Blogoscopes Week of November 17 to 24, 2008

Aries - Have you ever thought about going into therapy? No seriously, I don't think you're crazy. At least not any crazier than anybody else, but it never hurts to have someone you feel free to tell all your secrets to. I just don't think you're gonna believe any one you haven't paid money to. Believe me when I say that someone should be paying you to tell them what is the what.

Taurus - So you spilled your Shiraz at a friend's birthday party. You feel embarrassed and believe that you should be paying to clean or replace the rug. Let me just say that no one - and I mean no one - in their right mind combines white carpet with a house party. If anyone is at fault here it's your host. Besides, it's shag and must be 30 years old. You did them a favour.

Gemini - The absolute worst thing ever to happen to anyone in the history of the world is when you have a shower schedule all worked out and someone jumps the queue. The second worst is when they don't get in the shower when they're supposed to and you wonder whether taking your turn at your usual time makes you a bad person when you know that - oh to hell with it, just go dirty.

Cancer - Tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are. More specifically, look at who your friends are and discover something about yourself. You may find this confusing right now since you seem to be buddy buddy with some unusual people...or are you just pretending? So tell me who your fake friends are and I'll tell you where you're fake.

Leo - I frequently tell people that it is not selfish to look after their own needs. Right now, everyone needs you and you can't afford to be worn out when so much seems to be riding on your shoulders. Okay so when you're holding court this week, grant everyone their wishes, but don't be afraid to fuck with their heads a little when you do. What?

Virgo - Mother Theresa you are not, but that won't stop you this week from selling your line of blessings and absolution on e-bay. You've got some excess smarts running around in your head and it would be better for everybody if they could be used for good instead of evil. The on-line auction covers both ends of the spectrum; just steer clear of selling relics.

Libra - Where in the world did you put that thing? No ideas, but I predict that you are about to find a whole bunch of other stuff while you're looking for the thing. I often find shoes when I'm looking for sunglasses, and sunglasses when I seek rice. There's no scientific proof of a connection beyond my housekeeping habits but try it and if it works for you too I'll patent it.

Scorpio - If you have an evil plan for world domination now would be the time to bring it out. You've got the energy and the drive to single-handedly conquer the universe, PLUS, you've got a bunch of stooges lined up waiting to do your dirty work. Just remember that as a rule, stooges aren't too bright. Be specific and detailed in your instructions.

Sagittarius - You are an unusual human being in many ways, not least of which is the fact that you are one of the few on this earth who are not for sale at any price. When you believe in something, there is nothing that can buy you off or make you sell your principles. Or maybe there is and there just haven't been enough zeros yet. Ooh is this your inner whore?

Capricorn - Your life resembles the 1970's cold war at the moment. There's a lot of animosity but no one wants to admit it. On the surface it's all detente and glasnost, but underneath it's espionage and double agents. There's only one way to handle this. Don a turtleneck and a beret and challenge your opponent to martinis at dawn. Shaken not stirred, of course.

Aquarius - There's a definite trick to calling in sick for work. First of all you have to decide to do it. Then you have to pick a time to call in and a believable disease. Once you've perfected your sick voice, left a message and gone back to bed, the challenge is to remind yourself that you're not actually sick. Hell how else are you going to enjoy that free time?

Pisces - Scientists this week discover a beast previously thought to have become extinct several millenia ago, the mysterious raptor, Pickafight. It is generally believed that this creature refused to acknowledge it's own motivations or to be responsible for any of its aggressive behaviours and it died out when all the other beast staged an intervention.