Aries - This week you discover that for years you've been using the wrong fork, holding that yoga pose incorrectly and mispronouncing your own last name. Know what? Chicken butt. Don't let yourself get bogged down in the minutiae. Public etiquette is fickle. In the bigger picture you're a trendsetter.
Taurus - You dream that you're Babe Ruth and what you fantasized as a home run, got snagged at the wall. So now you have to hustle and in dreams, it's really hard to run. In a nightmare twist, suddenly there's a fourth base! What do you do? Relax, this is what the designated hitter rule is for.
Gemini - You're going to walk away from an important meeting only to realize that you have a huge zit on the end of your nose. Contrary to what you might fear, your public stock has just soared, as nobody could believe you were so composed with that giant thing on your face! Never underrate the power of aplomb.
Cancer - Please don't do anybody any favours this week. I know you feel a responsibility to mankind but whatever efforts you might make to do a little extra, to go a bit further, to give a touch more, will end in disaster. You're already pretty stretched; overextend yourself any further and only your chiropractor will benefit.
Leo - Remember the movie "The Fly"? You're currently caught in a temporal vortex that is creating a disturbing concoction of your future dreams and past hopes. Results are in doubt. When the time machine whirls to a halt, what monster will stagger out? Only you could make mutant hybrid look good.
Virgo - Most of you Virgos live by a very sophisticated personal moral code. Whether that means anything to the rest of the world or not, is immaterial to you. Let them become soft and corrupt; your standards will never flag. That being said, I'm betting that this week you'll get a few illicit items past your own censor.
Libra - Coming soon, you and that arrogant prick you work with (no I don't know which one) accidentally get locked up together in a room full of pink canisters containing nitrous oxide and purple canisters containing helium. Twenty four hours and eight canisters later, the two of you emerge battered, bloody and best friends for life.
Scorpio - One carelessly spelled text message has you waiting hours for your friends in a venue they don't even know exists. You're wondering what to do when an old flame walks in, you get to talking and suddenly it feels like yesterday and loneliness is gone. Be careful, or suddenly it'll feel like tomorrow and your self-respect will be gone.
Sagittarius - Put a flashlight in your pocket. You 'll need it; you're going to be encountering localized power failures. Localized as in wherever you are the lights will go out. Quick thinking results in you being seen as the one who saved the situation rather than the one who caused it. C'mon, covering up for a blackout? Child's play.
Capricorn - Before you decide to buy a round for the house, make sure you've actually got the funds available. Oh you and I both know that the money is there, but you don't want to take a chance on the bank making you look foolish. There's nothing a financial institution likes better than a chance to mock. Don't give them the satisfaction.
Aquarius - You've now hit the snooze button so many times that it's starting to hit back. I can just see the doctor's note to your boss. "Please excuse (blank's) absence from work. Early this morning (blank) was attacked by an alarm clock, and while expected to make a full recovery, will not regain consciousness until late afternoon."
Pisces - Life would be simpler if it were an all you can eat salad bar. There would be a dizzying array of choices. You could sample each, and go back for more of your faves. You'd never run out - salad bars are always being restocked. Well, life is a salad bar, and the only thing holding you back is the sneeze guard.
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