Blogoscopes Week of October 20 to 27, 2008

Aries - I may have mentioned this to you before, but it bears repeating I'm sure. Peeing on someone's foot is not an appropriate means of communicating your affections. If you like someone, bake them a cake or write them a song don't try to hump their leg. This is especially important to you right now because lately you seem to like so many people that the potential for an ugly mob scene is growing exponentially.

Taurus - Granted, it's a little embarrassing but it could happen to anyone. You've generously and publicly pledged your super-hero powers to fighting against injustice. Now you discover that your nemesis, twisted arch-villain L.L. Pants-on-fire, has been living in your garden shed. In the bigger picture it does you credit. It's hard to fight evil when you don't know what it looks like. Semper Vigilant!

Gemini - This week you will have a beautiful dream that all of your friends are gathered in your living room; not the living room you currently inhabit, but the living room of your dreams, beautifully decorated. Your two biggest challenges will be 1) not having this dream while your friends are actually in the living room; and 2) trying to figure out where to get that exquisite vase. Um helloo? Dream.

Cancer - There comes a time in everyone's life when they wonder if they've done what they should have done, been what they should have been, said what they should have said. It can hit a person at any age and at this time of year it's almost an epidemic. Introspection is great up to a point beyond which it becomes a waste of time. It does, however, save you from becoming a total know-it-all wanker.

Leo - Madonna is quite possibly the world's most famous Leo. She is apparently divorcing her husband Guy Ritchie and friends speculate that things began to unravel when he was not attentive enough to her needs. I'm not saying all Leo's are drama queens, but you do have a gift for hyperbole and in defense of 'emotional retards' everywhere can I just point out that if you want your belly rubbed you should at least roll over?

Virgo - Prashant if you're reading, this is for you. For anyone who isn't Prashant, the message is that you are not alone. Many people are not Prashant. But that's okay, you can get in touch with your inner Prashant by making an effort to truly engage with your surroundings. You don't need to buy art supplies because you don't actually need to draw it or paint it; just stare at your world for as long as it takes you to fall in love with it.

Libra - I hope that you don't know any of my Aries friends because if one of them currently has a crush on you, you'd be just the person to drum up an angry mob. You are justifiably ticked off and not even a little bit shy about telling people exactly that. Which is great if the people you're ticked with are the only ones listening. Sadly, innocent by-standers will be swayed by your appeal and wade in to assist and defend you. Just so you know this could get ugly.

Scorpio - This week, whether you have dental surgery, try a new antihistamine or erroneously swallow your girlfriend's birth control pills, if the instructions say don't operate heavy equipment, you should understand that to include your mouth. You are far too prone to telling far too many people how much you love them. You being you, this could lead to anything up to and including jail. This will be the hangover the just keeps giving and there's no where you can go to sleep it off.

Sagittarius - You're in the mood to do a lot of things right now and your new motto is 'damn the consequences'. Okay it's not a brand new motto, but we haven't seen it in a while. Can I recommend that you apply this devil-may-care attitude to a safe activity like maybe scrap booking. You can always get more paper and glue, loved ones are a little harder to replace. Careful how you cut.

Capricorn - Who doesn't love a good mystery? Like whatever happened to Jimmy Hoffa? And who killed Laura Palmer? What about the ever popular crop circles - who made those? Did Atlantis ever really exist, did aliens build the pyramids, what does Stonehenge really mean, and what goes on in the Bermuda Triangle? This week your razor sharp mind and relentless inquisitiveness will find an answer that ties them all together rather convincingly.

Aquarius - I'm afraid there may be only one way to keep your relationships from becoming too intense right now, and that's to start speaking a language no one else understands. Your choice of language will depend on where you live and how broad your circle of friends, family and acquaintance might be. If you feel unable to master Urdu in one week then make something up.

Pisces - If you're happy and you know it clap your hands. If you're not happy and you know it, please stay at home, in bed, doors locked and phone unplugged. No one wants to be around when you're in this mood and frankly it's difficult for you to get a good pout on when your loved ones are swarming around trying to cheer you up. Just relax and enjoy a really intense sulk with a dash of self-pity for a few days and things will brighten up on their own.