Blogoscopes - January 22nd - 29th, 2007

Aries – You are in a big dark echoey place where your senses have failed and you can’t tell up from down. You are cold, and confused and alone and so scared you can’t even scream. The cavalry is on the way, and by week’s end they’ll be here with light and warmth and blankets and everything needed to make you feel safe. Until then, if you want to stay sane, I recommend fainting – now.

Taurus – At this point in time the rest of the world can go fly a kite and it would be no skin off your nose: except, of course, for those special few, who are starring in your puppet drama. You’ve built an adorable little stage for them with real curtains and everything. You envision comedy, drama, pathos, possibly a Golden Globe. The problem is that no one but you has read the script. I’ve seen act three, and you better hope that nobody else does.

Gemini – Your’s is the sign that rules siblings, but I personally think that should only be youngest siblings. You possess a creative spirit that could be crushed by oldest child expectations or middle child peculiarities. You were born to be pampered, even spoiled. For the next seven days, Gemini, let’s pretend this is exactly how you were raised. Relax, and just assume that everything is being looked after on your behalf. It is.

Cancer – This is the week that you need to start trying to leave the house again. You have now extended the traditional holiday period to the point where people are starting rumours about you. Like maybe you died and got eaten by cats. Or maybe you had a nose job and are just waiting for the bruises to fade. Whatever, if you can’t actually step outdoors, at least get on the phone to everybody and either confirm or deny.

Leo – I know you kind of always think of yourself as bright and shiny, and this week you really are. Unfortunately, it’s not in a warm golden and godlike way, more like a highly polished fun house mirror. People are going to see themselves reflected in you, and see themselves distorted in you. This is going to have some disturbing consequences all up and down the love/hate spectrum.

Virgo – “Be bold, and mighty forces will come to your aid” (Goethe). ‘Bold about what?’ I hear you ask. This is the week for you to paint in big strokes using bright colours. Walk boldly, talk boldly, love boldly, act boldly, ask boldly. If you run out of ideas then Google (boldly) and keep going until I tell you to stop. Remember – mighty forces…on their way.

Libra – There are a surprising number of Libra born people who have been responsible for making great changes for the good in our world. They are individuals who have ignored public opinion and overcome all obstacles to the betterment of mankind, and like Mohandas Gandhi and John Lennon, they made their points in peaceful ways. So there you go Libra, just sit down and refuse to move until you get what you want. Pout your way to victory.

Scorpio – You are an extremely discerning person. Used car dealers tremble at your approach – they’ll never put one over on you. Real estate agents don’t even try to hide the cracks in the foundation – they know you’ll spot it. You can tell if a tomato is ripe from twenty paces away. There is, however, one area of your life in which a ginormous blind spot causes you to make the same really horrible mistake over and over again. I’ve given you the heads up; it’s your job to figure out what it is.

Sagittarius – Loose lips sink ships. Keep this in mind for the next few days. Write it on your bathroom mirror; stick it on the fridge; post-it-note it to your computer. This is not to suggest that Sagittarians are gossips. On the contrary, you fear being talked about too much to create that kind of karma. But, everyone you know is painfully aware of your predilection for blurting ugly truths. Uncontrolled verbalizing this week could reveal secrets that aren’t yours.

Capricorn – The time has come for you to take what you know and make it public. Assuming you’ve overcome your messiah complex and that your fly is done up, you should be well received by the masses and your success is assured. On the other hand, you could be taking yourself way too seriously and going off half-cocked. In which case, you’ll become a lot like Adam Sandler. The deeper meaning of you best work will be ignored and you’ll get laughed at for all the wrong reasons.

Aquarius – You are always on the cusp of everything new that is happening and this week I predict that you are going to discover something totally groundbreaking and hot on the social scene. It hasn’t really been organized yet, in fact nobody else has even truly recognized it. Which means, that this is your chance to be the revered trendsetter you’ve dreamt of becoming. I’m not even going to hint at what this new scene is, but you and I both know – nudge nudge.

Pisces – It often happens that the first word anybody ever learns in any language – first or second – is a swear word. And as you are hopefully aware, different cultures are offended by very different words. As you go through the next couple of weeks you will learn to curse fluently in several different tongues, which you will then trip over as you insult people with the words of someone else’s language.