Blogoscopes Week of November 26th to December 3rd, 2007

Aries - Remember last week when I recommended shop lifting your way to enlightenment? Well this week I'm going to recommend that adding a dash of larceny to your passions not only won't interfere with your success, it can potentially make you a WSL of dough. I've even chosen a role model for you, but - and this is important - emulate this model's business acumen and perseverance; don't take on her personality.

Taurus - You've got to check this out! Without a word of a lie, I scored a perfect 10. I am a good judge of character so it means something when I say that I truly love your character. It's an honest, happy, talented, intelligent, stalwart and loyal kind of character - which is my favourite kind. Know why? It's because of those mad times when you let yourself relax and let down your hair. The very earth trembles in anticipation of your dancing shoes.

Gemini - I want to share this with you because I think it can be soothing for you over the next week or so to be reminded that there is beauty in everything if you have the eyes to see it. I'd say you might also notice that even though no humans live there, every one of these places feel inhabited by something. If you're currently considering expanding into a larger space, it might help to deal with the ghosts before you do anything else.

Cancer - I'm not sure whether or not you can relate to this, but I'm pretty sure that if you didn't already know it to be true in your heart of hearts, that there is someone very close to you who does. You can actually get this printed on a t-shirt. Which is perfect, because you've got your hands full trying to find a sane and stable place to just take care of your loved ones. You don't have time to stop and explain what you're doing to every a**hole who asks.

Leo - By the time you read this the 2007 Grey Cup game will have been played and that'll be that for Canadian football until the season starts again. Know what the players do in their off season? Well it sure as H E double hockey sticks, isn't rest on their laurels. Being in the pros means big business; no one can take their eye off the ball. I think you could use a little work out. Your accuracy is still awesome but your speed seems to have fallen off a bit.

Virgo - There is absolutely nothing wrong with wanting things to be exactly what they are - not a symbol, not a metaphor, not an insinuation - genuinely truly once and for all exactly what that thing is supposed to be. Being able to depend on a literal reality gives you the foundation that supports your more high flying efforts. With that in mind, here's a little something to answer one of life's big questions. There now that's settled.

Libra - Ever ask "who moved my cheese?" Was the answer "you moved your cheese"? Still no idea where it went? Would a map be helpful? Well here's a little tool that might clear things up for you in the future - you know the future? It's that point on the space time continuum where you stop to identify your surroundings, get your bearings and search for cheese. If this doesn't help try carrying a box of Triscuits. Cheese loves Triscuits.

Scorpio - According to this list of the 20 richest people in the world, 7 of the 20 dropped out of school, and thirteen of these billionaires are "self-made". What does all of this mean for you? It means that in some areas of life, experience is more important than schooling and you don't need to inherit a fortune to have one. Come on, you've been around this particular block at least once, you must have picked up something worthwhile along the way! Use it.

Sagittarius - If he were alive Jimi Hendrix would turn 65 on Tuesday. He was a Sagittarius, an innovator, a trail blazer, who, more than 30 years after his death, is still considered by many to be the greatest rock guitarist who ever lived. One other thing you need to know, Hendrix played left handed. Now watch this televised performance and tell me what's not there. See, even gods can be misunderstood.

Capricorn - When I stumbled upon this today it looked familiar. I thought it was a game and tried to play it - no luck. Next I saw a message that said plug-ins were needed but I was unable to add them. In frustration I sat staring at this page, wondering why I recognized it and what I was could do with it; and then it hit me - it's your life. There's a lot of little stuff going on and nothing you can do about any of it; but if you stare until your eyes cross you can see a rhythm.

Aquarius - Let's face facts shall we? Every Aquarian is a tad geeky. Some are extremely geeky but camouflage it with understated elegance. Like Armani luggage for digital gadgets. All right Waterbearers, start shopping for something to carry this in because now that you've seen it, you know you'll want it. If only it functioned the way it should. Who knows, it's possible that in reality you are the only remaining Time Lord. May I suggest something from Burberry?

Pisces - You've heard the expression "keep your friends close and your enemies closer". What if you don't know who your enemies are? What if, in fact, you really don't have any enemies, just a vague, formless yet over-arching sense of dread? I suggest you look here. Recognize anyone? Frequently, just seeing and naming your monsters is all you need to chase them away. If that doesn't work, then keep your teddy bear close and your stuffed monster closer.

Blogoscopes Week of November 19th to 26th, 2007

Aries - Ever watch a two year old grocery shopping with mom? Whether walking behind or perched in cart they grab whatever they want off the shelves with no regard for consequences. After all, if someone tells a two year old to put it back, the two year old will just giggle and pull their shirt over their head. This week be two and grab what you want with no fear of repercussions.

Taurus - You need a really good full body stretch and there are a couple of ways you could achieve this. One is lie face down on the floor, forehead on your stacked hands and breathe deeply into your diaphragm, reaching head and feet as far out as you can while chanting. The second way is to turn up the tunes hit the dance floor throw you hands in the air while jumping up and down and shouting woo hoo.

Gemini - It can be difficult to find the dividing line between what we want for ourselves and what others want from us. This week, try thinking of those so-called obligations as a game of hide and seek. So what if you leave the playground and go hide at your house? You're still playing; you can still be found; and honestly, if it takes a little longer for seekers to discover where you are doesn't that make the game better?

Cancer - We are once more approaching that time of year when it behooves us to consider the plight of the poor Yak. Wandering through the mountains of Central Asia, these animals never know the joy of a home cooked turkey dinner with friends and family gathering from near and far; never unwrap a lovingly selected gift; never gather round the piano to sing yuletide carols.
Psych! This week, beware of cons for good causes.

Leo - There's no doubt that if and when you decide to take up sky diving you should take lessons from a skilled professional before you even consider a jump. I know that you've got a plan in place already and that you feel confident in your ability to succeed, but honestly a trampoline and a few well placed friends to catch you can never replace a good parachute. And by parachute I don't mean bed sheet.

Virgo - Your average financial adviser spends years learning about investment opportunities, macro and micro economics, the vicissitudes of the market place, and studying for the certification required to legally handle other peoples' money. Don't let this dissuade you from "borrowing" a close friend's funds and randomly attempting to double it in a business opportunity that is in no way a pyramid scheme.

Libra - Don't be Wile E. Coyote. Don't order equipment of any kind - most especially not weapons - from any company called Acme. The products won't do what they're supposed to and for heaven sake how does a coyote pay for all of this? They don't have pockets. There are no ATMs in the dessert. Plus, I think if you ever catch Roadrunner you'll find that he doesn't make good eating. Mostly just don't look down.

Scorpio - If you have something to say to someone then I recommend that you say it to them instead of telling two friends who will tell two friends who will....well you get the picture. By the time your message gets communicated it won't sound anything like it did when it left your mouth. What if the message your sending is "hey your hair is on fire" and it takes a week for that person to hear "here's your spare tire"?

Sagittarius - I have it on good authority that you should be closing up your garden for the season. Opinions are divided on whether this means wrapping your trees in burlap or leaving them to the mercy of the elements. You can certainly bet that tree's ancestors didn't have burlap bags in the winter and they survived just fine thank you very much. In the end you'll have to cut through all the discussion and decide for yourself.

Capricorn - I predict that at some point this week you're going to have a dream in which you parlay your little nest egg into a personal real estate empire that includes a palazzo in Rome, a townhouse in New York, a flat in Belgravia and a cottage in the Muskokas. Sadly, you will wake up to discover that in a chocolate induced haze you've actually purchased a half dozen Barbie Dream Houses.

Aquarius - Nearly everybody you know has a story about how they tried or didn't try, succeeded or failed miserably at talking themselves out of a speeding ticket. This week, you're going to have to talk yourself out of a parking ticket that you'll get while you're still in the car. Which is no more or less than you can expect when you're not really parked, just pulled over to the side of the road for a nap.

Pisces - Give a man a fish and he'll eat for a day. Teach him how to fish and the next thing you know he'll be at the bottom of ocean wreaking havoc amongst the sea life with sharp objects, weird bait and even sticking his fist down a catfish's throat and dragging it back to the surface and taking pictures of it to show his friends. That's too much work, just buy yourself a can of tuna and make sandwiches.

Blogoscopes week of November 12th to November 19th, 2007

Aries – If you laugh and nobody hears it is it still funny? No. Laughing alone is weird. You’re always laughing at things that only you find funny, and even in a room full of people you find yourself laughing alone. Are you weird? Oh yea. Should you stop laughing at things that no one else ever seems to get? Hell no. You should laugh more and above all, you should laugh louder. Some body somewhere will hear you, get the joke and start to laugh along. Don’t muffle the chuckle.

Taurus – Have you ever seen a performing seal? I haven’t in several years but when I was little I remember going to watch them balance balls on their noses, clap their flippers, play jokes on their trainers and bark out cryptic messages in code to secret agents in the audience who passed along important information to sea mammals all over the world. You too can broadcast to your personal network of operatives while acting silly and enjoying the little silver fishies that get tossed into your mouth.

Gemini – There’s more than one way to skin a cat (if that’s what you want to do) but they all require a sharp knife. There’s more than one way to cut the crap too (a more worthwhile pursuit I’m thinking) and they also require a sharply honed edge. Cats and crap are easy provided you have the right blade; more complicated things - like, say for example turkey - require some finesse. Sure, an axe, a meat cleaver, or a chop saw will do the job, but it’s not going to look really great when you put it on a plate, is it?

Cancer – Success is the best revenge; and I don’t think the fact that you’re seeking payback for an imaginary slight should hold you back from achieving your wildest ambition – not in the least. In fact, if you can’t decide on a course of action, sometimes a manufactured re-action can get things moving. Even paranoid delusions need a focus, so pick one make believe arch-enemy and prepare to show him/her just how wrong s/he is. You two are now partners in delusion – hide the sharp objects and get going.

Leo – What was the first movie you ever saw that scared you so badly that you had nightmares? Did you crawl into bed with mommy and/or daddy? Were you a little older and did you seek solace from a friend and/or a lover? It’s possible that you dealt with things on your own and simply slept with the lights on. Different types of scared call for different kinds of comfort; so in order to find the right kind of security you need to first identify the fear. Is it the chainsaw or the dancing hippos?

Virgo – Is pro wrestling real fighting or pugilistic choreography? It’s an age old debate, and - I feel - one that could be applied to any professional sport – hockey, cricket, synchronized swimming. To what degree are any of them played as opposed to performed? Where’s the dividing line? At what point does athletic gear become fashion and how do we discern the line between lifestyle and sport? The biggest question is does it matter? If you play Erika Kane for 25 years are you still Susan Lucci?

Libra – You're a little bit like Westly from The Princess Bride. Your life from an early age has been dedicated to the pursuit of your one true love. Fortunately you've spent many years in Ninja school honing your sword skill and your Zen. Now you will use your considerable abilities to overcome every obstacle standing between you and your dreams of connubial bliss. Now I'm not trying to throw you any shade, or step on your buzz, but you should know that in 43 of the 48 contiguous states this is considered stalking and it's illegal.

Scorpio – School is weird unless it's done right. If school equals education the you must enroll in a course of study that is meaningful to you. Your curriculum should be your spiritual path and your teachers should be your trusted gurus. Anything less results in an overheated and underlit room full of people who have paid a lot of money for the privilege of being bored to distraction by someone claiming to be an expert on the subject. Putting yourself in debt for life is something that should not be done lightly. Make sure you get enough bang for your buck.

Sagittarius – What if you had a gigantic version of those childhood knitting machines we used to play with? A spool, some nails in the top, and you keep winding yarn until a long tube of knitting snakes out the bottom. Make it a thousand times bigger, get you hands on all the wool you can find, and gather everybody together to start knitting. Before you know it you’ll have enough wool tubing to keep all the homeless people in the world warm and cozy all winter long. Not practical? Well then you come up with something.

Capricorn – In the history of music has it ever been more obvious than now that the only reason heterosexual men join bands is so that they can get the babes? Seriously, these guys would never get laid without a record deal. Maybe I’m just old; the generation before mine failed to recognize hotness in my rock gods. It’s like evolution on a microscopic level. In the future, tattoos will be inherited traits and the faux-hawk gene will become dominant. We are all of our own time.

Aquarius – Where were you on the night in question? Never mind what night, just answer the question. Bright lights, isolation and rapid fire questioning are all tactics of interrogation. They make you feel vulnerable and throw you off balance. You can’t see who’s asking the questions but you can’t hide from them. They expect you to justify all of your actions but are not prepared to respond to a single question from you. The only way to deal with this is to close your eyes and use the force.

Pisces – Did you ever wonder what kind of exercises Popeye must have done to have such massively developed forearms, bow legs and boy band hips? It had to be something more than squeezing spinach cans. You should maybe give some thought to emulating the sailor man’s physique. If you could be an Olympic level puppeteer and run the world by pulling strings, .then having wrists the size of thighs would mean you could accomplish everything without one arm tied behind your back.

Blogoscopes Week of November 5th to November 12th, 2007

Aries – Here’s a theme for a party I want you to throw. Ask your friends and family to dig through their personal photo collections. Go beyond the recent and probably digital, get them to trawl through all those boxes of snaps stashed away in basements, attics, garages and closets. You do the same. Enjoy the reminiscences by all means, but there is something in particular you’re looking for – a laughing group of people having a really good time, and one clown in the background doing something distracting – bunny ears, funny faces, odd gestures – everybody has at least one of these. My guess? In the photos you are about to amass, the clown in the back is almost always you

Taurus – This is the time of year when many religious and spiritual venues (like churches) decorate with harvest fruits – fragrant bales of hay, colourful gourds and bright ears of corn, sheaves of grain and flame hued leaves. They act as a tithe, an ancient portion to the gods, and a reminder of all we should be thankful for; at one time this was also a necessary storage option, and today is a cheap and cheerful source of home décor items. Winter darkness is approaching and now is the perfect time to stockpile for hibernation and also to inject a little life into your home environment. And can I just say that letting your cat give birth to a litter in your sock drawer is not what I have in mind.

Gemini – Ever find yourself in a situation where you realize that you have accidentally and in all innocence, said something that is embarrassing, possibly offensive? Worse, having recognized your mistake you probably began to talk too much in an effort to apologize and of course this exacerbates the problem. Before you know it you feel like a complete idiot, people are staring, you’re starting to stutter but somehow you just can’t shut-up. So your ruler Mercury has just straightened up after a three week retrograde and you woke up this morning spouting confused apologies to everyone in sight. Would it help if I said no one remembers what you said in the first place?

Cancer – The thing about sci-fi fantasy stories that makes them so appealing to so many of us is the way they use ancient, universal archetypes to explore everyday themes. The original Star Wars movies were Greek theatre; and just think about the number of times you saw togas on Star Trek. Also, who can forget the clash of the Titans as exemplified by the South Park version of Godzilla versus Mothra, starring Barbra Streisand and Robert Smith of The Cure? It took Leonard Maltin to save the day – surreal, but meaningful. So what does all of this portend for you? First off, lighten up; not everything is drama; and second, no more late-night burritos.

Leo – First semester of college one of my dorm mates talked in her sleep. This went beyond random and non-sequential night mumbles, because she spoke only when spoken to, and always in fully coherent, complete sentences. You could tell her your deepest darkest secrets, ask for her advice on the most embarrassing problems, receive her wisdom/absolution and be completely certain that she would never remember a word of it. In daylight you couldn't mention this. She was a Leo and hated to feel that her words might be misconstrued or misused, but hey she made more sense unconscious than she did when she was awake. Sometimes you just gotta spit it out.

Virgo – I’m Internet challenged as I write so I can’t tell you the exact number of brand new automobiles that roll off assembly lines around the world every day, but I can tell you that it’s too many. Why is this? And how come they keep getting more expensive? Car prices don’t seem to be subject to the laws of supply and demand. Oh sure, many manufacturers are starting to develop environmentally friendly vehicles, and that’s great, but it’s still going to take a life time to replace all the cars that are already on the road never mind new ones . So why not stop making more cars and give those earth friendly inventions a chance to catch up? Is it time for a garage sale?

Libra – Ever heard of snake oil sales men? They were purveyors of concoctions of dubious ingredients and spurious efficacy who were none the less quite successful at selling their wares. How could this be you ask? They spoke to that most human of all emotions, fear of the unknown. They used the language of facts, and science to promise protection from that unknown. They also very often lived an itinerant life and were long gone by the time their unsuspecting customers could realize that they had been duped. Sounds like a paradigm for the democratic election process. Your message is sincere and genuine, but that shouldn't stop you from copying their style.

Scorpio – You’re usually a bit of a trend spotter. I’m not saying you always embrace the cutting-edge; after all you’re not much of a follower. Nor am I saying that you’re a trend setter because heaven knows most people don’t have what it takes to carry off your style. You do, however, have a discerning sensibility and keen eye for those things that the meeker majority will eventually embrace although you’re the only one who currently sees the attraction. Don’t lose faith in your ideas just because no one else is able to see what you do. If all visionaries gave up that easily we wouldn’t have things like Karaoke TV and there would be a lot less music in the world.

Sagittarius – Dreams – we all have them even if we don’t remember them, and what we do in dreams is a good indicator of our waking hopes and fears, and being able to translate your night time inspirations into day time actions is like finding an extra room in your house. Much has been written about how your waking actions affect your dreams – it’s like sleeping with intent – but what you need to do is find a way to carry your dream energy out into the world. Hang on to that dreamy feeling, and defer interacting with other people until after 2 pm. No need to go as far as Hef has, but a few days spent in your pajamas might help. And, for one week, don’t comb your hair.

Capricorn – Scariest thing in the world is the freshly sober person embracing a new outlook with the confidence of a drunk, and the determination of an addict. Net result is an individual with the evangelism of a born again virgin and absolutely no fear. They will say anything, do anything and share it all. It’s always a toss up – are they inspired or insane? If you hang around for the homily will you find yourself with a bad case of vertigo? If you walk away shaking your head will you always wonder? Whichever you choose, never give one of these kooks your phone number or even your real name – sincere or not, they’re all stalkers.

Aquarius – I hate reality shows. I despise the “contestants” who participate in them. Why? Is it the fact that most of them are trying to get something for nothing? Or am I just freaked out by the number of people who feel the need to broadcast their boring little lives to the world. And their lives must be REALLY boring if they’re prepared to be this humiliated for money. Famous for being famous is a job description. Can the on-line courses for a degree in Meaningless Celebrity, be far behind? But I digress, what I really dislike about reality shows, is the viewers who believe that this virtual peep show is a viable relationship. This week, touch as much real stuff as you can; real people too.

Pisces – I wish I had the nerve to shave my head and wear wigs. Okay I really wish you had the nerve to shave your head and wear wigs. An extreme change in hair colour or style can make you look and feel like a whole new person so imagine what it would be like to wear different hair every day. Think how you’d feel if this coming Wednesday you could be a curly red head, go blond braids on Thursday and short green tresses on Friday. How would your life be changed if your hair was a blue bob? What would your dreams and ambitions be if your crowning glory was purple dreads? What if red-headed-you had to execute plans made by blond-you? Expand your repertoire at all?