Blogoscopes for December 19th - January 1st

Aries - Did you volunteer to cook the turkey this year? Because the bad news is that you're probably going to spend most of the holiday on your own in the kitchen. The good news is that this means you can stuff that bird any old way you want. The best news is that you look really good in stoic...and gravy.

Taurus - You have been so completely focused on working for so long now, that you are really looking forward to having a chance to celebrate the holiday season. Sadly, your social skills have atrophied to the point where I see you spending New Year's Eve alone in a bank vault.

Gemini - Gemini is the sign of hats and noise makers, so it doesn't take a psychic to predict some parties in your near future. But here's something that your friends won't tell you. There's opportunity under the mistletoe, and I'm talking more than a snog. Stay alert, stay upbeat and for Pete's sake try to stay at least half-way sober.

Cancer - I like the minimalist look you've got going on at home this year. There is absolutely no reason to get all holiday spirit-ish about things and decorate. In fact I would recommend that you ban any and all shades of red or green from your abode for the duration. You wouldn't want anything to look accidentally festive.

Leo - You have been appointed the Designated Driver of The Year. Try to see this as a reward not a judgement. It's just that without you, nobody will get anywhere. Think of yourself as a superhero and look for new ways to use your powers. For the sake of mankind, please promise you'll stay away from tights and capes.

Virgo - The romantic glow that surrounds you right now is on its way to becoming a leading cause of global warming. You've got one more lovely uncomplicated week ahead of you, and then the cold cruel world throws up in your shoe. It's not the end of your love, it's just a bit of a break so the temperature can drop, and the rest of us can maybe get some skiing in.

Libra - Okay I can't call you a diva two weeks in a row, even you might take offence. I will suggest that you appear to be living in a power ballad. Celine, Dolly, Whitney, Poison, Scorpions, Bon Jovi....oh sure you don't own the albums, but don't try to deny that this is one of your guilty pleasures. Just remember, a song is like a poem, and a poem is like a story, and stories aren't real.

Scorpio - You Scorpios are kind of like moles, inhabiting an underground world, hidden from the rest of us. Very few non-Scorpios even know that it exists, and fewer know its purpose. It's simple really - this network of hidden pathways allows you to disappear and reappear at unexpected times in unexpected places. Stop doing this! It freaks people out.

Sagittarius - Your watchword over the coming weeks is excess and I highly recommend that you start stockpiling remedies now. Remedies for what you ask? I have no idea, all I can tell you is that the world has a lot to offer you right now and you are poised to try all of it. Maybe you should just hire a private nurse and let a professional look after you.

Capricorn - You can relax. In all probability, Jesus was not a Capricorn. The immediate consequences of grasping this concept are twofold. 1) You can safely stop expecting quite so much from yourself, and 2) you can safely stop expecting everyone to worship you. So go ahead and get on with your life as a has-been.

Aquarius - At least until January, take great care when considering any career changes. Unless you are extremely cautious, your next job title could be crack whore. And believe me, at this juncture, you can't afford to be less than 100% sober, as the rocket ship you call a life reaches escape velocity. You don't want to be nauseous in zero gravity.

Pisces - Don't read the Aquarius horoscope! You too will be experiencing vertigo, but your coping skills are somewhat different. My advice to you, Pisces, is that you indulge in what ever substance(s) you need to, in order to avoid noticing what's going on around you. I'll let you know as soon as it's safe to sober up.