Saturday, July 11, 2009

Blogoscopes Week of July 13 to ?????????

Aries - There comes a point in every puppy's life when two things become very clear: "Yes that is my tail, and no, I have no idea what I'll do if I catch that car." In your life, Aries, someone is trying to convince you that it's time to stop chasing ridiculous things. Do not listen to them. The only thing you shouldn't be chasing is their approval.

Taurus - You've been keeping your eye on the ball for ages and Frankie says the time has come for you to relax, don't do it. Seriously, do nothing. Give your brain a break from all that exercise and let it have some junk food. Try it for 24 hours. Every time you find yourself thinking you should do something, sit down - if symptoms persist, lie down.

Gemini - Many hands make light work but too many cooks spoil the broth. So which strategy should you take in the kitchen? Well there is no doubt that you can't do everything by yourself all of the time. Find yourself a good sous chef to pitch in with the prep work, but be clear that your name is on the finished product. See you can have your cake and eat it too.

Cancer - It's frequently true that in order to be fashionable, you must be a tad uncomfortable. That's where fashion and style differ. Fashion causes blisters, chafing, and dents in your bank balance. Style causes admiration and compliments. Put a bandage on that fashion boo-boo and adjust your wardrobe malfunctions before someone says you look fat in those jeans.

Leo - Ground control to Leo - prepare for re-entry. Your journey has taken you to infinity and beyond but now it's time to come back to earth and apply some of what you learned. It's not as easy as it looks. Don't expect everyone to notice your new super-powers - in fact continue to avoid people for a while longer as you decompress. See you in September.

Virgo - Don't be surprised if you look up one day to see your neighbour staring in your living room window, or all of your co-workers hanging over your cubicle. People may follow you on the street. You've been so focused on one thing, that you're practically living in a bubble, unaware of how you appear to the outside world - fascinating is how.

Libra - You are famously all about balance, but what few people fail to realize is how tricky that balance can be to maintain. You may meditate to keep yourself centred and grounded. You may raise deflector shields around all of your perimeters. You would be well advised to start going with the flow because you're about to be shot out of a canon.

Scorpio - People who are now meeting you for the first time may be asking themselves if you're all there. Truth is you're not - a good part of you is still recovering from a spiritual hangover - they're the kind with minimal pain and maximum confusion. Put all non-essential stuff on hold and engage the auto pilot for a while until things become clearer. Doctor's orders!

Sagittarius - Don't touch that dial! Do not adjust your TV set! No you are not entering the Twilight Zone, but you are experiencing a touch of vertigo. What you thought was down becomes up and up is heading down. Plus the whole world appears to be spinning. It's kind of like you're a helium balloon bobbing along above the crowd. As long as you're tied to something you'll be fine.

Capricorn - Decorating programs and home style magazines are always singing the praises of light and bright and airy. The problem is that it makes dust and dirt and grime much more visible. Who cares? Open the curtains, slather on your sunscreen and make sure you have lots of sparkly things on hand. They'll distract from any unsightliness and give you a party look.

Aquarius - Whatever you do, don't smile....oh, oh, no, damn it you smiled. Well what can you say? You don't have any clear idea what it is that you're smiling about; nothing seems to have changed; same shit, different day. Maybe it's the smile that's different. For the time being just remember how existentially unimportant all that shit is and just enjoy the day.

Pisces - I've never juggled - well I've tried but I suck at it - however, I think it must be easier to do when all of the items you're working with have similar weights. Which is why juggling is not a good way to run your life. Not everything can weigh the same as everything else. Whether you excel at the chain saws or tennis balls, make sure you're working within your weight class.

Sunday, July 05, 2009

Blogoscopes Week of July 6 to 13, 2009

Aries - You've been called to the Principal's office and it's difficult to say just which way this is going to go. Some creative license with the truth may be called for and there's no doubt that some swagger is big with the fans, but you really know that his is about pigeons roosting.

Taurus - In the game of life you just got handed a get out of jail free card - and yes I know that's a different game. There seems to be some slight confusion in your mind about which board your token is hopping around, but all we become clear when you don't collect your $200.

Gemini - As a private investigator you have to be prepared to follow your prey into some dicey situations. Heads up, your quarry is currently heading straight toward you - what are you going to do? Like Alice down the rabbit hole, your most rewarding course is to go head first after what you want.

Cancer - Oh how nice of you to hold a telethon to raise money for all those poor...wait a minute, what is this for again? Heaven forbid anyone question the purity of your motives, but really, what are you doing and why are you doing it? Will you give it all back when you're done?

Leo - You're not out of the woods yet, but the most immediate danger has passed. It's like an episode of Star Trek, and you've emerged unscathed from doing battle with the Klingon. Their presence looms always on your horizon, but for now enjoy a little comic relief - do the Liberace episode.

Virgo - You're not running away from anything right now, you're answering a calling - okay maybe it's the delivery guy with pizza. You can't avoid what right in front of your face, but for a little while you can lose the sense of impending doom. Just try to be sure you get some veggies on your slice.

Libra - You fell asleep at the party and woke up with the need to talk things out. Unfortunately every one has gone home. They removed your shoes and tucked you in first so there's no doubt they still love you but they're not present to act as sounding boards. Still feel the need to talk? Try sock puppets.

Scorpio - Do you feel as though you have water in your ears? Do the voices coming at you seem to be muffle and far away? Yes, it's annoying isn't it; difficult to make out what your being told and impossible to know what to act on. Give it a week to clear and you'll wish wish it were back.

Sagittarius - All roads lead to Rome and apparently right now all trains of thought lead to you. True, you got some shit going on but I promise you not every bad thing that is going on in the world has a direct impact on you. Stop pretending to carry the weight of the world and just deal with your own shit.

Capricorn - Your week starts off with a lunar eclipse and some one is telling you that your feelings are invalid. Wrong - your feelings are your own; however dark, twisted and weird, you have every right to feel them. Consider making voodoo dolls of your naysayers and plant them where they'll be found.

Aquarius - Break out your dream journal - I know it's been a while but you really do need to start recording these things again. Don't bother re-reading old entries - some of them are less than edifying and you need to make lots of room for the new stuff. This weeks reves are epic!

Pisces - There's a lot expected of you right now and of course it's impossible to do when someone has cut the mains. You know what they say - you can sit in the dark and complain about it or you can light a candle. Try it and you'll discover the "dark" is actually a blind fold.

Sunday, June 28, 2009

Blogoscopes Week of June 28 to July 6, 2007

Aries - You should be listening to Marvin sing "Let's Stay Together". It's going to take some creative housekeeping, because in the next little while you'll be inviting someone else to share your space. How much of it and for how long is entirely up to you. Let Marvin tell you how it's done.

Taurus - You may think that what you're feeling is a bit of buyer's remorse. You could be secretly seeking valid reasons to change your mind. You might even be looking for someone to blame for all of this. This is a sure sign that you have completely lost the ability to enjoy recreational time. Fix that.

Gemini - The seed has been planted and well watered with the blood and sweat of your labour. You now have the promise of a successful harvest and a powerful ability to communicate that brings understanding and assistance from someone who has listened and who has understood.

Cancer - Happy birthday, here's your x-rated horoscope - If you've never done it before, this week you should make love with the lights on. If that's the norm for you then try it in the dark. However it goes, you're moving a key relationship to a new level and learning about yourself in the process.

Leo - This week you narrowly avoid scoring an own-goal. Aiming for something pure and good and noble, you missed and only luck kept you from getting hit by the ricochet. You've probably learned a valuable lesson from this but you should sit in the time-out chair for a while and ponder it.

Virgo - Everyone is staring at you. What did you do? Were you singing too loudly? Talking to yourself? Staring? Did you fart? Whatever the reason, this is not something you can blame on the dog. For good or for ill, the attention you're getting is the attention you deserve.

Libra - You're in an old western. You're the kindly shopkeeper/saloon girl with the heart of gold. You witness the shootout between the handsome sheriff and the mysterious drifter. The sun sparks off the sheriff's shiny gold badge blinding the stranger who shoots you by mistake - with a love dart.

Scorpio - Who doesn't love the playground slide? There's a feeling of free fall as you safely woosh down the slippery surface in the gentle embrace of the curving sides and perfectly angled slope. The scary part is right at the top, just before you go over the edge - like now. Close your eyes and trust.

Sagittarius - When you were a kid did you like to try to sink down to the bottom of the swimming pool and hold your breath to see how long you could stay there? It's difficult to get to the bottom let alone remain that deeply submerged for any length of time. Pop to the surface and inhale.

Capricorn - If you've got any sick days coming to you I highly recommend that you take them. Not that you're sick because you are definitely not, but you are feeling drained of energy and physically depleted. Actually just take one day off and have a really good cry. That'll fix it.

Aquarius - Noise is a very subjective thing. What you find soothing and harmonious others may find discordant and upsetting. The fact that people are now tiptoeing and whispering around you means they are choosing what you hear. This makes you want to scream. Maybe you should.

Pisces - Did you really think that everything would be that easy? Well it still can be, but you are going to have to prove the validity of your ideals not just to the rest of the world but to yourself. Otherwise you might get a tad defensive and we all know what happens then. Relax; have faith.

Saturday, June 20, 2009

Blogoscopes Week of June 22 to 29, 2009

Aries - Keep yourself well hydrated and wear clothing made from fire retardent fabrics - or go naked except for your runners. It's quite a gamble this plan of yours and the astrological omens say that you're as likely to go down in flames as up in smoke. You're going to roll the dice anyway; be prepared.

Taurus - The bull is always at his best when harnessed to a workmate of similar mind. Lucky you - the yoke you currently wear feels lighter for the help and it's all a bit mad and romantic and dangerous. But you still have to eat so don't lose sight of the important details, like who's going to pay for the pizza.

Gemini - I blush to think what you might get up to this week - there's an opportunity here for you to ask questions, get answers and learn stuff, but you didn't see it coming and that disturbs you. Something will be offered to you and it's something you never realized you needed - until you saw it.

Cancer - It's your birth season and without giving too much away, let's just say that the universe is throwing you a surprise party. Oops - almost gave away the best part; you know, the part where you don't have to lift a finger but everything gets done anyway? Oops. My bad. Act like you didn't know.

Leo - Do you ever look at those three-D puzzles they print in the colour comic section of the Saturday paper? You kind of have to let you vision go soft before you can really see what's there. You can do the same with the rest of the world but what you'll see is what's not there - suddenly all becomes clear.

Virgo - This week you will meet someone who has consumed one of those dodgy love potions in an effort to attract a certain someone. You may be that someone and you may not, but for sure you'll be one of many attracted to this crazy mojo. That's ok, just be the one who sees through things and calls bullshit.

Libra - You struggle with ways to have others recognize your individuality while you remain low key. In other words, you want the right attention to find you but you don't want to have to attract it. This week you will get your wish when you walk in to a room where they were just talking about you.

Scorpio - Try not to be alone too much right now. Oh sure you're finding people really annoying but you still have the ability to completely tune them out and grunt meaningless responses in appropriate places - until someone calls you on it. A little more attention can avoid a lot more shouting.

Sagittarius - Over the counter medications can have some very strange effects on the human body and on the mind. We all know someone who has taken cold medicine with alcohol and ended up table dancing in church. Keep this in mind for later when you need an excuse for this weeks atrocious behaviour.

Capricorn - Pay attention to the workmen in your garden or you'll find that the water feature you requested becomes an Olympic sized pool. And when I say pay attention, I mean place your lounger in a shady spot with a cool drink close to hand and just kind of admire what's going on .

Aquarius - You really don't feel much like participating in anything and yet others keep approaching you for advice. You can't be bothered giving them any, nor can you be assed to tell them where to get off so you should just ask them to meditate with you - whether they stay or go you'll have some quiet.

Pisces - You don't have to be schizophrenic to have a multiple personality. It's a good time for each of your selfs to dialogue about where you see this life going and what role each of your parts plays in it. Perhaps you can all agree that the self-sabotaging-you should take a bit of a break.

Sunday, June 14, 2009

Aries - Go nowhere without your tunes! You're going to need to be quick on your feet for the next little while and I'm hoping that if you're already dancing you'll have a head start. It will also set a party mood for the coming days.

Taurus - It's time to harvest the love you've been sowing. Actions speak louder than words. The time for talk is past. Make your move - any move. You're breaking through in all directions so you're sure to come out a winner.

Gemini - You may find yourself having to protect your virtue in the coming days. Nothing is free so you knew this would happen eventually. If your answer is truly no then suggest an alternate currency. Or, surprise yourself and say yes.

Cancer - I'm not sure what spooked you but something has you running for deep water. Anticipating a storm perhaps? Prepare yourself - no matter where you go they can find you. Probably some sort of echo locating - try holding your breath.

Leo - It's hard to achieve nirvana when there's a constant ringing in your ears; there's someone chattering in the next room and close by another someone is making lewd suggestions. Oh wait - maybe this is nirvana.

Virgo - There may not be much difference between talking about something and actually doing something. Words are just as apt as actions to make things manifest. It's like getting someone else to do the heavy lifting.

Libra - Can you whistle? Sing, hum or warble because it's the sound of your own voice that will make you realize that you're in a much smaller space. You wouldn't notice otherwise - there's certainly nothing to see.

Scorpio - Your turn! No really, it's not your birthday: it's something even better. Nobody else needs anything from you right now - nobody. What are you gonna do? Can you just look after your self for a bit? Then do that.

Sagittarius - Ostriches do not bury their heads in the sand - they will flatten themselves to the ground to avoid detection or they will run - at up to 45 miles per hour - take a note - they don't do both!

Capricorn - You are not exactly the life of the party this week. In fact you're a bit Banquo's ghost-ish. People don't really mind that you're there, they just want to pretend that you're not. Fuck 'em. Destroy that salad bar.

Aquarius - Stay home! Unless you absolutely have to leave the house don't! OK, you have to earn a living, I get that, but as much as you can just remain in your own domain. You'll thank me for this later.

Pisces - You're getting struck with lightening bolts of creative energy - wahoo! Okay so just don't think about the fact that it all seems to revolve around ways to make oatmeal palatable. Everybody has to start somewhere.

Sunday, June 07, 2009

Aries - Some days, no matter how careful you think you are, you will wear your shirt inside out, put pepper in your oatmeal or dip your paintbrush in your pinot noir. It's OK. Everyone expects you to be a little ahead of the game, so just make these gaffes a part of your style.

Taurus - This week you have the opportunity to tell someone that you love them; and by tell I mean use actual words like love and you to express how you are feeling. Odd gifts, adorable impersonations and puppy dog eyes will not cut it. Speak, say talk, tell - and not over the phone!

Gemini - Why is there never a taxi around when you want one? You are headed home from the banquet, staggering under the weight of all the prizes you won - best mambo, best looking, best liked, not to mention the centrepiece from the table. Walk a ways with them and understand exactly what they weigh.

Cancer - Don't know if you smoke, but picture this - you're at the worst family get together you've ever experienced, and you finally find five minutes when you can sneak out back for a cigarette and be totally alone for just a bit. Nicotine or not, you need some down time this week so take it.

Leo - You're usually prepared for something like this, but when the press arrive on your doorstep this week the lights, the noise and the shouting will make you wonder whether you are facing adoring fans or an angry mob. The worst of it is you have no idea why this is happening. Tread carefully.

Virgo - You feel as though you have tin cans and streamers tied to your bumper. Wherever you go you are fighting against the drag of meaningless noise and gratuitous visual stimulation. In the aggregate, these things weigh a ton and they're slowing you down. Leave them behind.

Libra - Walk toward the light Libra, move into the light. No not that light, the fairy lights, the tiki torches, the patio lanterns: the glow you can see on the horizon that indicates a gathering of happy people - that light! Watch where your stepping but don't change direction.

Scorpio - What's the worst part of being a penguin? Is it the unending cold; is it a lifespan that stretches from perilous birth to early death; or would it be the fact that you are never, ever alone for a single moment of your brief existence. Go to your happy place and be glad you're not a penguin.

Sagittarius - This would not be the week for you to consider robbing a bank - you would get caught. You're not a thief, but you should pay closer attention to what you pick up. Pluto looms like an omniscient hall monitor and you will absolutely not be able to get away with lifting even a paper clip.

Capricorn - This week, if someone gave you crayons you would colour outside of all the lines. You would do this very carefully, filling in all the spaces and making sure that you didn't colour inside the lines. Maybe if you coloured more often you wouldn't take it all so seriously.

Aquarius - This is one of those times when astrologers say you have the ability to heal a past hurt. Don't worry about which one, that's neurotic. Be alert for deja vu and realize that three weeks from now you'll look back and say to yourself "oh that's what was happening" - everything in its time.

Pisces - How does all this crime happen in Las Vegas? It's never dark. People who fear the dark love Vegas for this reason. You can stay awake longer and party longer and gamble more and spend more money. You can't sleep in a casino so maybe you should think about heading back to your hotel.

Sunday, May 31, 2009

Blogoscopes Week of June 1 to 8, 2009

Aries - No matter how many times you show up with a bruised forehead, no one is going to believe that a wall attacked you. You have been throwing yourself relentlessly at something that will not budge and no amount of spin can make you less culpable. Try saying Abracadabra and then be ready when the wall falls down.

Taurus - We all need to feel attachment to something outside of ourselves, but lately you fear that your well being is negatively impacted by these external forces and that makes them seem more like shackles than connections. The remedy? Jump from your chair, shout Eureka! and head to the nearest party.

Gemini - This week Lady Luck spins her wheel and you find yourself sitting at the top of the world with an infinity of choice laid out before you. Don't get lost in the view, there's an opportunity here that must not be missed. Anything you do now is bound to succeed so take all the chances you want just don't forget to say thanks.

Cancer - Nobody likes a back seat driver. The time will come when your map reading skills will be needed, but for this leg of the road trip you are relegated to watching for service stops and keeping your face out of the rear view mirror. Use this time to hunt for treasure under the seat.

Leo - Sandbox spat or global war, conflict is destined to dwindle into a never ending battle of "aretoo/amnot" and name-calling - unless! What factors are capable of ending the stalemate? One is the crushing of one party by the brute strength of the other. You need to figure out the other one for yourself.

Virgo - Every gardener knows that if you want the fruits and flowers to flourish you have to be vigilant in warding off the weeds and weevils. There is a rich crop in your backyard, and it's sitting ready to be harvested. Only a few more feet of nettles to annihilate and you're there. Sharpen your scythe!

Libra - When you go swimming, what is it that stops you from sinking to the bottom like a stone? It really takes no effort so perhaps it's simply the belief that you're floating that keeps you buoyant. This week you find out whether the same faith can help you dive to the bottom and back up.

Scorpio - Sometimes children believe that if they can't see you then you can't see them. As a survival strategy it sucks, but as a coping mechanism it's definitely got its up side. For the next little while, pretending that what you can't see won't hurt you will allow you to focus on what you need to do.

Sagittarius - You are immaculate in minding personal boundaries, but you can be careless in how you trod on others. You may be confusing the source of your sensitivity and offending when you mean to defend. It's inappropriate to indulge in a crying jag at the office or to work on a spread sheet while making love.

Capricorn - Stop second guessing yourself! The time is ripe for you to step up and do what has to be done. Use the natural authority you possess and it will make others amenable to following you; or you can give in to fear and indecision and waffle about letting everyone walk all over you.

Aquarius - Someone is pouring out their heart to you and the way in which you respond will have a huge impact on your immediate future. You really should be actively listening or you'll find yourself answering the wrong question and offending some one dear to you. This is why people think you're weird.

Pisces - You know better than to ask if your butt looks big in those pants. You've learned from previous experience that prodding a sore tooth is not your best course of action. You don't need to give in on every front, but sometimes biting your tongue is less painful than the alternative.

Saturday, May 23, 2009

Blogoscopes Week of May 25 to June 1, 2009

Aries - There is absolutely no point in making all kinds of plans for you and your sweetheart this week. No matter what you do, something will come up at the last minute and force a change every single time. What you end up doing will be better so save yourself the bother, relax and just let summer start to happen.

Taurus - You're planning a surprise for someone special. You've been saving for it and you're just about ready to break the piggy bank. Consider this - someone special will appreciate this even more if you let them contribute. Surprise them with the idea and the split the tab! Now there's a win/win situation if ever I saw one.

Gemini - There is a cheese souffle cooking in your head. You know that souffle is a delicate dish and there's a lot riding on this souffle - which is why you have to stop opening the oven door to check on it every thirty seconds. Leave the souffle alone and step away from the oven. Set a timer and have a nap.

Cancer - Every great blues artist arrives at "the crossroads" at some point in their lives, but usually just once. There should be only one crossroad in life; the rest are just tough choices and little dramas. Don't fret about a decision - this is not your biggie, just a chance for some review and planning.

Leo - It's the conundrum of self-help gurus everywhere - how much do you charge for your services? Too much and no one buys, too little and you feel used. Plus, the whole time, you're asking yourself when they're going to figure it all out for themselves. I'll just say let your conscience be your guide.

Virgo - You're trying to remove one piece of clothing from the closet and suddenly every hanger in there is having a love in. I think they do it on purpose just to get some attention. Hangers are something we own but never think about. Spending just a little time with your hangers this week can prevent an uprising.

Libra - It's important to draw safe boundaries around yourself so that you're protected; however, crime scene tape may be going a bit far. Do you know what a pentagram is? Got any sparklers left over from last weekend? Light the latter, draw the former and don't forget the incense.

Scorpio - You know those people who run marathons and things, do you ever wonder if about half way through they say to themselves "what the f#@* am I doing?" I'm not sure what keeps them going but you better find some of that for yourself - at least until next Monday - that's your current finish line.

Sagittarius - Who says you can't? Do you believe them? Why? Or why not? There might have been a time when you couldn't but not now. Now you have whatever it is you need to do whatever it is you want. Ah there's the catch. What do you want? Maybe that's what 'they' think you can't do.

Capricorn - Practice your poker face - a lot! Seriously you are going to need it because the good times you anticipate are about to get pretty wild. It's safe to say you'll be caught off guard and while startled, surprised, and even a little frightened are all on the expressions menu, smug is not.

Aquarius - Exercise your telekinetic powers in the coming days. That way, when you close your eyes, instead of making wishes for it to all go away, you can be using the power of your mind to remove the obstacles from your path. Whether someone else actually does this while your eyes are closed I can't say.

Pisces - Consider making space in your calendar this week to paint your bathroom electric blue. Interesting things can happen when you mix water and electricity and this is far safe than bathing with your toaster. A coat of paint won't fry you,but it will give your heart a charge all the same.

Sunday, May 17, 2009

Blogoscopes Week of May 18 to 25, 2009

Aries - The parade is starting and you have to decide which position you want to occupy as the procession winds along the street. Be warned, the options are not limitless. In fact you no matter how much you want to bang the bass drum, wave from the convertible or ride a horse, your choices are two - drum major or poop sweeper. There are pros and cons to each and yes it really is your choice.

Taurus - Imagine yourself dining at a very expensive restaurant with a large group of people - some you know well, others are strangers. You have a little too much wine - just a little - and doze off at the table after dinner. Luckily no one notices until you wake up screaming "save the parsley". You, who are usually so grounded may be having trouble staying in the moment.

Gemini - These are deep waters you're swimming in, and you immediate reaction might be to call for an air sea rescue chopper - whoa up there pardner, can we just remember how you got here? Still waters run deep & they make excellent mirrors. The next time you stop to admire yourself, remember what lies beneath and wear some sort of flotation device - maybe water wings.

Cancer - Just when it seemed as though you would never do it, you finally found your spotlight and your voice. You seize the moment, boldly and succinctly state your case, and then run and hide. Nice bit of stage direction there. Everyone gasps with shock as you appear to disappear. I think you could say you've made your point. At least no one will stop talking about it for quite some time.

Leo - It seems as though it's finally your turn. You've worked hard and overcome obstacles to get here and now the sun is back, the clouds have parted and it is your time to shine. The only downside is that all around you people are standing in corners and whispering; friends, family and strangers in groups both small and large. The worst part? They're not talking about you.

Virgo - You're an earth sign and it's fitting that for you the turning of the seasons is closely connected to nature. So it's spring time you're checking the yield on what you planted last fall. Are you harvesting and enjoying the fruits of your labours or reaping and ruing what you sowed? Better work that one out before you lay down the seeds for summer and fall.

Libra - Feeling under attack in some fundamental way? Are you defending yourself by shouting "are too" at everyone, or are you plugging your fingers in your ears and singing Kumbaya? A happy medium exists somewhere & you will need some rather strange help in reaching it, but this week it will be possible for you to find that balance and even to hold it. Are you really prepared to try?

Scorpio - Everything is so much better once you give up hope. Sounds negative doesn't it? Just try to keep in mind that as humans, we are prepared to 'hope' for the things that we know - for the safe, the routine, the things we've been told are right and true. In that case, giving up hope means giving up on some old, useless preconceived notions. Are you ready to give up?

Sagittarius - This is going to be big; a larger than life, stupendous show-stopper and it's going to be all yours. You need some backing and a little faith, but no one seems prepared to share your vision. In fact, they seems intent on forcing their visions on you. The nerve of some people. Can't they see that you visions are superior? Can you see that your visions are superior?

Capricorn - Here's an exercise for you that should keep you sane this week. Every morning, before you have your coffee, stretch out on your yoga mat, face down, forehead on the ground. Breath deeply and feel your diaphragm expand. Now, exhale, screaming like a 2 yr old at the ice cream shop, pounding the floor with your hands and feet. Carry on for a full minute, repeat as needed.

Aquarius - The difference between a caper and a crime is how you feel about the perpetrator. The same criteria defines who's the recipient of humour and who's the butt of a joke. I would therefore suggest that you consider this - before you pull what you believe to be a harmless and amusing prank, ask yourself if your target likes you. That should give you some indication of how they will react.

Pisces - You've got a full slate and normally you'd be on top of getting all of this done. Lately, though, you find your mind wandering to green and sunny pastures, picking imaginary daisies and then scrambling to catch up with the real world. New word for the week - delegate; easier than you think. Find an audience and clearly explain your wishes. Then watch the magic happen.

Saturday, May 09, 2009

Blogoscopes Week of May 11 to 18, 2009

Aries - So the fickle finger of fame is no longer pointing at you. You would be okay with this if the finger were perhaps broken, or if it had disappeared altogether. The thing that is bothering you is that the finger is fine thank you very much, it has just moved on to point at someone else. Buck up - think of all the things you can get away with while no one is looking.

Taurus - Many things are coming to fruition for you and many more are just beginning. Knowing you, this of course means that there are at least sixteen other things in your life which are partially complete - or partially begun depending on your point of view. Before the curtain rises on a shiny new scheme, cast an eye over your to-do list and see which ones you're still partial to.

Gemini - This week should be a snap for your ruler as the universe asks you to talk your way in to trouble. Well, not really trouble - let's just say it's something your grandmother would have called trouble. It won't be too easy - you'll have to talk fast and say the right things but if trouble were simple everybody would be in it wouldn't they?

Cancer - Start mumbling. Or tell everyone you know that you're learning to speak Icelandic. Or come up with your own strategy. You'll need something to cover up when you make a slip in an intimate moment this week. While you're memorizing 47 ways to say iceberg you can puzzle out the answer to why you made this slip and why now?

Leo - Wake up! Oh sorry you were awake. Yet you seem to believe that you're dreaming. You're doing a lot of edgy, even dangerous things, and doing them all with a silly grin on your face and a thousand mile stare in your eyes. If you fly in dreams do you fly in real life? Who knows? The point is you're not dreaming and the sooner you realize it the better.

Virgo - There are two kinds of stubborn in the world - mules and Virgo's. Although to be fair, Virgo's aren't so much stubborn as they are just-not-listening-to-you. Deaf to the so-called voice of reason, you, Virgo, can more easily enjoy being naughty. Is it fearlessness or insanity? You're ignoring the consequences while never losing sight of your goal. Bravo.

Libra - Ooooh, Libra, the winds of change are ablowin', howling around the eaves, oooh! Fortunately by the time they get to your place they'll have died down to the breezes of whatever. You should feel safe to step outside for a breath of air. A lot of pretty cool stuff is headed your way so for now, just enjoy the weather.

Scorpio - There's a ritual being enacted here; a clearing out of old things, useless ideas, destructive habits and unhealthy connections. Okay, so really you're just spring cleaning, but that's still a tradition. It might take you a little longer than it does others, but you do a much more thorough job. At least we hope so because there's something scary behind your stove.

Sagittarius - Please promise that over the coming days you will ignore any sudden urges to play with sharp objects and electrical outlets - this includes forks and toasters and has a special dispensation to include a ban on combining bathtubs and electricity. You won't do any physical harm to yourself, the danger is you'll fall in love with with your blender.

Capricorn - This week at one of those excruciatingly dull social events you feel compelled to attend, an angel will come to you and whisper in your ear, stories of a beautiful land where you are worshipped for your grace, wit and charm; a land of tranquility and wealth. Ahhhhh.....of course you'll come to and realize you volunteered for something horrible, but who cares?

Aquarius - The phrase ships that pass in the night is used to describe a negative - regret for something lost. If they didn't pass, wouldn't they just crash into one another? Apparently there are other options; friendly gestures with bells and beacons; still there's also boarding by pirates. To be on the safe side ships should keep their distance but maintain eye contact.

Pisces - Don't pretend to want anything other than what you really really want. Going along just to get along will not get anybody very far. You're an adult right? Dealing with other adults? Okay then, just come out and say what it is that you're feeling and what you want. Oh heavens don't explain why, nobody but you needs to know your motivation for any of this.

Sunday, May 03, 2009

Blogoscopes Week of May 4 to 11, 2009

Aries - Nobody was even looking at you until you started screaming "it wasn't me". A certain sign of guilt one would thing, yet strangely no one seems to be taking you seriously. Best of both worlds really, you've confessed, no one can say you haven't, and it would seem that you have escaped retribution.....or have you? Better look for a way to work off some karma.

Taurus - One cannot be in any doubt - you strongly believe that this project someone has been telling you about is a crock. It will never work, it's a pipe dream and what is required is less naval gazing more hard work. If it's such a sure fire flop, why are you so determined to help out? Oh that's right you're getting paid for this....right? You better get something out of it.

Gemini - You are very good at convincing others to see things your way. To your detriment, you are all too aware of how talented you are in this area. You might be getting a bit slack. You can't just step up to the plate and expect to hit it out of the park every single time - unless of course you are able to bring the same passion, openness and wonder to every inning that you did to the first.

Cancer - You know where you want to be in life and what you hope to accomplish, but some days you wake up wondering. Is this where you thought you'd be at this time in life? Is this where you want to be? Are you on the right path? Heaven knows there's nothing like an early morning bout of existential angst to kick off the week. Stop worrying and go eat some breakfast.

Leo - You may have inadvertently led someone to expect something from you that you have no intention of giving. When I say inadvertently I mean that you were so caught up in the moment, the energy, the magic that you lost your normal discretion and well let's just say we all hope the results don't end up on-line. It's not a question of right or wrong, just ownership. You had fun, admit it and move on.

Virgo - If you were looking for a needle in a haystack, would you use a flashlight or a super high intensity spotlight? Logically, the brighter light would give you a greater chance of success. But the smaller light would give you more focus. If you have to filter an entire stack of hay wouldn't it be easier to do it bit by bit rather than all at once?

Libra - During the course of your lifetime, you have developed a finely honed means of dealing with those who would thrust their needs upon you. This week add listening to that repertoire. Not because they're right, but because you need to discover why they think it's okay to treat you like this. Then you can update your defense mechanism. Knowledge is power my dear; get it, grow it, use it.

Scorpio - Surprise! Oh shit, you hate surprises. Unexpected events are unplanned and unplanned means you're not in charge and then who knows what will happen! Chaos and running amok are likely outcomes. Things cannot be allowed to just happen willy-nilly like this! Okay simmer down. Are you sure this was a complete surprise? Didn't some part of you know this would happen? So it's kind of like you planned it.

Sagittarius - Wouldn't it be nice if every day you could walk out of your same familiar door and into a whole brand new world? And then wouldn't it be lovely if at the end of every brand new day you could walk right back in through that well-known door and be home? Well guess what? You can. In fact you do, every single day, you just have to look for it. Find something fresh in the familiar.

Capricorn - This week, your mission, should you choose to accept it is to find a way to incorporate your dreams into your life on both a personal and a professional level. Dreams and visualisations are good ways to manifest the love and success you crave but there's a time and place. Figure something out before you find yourself shouting 'yes Rhett Butler I will marry you' in the middle of a meeting.

Aquarius - Do you feel that you're living someone else's life? There's a sense of clothes not fitting right, things not being where you left them, stuff you don't own showing up in your underwear drawer. It pisses you off, and you would really like it very much thank you if who ever was playing silly-buggers with your life would just stop. Um, you might want to check the mirror one more time.

Pisces - You woke up this morning and discovered that you suddenly have the most amazing singing voice and the ability to dance like Fred Astaire. This is fantastic. this changes everything. Oh, except you have to go to work. No, you have to, even if you make it onto a reality show you won't be famous in time to pay the rent. Yes it sucks, but you have to find a way to become famous in your off hours.

Sunday, April 19, 2009

Blogoscopes Week of April 20 to 27, 2009

Aries – The job of every Aries is to discover who he or she is. There are many ways in which they can accomplish this: owning stuff, doing stuff, trying stuff - emulating a role model. Stuff isn’t who you are so forget about that. And you may not have a real-life role model but I’ll bet you have one in your head. Now, sans stuff and avec role model who are you? Like it? Excellent. Don’t like it? Fix it.

Taurus – There are acrobats, clowns and circus performers who can balance towering stacks of delicate and oddly shaped objects on their noses and chins! Ever watch a performance where they dropped anything? But you would think that at some point in their careers, they would have had to drop something. You don’t achieve excellence without practice, and practice means making mistakes. If you don’t do something wrong how can you tell when it’s right?

Gemini – Are you familiar with the expression ‘talk to the hand’? Try it this week – talk to your own hands. And while you’re talking to them, really take the time to look at them closely. Are they impeccably groomed? Does the right hand know what the left one’s been doing? Have you forgotten how beautiful and talented they are? Take your hands on a date – play piano, finger-paint, have a manicure, or even better, play in the mud and get them dirty.

Cancer - Fame is a lonely place. Famous people (FPs) feel they are constantly being scrutinised, criticised and compartmentalised. It’s all so superficial but FPs can’t risk letting anyone close enough to actually see them. FPs have dozens of hangers-on but who are their friends? It’s a bit like raging paranoia, wearing disguises to show people what they want to see. An FPs life is one never-ending red carpet. The good news for you this week is that you’re not an FP.

Leo – You are the Elvis of the zodiac. Everyone says they’ve seen a Leo, but none of these sightings can be verified. There was a woman in Schenectady who saw you at Burger King (as if); a Tibetan monk remembers sitting zazen with you (more likely); and a gorilla using sign language claims to have discussed Kierkegaard, Dylan and the designated hitter rule with you (oh come on). All are fantasy: all are true. You have become an urban legend. How does that feel?

Virgo – Your long repressed fear of public speaking is about to erupt as you stand before the world and tell them that things need to change or else. Public speaking? You meant to tell only a few people. Yep, but there’s an echo in here and a lot of cross talk and perhaps a solar flare or two, so if you want to get your message across you’re going to have to speak slowly and clearly. Use small words and be prepared to repeat yourself. Sounds hellish I know but you can do it.

Libra – Have you ever wondered what life would be like if you were able to live at the bottom of a swimming pool? Well wonder no more! For a limited time only, you Libra have the amazing ability to survive on chlorine and fish food. It’s like living in an aquarium with curtains. No gawkers mindlessly staring with their noses pressed against the glass. Of course you do run the risk of having people drop things on you from above but at least that is deliberate.

Scorpio – Sometimes you really take the cake, and this week you have the ability to devour an entire bakery while the rest of the world is busy elsewhere. There’s no need to be sneaky about this, it’s your bakery and you’ve earned it, but you have always enjoyed a little drama, and a little subterfuge just adds spice. If you want to make this experience even more fun, why not create the diversion that distracts everyone, then sit there with icing on your face and deny the whole thing.

Sagittarius – Millions of iPod wearers can’t be wrong, the world is better with music. Whatever is going on around you can be better borne or ignored if you are listening to a personal soundtrack. Every ear-bud-wearing, headphone-sporting commuter in every major metropolis is starring in their own movie. Problems occur when plot-lines get tangled. To avoid getting caught up in someone else’s drama this week, instead of digitized music try creating your sound track out of ambient noise.

Capricorn – There’s a rumour going around that you have been at home, alone, drinking in the dark. Gasp! You are horrified, who has been saying these things about you, and it’s not true! Really....what if they said there was a blackout and the drink was tea? Would that change how you feel? There are different ways to look at everything and there are different ways to look at you. Don’t just go assuming that everyone is staring at your bad side; and yes, you have a bad side, get over it.

Aquarius – Wouldn’t dodge ball be fun if it were a two way game with multiple projectiles? Imagine that you’re in the middle and everyone in the circle has a basketball to throw at you. Now imagine that you have your own missiles to hurl back at the circle. Granted, the game would be more fun if you weren’t blindfolded and armed with nerf. Channel your inner Luke and use the force. There’s only one target you aiming at and you don’t need to see it to hit it.

Pisces – One of the saddest things about the commodification of myth is the way in which our culture has belittled the goddess of the hearth. She died sometime in the 70’s with the advent of those twee kitchen-witch ornaments that littered every home. The result is that many have forgotten how to feed themselves. You have a goddess given duty to don your frilly pink apron and pass on the wisdom of the hearth. The first rule - if you want to make soufflé you have to break a few eggs.

Sunday, April 12, 2009

Blogoscopes Week of April 13 to 20, 2009

Aries - Your horoscope this week is about somebody else; actually everybody else. You have an interesting way of interacting with others, veering between wildly divergent interpersonal styles. As a result, your friends are puzzled, peeved and possibly a bit frightened. Try to recognize the other people in this picture. That should clear things ups a bit.

Taurus - Have you ever noticed that when experiencing powerful emotions, you tend to intellectualize? It's a great strategy for avoiding pointless confrontation and it lends an air of righteousness to the proceedings. Plus, the rational mind has all those facts going for it while emotions just have nebulous feelings. A creative outlet will help you manage both.

Gemini - Your brain is full. Time for some routine maintenance while you ditch the contents of your mental recycle bin. Clean out your inbox; send replies where needed. Tidy up your folders and clean out your cache. Organize your photo files and music collection, run scan disk and a hard drive defrag. Get a good night's sleep. Okay, now you're ready to get things done.

Cancer - If you were Sisyphus, you could push that rock up that hill in record time. And you would make sure that the darn thing stayed put and stopped rolling right back down the hill. Well maybe not the first time, but you would keep at it until you succeeded. You have the strength, confidence and determination to defy the gods and toss that boulder aside. Use this power wisely.

Leo - It is impossible to over-estimate the importance of every decision you make - isn't it? Making one wrong choice could mean, a change in your social status, the ridicule of your peers, higher bank fees- in fact life as you now know it would cease. Sometimes it's difficult to distinguish between drama and paranoia but you should be looking for that line - probably behind you.

Virgo - You may find verbalising your goals is a good idea, but if you have to convince others to go along with you, talking it out to yourself first will help to hone your approach and guarantee success while not boring the pants off of anybody. If that sounds like too much work then re-schedule any human interaction for a day when you might have a clue what you're doing.

Libra - Imagine that you are Queen For A Day (guys play along). You get to be the centre of attention and anything you want you can have, all you have to do is ask for it. If the word 'attention' set off a panic attack, relax; the asking is the important thing here. Tell them how you feel and ask to be left alone. You'll get respect and privacy. Now think Queen For A Week.

Scorpio - There has never been a better time for you to have an out of body experience. Your emotions are threatening to overwhelm you and in an effort to let off some steam you are tempted to indulge in some over the top retail therapy or inappropriate physical encounter. Step back and watch yourself objectively. Do you see what you're doing and why?

Sagittarius - There are definitely many different kinds of truth, but are all truths are equally valid? It's easy to be convinced that your truth is the best truth when it's the only truth you can see. This week you will experience truth from another view point and while it may not change your mind, it should quiet your criticism and increase your patience.

Capricorn - Spiritually you feel a big sneeze coming. Your impulse is to grab a hanky, warn everyone and then turn your face away; all of which is guaranteed to make you loose the urge to sneeze. Next you'll go through ridiculous machinations like staring at bright lights or sniffing pepper. Eventually the sneeze will come when it's most likely to embarrass you.

Aquarius - You've got boundary issues at the moment. There are places where the public has indiscriminately trampled your rose garden. There are other places where you have been the transgressor. It might be worthwhile to determine how much and which parts of your private space you are prepared to share. Draw a smaller "Do Not Enter" space and get comfortable with it.

Pisces - Pill popping has always seemed to me to be a suspiciously easy way of fixing things. Substance abuse should be a much more organic process, allowing you to achieve a level of lucid relaxation rather than becoming anesthetized. We each have to find our own personal balance which is great because not only is the research fun, the results are wonderful.

Saturday, April 04, 2009

Blogoscopes Week of April 6 to 13, 2009

Aries - You are on fire with a new found purpose in life. You have knowledge and insight that you feel a passionate need to share with those less fortunate and so you have decided to shine your light into previously unexplored areas of your world in order to spread the good news. Just a suggestion - don't run away to missionary school, join the circus. It's an old fashioned idea, but there is much that can be communicated with sequins and tutus.

Taurus - You seem to have opened a tour guide company called "Taurus Travel - We'll get you there or else". There's a broad time continuum involved so some of you are packing bags, forwarding mail and gearing up for take off, while the rest of you are seeking cures for jet lag and falling asleep at your desks. For those of you just leaving, relax, you've done this before and you haven't forgotten anything. For those of you just returning, you're cute when you drool.

Gemini - You were multi-tasking in the back of your cab headed west at rush hour when suddenly something shiny caught your eye and as you quickly looked left, you saw a giant, dishing out chocolate ice cream cones while riding a unicycle. You hopped out of the cab - you had to have ice cream - but forgot to pay the cabbie who chased you, shouting for his money until you handed him an ice cream cone. As you took your first taste, music began to play and everyone danced.

Cancer - Ever watched Sumo wrestling? Is it theatre? Is it actual combat? Or, is it perhaps a mixture of both? The outcome may be real but the actual battle is a bit over the top. And who decided that it should be done in diapers? You don't weigh enough to be a Sumo so you better find another fighting style. Don't back down, but it's easier to achieve a win/win situation if you knock off the theatricals.

Leo - You've been in this phase of - let's not say navel gazing, let's call it self reflection - and as you emerge from your meditations you may discover that 'self' is the only touch stone you have; nothing else seems familiar or known to you. Accustomed as you are to your own company you may not immediately realize that you are alone. This will change. Re-entry is always the hardest part; just go slowly and don't get burned by the atmosphere.

Virgo - You are caught on the horns of a dilemma. What to do, what to do? You've got the devil whispering in one ear and your dreams in the other and action seems impossible. Listen closely: first, expose and share secrets - yours and theirs: second, pay very close attention to the details of your expanding future - don't be fooled by false appearances: third and last, let go of old wrongs and injuries - retribution is so last year.

Libra - You're talking into the wrong end of the megaphone. Seriously, you're getting blasted by sound but your replies are getting lost in the air. Which is a shame because what you're saying makes wonderful sense. So do the words coming out of that loudspeaker if only you could hear them properly. Maybe a voice amplifier is not what is needed here. If you can't invent some outside-of-the-box way to hear and be heard, consider buying one.

Scorpio - You have a commendable ability to entertain yourself. You don't seem to require toys, games, books or even the company of others - you just have fun doing whatever it is that you're doing. Good for you....except that right now you might want to take a look around. You're entertaining yourself with a song and dance number while everyone else is trying to watch a movie. Best to continue your musical interlude elsewhere lest you invite unwanted aggression.

Sagittarius - Okay enough about you, let's talk about me for a while, what do I think about you? Well I think we're not really done talking about you yet. You are fascinating and there's is always something interesting going on in your life, but it might be a good idea for you to take a closer look at the impact that wonderful you is having on your environs - including people. Being right is great until it leads to being left.

Capricorn - Psst, come here where no on is listening, now let's talk about that thing on your face. Sure you can say zit - I was going for expression but we can call it a zit. If you smile does the zit magically disappear? When you're relaxing with friends is the zit less noticeable? Is there one part of your life that makes you look like ZitZilla? Now do you believe it's not a zit? Cancel the chemical peel.

Aquarius - We all have different ways of not being alone. Some of us have pets; others belong to clubs; some of us are just sluts. There are just as many ways for an Aquarian to be alone in a crowd, like zoning out, freaking out and walking out. Lovable-Eccentrics 2 Rest-Of-The-World 0. It's time to rack up a few extra lovable points just in case. You know what's expected of you, just do your version of it.

Pisces - The number one secret of successful people is an absolutely unshakable belief in self. The number two secret is that they all know exactly what they have to do in order to get their own way: how much money it will cost, how nice they have to be, how much of their souls/pride they have to sell/swallow. You have the faith, the cost is minimal: no need to pull out the tears - you're in the power position on this one.

Sunday, March 29, 2009

Aries - Science now thinks that the series of people who were the voice of the Oracle at Delphi were probably high on methane fumes leaking from the earth. What in ancient times was revered as the voice of the gods was actually the stoned ramblings of a fallible human being. Oops! So, all this stuff you're telling everybody....is it actually divine inspiration or should you be using your inside voice?

Taurus - You are an all or nothing kind of person and you rarely do anything in half measures. At the moment you appear to be stuck exactly half way to some exquisite horizon that only you can see....and it's driving you nuts! Is it possible that you need glasses, because from here, it looks as though you're aiming at 5 widely divergent targets, not one. By all means continue to strive toward all 5, but could you consider cutting back to 3 at a time?

Gemini - Have you ever been shot out of a cannon? Sure, there are dangers in attempting it but nothing ventured nothing gained and you should consider trying it at least once. There will be those among your acquaintance who will try to talk you out of this. Listen carefully to their reasoning and then present them with your own. Then listen again. You should find that they'll not only be on board with it, they'll supply your safety net.

Cancer - So you're finding yourself bursting into anguished tears, uncontrolled laughter and exuberant flatulence and have absolutely no idea where all of this is coming from. It's only human to be embarrassed by these startling public eruptions and to rush to defend or excuse them, but that may not be your best course of action right now. Just accept that these things happen and in private sit down for a serious tete-a-tete with those emotions of yours.

Leo - Until further notice, the Gypsy will assume that you have been kidnapped by alien beings and are currently undergoing some rigorous - though pleasant - training by a race light years superior to our own. Some of you feel this is the reason you were born. Some of you want out right now. For those of you in the second group help is available. Blink once for yes and twice for no.

Virgo - We're all in agreement that the world would be a much better place if the sky were an unusual shade of lilac filled with green clouds; if rain was fuchsia and snow was orange; if grass were red and trees were blue - or whatever it is that these things look like through your eyes. The sad fact is that they're not. You might want to consider inventing glasses that will let the rest of us share your vision. Until then you will have to paint word pictures.

Libra - There are three rules to successful steering of any type of vehicle - bicycle, car, 747. One - keep a light but firm grasp on the wheel; two - don't slew the wheel from side to side, try to maintain a steady course; and three - never ever let anyone else gain control of the wheel - power struggles equal crashes. However, don't be afraid to follow directions - a good navigator is worth their weight in gold, and a good navigator also won't drive you into a tree.

Scorpio - You should be in understudy mode - the leading role is not yours but you need to be learning all the moves, memorizing the lines and rehearsing your blocking as if it were going to be your name that goes up in lights. You might never get called upon. The lead in this play might not break an ankle, not lose their voice or not get a last minute offer from Hollywood. You might not have to be ready, but you should always look as though you are.

Sagittarius - The best advice for you this week Sagittarius, is don't party with newbies. You are in the zone, ready to go, know what you want and want to have the maximum amount of fun getting it. The last thing in the world you need is to be tripping over a bunch of clueless klutzes. If you do encounter neophytes, the worst that can happen is that you'll have to ask them politely to get out of your way, but still, sheesh, buzz kill!

Capricorn - If someone thinks you're crazy, how do you convince them otherwise without looking even crazier than they already think you are? Experience has taught you to be prepared with a detailed and reasoned defense of everything you do....which, when you come to think about it is a little bit crazy, no? But honestly, who cares if people think you're crazy? Practice saying "not me" over and over, but quietly in case someone hears and thinks you're crazy.

Aquarius - Your mind is like an alcoholic lapidary - it is a sharp and incisive tool but it can sometimes be a little shaky on the details. Focus for a while and you will find yourself with a crick in your neck and no clear memory of what you're trying to achieve. Two things to keep in mind here - one is that you must only concentrate on the things you truly love, and two, get up and stretch your legs from time to time.

Pisces - If you can't be in The Grand Bazaar now, at least make the effort to go shopping. Oh sure, times are tight, money is tighter and you don't really need anything anyway - BUT - if you were to happen to find yourself in the market place you might just discover a real steal on something that you have always dreamed of having, or you might be offered a good price for that white elephant you've been toting around. The name of the game is haggle.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Blogoscopes Week of March 23 to 30, 2009

Aries - You are generally intelligent and inquisitive, moving head first into life but there's that one little area where you go to play three wise monkeys. You've been kidding yourself that if you don't see it, hear it or speak about it that it will go away. It won't. In fact, three monkeys become one elephant inthe room. The more you talk about it the better it will get. Can't tell anyone about it? Talk to your own reflection - the effect will be the same.

Taurus – The gods are calling upon you to honour the spring equinox with a sacrificial rite. Relax; it’s not as horrible as it sounds. You need a bit of spiritual retreat right now – time to go through all of your old thoughts and ideas and throw out the ones that no longer fit you. Take time to do this mindfully but don’t dawdle. You will soon see that there is space for some brand spanking shiny new ideas to move in.

Gemini – You are admirably suited to being a modern day soap-box orator. Which begs the question ‘what is a soap box and what can I use instead’? Obviously you need to find a modern equivalent; something to lift you above the masses so that your message can be heard by all. It could be a milk crate, footstool or even really high heels, but whatever you choose should be sturdy, you may be standing on it for a while.

Cancer - You’re just about the only person I know who could go to a really great party and have a good time curled up in a corner talking to no one; which is exactly what you seem to be doing now. For the moment, your fellow celebrants are too busy to notice that you’re sitting this one out. Soon however, you will have to find some method of convincing all that you really are enjoying yourself – or you could pretend to pass out. That’ll get them off your back.

Leo – Are you feeling lucky? You should be. This is the week that all your ships come in, your eggs hatch and dreams come true. Even better, you currently have the ability to multiply whatever good fortune comes your way and to use it in a way that provides you with inner peace and does some pretty special stuff for the rest of your world as well. I’m not saying you’re Mother Theresa, or Bono, but your good intentions will pay off.

Virgo - You are poised at the top of an impressive staircase. The Rest of The World is at the bottom of the staircase watching your slo-mo descent. Shit, it's that dream again - the one where you're naked and you're supposed to be addressing the nation right now. Don't panic! You have choices. You are in control of your dreams. So, you can wake yourself up or you can give that speech in your birthday suit. Up to you. Whichever way you pick, give it some welly.

Libra - This column may have recently compared you to an amnesia victim, but I forget. Amnesia is a tried and true plot line of every long running television drama, soap opera or murder series. Whether in spite of this or because of it, most people don't realize how incredibly difficult amnesia is to fake. Which is great because you don't have many people to fool so the odds that it will work are skyrocketing. Your success is guaranteed.

Scorpio - Phillipe Petit, the man in "Man on Wire" is your inspiration for the week. Not that illegal activities and death defying performances should be your goal, but you shouldn't be afraid to show off a little bit as long as you can back up the swagger. Imagine what it would feel like to be standing 1350 feet above the ground and you're about to step out on to a wire. You should feel exhilarated enough to pull off a real showstopper. We're all holding out breath.

Sagittarius - The force is strong in this one Obi Wan. You have mastered the age old Jedi mind trick and are really having fun getting everybody to agree with you. However, this is not the way of the Jedi and you are in serious danger of finding yourself on the dark side. Sure it sounds sexy(black capes and jack boots)but you would soon discover that evil unopposed get's really boring. Dust off your light sabre and prepare to defend your ideas for a change.

Capricorn - Hey twinkle toes watch where you're walking! It doesn't matter that you didn't mean to hurt anyone, it's always the not meaning that hurts. Somewhere along the line you've done something glib, overlooked a reaction, given someone short shrift....things that would drive you crazy if the dance shoe was on the other foot. Stop for a moment right now and make the time to bring your people up to speed. They'll be much more help when they know what's going on.

Aquarius - Speaking of breathtaking, did you see the photos of the volcanic eruption near Tonga? Tectonic plates are shifting and what is happening is literally the birth of an island. Did you know that this is how Iceland formed? It's your creative visualization for the week. Recent disturbances have produced the material for some new land mass in your life. Fortunately unlike Tonga you are not threatened by a Tsunami. You might feel a bit weepy though.

Pisces - Holy shit the voices are really loud right now! And they're arguing. Which is good because it means that you're still nominally in control. A house divided and all that....just hang on for a bit longer, keep doing what you're doing and the demons will destroy each other. How long is longer? A month. What is it that you're doing? Working. Keep going; turn on the auto-pilot if you must. If you let it, work can create a sort of zen space for you right now.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Blogoscopes Week of March 16 to 23, 2009

Aries - Holy shit people don't want much do they? Everything would be so great if they would just either get with the program or get out of your way. You wish they'd leave you alone and let you get on with it. This is a problem because right now you need those people the way chocolate needs peanut butter. They're the gooey bit that fills up all your empty spaces. Crunchy or smoothie you gotta love them.

Taurus - You're feeling all right just now. You got through that last bit - it was a good bit but stressful. You're sure there's more to come - you can almost hear the distant shouting - but you are determined to survive the next bit as well. Oh for heaven sake of course you'll survive it, it's just a bit of time management. Sometimes you need to not burn your bridges before you cross them.

Gemini - Every home should have a holy fool. An individual who is there when needed to point out the elephant in the room, and do it in a way that makes everyone laugh and feel better about living with an elephant. It won't make the elephant go away, but at least once everyone has acknowledged it you can get on with cleaning up all the pachyderm poop. Oh hey, what if your fool was also your cleaning lady?

Cancer - If you were a character on Lost you would be Jack. You're feeling confident, making solid decisions, and managing to convince those around you that there is hope and you do know what you're doing. Excellent, now relax, because this is the episode where you find out that there's a ship on the way, the pretty girl loves you and Sawyer is gay! Everything else was just a dream.

Leo - If cats could use can openers the human race would be doomed. Which is one way of saying that the rest of the world has caught on to your tricks. If you're rubbing around their ankles, it most likely means that you want something. Hark! The tsk of indignant Leos everywhere. Don't be coy, you know it's true. You should consider learning how to use a can opener. That's a metaphor.

Virgo - Somebody has been drawing lines in the sand and daring you to cross them. You don't know whether to take that dare or to draw your own line and demand some stepping. I don't see a win for you in either scenario. Why not try this instead: draw a huge wiggly amoeba in the sand - take your time, sing and dance as you do this. When it's finished, ask everybody including you to step inside it.

Libra - Have you ever wondered if maybe fish aren't the mindless salad ingredients we think they are? They are exotic enough to be aliens. There are enough of them to field a sizeable army. Is it possible that dolphins are actually controlled by fish in their search to conquer the world? Oh of course not, that's utter nonsense. Stop thinking these things immediately. On the other hand chickens might.....

Scorpio - When you were little you had a super hero costume. It didn't have tights and a cape. It didn't afford you any super powers. It did look like your everyday clothes and it did allow you to protect everybody you love. Actually sweetie it didn't and it still doesn't. In fact it barely protects your butt anymore. It's time to forget heroing and fully assume your secret identity.

Sagittarius - Not that there's anything wrong with your bladder, but if there were how would you let people know that you were in pain and didn't want to be touched? You could explain to others how you feel and tell them how you'd like to be treated. You wear a t-shirt that reads Renal Retentive. Or you could grab your crotch, cross your legs and bob up and down. Obviously communication is key.

Capricorn - If took last week's advice, right about now you're checking your speech notes, ready to debut the "BIG PLAN" to your nearest and dearest. Don't panic if they don't receive your ideas in quite the spirit you had hoped they would. Honestly some of them will get nasty. That's their thing - your thing is to realize that this is only a first draft. Don't scrap it, just edit.

Aquarius - This would be a good time for you to join a club. Sure you need lots of alone time but you're a social creature so act like one. What kind of club should you join? How about an association of individuals who enjoy the same things you do; who like to relax and laugh a bit and who really really want you to be happy. What is this organization? It's your fan club. Sign up now!

Pisces -

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Blogoscopes Week of March 9 to 16, 2009

Aries - There's nothing like a little time travel to broaden the mind although why you've chosen to revisit the 60's is anyone's guess. Oh sure you want to do something meaningful with your life, you want to save the world, we all get that, but you would be well advised to find a different vernacular and stop talking like a doped out reject from Haight-Ashbury.

Taurus - You overhear a thoughtless and cruel remark this week and instantly leap to confound and belittle the speaker in a dazzling display of rhetoric amd moral superiority. You've misconstrued the use of the word huge and mistakenly taken it personally but as luck would have it you realize this just as the elevator doors close. With luck anyone who witnessed it will just think you're crazy.

Gemini - You've tried to leave this movie theatre several times now and each time you stand up someone shouts you back into your seat. For heaven's sake they're only watching the trailers, what in the world would you be spoiling for them if you walked out now? Nothing. If you want to leave, then leave. But, if their good will means anything to you then just relax and wait it out.

Cancer - Are people stranger in the summer than they are in the winter? Not likely, but in the winter they're crazy at home where they won't bother anyone. Once the weather warms up they all come out of doors and act weird in front of the whole world. Perfect tine to test-drive your new attitude. If it doesn't workout right away, no one will notice amidst the chaos. Dementia could be the new black.

Leo - Did you ever hear the joke about the guy who dreamed he was eating a giant marshmallow and woke up to find his pillow was gone? Pay attention and keep this in mind as you fall asleep because you've recently developed a love for soft sweet things and if you were to have a similar dream you might wake up to discover your pillow, your duvet and your entire mattress have been eaten.

Virgo - You should consider moving all of your furniture to the centre of each room in your house. Shift it all - bookcases away from the walls, sofas in a heap, store some of it the basement or garage if you can but clear a pathway for yourself to be able to freely wander about your home waving your hands inthe air and shouting. No nothing is wrong, it will just feel really good to do this.

Libra - If you were the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland, you would never arrive anywhere on time. This would have absolutely nothing to do with your conscientousnous, your organizational skills or your memory. It would have more to do with the fact that every time you hear yourself singing "I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date...." you have to stop to try and remember the rest of the lyric.

Scorpio - All that you need to know this week is that you should watch "Life of Brian". Not the whole thing, just the last bit really. The crucifixion scene with everyone singing "Always Look On The Bright Side of Life". Watch it over and over and over. Dance to it. Do this everytime you feel the need to examine your life in depth. Believe me, it can wait.

Sagittarius - You have crossed the burning desert, you have swum the widest river, you have climbed to the top of the tallest mountain and you have seen your guru. He asked you if you wanted to smoke some sort of pipe and you wisely decided that you wouldn't so you left and came back home where you quietly went about doing the day to day things that have actual value and meaning.

Capricorn - Your relationship with paper is about to vastly improve. It's possible that you didn't realize how bad things have gotten, but paper has begun to feel that the two of you have a problematic, even antagonistic connection. Paper is prepared to take the first step on the road to conciliation, but you have to meet it half way. This week don't talk, write everything you want to say. Everything!

Aquarius - You have a job to be done this week and you need everyone to cooperate with you. Which they won't do if you don't take a moment to stop and explain to them what it is you're hoping to accomplish and how you would like them to help. None of them can read your mind and with your mouth full of chocolate cake they can barely understand a word you say.

Pisces - You bought the world's biggest pair of invisible headphones and they are doing an incredible job of blocking out all the annoying sounds from the world around you. Which is of course making it easy for you to ignore all the moaning and whining but means that you're missing a genuine request from a sane person who really needs your help.

Saturday, February 28, 2009

Blogoscopes Week of March 2 to March 9, 2009

Aries - Lion/lamb - March is supposed to come in like one, and go out like the other. So what do we make of this insane weather? Well either the lion is a pothead or the lamb is carrying a holy hand grenade. One thing is certain, the promise of spring has you eager to get out and the constant barking at the door is getting a little old. Stop being silly and just stand up and turn the handle. You are quite capable of opening your own doors.

Taurus - I don't know if I've confessed this to you but I've recently developed a mania for hidden object games which I play on line as often as possible. They've had an interesting affect on my visual acuity in the real world and I suddenly find myself constantly spotting odd objects in unexpected places. Maybe you should give them a try because so far you've failed to notice that sparkly thing beckoning you from a distant shore. There is a mini-puzzle for you to solve first and time is passing quickly!

Gemini - Welcome to your personal acid trip - I mean that in a good way. You don't seem to be completely anchored to the earth at this point which will lead to some interesting discoveries for you regarding friends and relations who are trying to communicate with you and the ways in which they go about this. Your altered perceptions help you see the heart beating in one person's words, tears in an other's music. A third someone will suddenly look like a great big doo-doo head.

Cancer - I'm looking over your grocery list for the week and I see eggs, tuna, flour, save the world, toilet paper....wait back up - save the world? While there is no doubt that a conscientious approach to what we consume is laudable, I'm not sure it qualifies as saving the world. Perhaps this is an indication of a deeper longing? Before you patch the hole in your super hero tights ask yourself what it is you're really trying to save.

Leo - I'm a big believer in the idea that if I'm happy the rest of the world is happy. Well the rest of my world anyway. This works because my personal satisfaction with life allows me to share more easily and joyfully with others. So, what I'm saying is that it's time to come down and return from your mountaintop, your walk-about, your yogic explorations and get with the sharing bit. Sure it's easy to be happy when you're in heaven but give it a test drive back here on earth.

Virgo - You are the current possessor of my absolute favourite super power. You can slow down time to such an extent that you appear to be moving at the speed of light. Five minutes from now your spouse burns dinner and you've ordered Thai before the smoke alarm goes off. Your boss is unhappy with this quarter's figures and you've re-worked the spreadsheet before his blood pressure spiked. The best part of this talent? No one has any idea how you do it.

Libra - You need to clarify things with your nearest and dearest. There may have been a slight misunderstanding about mutual goals and you are much more likely to get most of your own way and avoid an argument if you slow things down and take a look at where each of you thinks you're heading. Own your part of the confusion, but no more than your part, and try to stay cool about it. At least now you know where things were going wrong and you can correct your course.

Scorpio - A few weeks down the road, you may discover that you spent this week walking around with your skirt tucked into your tights or a big gob of spinach on your teeth but you know what? So what? By the time you learn this it will be a thing of the past. Plus, you're in such a good space right now why spoil it with unnecessary self-awareness? Of course when this later knowledge arrives you will also understand why some people seem to be avoiding you lately.

Sagittarius - If there is someone you know who is just aching for a few very special words from you, I beg of you please - do not say them! I'm not questioning your sincerity. You really mean every truly affectionate bon mot that drops from your lips. The reason I ask you to wait is that you seem so overwhelmingly happy with just about everybody and every thing right now that there's a certain drunken quality to your affection that will dilute it for your audience.

Capricorn - You have some of the weirdest fantasies of anyone I know. I ask you, if your dream of being loved and admired by every person on the planet, ever came true, what would you do for an encore? More importantly, in this fantasy have you ever sketched in the details of exactly why everyone would come to love you so much? Maybe you should give some daydreaming time to that. Imagine yourself being idolized for being brave and generous. Did that change the look on any worshippers' faces?

Aquarius - You are experiencing a little spiritual PMS. You're hyper aware of that bloated cranky feeling that comes from not having fully processed your latest growth spurt. To be fair, life has been coming at you full tilt for quite some time, but that is no excuse for ignoring your deepest needs. Think of this week as one big psychic personal day. Climb into metaphorical bed, pull the metaphorical covers over your head and ignore the metaphorical world for a while. Change the sheets first.

Pisces - Let's pretend that you've got amnesia. No, this is not an opportunity to blow off any work assignments, dinner engagements or other commitments you have made. It is an opportunity to put aside your carefully constructed concept of self and see yourself as others do. Turn to the people around you and ask them to tell you who you are. Don't do this to strangers on a crowded subway car, it's okay to remember who your friends are.

Saturday, February 21, 2009

Blogoscopes Week of February 23 to March 2, 2009

Aries - OK, quick, Romy or Michelle? Don't pretend you don't know what I'm talking about. Whence sprung your personal adolescent angst, and how do you wish it had turned out instead? Is this where you thought you'd be? If you don't know or just can't say, here's a hint - for good or ill, it's that thing that's on your mind just before you fall asleep every night.

Taurus - I was just thinking that there is something very Irish about Taurus and very Taurus about the Irish. That air of melancholy in the happiest moments and weird joy in the difficult ones is distinctly Taurus and something for which the Irish are famed. This week you'll be doing a lot of another Celtic Bull thing - shrugging and just getting on with it. Oh, and Ireland is a Taurus.

Gemini - Ever look at your old photos and try to remember why you took them? There was something in that moment that mattered to you even if you no longer recognize it. If you discard or delete the photo, have you also erased that moment? Does it mean anything to you now? You have an opportunity to see something that you might have missed earlier because you see it now with fresh eyes.

Cancer - Hey crabby pants, what's up with you? I am sure everybody gets that you're not happy, but I am equally certain that nobody knows why you're not happy - including you. You were in the home stretch there for a bit; ahead of the pack; so what happened? Hurdles a bit too high maybe? Course a little long hmmm? Look, life is not a race. Stop running. Concentrate on being here in stead of getting there.

Leo - You got left until the last choosing sides for dodge ball so now you wanna pout not play. Well try to see things their way. Each team wants to win right? And dodge ball is a game that requires intense concentration and agility right? And you have a tendency to get distracted by shiny things - right?. Right now you are not a good competitor. Up your game or ride the bench with a little more grace.

Virgo - Why is it called Heartburn? The burning part I get but where does the heart come into it? Anyway I mention it only to point out that you might yourself be experiencing some real heartburn this week when someone strikes an emotional spark for you. Depending on whether or not you fan the flames, you could have a cozy little fireside or a full on conflagration. Check your smoke alarms.

Libra - When you were a kid did you build leaf forts in autumn? Or did you build leaf houses like I did? What's the difference? The components of one are defense structure, ammo supplies and escape route: in the other it's furniture placement, windows and closet space. There is a third option you might consider for your leaf house - sometimes a well-defined door is all the defense you really need.

Scorpio - So you're loudly, and forcefully expressing a slightly unpopular opinion when suddenly every other sound in the room stops. Yikes, embarrassing or what? You want to avoid this but how do you do it? Well don't change your message - you may not be right but you have every right to feel the way you do. You should, however, give consideration to your delivery. Ever consider a ballad?

Sagittarius - Ever feel as though the universe is playing pinball with your life? Every time you give up, you get hit with something that throws you right back into the thick of the flashing lights and clanging bells, still with no clear idea where you're going. Why can't there just be one flashing light that says go here? Oh come on, you don't really want it to be that easy do you?

Capricorn - So you have started to bake a cake only to discover that you have none of the ingredients you need for this project. And let's just say for argument's sake that all the stores are closed. What to do? Why not borrow from your neighbours? An egg here, cup of sugar there, a little flour - no one will miss the small stuff you borrow. And when the cake is done you can share it. Aren't you smart?

Aquarius - I think it would be fair to say that most people would not attend a kegger intending to meet someone and discuss nihilism or the meaning of life. Seriously, at most parties you won't get any more philosophical than a discussion of the designated hitter rule. If you are determined to be a wet blanket consider hosting your own party and invite all the boring people you know.

Pisces - I think you would look fantastic in a pair of sparkly fairy wings! They suit your mood of magic benevolence and make it easier to travel from one good deed to the next. Consider a full-on Tinkerbell costume, because when reality bursts your bubble - and you know it will - you can easily repair your optimism with some fairy dust and a little applause. This is in no way meant as an endorsement of hallucinogenics.

Sunday, February 15, 2009

Blogoscopes Week of February 16 to 23, 2009

Aries - It may be time for you to check out a new playground: something a little further from home maybe: with abundant flora and friendly fauna. When you find it cast your eye about for some new playfellows. In the past you have been happy to spend solitary afternoons on the swings or the slide, but the hour is ripe for you to have a go on the teeter-totter.

Taurus - I'm issuing a challenge to all you Taurus out there.....I dare you to stop looking at the ground when you walk. Sure you know where you're headed but do you know why? Honestly if you can't lift your eyes and look at where you are on your journey there really doesn't seem to be any point in continuing does there? Of course goals and destinations are important, but so is the scenery. Heads up.

Gemini - Not that you've fallen in with a bad crowd, because you haven't, but what you have done is found yourself in the company of individuals so congenial and interesting that you will try anything to perpetuate this glorious happy feeling. Ask yourself which makes you happier - earning a living, or buying matching purple sequined crocs for all your friends? Not judging, just saying.

Cancer - You've given it a lot of thought lately and you feel absolutely certain that you're ready to take off the training wheels. Not long ago this would have seemed impossible, but now your confidence is high, probably due to your creative visualizations and practice. Start slowly - no free styling - and resist the urge to show off in case you fall off. Now go have fun.

Leo - A couple of years ago, I became convinced that all of my Libra friends had been kidnapped by aliens, or worse, stopped reading my blogoscopes. They were eventually returned unharmed after having wandered away from the group on a tour of the M.C. Escher museum. I'm wondering what weird sort of place you've wandered into and until I hear from you I'm going to be signalling the mother ship every night.

Virgo - What goes around, comes around; you reap what you sow; a bird in the hand is ....oops where was I? Oh yes, you shouldn't really be surprised at what is happening in your world right now. Experiencing a cosmic accident or achieving a life dream, this is not what you expected. It's way more. The sooner you realize that this truly is yours the easier it gets.

Libra - Alright, the Oscars are coming up and I don't want you to make the same mistakes you made on the red carpet at the Grammys. Invisible is not a good look for you: no one will interview you and people will sit on you at the after parties. Let's get a little colour and some glam going here. For the next week, I want you to practice being stared at and liking it!

Scorpio - There should be a voicemail service where you can leave yourself long wordy messages when ever you want. You could be walking down the street and get a great idea, dial this number and tell it everything. Forget the 30 second memo stuff you get on cells and MP3's, forget three minutes messages, this would have some serious minutes. You might have time to forget yourself and speak your heart.

Sagittarius - It won't matter in the slightest what you get done or don't get done these days because you will still have the feeling that there's something really important that you've neglected to do. You'll either run around like a chicken with your head cut off asking every body if they know what you've forgotten, or brood while gnawing on a hang nail and snarling. Who's a ray of sunshine?

Capricorn - So you signed up for Frisbee golf and some how ended up in a beginners class on boomerang golf. This is a very complicated game and frankly you suck at it. Not that your classmates are any better - in fact you're too busy ducking other people's throws to have a chance of catching your own. How the hell did this happen? You best just assume that it's a dream and get it interpreted.

Aquarius - So here's how your own personal meet/cute will play out in the week ahead. You do something scandalous. You're an overnight sensation, the press are hounding you and there's no where for you to be alone. You sneak out the back door, bump in to a cub reporter, convince him/her that you're not the droid s/he seeks. Where confusion goes can hilarity be far behind? You'll live happily ever after.

Pisces - I think it's in every body's best interests for you to go to your time out chair for a little while. You're over tired, probably haven't eaten properly today and you're a little inclined to get cranky, possibly even pushy. Now I want you to go to your chair and just think about what's really going on here. I've made you a sandwich and here's your blankie. I'll wake you up for Y&R.

Sunday, February 08, 2009

Blogoscopes Week of February 9 to 16, 2009

Aries - Quick, off the top of your head, name three places where it would be completely inappropriate to laugh or to shag. Now, unless you're feeling particularly devil may care these days avoid those places for the next week. If any of the three is a place within your own home, look up the meaning of inappropriate.

Taurus - Your current Game Master is a goof; no clue about settings and wouldn't know a dragon from a dwarf. The goals are either ludicrously easy or impossibly arcane and no one is enjoying this. Time for you to stage a coup. You know you've got the goods so take control and create a new plot. Just remember that is is only a game. Don't take it so seriously.

Gemini - My grandmother used to say she could predict the weather by her sciatica. Impending bad news she could "feel in {her} waters" - I try not to think about what that means. You may be feeling similar warning twinges in your psychic bone this week and you would be well advised to heed them. That flickering in your peripheral vision is a steep drop.

Cancer - This would be a good time for you to take one of those mystery bus tours. You know the ones I mean right? You join a group of like-minded strangers (or fellow Rotarians), board a big bus for a day trip whose ultimate destination is unknown to all but the driver and the tour organizer. I predict that you'll be the one to convince the truck stop waitress that she does have seating for 53.

Leo - You're in the mood to buy some new bling. It must be tasteful and elegant but also unique and eye catching. You realize that your baubles say a lot about who you are and you need to choose carefully. Which is why you should wait a bit because right now you would either blow a wad on something you will ultimately hate, or drive the sales people crazy while you try to make up your mind.

Virgo - You're apt to spend the next few days believing that you're only dreaming what's happening around you but being quite content to relax and enjoy it in the meantime. This is good because it's not that dream where you're naked in history class, and the release that stems from this perceived lack of consequences will be the creative energy behind some of your best ideas ever.

Libra - So you're cooking a four course meal - yes I know but bear with me for a moment - and no one ever told you that you shouldn't have all four courses ready at the same time. No worries, just slap the chocolate mousse right down there beside the brussel sprouts and throw a little gravy on the salad. All of which should serve to remind you that when you must do it yourself, find instructions.

Scorpio - I'm looking at your chart this week and thinking what a brilliant idea - combine James Joyce's Ulysses with Mr. Magoo - wandering around blindly using your outside voice to describe your inner stuff. For some reason this is having a positive effect on your world - enjoy it.

Sagittarius - Someone close to you doesn't like your moustache. You've know this for a long time and it's never been a really big deal. Lately you've taken to playing with it, publicly grooming it, even waxing it all in order to evoke a response. Stop before you get what you want. It's become an issue; it needs to be addressed - sensitively. Some people simply have issues and it's best not to sneer.

Capricorn - Have I suggested Interpretive Dance Classes to you lately? Sorry if this is a rerun, but really you need to find a new way of communicating and I think this is the perfect medium for your message. You've already tried reasoning, threatening and begging and look where that got you. At the very least you should confuse and confound the buggers.

Aquarius - Now is the time for some real diva behaviour. The lighting is insipid, the sound track uninspired and your co-star reeks of garlic! You cannot possibly be expected to turn in a perfomance under these conditions so throw a fit and stalk off. If you're new at this (by which I mean self-deluded) wait until you're locked in your trailer to start yelling abuse.

Pisces - You probalby don't know it yet, but in the very near future you're going to need to ask someone for help. No big deal, could be lifting a box, driving you to the airport, lending you a fiver: but while it may seem like a small thing to you, the person you're asking may not see it that way. They certainly won't share your view if you spend all your time abusing them.