Blogoscopes Week of November 3 to 10, 2008

Aries - This week you discover why it is that money can't buy happiness. It's because if you win the lottery all the people who have hurt and upset you in the past will come out of the woodwork with their hands out. It might be briefly gratifying to deny them a dime, but in the long run no matter how rich you are they are still assholes and will talk trash about you anyway. Save your dough and shower them with kindness instead. That'll teach them.

Taurus - Have you ever had one of those dreams where you are with a large group of people - friends and strangers - and you find it impossible to communicate with any of them? It's almost worse than the not being able to run dream, because it's as if you're invisible. You can stand face to face with your nearest and dearest and they don't even see you let alone hear you. Welcome to your week. Resist the urge to set fire to any one's pants, but fantasize about it if it helps.

Gemini - Three things to keep in mind when borrowing big sister's clothes: you wear different sizes, she hasn't even worn it yet, and, most importantly, you might look better in it than she does. If you don't have a big sister - ESPECIALLY if you don't have a big sister - pay attention to some one who seems to feel you've been messing with their wardrobe. You don't mean to outshine and you don't need to be self-effacing, just realize you will get the bill for the dry cleaning.

Cancer - If a Cancerian had been in charge of naming the months of the year, today would be the 3rd of Big Wussy. What are you a girl? Oh well yes, some of you are so okay. You are one of nature's special children; a delicate flower, too refined and too sensitive for this hard, harsh world. It is essential that you be protected, and a little pampering never hurt either. Be kind to You and allow yourself a treat! You deserve it! Feel better now? Wuss.

Leo - Hey nice car, what did you pay for that car? I'm just asking, no need to bite my head off. So you won it in a poker game, that's great, lucky you. I mean smart, smart you not lucky, poker is a game of skill not luck and you got skills. Yes it is annoying of me to go on like this isn't it so let me just ask you one last thing; did you win any cash at the table? Will the money stretch to groceries this week? And what about gas for that fine automobile? First things first my dear.

Virgo - We definitely need to figure out some alternative form of therapy for you because walking down the street by yourself while conversing with all the voices in your head is not going to work for much longer. People are staring and muttering, some are even trying to make eye contact. They all think you're nuts. The least you can do is buy one of those blue-tooth earphone thingies and try to look as though you're talking to real people.

Libra - Sometimes your life is exactly like a marathon of Murder She Wrote reruns. Your wardrobe is understated and appropriate. You have interesting and wealthy friends who adore you. You travel the world doing things you love and helping those in peril along the way. You know that everything will work out in the end. Most importantly, you never believe the detective in charge of the case, no matter how convincing he is. You know better.

Scorpio - Take extra care this week not to fall asleep under the sun lamp. If there's one thing worse than the pain of sunburn, it's the embarrassment of having a sunburn in November and knowing that in a few weeks time, your partner will be regaling everyone at the company Christmas party with the private and most humiliating aspects of your discomfort. The worst is yet to come when you find your self re-telling those stories with a whine in your voice.

Sagittarius - In the battle for your soul, Satan is currently ahead by a nose. You shouldn't feel guilty about this, he's had a couple of undercover agents of darkness inserted into your life. They're hot, and therefore impossible to resist. Also, the only force facing off against this axis of evil is Glinda the Good and it will take more than a tiara and a fairy wand to score a victory here. Don't worry, the dark side isn't all bad and it's not like you'll be alone.

Capricorn - You should really consider having a hot tub installed in your living room. Yes it would be incredibly expensive, not to mention tacky and just plain weird. Still, I'm sure your parents used to have one just like it which they removed shortly before you were born. It would be a wonderful way to experience that return to the womb feeling and still be on hand to entertain when people drop by. The fact that it's also a great conversation piece is just a bonus.

Aquarius - Eeyore is my least favourite of the inhabitants of the 100 acre wood. I could never understand how he remained so gloomy when he obviously lived in a magical place with wonderful friends. Nor could I see why Pooh and Piglet and Tigger and Roo would put up with him. I do believe that this gave him a strange kind of strength stemming from the belief that no matter what anyone did it was all shit. It's a Nietzschean view point you might care to adopt - short term.

Pisces - If you 've recently been masquerading as a brain surgeon you may discover that someone you met and tried to impress is about to call your bluff. No one will be asking you to perform a lobotomy, but there may be a test to see if you know the brain surgeons' secret handshake. It might be best for you to come clean and admit the misunderstanding, but if I know you, you'll either front like mad or make up some reason to leave town for a while. Perhaps Médecins sans Frontières?