Aries – If you laugh and nobody hears it is it still funny? No. Laughing alone is weird. You’re always laughing at things that only you find funny, and even in a room full of people you find yourself laughing alone. Are you weird? Oh yea. Should you stop laughing at things that no one else ever seems to get? Hell no. You should laugh more and above all, you should laugh louder. Some body somewhere will hear you, get the joke and start to laugh along. Don’t muffle the chuckle.
Taurus – Have you ever seen a performing seal? I haven’t in several years but when I was little I remember going to watch them balance balls on their noses, clap their flippers, play jokes on their trainers and bark out cryptic messages in code to secret agents in the audience who passed along important information to sea mammals all over the world. You too can broadcast to your personal network of operatives while acting silly and enjoying the little silver fishies that get tossed into your mouth.
Gemini – There’s more than one way to skin a cat (if that’s what you want to do) but they all require a sharp knife. There’s more than one way to cut the crap too (a more worthwhile pursuit I’m thinking) and they also require a sharply honed edge. Cats and crap are easy provided you have the right blade; more complicated things - like, say for example turkey - require some finesse. Sure, an axe, a meat cleaver, or a chop saw will do the job, but it’s not going to look really great when you put it on a plate, is it?
Cancer – Success is the best revenge; and I don’t think the fact that you’re seeking payback for an imaginary slight should hold you back from achieving your wildest ambition – not in the least. In fact, if you can’t decide on a course of action, sometimes a manufactured re-action can get things moving. Even paranoid delusions need a focus, so pick one make believe arch-enemy and prepare to show him/her just how wrong s/he is. You two are now partners in delusion – hide the sharp objects and get going.
Leo – What was the first movie you ever saw that scared you so badly that you had nightmares? Did you crawl into bed with mommy and/or daddy? Were you a little older and did you seek solace from a friend and/or a lover? It’s possible that you dealt with things on your own and simply slept with the lights on. Different types of scared call for different kinds of comfort; so in order to find the right kind of security you need to first identify the fear. Is it the chainsaw or the dancing hippos?
Virgo – Is pro wrestling real fighting or pugilistic choreography? It’s an age old debate, and - I feel - one that could be applied to any professional sport – hockey, cricket, synchronized swimming. To what degree are any of them played as opposed to performed? Where’s the dividing line? At what point does athletic gear become fashion and how do we discern the line between lifestyle and sport? The biggest question is does it matter? If you play Erika Kane for 25 years are you still Susan Lucci?
Libra – You're a little bit like Westly from The Princess Bride. Your life from an early age has been dedicated to the pursuit of your one true love. Fortunately you've spent many years in Ninja school honing your sword skill and your Zen. Now you will use your considerable abilities to overcome every obstacle standing between you and your dreams of connubial bliss. Now I'm not trying to throw you any shade, or step on your buzz, but you should know that in 43 of the 48 contiguous states this is considered stalking and it's illegal.
Scorpio – School is weird unless it's done right. If school equals education the you must enroll in a course of study that is meaningful to you. Your curriculum should be your spiritual path and your teachers should be your trusted gurus. Anything less results in an overheated and underlit room full of people who have paid a lot of money for the privilege of being bored to distraction by someone claiming to be an expert on the subject. Putting yourself in debt for life is something that should not be done lightly. Make sure you get enough bang for your buck.
Sagittarius – What if you had a gigantic version of those childhood knitting machines we used to play with? A spool, some nails in the top, and you keep winding yarn until a long tube of knitting snakes out the bottom. Make it a thousand times bigger, get you hands on all the wool you can find, and gather everybody together to start knitting. Before you know it you’ll have enough wool tubing to keep all the homeless people in the world warm and cozy all winter long. Not practical? Well then you come up with something.
Capricorn – In the history of music has it ever been more obvious than now that the only reason heterosexual men join bands is so that they can get the babes? Seriously, these guys would never get laid without a record deal. Maybe I’m just old; the generation before mine failed to recognize hotness in my rock gods. It’s like evolution on a microscopic level. In the future, tattoos will be inherited traits and the faux-hawk gene will become dominant. We are all of our own time.
Aquarius – Where were you on the night in question? Never mind what night, just answer the question. Bright lights, isolation and rapid fire questioning are all tactics of interrogation. They make you feel vulnerable and throw you off balance. You can’t see who’s asking the questions but you can’t hide from them. They expect you to justify all of your actions but are not prepared to respond to a single question from you. The only way to deal with this is to close your eyes and use the force.
Pisces – Did you ever wonder what kind of exercises Popeye must have done to have such massively developed forearms, bow legs and boy band hips? It had to be something more than squeezing spinach cans. You should maybe give some thought to emulating the sailor man’s physique. If you could be an Olympic level puppeteer and run the world by pulling strings, .then having wrists the size of thighs would mean you could accomplish everything without one arm tied behind your back.
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