Aries - Merry-go-rounds are not a lot of fun if you happen to be over the age of six. There is no joy in simply going around in circles. Sure, you never fall behind, but neither do you ever get ahead. In front of you is some horse's ass and the scenery never changes. Life is a merry-go-round and getting off the ride is not an option so how do you shake things up? Easy - turn around and wave at the person riding behind you. Swivel and peer through the centre of the ride to the other side. Sit side saddle and make faces at the parents watching from the sidelines. In fact, do anything except just sit there going around in circles.
Taurus - This week you will attend a party and meet a fascinating stranger from some exotic country you have never heard of. Because this exciting creature finds you so fascinating, you are going to be offered the chance of a lifetime, the opportunity to make three times your annual income in just one day. If this were an e-mail you would hit SPAM and move on, but this is a real live person who you are absolutely certain is genuine. A genuine con artist is closer to the truth and although initially you may fall for the flattery, your inner sceptic still holds the purse strings. You will snap out of it just in time to avoid felony charges.
Gemini - Everyone has their own way of decorating their homes for the holidays. Fake tree, real tree, no tree, colour schemes and religious themes, it is all a matter of taste. For you, a combination of old favourites and some carefully chosen new articles will work the best. Do re-use your strings of lights, glass ornaments and pine cone wreath. Do not re-use strings of popcorn and cranberries, live evergreens or fruitcake. Use the same approach to your person as you do to your home. It's okay to wear the same dress you did last year. It is not okay to let some rude remark by your drunken Aunt Gertrude spoil your fun.
Cancer - Tis the season to be jolly my ass. Tis the season of outrageous expectations and over-spending. It does not matter in the least that you have spent all year covering their butts, saving their bacon and generally shouldering their burdens, they will still want something to unwrap on the big day. Driving yourself into an early grave in an effort to provide material proof of what should be glaringly obvious, is not a good plan. By Christmas you will just be drunk and bitter. Why not consider giving beautifully caligraphied lists of all the wonderful things you have already done for them this year? Failing that, fall back on a classic and give coal.
Leo - Eminent Ruler of The Known World is not a viable job description. It is also not something likely to be part of a community service sentence. So, try to see the coming week this way: sure, what you are being asked to do is far beneath your level of ability, and of course you can see what any trained chimp would spot in an instant - the single simple flaw that is holding everything back. Oddly, only you and the ape can see it so unless you want everybody to be heaping praise on the primate, you will let yourself stoop to doing this one measly little thing. You are still not going to be in charge of the universe, but you will earn a satisfying degree of adulation.
Virgo - You have a singular approach to the game of poker. Whether you're holding pocket aces or a pair of deuces your attitude is the same - shut up and play the game. You've just been dealt what could become the winning hand and you really want this. And right there is the secret to all of your former successes - those other games didn't matter. How can you bluff about something so real? You can't - and you don't have to. Take a deep breath, and as you push all of your chips into the pot, look your fellow gamblers in the eye and tell them honestly how much you want this. At worst this will confuse them so much that they make mistakes and lose. At best they actually just let you win.
Libra - You'd like to teach the world to sing in perfect harmony. You'd like to buy the world a Coke (tm) and keep it company. You'd like to stop feeling personally responsible for the happiness of everyone you know. It's like you can't set foot out your front door without tripping over someone who desperately needs your help. Panhandlers only want your bits of change, these people want bits of you. Have you considered travelling in cognito? Not necessarily The Witness Protection Program, but you might want to consider hats, dark glasses, a different route to work. If that doesn't work or if (most likely) you can't be bothered, try screaming at them all to leave you alone.
Scorpio - You're a take charge and get things done kind of person. Your next door neighbour's lawn needs mowing? You can do that. Your partner's car needs an oil change? You can do that. Sit back and let somebody else set the pace, direction and mode of travel? You can't do that. You need to change that. You can't always be in charge. Somtimes you have to let someone else take the lead while you follow. It'll be hard and you will have to sit on your hands and bite your tongue - a lot. You'll be surprised to discover what some people can do for themselves. Okay, now let's just be clear that when I say following I don't mean stalking,
Sagittarius - Let's play Loveboat. You be Julie, the cruise director. Yes I know that sounds like a euphemism. Julie had the ideal job. She was always travelling to exotic destinations; she got first crack at the eligible bachelors; she didn't appear to do any "work" at all. In the real world, Julie's job is way more stressful and difficult than the Captain's (how did he steer the ship when he was never on the bridge?) or Doc's (treating sunburn and broken hearts). Gopher and Isaac? Forget it. So, Julie, for the next leg of the journey, you're the one in charge of entertainment and making sure that everyone has a good time. Can you handle it?
Capricorn - On Friday when I got to the bagel place there was only one other person ahead of me. I ordered right away and stood to the side to let the people behind me order. I stood and stood and stood as one after another the people from the line behind me all picked up their breakfasts and mine failed to materialize. I was patient. I know that the best things in life are worth waiting for and that sometimes things happen for a reason. I also know that sometimes there's a language barrier and "toasted everything bagel with swiss lightly buttered" can sound like "nothing for me thanks I"m just looking". And sometimes I found, the best things in life are worth shouting at somebody.
Aquarius - If you don't know where you're going, you could end up anywhere. Experiment with a new method of navigation - walk outside and throw a coin in the air. Whichever direction the coin falls in is the direction you walk in. At the next intersection choose left, right or straight ahead based on a glimpse of your favourite colour. Your third decision should be made by following the most interesting person you see. Explore every short cut and be sure to seek the source of any music that reaches your ears. First impulses rule so never second guess yourself and avoid over thinking any of it. Net results? Razor sharp intuition and the sensation of flying.
Pisces - Here's a prediction - this week, while someone is pumping you for clues on one subject you accidentally let slip a secret on quite another topic - in fact it's a topic that is so old, only you could possibly still remember it. However, you can no longer remember why it was a secret in the first place. Well here's a heads up for you. To you it's old news, water under the bridge, bygones - to the person who just heard it for the first time from your mouth, it is read hot, current and needs to be dealt with. Your mind may have unwittingly dredged up a live bomb. Do your darndest to prove me wrong - whatever it is, don't say it. You don't want to know what you could set off.
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