand to entertain when people drop by. The fact that it's also a great conversation piece is just a bonus.

Aquarius - Eeyore is my least favourite of the inhabitants of the 100 acre wood. I could never understand how he remained so gloomy when he obviously lived in a magical place with wonderful friends. Nor could I see why Pooh and Piglet and Tigger and Roo would put up with him. I do believe that this gave him a strange kind of strength stemming from the belief that no matter what anyone did it was all shit. It's a Nietzschean view point you might care to adopt - short term.

Pisces - If you 've recently been masquerading as a brain surgeon you may discover that someone you met and tried to impress is about to call your bluff. No one will be asking you to perform a lobotomy, but there may be a test to see if you know the brain surgeons' secret handshake. It might be best for you to come clean and admit the misunderstanding, but if I know you, you'll either front like mad or make up some reason to leave town for a while. Perhaps Médecins sans Frontières?

Blogoscopes Week of October 27 to Novemer 3, 2008

Aries - No idea what you might be for Halloween this year but whatever you decide should include a full face mask and just the tiniest chance that someone else at the party will have the same costume. That way when you and your partner try to find each other during the course of the evening, it will be have to be something other than your face that gives you away. Exercise caution and unmask before the two of you do anything silly.

Taurus - A few years back I was invited to a Halloween party where friends hoped to set me up with the host. Things looked promising when he appeared dressed as Hunter S. Thompson. Things went south when I discovered that he'd only seen the movie. No one else at the party got it. They all called him beach dude. See he was too smart and then just not smart enough. You want to watch that.

Gemini - I'm recommending that this year for Halloween you dress as an oracle. Beyond Greeks and togas, I'm not sure what that looks like but you'll think of something. The point is that you currently have the power to talk the paint off a Porsche and you can use that to earn yourself a little do re mi. The catch is that you can only do it in costume. It's not about convincing your listeners, it's about convincing yourself.

Cancer - I remember the only time I ever played Pictionary, and every single clue I had to illustrate was an intangible. Like integrity, forgiveness, honesty - how do you draw these things in under 60 seconds? So you'll understand when I tell you that for your Halloween costume I am absolutely at a loss. What does the milk of human kindness and universal love look like? Is it sequined or striped? Does it require a wig? Maybe just a big smile and nothing else!

Leo - This year you're going trick or treating en masse and they put you in charge of the costumes. Although it may seem like a waste of your time, it's actually a good thing for several reasons, one of which is that you will definitely get the job done and two is that you won't end up wearing anything that will make you look silly. Seriously, what would you do if someone suggested you all go dressed as the Rockettes? Do try to keep in mind that the Supreme Court is also not everyone's idea of a fun disguise.

Virgo - Yes Halloween is not only crassly commercialized, it's significance in a spiritual and social sense has been trivialized beyond belief. Yet for some reason this year you have developed a sudden interest in bobbing for apples. I applaud your decision to let loose and have some fun but I am a little worried that you're going to fall victim to your own prfectionism and miss the event while planning the ultimate costume. Throw a sheet over your head and just go out.

Libra - It's diffcult for me to judge whether you're decorating for a haunted house or just letting your house work slide. If it's the former you might want to tone down the sunny smile - it doesnt' scare anyone. If it's the latter, since you've gone this far you might as well throw a party and really have something to clean up after. Invite your guests to dress as their favourite cleaning tool and kill two birds with one stone.

Scorpio - If anyone is going to run into ghosts and goblins and wee evil beasties on Halloween it wil be you. You've got way too much energy to burn right now and the safest way I can think of for you to expend it is in a little one-on-one with some ectoplasm. You appear to be itching for a fight simply because you don't know what else to do and at least I know a ghost can't hurt you. Maybe you can release some pressure just running away. Boo!

Sagittarius - Do you remember the movie Alien? Have you been thinking about how the creature burst out of John Hurt's chest and wondering if that's not just indigestion you've been feeling? All right I'm sure that no slimy extraterrestrial brute is going to leap out of your body and ruin Haloween for everyone but it's a pretty simple costume idea and an easy way to release your inner beast in a metaphorical way that will allow you complete deniability later - after your angst eats the world.

Capricorn - One of the fundamentals of Halloween costume development is that you should always be comfortable enough to eat, drink, dance, and pee. This year for you alone I'm adding this caveat - your costume shoud be just uncomfortable enough that you yourself don't end up believing in it. A red cape doesn't mean you can fly. Crazy white hair won't make your explanation of relativity the correct one. Stay sober enough to remember that this is all just make believe.

Aquarius - Okay so usually you get a jump start on the bah humbug business and start playing Scrooge by hiding out on Halloween. This year I sense you've mellowed a bit. Maybe you've gotten in touch with the ghost of Trick or Treats past and realized that you've been missing out on some serious fun. Revisiting your childhood is not a bad costume idea. Dress up as you when you were 8 years old. Heck, egg a car or two and soap some windows. Just don't tell anybody I suggested it.

Pisces - Will I get in trouble if I suggest your Halloween costume should be conjoined twins? The world is always a scary place for you but when the veil between the worlds comes down and the undead rise to stalk the streets, no amount of reflective clothing is going to help. This is an entire night built on the concept of taking candy from strangers, which the rest of the year we're told is bad. So partner up! Travel with a buddy. Preferrably one who's braver than you.

Blogoscopes Week of October 20 to 27, 2008

Aries - I may have mentioned this to you before, but it bears repeating I'm sure. Peeing on someone's foot is not an appropriate means of communicating your affections. If you like someone, bake them a cake or write them a song don't try to hump their leg. This is especially important to you right now because lately you seem to like so many people that the potential for an ugly mob scene is growing exponentially.

Taurus - Granted, it's a little embarrassing but it could happen to anyone. You've generously and publicly pledged your super-hero powers to fighting against injustice. Now you discover that your nemesis, twisted arch-villain L.L. Pants-on-fire, has been living in your garden shed. In the bigger picture it does you credit. It's hard to fight evil when you don't know what it looks like. Semper Vigilant!

Gemini - This week you will have a beautiful dream that all of your friends are gathered in your living room; not the living room you currently inhabit, but the living room of your dreams, beautifully decorated. Your two biggest challenges will be 1) not having this dream while your friends are actually in the living room; and 2) trying to figure out where to get that exquisite vase. Um helloo? Dream.

Cancer - There comes a time in everyone's life when they wonder if they've done what they should have done, been what they should have been, said what they should have said. It can hit a person at any age and at this time of year it's almost an epidemic. Introspection is great up to a point beyond which it becomes a waste of time. It does, however, save you from becoming a total know-it-all wanker.

Leo - Madonna is quite possibly the world's most famous Leo. She is apparently divorcing her husband Guy Ritchie and friends speculate that things began to unravel when he was not attentive enough to her needs. I'm not saying all Leo's are drama queens, but you do have a gift for hyperbole and in defense of 'emotional retards' everywhere can I just point out that if you want your belly rubbed you should at least roll over?

Virgo - Prashant if you're reading, this is for you. For anyone who isn't Prashant, the message is that you are not alone. Many people are not Prashant. But that's okay, you can get in touch with your inner Prashant by making an effort to truly engage with your surroundings. You don't need to buy art supplies because you don't actually need to draw it or paint it; just stare at your world for as long as it takes you to fall in love with it.

Libra - I hope that you don't know any of my Aries friends because if one of them currently has a crush on you, you'd be just the person to drum up an angry mob. You are justifiably ticked off and not even a little bit shy about telling people exactly that. Which is great if the people you're ticked with are the only ones listening. Sadly, innocent by-standers will be swayed by your appeal and wade in to assist and defend you. Just so you know this could get ugly.

Scorpio - This week, whether you have dental surgery, try a new antihistamine or erroneously swallow your girlfriend's birth control pills, if the instructions say don't operate heavy equipment, you should understand that to include your mouth. You are far too prone to telling far too many people how much you love them. You being you, this could lead to anything up to and including jail. This will be the hangover the just keeps giving and there's no where you can go to sleep it off.

Sagittarius - You're in the mood to do a lot of things right now and your new motto is 'damn the consequences'. Okay it's not a brand new motto, but we haven't seen it in a while. Can I recommend that you apply this devil-may-care attitude to a safe activity like maybe scrap booking. You can always get more paper and glue, loved ones are a little harder to replace. Careful how you cut.

Capricorn - Who doesn't love a good mystery? Like whatever happened to Jimmy Hoffa? And who killed Laura Palmer? What about the ever popular crop circles - who made those? Did Atlantis ever really exist, did aliens build the pyramids, what does Stonehenge really mean, and what goes on in the Bermuda Triangle? This week your razor sharp mind and relentless inquisitiveness will find an answer that ties them all together rather convincingly.

Aquarius - I'm afraid there may be only one way to keep your relationships from becoming too intense right now, and that's to start speaking a language no one else understands. Your choice of language will depend on where you live and how broad your circle of friends, family and acquaintance might be. If you feel unable to master Urdu in one week then make something up.

Pisces - If you're happy and you know it clap your hands. If you're not happy and you know it, please stay at home, in bed, doors locked and phone unplugged. No one wants to be around when you're in this mood and frankly it's difficult for you to get a good pout on when your loved ones are swarming around trying to cheer you up. Just relax and enjoy a really intense sulk with a dash of self-pity for a few days and things will brighten up on their own.

Blogoscopes Week of October 13, 2008

Aries - How much time do you figure the average human being spends dealing with ear wax in their life? I'm thinking just their own personal ear wax, I'm not including parents and children or (gross) pets. But honestly, when did a little introspection ever hurt anyone?

Taurus - The amount of work that went in to this is just amazing to me. Check the bottom of the page for stats and then clock the fact that this hasn't been touched in over 6 years. I sincerely hope that everyone involved has been partying their collective asses off since March 16, 2002. Follow their example.

Gemini - You konw the great thing about the internet is that for the first time in the history of work, you can get paid for stuff you do from anywhere in the world. The fascintaing thing is how many of us decide to do it from home! Where do you think your home is?

Cancer - You know I can remember writing one of these columns and trying to find a way to attach indvidual songs to each sign. Why it didn't occur to me to give you an entire site I will never know. Now your radio station can have the same DIY ethic as your life.

Leo - Scientists say that any action at a quantum level is changed simply by being observed. I'm not sure what that means at a macro level but for safety sake I'd advise you to do your best to ignore all the gawkers.

Virgo - It's hard to find things that get lost in the dark. It's even harder to find things when you don't know what you've lost. It can't hurt to light a candle. And you can always find your mouth.

Libra - Sometimes it's not enough to just tell people to go away. Sometimes you have to tell them exactly where to go. Be definite, be forceful. Point, but for pete's sake don't offer to drive them there.

Scorpio - Ever heard the expression 'hot knife through butter'? It's used to describe something that is done with incredible ease. Like your life right now. Others will be staring and wondering how you do it. You don't know so don't even bother explaining.

Sagittarius - I stumbled upon this and I gotta confess that my initial reactin was to wonder if the people leaving comments are all fat girls. But that's mean isn't it? You and I both know that mean is often true.

Capricorn - You may not be psychic but for some reason everyone seems to be asking you to predict the future for them. This trend will continue for a while. If you can't bring yourself to admit you don't know, buy a crystal ball and pretend. Be mysterious and obscure so no one can call you on it.

Aquarius - Read this. Do I need to say anything more? If you're really feeling this, maybe you should buy yourself the t-shirt. If you don't agree, maybe you should buy yourself a margarita - to start with.

Pisces - Paying attention to every detail of every minute of every day is exhausting. On some planets it's also called extreme paranoia. On your planet it's called this week. Try doing brain sit-ups.

Blogoscopes Week of October 6 to October 13, 2008

Aries - How the heck you've managed to survive this long is any body's guess. You live like a ball bearing, bouncing around in the pinball machine of other people's expectations. Time to figure out what it is that you like or perhaps even dislike about the way things are now. Here's a little something that I think might help you pinpoint the source of your dissatisfaction.

Taurus - First let me just say that Roller Derby is not a hobby! It's a rigorous sport and as such requires a full-time commitment on all levels of mind, body and spirit. This means that you can't just dream about the Roller Derby, and you can't read a book on Roller Derby; you have to dedicate yourself to the gruelling regimen that will be required of you in order to reach your goal.

Gemini - There comes a time in every life, when your happy place needs to be an actual physical thing that you can touch. This is not about fetishes, but about geography - square footage. It honestly doesn't need to be either lavish or large, but it should be all yours for at least a part of each day.

Cancer - This is not the time to be worrying about whether or not everyone else is doing their bit the way they should. It's not so much that you've got to mind your own patch as it is that no one is taking you seriously and if you persist they'll think you're a fanatic and not listen to a single thing you say - ever.

Leo - It might seem like you're driving an actual school bus full of actual children, but in reality those back seat drivers asking if you're there yet, are adults. And just in case you were wondering, yes they are questioning your ability to get from point A to point B. Pull over only if you want to throw them out.

Virgo - I was going to say that I hope last week's column didn't net you as much grief for being a Virgo as it did me for writing it, but I can see that you haven't even read it. You just figured that anyone who seemed a little crankier than normal was confusing you with someone who cared? Carry on then.

Libra - You don't seem to be able to make up your mind whether you want to stay in or go out. If you will allow me to suggest a compromise, why don't you go out to some place you've never been before and stay there? See, two birds with one stone. Some people call it a vacation but I don't want to scare you.

Scorpio - I'm currently reading a book by a guy called Mil Millington, entitled "Things my girlfriend and I have argued about". The Guardian said that it is funny and at the same time affectionate. I think it might be the source of some perspective for you this week. Better than gritting your teeth. I've got the library's copy but here's a free sample.

Sagittarius - Sadly it has been left to me to be the one to tell you that all those times people have asked you how you are, they really didn't want to know. Okay maybe not everybody you know is unbelievably shallow, but some of them are just constantly spouting off shit without thought or feeling. I just thought it was time you knew.

Capricorn - Don't look down! Oh not to worry, you're standing on solid ground; you just feel like you're 40 stories up. Of course the fact that all the people you see appear to be trying to talk you down is a bit odd. Those are crazy people and you should just humour them for a bit. Remember, craaaazzzy people! Whatever you do don't make any sudden moves.

Aquarius - Someone may shortly be asking you for something you don't want to give them. You're not being stingy; this is a matter of principle. You don't want to do anything that would benefit this particular individual. What if I told you that the smelly man with his hand out is trying to give you something? Would that change your mind?

Pisces - Have you got your listening ears on? I know, you say hear everything, but maybe you're just overhearing? Maybe it's time you started to actively listen. If you already have been then think about an upgrade to something a little more modern - like digital!

Blogoscopes Week of September 29 to October 7, 2008

Aries - Have you ever played the shell game? It's like Button Button or Hide 'n Seek but for money. How do you win? You pay close attention, very close attention. Holy shit did you see that? No? See what I mean - close attention.

Taurus - Okay is that or is that not a winning lottery ticket in your pocket? I understand that you don't want to run screaming down the street but being afraid that the numbers have changed since you last looked? That's weird.

Gemini - If your friends haven't noticed your new shoes find new friends. Seriously those are kick-ass shoes and the astrological portents say there's a one in five chance that one of your new friends owns a shoe store.

Cancer - You're pretty fast on your feet right now but I gotta warn you that if someone calls you on your shit you're gonna have to own it. It's not a big deal, just look 'em in the eye, shrug and say "yea, so what?"

Leo - Okay, I'm not saying that you will, but if you do happen to bake a cake this week, remember to remove your necktie before you start mixing the batter. Ties are a dime a dozen, but that food processor is state of the art.

Virgo - Damn you're sexy. Don't be coy, it's okay, you are absolutely the bomb just the way you are. In fact, I predict that because of you, from this day forward, they'll change all the rules about what's sexy and what's not.

Libra - You should throw one of those new age pot luck dinner parties where you determine a menu and then ask each of your guests to bring a specific part. With careful planning you could live off of the leftovers for the whole week.

Scorpio - You should make a point of carrying an electronic device with you at all times until I tell you to stop. Blackberry,PSP,Gameboy even an MP3 just be sure to look as though there could be a reason for your laughter.

Sagittarius - Sometimes the only proper response to a question is "I don't know". There may also be occasions on which it is acceptable to close your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears and repeatedly scream "I don't know".

Capricorn - If you were in AA I would say that this might be a good week to call your sponsor, but otherwise, I think that if you can just get someone to phone you a few times, make sure you're awake, that should be fine.

Aquarius - For most people getting drunk alone is not a good sign, for you it's probably a survival mechanism. If you want to communicate either go on-line anonymously or have a heart to heart with a mirror.

Pisces - You may have a nightmare soon in which you relive the harrowing details of the loss of your childhood teddy bear. Let me just say that we all feel your pain and would you for Pete's sake just get over it already?

Blogoscopes Week of September 22 to September 29, 2008

Aries - Art Therapy. You need some, now go and get some. Tell only those who need to know i.e. your spouse, legal gaurdian, priest or warden, and then completely immerse yourself in creating something. Extra points if you get dirty doing it.

Taurus - Have you done a customer satisfaction survey lately? There's no doubt that they are satisfied, but it might be good for you to hear why they're satisfied. What you learn will make your life so much easier you can't believe it.

Gemini - Over the coming days, let your guiding light be Lizzie Borden. She was probably just having a bad week and look how that turned out. Find something to dig up or something to cut down. If not go out in a field and chop dirt.

Cancer - Some people in this world will bet on anything; Horses, cards, dice, sports, scratch and win; anything. They are sure that someday they'll hit it big. They have a system. They have a problem. You are smart and lucky - this week.

Leo - You need a drinking buddy. Doesn't really matter whether or not you drink, you need to find someone who will go along with whatever you want, nod wisely when you're not making sense and forget everything that happened by the next morning.

Virgo - I'm not promising that there won't be any runs in you stockings this week, but if (likely when) there are, try to take comfort in the fact that they're in the toe where no one but you will ever know. Resist the urge to tell everybody.

Libra - Should you want to try something completely out of the ordinary, you are best advised to do whatever it is you're about to do, in a group setting. That way you'll get several differing opinions on why you are crazy to try this.

Scorpio - There will be moments in the days ahead when your happy place will appear to fully manifest all on its own. It's okay to go ahead and believe it as long as you're not going to be operating heavy equipment at the same time.

Sagittarius - It might just be a good thing that porcupines can't speak. Which would be worse; getting shot full of quills by surprise or having the world's third largest rodent warn you just before he turns you into pinhead?

Capricorn - Someone has moved your cheese. You astutely follow a trail of crumbs and discover the someone who has now eaten your cheese. Before you start swinging the broom around check to see if it was that mouldy bit that got stolen.

Aquarius - You have a sacred duty not to get kidnapped by a clandestine organization that will try mind control to twist you to the dark side. Anybody can claim to be your father, if they want your soul make them pay your full asking price.

Pisces - Running away with the circus is always talked about as though it were a bad thing but really what can be wrong? You get to dress up everyday, travel the world, meet new people and if you fall there's always someone there to catch you.

Blogoscopes Week of August 18 to August 25, 2008

Aries - I'm beginning to believe that at the heart of the internet is one never-ending porn site and it currently rules most of the Western world. True, its message gets progressively soft core, a little more family friendly on the fringes of its power. Your mission this week is to make the internet grow. If that means joining Facebook, so be it, the main thing is that you do all you can to save your fellow human beings from the evil porn. You're a super hero with a laptop.

Taurus - I Googled 'famous psychos' and ended up on a site about the Scream trilogy. If I were a true pop culture guru, I could tell you which characters survived all three blood baths. Those actors must have had a dilemma. Suppose you're a character who gets whacked in the original and the movie goes huge. Can you return from the dead? What if you sign on for the whole show and the opener tanks? You can ask for an option to renew, but failure to commit could lose you the gig.

Gemini - Since 1872(?)there has been a Speakers' Corner in Hyde Park, London, where impassioned orators did/do stand to harangue the passing crowd with their political views. The Hyde Park site is not the only spot where this happens, but is the best known. Oh sure, there's a modern variation of it in downtown Toronto at the corner of Queen and John, but that hardly counts. If you were face to face with your audience would you say the silly things they say on TV?

Cancer - I recently had an encounter with Spiderman. As a nice police man hastened to assure me, not the real Spiderman, an impostor dressed like Spiderman. I have often thought that the costume was a mistake for Peter Parker. If he had just crawled around fighting crime in his corduroy trousers, flannel shirts and sweater vests, he would have been much safer. Everybody notices the guy in blue tights, not the one in khaki Dockers. Plus, there's a lot to be learned from hanging back stage.

Leo - You have an extensive photo collection. There's you and your family and your first love and classmates and your second love; you winning something. They're not printed: not digital, just very firmly planted in your brain. Random images pop up like a psychic game of whack-a-mole. Except you're the mole. Stop the slide show. Don't let this evil Powerpoint Presentation ruin your life. Pick ten that tell the story of the life you wanted and burn the rest.

Virgo - Jehovah's Witness keep coming to your door. I can't decide what's worse; the fact that you can't make them go away or the fact that your life can be reduced to such a bigoted cliche. Lord love us darling have you forgotten that you are the master of your own destiny, the captain of your fate? Or something like that; if things keep happening maybe It's because you want them to. The next time the doorbell rings invite them in for a drink. They might need you to save them. Awake!

Libra - If you ask someone a single sincerely thoughtful question about themselves, you can have them talking for hours during which time you need not respond or even listen in order to appear to be keeping up your end of the "conversation". This week you'll catch the tail end of something that seems to suggest that you maybe should have tuned in a little earlier. This is one of those tricky things where very soon you'll be asked for an answer and you won't have one. Stay tuned.

Scorpio - In anyone else I would call what you appear to be doing deep introspection. Usually when you get this concentrated for this long, your goal is far from spiritual - in fact it's often extremely carnal. What looks like a meditative trance is you practising your mind control techniques and strengthening your immense magentic powers. Stop trying to hide your dreams of world domination. Some of us support those dreams and would like to help. Get a campaign manager.

Sagittarius - Have you ever visited a circus fun house and seen your self in a crazy hall of mirrors? Certainly they all exaggerate you but each is different. I want you to really reflect (teehee) on what you see in these disparate views. Do you hate what you see? Nice going, you just told you that you hate you. Practice this daily for a significantly miserable life. Why not find some part of you that has been improved by the change? Love just that one part. Work your way up from there.

Capricorn - I work with compliance officers. They're the coolest people on the planet with the best job ever. If I decided that I was prepared to grow up I'd want to be a compliance officer. If your current circle of acquaintance doesn't include one of this shining group, I recommend befriending one quickly. There's some fine print coming up in your world and there's nobody for picking apart that shit like a compliance officer. That leaves you free to go for drinkies.

Aquarius - I don't know if musical instruments have zodiac signs, but I always imagine that saxophones are Aquarians. Excluding the soprano sax. It's an Aries. Lisa Simpson has repeatedly shown us all just how eloquent and expressive of the human soul a saxophone can be. For a bonus, they are just so incredibly cool. And sexy. The sax player has a lot of inner dark. That's not such a bad thing. This week, embrace your inner Coltrane - leave Parker and Kenny who out of it.

Pisces - If you were ever going to take a week off and spend it with your loved ones in Bora Bora, this is that week. Money seems to be stalking you. You can't seem to stop attracting it and in some strange atavistic, mythic and masochistic way you feel the need to get rid of it as soon as it shows up. It's as if you're ashamed to be seen with money. Hey, go ahead and spend it at the speed of light that's not going to be a problem. Just spend it on something that has real value.

Grace-o-scopes, aka Blogoscopes week of July 28th to August 4th 2008

Aries - Not everything smells good, but that doesn't mean you shouldn't smell it. Although there are some butts that Grace won't smell, she's always happy to be the smellee. It wouldn't hurt you to start allowing senses other than vision to help determine where you're heading. This week, when taking in the sights, why don't you try taking in the smells, sounds and textures as well.

Taurus - Grace and I discovered a new shared activity outside of walking, eating and tennis balls - Show Tunes! Yup, I sing 'em, she listens. I insert Grace's name a lot. She's fascinated and a little confused by this which is good because now she's hanging on my every word. Next I'm going to try this on humans. Feel free to borrow the idea whenever you feel that someone needs to pay attention.

Gemini - They say that in the dark all cats are gray, but Grace begs to differ. Day or night, there are just some cats that are not worth chasing. Perhaps, along with avocados (see Cancer below) some cats are good for chasing on Thursdays. The criteria that make one cat chase able and another invisible, are known only to Grace, but I'm certain that discretion and moderation are two of them.

Cancer - Grace's Communication Tips - Dogs are proud animals and don't like to beg:really, they don't. However, some humans can't interpret the niceties in a soulful brown eyed stare and realize that Grace didn't mean she won't eat avocados, Grace meant she won't eat avocados on Thursday. In a case like this Grace highly recommends you forget about whining and go straight to barking. People stop listening when they hear whining.

Leo - There comes a time in every dog's life when a dog has to decide whether or not s/he wants, henceforth, to be known as "The Dog Who Ate The Christmas Turkey/Easter Ham/Wednesday's Meatloaf." Do you want to be that dog? If so, you better be certain that's a good Turkey/Ham/Meatloaf, because you can be damn sure that not only do you now have a reputation, you'll never be allowed near a Turkey/Ham/Meatloaf - ever, ever again. Is it worth it?

Virgo - Grace does not like puppies. Grace's friend Buddy does not like puppies. Everyone fusses just because they're new: they chase stupid balls and sticks: and what's worse is they bring them back! You don't really like puppies either - human puppies. Pretend you don't despise them. As Grace can tell you, growling at a puppy just makes everyone think you're bitter and mean.

Libra - Another chocolate lab I know lives next door to me and his name is Grommet. Grommet frequently finds him self sitting on the sidewalk leading to his house. One of his humans is at the door saying come and the other is at the car saying go. Grommet wants Grace's advice. Grace says humans are stupid - don't do anything and just wait to see which one gives up first. Follow who ever is left.

Scorpio - Grace feels sorry for me when I scoop her poo. She pities me because she knows that we are walking through a minefield of un-scooped poo. In fact, in future millenia, a good portion of the earth's crust- in Norht America anyway - will be composed of petrified dog shit. Archaeologists will identify breeds from fossils. A time traveller visits the 90's & accidentally creates the first (insert breed here)-poo. What's one more turd?

Sagittarius - Robert this is for you and yes it is so a happy one - Grace is very fast. Nothing is more important than that she beat you up, or down, the stairs - nothing! It is imperative that she finish any meal she has in under a minute. When she runs through the park she runs fast! She's also asleep for a large part of the day. You can't afford to sleep your days away so stop going so fast. It wears you down.

Capricorn - Sometimes a big sigh is just Grace letting all the air out of her lungs: she's not expressing any kind of sadness or in any way commenting on you. Just breathing, that's all she's doing. Remember what breathing feels like? Try Grace's deep breathing exercise: first take the deepest breath you can: next lie down somewhere soft and warm: proceed to exhale deeply and don't be afraid to be noisy about it. Repeat as needed.

Aquarius - Grace never feels shame. Do you know why? Because she's a dog. Dog's aren't ashamed of themselves; they're ashamed of humans for thinking that a dog will ever be anything but a dog. Follow Grace's lead here. You have behaved in a manner perfectly consistent with who you are. Any one who expected anything different from you is crazy. You are not a bad dog.

Pisces - Grace is a loving and very affectionate dog. She likes to be near the people she loves, especially if no body's really doing anything. Lazing around, that's Grace. It's when you can't see her, and you can't hear her that you have to worry. That's when she's up to something. Grace thinks you should know that not every one appreciates you chewing their shoes.

new beginnings

Watch this space for updated horoscopes beginning in March