Blogoscopes Week of December 3rd to December 10th

Aries – The king was in the counting house counting out his money; the queen was in the parlour eating bread and honey. This is a good week for you to wear the big crown and re-familiarize yourself with the contents of your bank accounts, safety deposit boxes, piggy banks and shoe boxes. Someone is subtly draining your resources and the sooner you account for your personal wealth, the sooner you can see where the leak is.

Taurus – Did you know that Eddie Murphy once released a single called Party All The Time in which he seems to be complaining about his girlfriend’s apparently unending celebratory habits. It was a really awful song, causing listeners to laugh at Murphy rather than with him. Don’t be like Eddie; you should either join the party or get used to sleeping alone but whichever you choose to do, don’t sing about it.

Gemini – Every year when the Santa Claus parade rolls around I think, man he must resent having to take time out from his busiest season to have to do this dog and pony show. And I mean it’s not like he needs to drum up business is it? Pretty much everyone is buying what he’s selling; all he has to do is produce it. You and Santa should try the same thing – stay home and take care of business. Let the parade come to you.

Cancer – Can you tap dance? Can you tap dance at the speed of light? Two very different parts of your life are demanding equal access to your time. One is guilting you with responsibility, the other is tempting you with sparkly stuff. You don’t have to let them tear you in two but you will not only have to be fast and light on your feet, you will be composing the soundtrack as you go.

Leo – It’s always a good idea when you set out to save the world, to make sure that you’re not leaving a worse mess in your wake than the one you’ve decided to mend. I’m not talking about America’s foreign policy here; I’m talking about leaving the iron on at home while you go out to volunteer at the soup kitchen. Your goals will be easier to achieve when you’re working from a secure base.

Virgo – Relationships take work and anyone who enters into one thinking that it will be all sunshine and musicals is in for a rude awakening. Communication is important, and expressing needs and desires clearly is paramount – unless, that is, your need is for your partner to live up to a niggling set of standards that only you think important. That’s not communicating that’s nagging and you should stop it.

Libra – You’ve recently discovered that something you want rather badly is possessed by someone you don’t like very much. You could try being very nice to this individual until you achieve your desire, but I think you’ve left it a little late for any attempt to be believable; plus you’ll just end up hating yourself and despising your prize. You can either convince yourself that you don’t actually want what you want, or you can steal it.

Scorpio – Rejection often fosters fantasy – no matter who and no matter why, when someone brushes you off, turns you down or dumps you, it’s only human nature to imagine a scenario in which you are so smart, beautiful and powerful, that everyone who has ever turned their back on you begs you to come back. Okay, so this week try that shoe on the other foot. You may find your self sideswiped by a blast from the past.

Sagittarius – Speak up will you? I’m stuck here in the back row and I’m short so I can’t hear you very well. Plus there’s the cheering crowds, the trumpet fanfares and the buzz of skywriting planes to contend with. If you can’t make yourself heard, there’s hardly any point in opening you mouth. Stand up straight, breath deep and enunciate – oh and rent a decent sound system and one of those cool head set microphones.

Capricorn – Is it a particularly Canadian habit, or does everybody greet the first signs of winter by reminiscing about past winters? Just yesterday I was talking about my first winter in Edmonton and all the things I had to do to my car to keep it running - block heater, cardboard over the grill, remote starters and my hair dryer to clear the windows. There’s nothing like a blast of heat to clear the fog you’re currently peering through.

Aquarius – Did you know that the Black Death was largely responsible for the rise of the middle classes in Britain? The pestilence recognized no class barriers, but it decimated the peasantry and made those who were left less willing to put up with the shit that previously got dished out to them. They stood up en masse and asked for more and better. Don’t wait for the plague to make the same changes in your life.

Pisces – Did you ever get detention when you were in grade two? Did you have to stay in a recess and write out lines or do extra home work? And didn’t it suck to hear all the other kids laughing and having fun on the playground while you were stuck indoors? Close your eyes; listen to the voices and just imagine yourself out there with your friends. Soon enough recess will be over and so will your detention.