Blogoscope for December 11-18th 2006

Aries – Get ready Aries, this is the week you break away from the crowd and get noticed. Now I know that giving you a head’s up may compromise your natural innocent exuberance, but when the moment comes I don’t want you to be caught picking your nose or something. You’d never forgive me. So just do your best to act surprised and it will all go off beautifully!

Taurus - Hey you know that party that’s been going on across the street for the past two days? That’s actually a crime scene. It just looks like fun from where you’re sitting. I don’t care what you think you’re doing, stop doing it. Don’t rationalize, justify, excuse or deny it – just stop doing it!

Gemini – It’s okay you can come out now. You were only contagious for the first few days. Besides, haven’t most of your friends already had this? Yes I know you’ve had it before and got it again, but that’s just you. You’re special. Now, Typhoid Mary, get out there and mingle!

Cancer – Scientific studies have proven that navel gazing leads to navel picking and navel picking leads to leaks. Yep that’s right, it’s just like your mom told you; all of the air will come out of you. The only question is will you deflate with a slow hiss and subside unnoticed into a flat pile in the corner? Or will you rocket around through a series of spectacular ricochets and draw all eyes to your sensational demise?

Leo – Honestly are you that pissed off, or is it really the principle of the thing? Do you think that someone owes you an apology? Well then get it. Stop moping and take active steps to get whatever you feel it will take to make things even. Only you can know what it is you really want and the fact that no one else really gets it does not mean that you are wrong.

Virgo – The sign of the virgin. Do you know why they call you that? It’s because every time some dumb schmuck you feel sorry for fucks you over again it feels like the first time. If you’re really enjoying it, then please, don’t let me stop you. But if it’s starting to chafe a little maybe it’s time to make some changes n’est-ce pas? At least get a decent lube.

Libra – Ah, lovely Libra. Wandering around the house singing One Less Bell to Answer and dressing like Audrey Hepburn. Nobody does wistful quite like you do, but please leave it at home; unless, of course, you work somewhere that smiles on wearing elbow length gloves and that much eye makeup to the office. Hey are they hiring?

Scorpio – Everything is fine. You’re doing a terrific job. There won’t be any problems from here on in. Just keep walking, that’s right one foot in front of the other….ah no, don’t look down! Deep breath, deep breath, you’ll be fine. Stop trying to guess where you’re going and just go there!

Sagittarius - A lot of people are wondering what’s going on at your house this week. Are you throwing a party? Why not? Can I come? Seriously, you might as well have everybody over, because otherwise they’re just going to make shit up about you. Call it your client party and write it off.

Capricorn – Okay just because your family loves him/her/it, is no reason for you to propose. I’m sure that he/she/it, is the love of your life, and everything you could ever want in a life partner. And if for one moment he/she/it suspects that you might ask him/her/it….aw to hell with it you’d be better off to spend the holiday getting drunk alone.

Aquarius - I always find my own sign the most difficult to write without bias. But this week I think I’ve managed to attain that perfectly objective viewpoint and I am happy to tell you that you are going to have a lot of great sex and make scads of money right through the rest of this month. It is unclear to me whether or not the two are connected.

Pisces – Looks like you’ve got travel plans for the next week and I’m sad to say that it’s most likely a bus trip to a discount mall. Not excited? Well try to think of it this way; you can spend the day being superior to everyone else on the tour: You’ve shopped in better places, found better deals, eaten better mall food. By the time that tour coach drops you back at the Kiss ‘n Go you’ll have 60 new acolytes.