Blogoscope Week of August 13th to 20th 2007

Aries - On the corner near my old apartment is one of those decorative lollipop trees. It is the favourite hang out of a mob of tiny brown sparrows that gathers and gossips in its branches for hours on end every day. You can hear them natter and quarrel and sing to each other from several yards away until you're two steps off and then, as one being, they fall completely silent - then you step two feet beyond them they immediately start up again. Coincidence? Or are they talking about you? Suppose they are talking about you - what are they saying?

Taurus - Alan Cummings has made a career out of playing himself. Different costumes, same characters - this is an insight acquired during a viewing of Josie and The Pussycats last night. Course now I'm fretting about Richard E. Grant in Spiceworld and Crispin Glover in Charlie's Angels. I thought they added a degree of credibility to cinematic fluff, but what if they're not acting? What if they're just weird? Like bad weird? Then I remember Pussycat drummer Mel Valentine's mantra - "If You're Happy and You Know it Clap Your Hands."

Gemini - Wouldn't it be cool if instead of bungee jumping you could bungee catapult? It would be a huge rush to find yourself being propelled up into the darkening atmosphere; to watch the stars rushing toward you and feel the celestial breezes ruffling your hair. The bitch of it would be when you reached your zenith and the bungee began to pull you back to earth. Suppose there's a limited time offer that gives you an extra extra long cord - maybe if you could stay aloft long enough you could stop believing in gravity.

Cancer - You have two weeks to learn conversational Balinese. It's needed for a cultural mission you'll be asked to join and language is a must. A few key phrases will be fine, but it is essential that you be fluent to avoid any international incidents. How are you going to do it? Will you buy Balinese for Dummies and then spend all of your free time repeating instructions? Or will you fly to Bali, rent a villa on the beach and party with the locals? It's a sort of cultural mission and multi-tasking always impresses the boss.

Leo - Can you believe all the stuff they've added to cars these days? Do you understand what any of these things are? Can you please tell me, what is "European Steering?" I heard that on TV and I wonder what it means? Does it mean anything at all? Did Knight Rider have European Steering? What about Batman? James Bond? Or, more aptly for you, Roy Rogers? This week, words lead the way so to ensure meaning you must be certain that your hands are on the reins, your feet are in the stirrups, and your spurs are made by love.

Virgo - I think it's pretty obvious that this column isn't written by a Virgo. Consistency and attention to detail are sadly lacking. Fonts, colours and template changing irregularly; the side bar is an inane horror show. If it was a casserole you wouldn't eat it. Cease your fretting, the mess is digital and you won't get any of it on you. You could, however, find yourself touching something icky this week - sticky, squelchy, gloppy, maybe even smelly. I dare you to stick your arms into it right up to your elbows and wiggle your fingers.

Libra - Rip Van Winkle slept for 20 years in the eighteenth century. When he awoke, his wife and friends were dead and war had caused democracy to break out everywhere. How out of step would he be had he gone to sleep in 1987 and was only now waking up in 2007? The changes he found would be more numerous and probably more extreme, but a 1987 Mr. Van Winkle would also be more prepared for great change than the original rural lay-about. This is good news for you - when your hibernation ends you won't be too far behind on things.

Scorpio - Ever been in a professional recording studio? They're specially constructed to reduce the effect of sound bouncing off of surfaces. The walls eat sound. Every word spoken in this environment is completely on its own - no echo, no reverb, no hum. People react differently to this deadening; some whisper as though the space were sacred; others raise their voices in a futile attempt to fill the space with sound. It's an environment to just sit in, alone, without saying a word - experience true silence and the rest of your world will never sound the same.

Sagittarius - So there's a pot of gold at the end of the rainbow but which end. A bow, an arch, has two of them, so which one would you go to, in order to find the pot of gold? Hard as it is to find one end, how in the world could you expect to make it to two of them in the heartbeat of time that a rainbow stays in sky? I have a theory that rainbows are actually rainrings - whole circles with no ends. Which means all you have to do is stay where you are, and sooner or later the pot of gold will come around to you. Heads up! It's sooner.

Capricorn - Off the top of your head, name the following: three team mates of Wayne Gretzky, Michael Jordan and David Beckham; the other two members of Destiny's Child and The Supremes; and the drummer for No Doubt. Fortune and posterity shine on those bold and beautiful individuals who can grab the spotlight and command centre stage; on those who aren't afraid to let it really be all about them. But it pays to remember that they don't achieve this level of fame without help...identify your team and start delegating.

Aquarius - I've always felt sorry for Dr. Frankenstein's monster; never more so than during the angry mob scene. The patchwork newborn's only crime is being different - unlike his creator who is guilty of practising godhood without a license. The mob is simply mindless. Maybe it really would be better for all if the monster were dead and the doctor in custody but recognizing different view points doesn't change the fact that gangs with sharp and/or flaming sticks can't fix things. Have you considered a strongly worded letter to the editor?

Pisces - I used to think that only elves, samurais and ancient mongols could actually hit a target with an arrow while shooting from horseback - apparently I was wrong. It's not for everyone and definitely doesn't look like it would be easy. How would the world change if this level of training and dedication was required for using any weapon? Granted, your weapon of choice is your mind and your goal is not to kill your target. I still think you should stop and dismount before you start taking shots at anything.