Saturday, September 27, 2008

Blogoscopes Week of September 29 to October 7, 2008

Aries - Have you ever played the shell game? It's like Button Button or Hide 'n Seek but for money. How do you win? You pay close attention, very close attention. Holy shit did you see that? No? See what I mean - close attention.

Taurus - Okay is that or is that not a winning lottery ticket in your pocket? I understand that you don't want to run screaming down the street but being afraid that the numbers have changed since you last looked? That's weird.

Gemini - If your friends haven't noticed your new shoes find new friends. Seriously those are kick-ass shoes and the astrological portents say there's a one in five chance that one of your new friends owns a shoe store.

Cancer - You're pretty fast on your feet right now but I gotta warn you that if someone calls you on your shit you're gonna have to own it. It's not a big deal, just look 'em in the eye, shrug and say "yea, so what?"

Leo - Okay, I'm not saying that you will, but if you do happen to bake a cake this week, remember to remove your necktie before you start mixing the batter. Ties are a dime a dozen, but that food processor is state of the art.

Virgo - Damn you're sexy. Don't be coy, it's okay, you are absolutely the bomb just the way you are. In fact, I predict that because of you, from this day forward, they'll change all the rules about what's sexy and what's not.

Libra - You should throw one of those new age pot luck dinner parties where you determine a menu and then ask each of your guests to bring a specific part. With careful planning you could live off of the leftovers for the whole week.

Scorpio - You should make a point of carrying an electronic device with you at all times until I tell you to stop. Blackberry,PSP,Gameboy even an MP3 just be sure to look as though there could be a reason for your laughter.

Sagittarius - Sometimes the only proper response to a question is "I don't know". There may also be occasions on which it is acceptable to close your eyes, stick your fingers in your ears and repeatedly scream "I don't know".

Capricorn - If you were in AA I would say that this might be a good week to call your sponsor, but otherwise, I think that if you can just get someone to phone you a few times, make sure you're awake, that should be fine.

Aquarius - For most people getting drunk alone is not a good sign, for you it's probably a survival mechanism. If you want to communicate either go on-line anonymously or have a heart to heart with a mirror.

Pisces - You may have a nightmare soon in which you relive the harrowing details of the loss of your childhood teddy bear. Let me just say that we all feel your pain and would you for Pete's sake just get over it already?

Sunday, September 21, 2008

Blogoscopes Week of September 22 to September 29, 2008

Aries - Art Therapy. You need some, now go and get some. Tell only those who need to know i.e. your spouse, legal gaurdian, priest or warden, and then completely immerse yourself in creating something. Extra points if you get dirty doing it.

Taurus - Have you done a customer satisfaction survey lately? There's no doubt that they are satisfied, but it might be good for you to hear why they're satisfied. What you learn will make your life so much easier you can't believe it.

Gemini - Over the coming days, let your guiding light be Lizzie Borden. She was probably just having a bad week and look how that turned out. Find something to dig up or something to cut down. If not go out in a field and chop dirt.

Cancer - Some people in this world will bet on anything; Horses, cards, dice, sports, scratch and win; anything. They are sure that someday they'll hit it big. They have a system. They have a problem. You are smart and lucky - this week.

Leo - You need a drinking buddy. Doesn't really matter whether or not you drink, you need to find someone who will go along with whatever you want, nod wisely when you're not making sense and forget everything that happened by the next morning.

Virgo - I'm not promising that there won't be any runs in you stockings this week, but if (likely when) there are, try to take comfort in the fact that they're in the toe where no one but you will ever know. Resist the urge to tell everybody.

Libra - Should you want to try something completely out of the ordinary, you are best advised to do whatever it is you're about to do, in a group setting. That way you'll get several differing opinions on why you are crazy to try this.

Scorpio - There will be moments in the days ahead when your happy place will appear to fully manifest all on its own. It's okay to go ahead and believe it as long as you're not going to be operating heavy equipment at the same time.

Sagittarius - It might just be a good thing that porcupines can't speak. Which would be worse; getting shot full of quills by surprise or having the world's third largest rodent warn you just before he turns you into pinhead?

Capricorn - Someone has moved your cheese. You astutely follow a trail of crumbs and discover the someone who has now eaten your cheese. Before you start swinging the broom around check to see if it was that mouldy bit that got stolen.

Aquarius - You have a sacred duty not to get kidnapped by a clandestine organization that will try mind control to twist you to the dark side. Anybody can claim to be your father, if they want your soul make them pay your full asking price.

Pisces - Running away with the circus is always talked about as though it were a bad thing but really what can be wrong? You get to dress up everyday, travel the world, meet new people and if you fall there's always someone there to catch you.