Blogoscopes Week of February 9 to 16, 2009

Aries - Quick, off the top of your head, name three places where it would be completely inappropriate to laugh or to shag. Now, unless you're feeling particularly devil may care these days avoid those places for the next week. If any of the three is a place within your own home, look up the meaning of inappropriate.

Taurus - Your current Game Master is a goof; no clue about settings and wouldn't know a dragon from a dwarf. The goals are either ludicrously easy or impossibly arcane and no one is enjoying this. Time for you to stage a coup. You know you've got the goods so take control and create a new plot. Just remember that is is only a game. Don't take it so seriously.

Gemini - My grandmother used to say she could predict the weather by her sciatica. Impending bad news she could "feel in {her} waters" - I try not to think about what that means. You may be feeling similar warning twinges in your psychic bone this week and you would be well advised to heed them. That flickering in your peripheral vision is a steep drop.

Cancer - This would be a good time for you to take one of those mystery bus tours. You know the ones I mean right? You join a group of like-minded strangers (or fellow Rotarians), board a big bus for a day trip whose ultimate destination is unknown to all but the driver and the tour organizer. I predict that you'll be the one to convince the truck stop waitress that she does have seating for 53.

Leo - You're in the mood to buy some new bling. It must be tasteful and elegant but also unique and eye catching. You realize that your baubles say a lot about who you are and you need to choose carefully. Which is why you should wait a bit because right now you would either blow a wad on something you will ultimately hate, or drive the sales people crazy while you try to make up your mind.

Virgo - You're apt to spend the next few days believing that you're only dreaming what's happening around you but being quite content to relax and enjoy it in the meantime. This is good because it's not that dream where you're naked in history class, and the release that stems from this perceived lack of consequences will be the creative energy behind some of your best ideas ever.

Libra - So you're cooking a four course meal - yes I know but bear with me for a moment - and no one ever told you that you shouldn't have all four courses ready at the same time. No worries, just slap the chocolate mousse right down there beside the brussel sprouts and throw a little gravy on the salad. All of which should serve to remind you that when you must do it yourself, find instructions.

Scorpio - I'm looking at your chart this week and thinking what a brilliant idea - combine James Joyce's Ulysses with Mr. Magoo - wandering around blindly using your outside voice to describe your inner stuff. For some reason this is having a positive effect on your world - enjoy it.

Sagittarius - Someone close to you doesn't like your moustache. You've know this for a long time and it's never been a really big deal. Lately you've taken to playing with it, publicly grooming it, even waxing it all in order to evoke a response. Stop before you get what you want. It's become an issue; it needs to be addressed - sensitively. Some people simply have issues and it's best not to sneer.

Capricorn - Have I suggested Interpretive Dance Classes to you lately? Sorry if this is a rerun, but really you need to find a new way of communicating and I think this is the perfect medium for your message. You've already tried reasoning, threatening and begging and look where that got you. At the very least you should confuse and confound the buggers.

Aquarius - Now is the time for some real diva behaviour. The lighting is insipid, the sound track uninspired and your co-star reeks of garlic! You cannot possibly be expected to turn in a perfomance under these conditions so throw a fit and stalk off. If you're new at this (by which I mean self-deluded) wait until you're locked in your trailer to start yelling abuse.

Pisces - You probalby don't know it yet, but in the very near future you're going to need to ask someone for help. No big deal, could be lifting a box, driving you to the airport, lending you a fiver: but while it may seem like a small thing to you, the person you're asking may not see it that way. They certainly won't share your view if you spend all your time abusing them.