Blogoscope Week of August 27th to September 3, 2007

Aries - So while you were busy sewing a quilt for Bears Without Borders, planning a surprise party for someone you've known for one week, and donating organs, everyone else has definitely moved on. By the time you get to where the party is - oops, was - everyone else will have gone home. Pouting is not going to help anything so you might as well just run along, follow them home; maybe you could bake a cake for everybody, you know how much you like to do things for other peop....hey isn't that how you got here in the first place? Hey you can do me a favour! I don't have a recent picture of you to take with me on my travels. Why don't you e-mail me one?

Taurus - In my current neighbourhood, there are a lot of designer dogs. The streets teem with condo-sized mini-mutts that usually turn out to be a something-poo. This morning I met one from a breed that the owner assures me is a poodle/schnauzer/Airedale/spaniel cross, and it looks like a Koala bear in drag. Cute now, but in the years to come, as adorable morphs into a fat ex-ophthalmic, wheezing little bark-bag, somebody will discover that what seemed like a good idea at the time, is really an abomination against nature. Be warned! Know what would be a good idea? Send me a photo of you that I can take with me when I go nomad. Make it your personal favourite.

Gemini - Think World War One and you think trenches - you can't not think trenches, even though there must have been other things going on during that war; it was after all the War To End All Wars. For the first time ever, it seemed there was no safe place on Earth; the enemy was a faceless force. In this one thing, the scared and dying young men who huddled in those rat infested mud holes were better off. They couldn't afford not to believe in at least one safe place on Earth; and they could see the faces of those they were supposed to be fighting. You and I aren't fighting but it would still be great to see your face while I'm travelling - e-mail your smile and I promise never to lose it....again.

Cancer - We live in a world that is geared for the adrenalin junkie and sport can be a bloodbath. Do you believe there was a time when high diving was considered an extreme sport? I still don't understand why divers don't smash straight down to the bottom of the pool but I'm sure it must have something to do with physics. All the skill of the dive is above the water; you don't get marked on what happens below the surface. And right there is the reason why diving never became a hot spectator sport - it is soooo not a metaphor for life. I need new pictures of you...I haven't seen you in so long...have you changed?

Leo - Man I'm telling you the paparazzi drive me crazy. How am I supposed to live a normal life with camera flashes going off in my face and strangers shouting impertinent questions at me? The worst is when they try to follow me into a private place and get in the way of me just living my life. The pressure of always being ready for a photo op and a sound bite is really getting to me. I could definitely use your advice on this one. You live with this all the time and you make it look so good. How do you do it? Got any shots of you sneaking through the alley? Something the Enquirer hasn't seen yet? Pass 'em on so I can add them to my mobile gallery.

Virgo - Hey Virgo! It's your birthday - enough of that shit - a celebration is one thing a lot of pointless noise is another altogether. You might want to rethink that idea. I know you believe that you've been clear about things but gestures can be misinterpreted and words frequently only make things worse. I also know you feel exposed and vulnerable at the moment but try to think of this as your moment in the spotlight, your chance to let the rest of the world hear your message. Speak slowly, use small words, say only the things you honestly mean. Honestly, I want a picture of you, beautiful you, smiling at me. E-mail me?

Libra - What are your friends going to say when they get here and discover that you've prepared a beautiful meal and then eaten the whole thing? Will anyone mind that the only thing left is devil's food cake? Probably not; you may not know it but that dark, bitter sweet, chocolaty side of your personality is the one most people really love. Sadly its that part of your self which you seem most loathe to let out to play. You have a primo opportunity right now to get your nasty on and really enjoy it. Ease into it with some dirty jokes. And send me a racy picture for my hard drive (nudge nudge), I want your beautiful face to go with me.

Scorpio - The Ex is on! I was in a cab heading south on Dufferin last night and realized I could see the Ferris wheel on the horizon. Damn I hope that was a Ferris wheel and not an alien ship; anyway, I love Whack-A-Mole. You know how sometimes at a stag n' doe they'll have casino games? If I was having a stag n' doe I'd get a Whack-A-Mole. If you ever see one pick it up for me and I'll buy it off you. In the meantime, unless you wanna get whacked, you might want to think about keeping your head down. This does not mean that the picture of yourself that you're going to e-mail me should be upside down.

Sagittarius - Your first batch of home brew dark ale is ready and you decide to test it. It's good and you decide to reward yourself with another; you end up testing the entire case. If there's a lesson to be learned here (and there is) it's that while it very well may be necessary to stop once in a while and check yourself, it is not necessary to obsess about it. It's possible that your ass does look fat in those but this should not in any way affect your ability to live a full and complete life. Send me a picture and I'll tell you if your butt looks big in those. Or just e-mail me a photo of your smile.

Capricorn - Your party has nominated you as their favourite. They took a vote and decided that you are the candidate most likely to successfully forward their agenda. This means that it's time for you to start glad-handing and fund raising. Many politicos hate this part of the process, mainly due to its uncanny resemblance to prostitution but don't worry you won't have to do it for long. Your party's platform is pretty simple and if the coffers run to a case of beer and a couple of pizzas a week you will always be their front-runner. Got any party pictures you want to share with me? It would be nice to have something to remind me of the good times at home.

Aquarius - Jennifer Aniston and I have a lot in common; we're both Aquarians, we were both married to Brad Pit; we both....what do mean? I had a dream that I was married to Brad Pitt. Hey their relationship was a fractured fairy tale fueled by media lust. You tell me that was real.
Whatever, Jen and I are both completely over Brad and happily living single. Neither one of us needs a love interest. Which is not to say we wouldn't like to have love interest, but we're doing fine as we are thanks very much. Send me a picture with or without significant other, your choice.

Pisces - You're spinning in circles trying to find the source of the voice calling your name, snatching at the phantoms buzzing around your head, and walking around with your tongue stuck out trying to read the words you swear are written there; all this performed while trying to pull a sweater over your head and tie your shoes at the same time. I'm not saying you have to stay home this week, but you should try to be in a room full of soft things because you are competing with yourself to see which you will do first, choose to sit down or fall on your ass. I could never have too many pictures of you. Send me a new one and I'll tell you what that word is that's on the tip of your tongue.