Blogoscopes Week of March 16 to 23, 2009

Aries - Holy shit people don't want much do they? Everything would be so great if they would just either get with the program or get out of your way. You wish they'd leave you alone and let you get on with it. This is a problem because right now you need those people the way chocolate needs peanut butter. They're the gooey bit that fills up all your empty spaces. Crunchy or smoothie you gotta love them.

Taurus - You're feeling all right just now. You got through that last bit - it was a good bit but stressful. You're sure there's more to come - you can almost hear the distant shouting - but you are determined to survive the next bit as well. Oh for heaven sake of course you'll survive it, it's just a bit of time management. Sometimes you need to not burn your bridges before you cross them.

Gemini - Every home should have a holy fool. An individual who is there when needed to point out the elephant in the room, and do it in a way that makes everyone laugh and feel better about living with an elephant. It won't make the elephant go away, but at least once everyone has acknowledged it you can get on with cleaning up all the pachyderm poop. Oh hey, what if your fool was also your cleaning lady?

Cancer - If you were a character on Lost you would be Jack. You're feeling confident, making solid decisions, and managing to convince those around you that there is hope and you do know what you're doing. Excellent, now relax, because this is the episode where you find out that there's a ship on the way, the pretty girl loves you and Sawyer is gay! Everything else was just a dream.

Leo - If cats could use can openers the human race would be doomed. Which is one way of saying that the rest of the world has caught on to your tricks. If you're rubbing around their ankles, it most likely means that you want something. Hark! The tsk of indignant Leos everywhere. Don't be coy, you know it's true. You should consider learning how to use a can opener. That's a metaphor.

Virgo - Somebody has been drawing lines in the sand and daring you to cross them. You don't know whether to take that dare or to draw your own line and demand some stepping. I don't see a win for you in either scenario. Why not try this instead: draw a huge wiggly amoeba in the sand - take your time, sing and dance as you do this. When it's finished, ask everybody including you to step inside it.

Libra - Have you ever wondered if maybe fish aren't the mindless salad ingredients we think they are? They are exotic enough to be aliens. There are enough of them to field a sizeable army. Is it possible that dolphins are actually controlled by fish in their search to conquer the world? Oh of course not, that's utter nonsense. Stop thinking these things immediately. On the other hand chickens might.....

Scorpio - When you were little you had a super hero costume. It didn't have tights and a cape. It didn't afford you any super powers. It did look like your everyday clothes and it did allow you to protect everybody you love. Actually sweetie it didn't and it still doesn't. In fact it barely protects your butt anymore. It's time to forget heroing and fully assume your secret identity.

Sagittarius - Not that there's anything wrong with your bladder, but if there were how would you let people know that you were in pain and didn't want to be touched? You could explain to others how you feel and tell them how you'd like to be treated. You wear a t-shirt that reads Renal Retentive. Or you could grab your crotch, cross your legs and bob up and down. Obviously communication is key.

Capricorn - If took last week's advice, right about now you're checking your speech notes, ready to debut the "BIG PLAN" to your nearest and dearest. Don't panic if they don't receive your ideas in quite the spirit you had hoped they would. Honestly some of them will get nasty. That's their thing - your thing is to realize that this is only a first draft. Don't scrap it, just edit.

Aquarius - This would be a good time for you to join a club. Sure you need lots of alone time but you're a social creature so act like one. What kind of club should you join? How about an association of individuals who enjoy the same things you do; who like to relax and laugh a bit and who really really want you to be happy. What is this organization? It's your fan club. Sign up now!

Pisces -