Saturday, February 24, 2007

Blogoscopes, February 26th to March 5th 2007

Aries - Every Aries loves a good 'thrill ride'. Defying the limits of the everyday world. Zero gravity at breathtaking speeds. This week, reacquaint yourself with the old fashioned Ferris wheel; just going around in slow circles with someone you trust not to rock the car too much; your friends on the ground waving as you go by. And when you get to the top, you can see everything so clearly.

Taurus - Do you remember the joy of being a kid who was learning to play one parent off against the other? While they're arguing over whether or not you're grounded, you are helping yourself to whatever got you in trouble in the first place. Okay you may not have experienced it but you've seen it on TV. This week when you feel the urge to steal the cookie jar or borrow the car, just do it. Everything will be back where it belongs before anyone notices.

Gemini - "Get down get deeper and down, get down get deeper and down", typical of the sage and too often ignored words of wisdom from those celebrated philosophers, the Spice Girls. Proving once again that you can be adorable and still be meaningful. This week, while everyone seems to be neglecting you, you and your twin spend quality time staring into one each other's eyes, meditating on the sustaining qualities of cotton candy.

Cancer - Needs must where the devil drives, and let's face it, where you're concerned, he took the wheel a while back. Have you noticed that he has apparently been chauffeuring you around the same block all this time. Typical man - lost and won't admit it let alone ask for directions. Meanwhile you've been mesmerized into believing that what he's showing you is actual scenery. You've seen all he has to offer. Get out of the car at the next corner.

Leo - Thanks for being you, Leo. Thanks for your warmth, charm and generosity of spirit; for your grace and beauty, your wisdom and honesty; and for giving me an excuse to use the phrase 'giant clown shoes' in a blogoscope. With all of your regal perfection, you have this one tiny flaw - an Achilles heel if you will - you sometimes forget how to laugh at yourself. Wearing canoes on your feet could be the needed touch of wabi sabi that highlights your fabulous-ness.

Virgo - You can't really remember any recent head trauma, but for some reason you are beginning to manifest a condition closely approximating a fugue state. Ask someone you trust to start putting your name and phone number on all your stuff (and your underwear) just in case. In a short while you'll wake up to discover that you've finger painted all over the walls. Don't even try clean it up until you've read it.

Libra - It looks as though you need some serious me-time. Hey, me-time is not supposed to be serious. Did you know studies have proved that the best ideas come to you when you're playing and that laughter attracts money? Just studies, that's all, why does it matter what studies? All right, yes they were my studies but they were in-depth studies. Have I ever steered you wrong before? Okay, okay, maybe once or twice, but you had fun right?

Scorpio - There is always something about a Scorpio that screams pirate! Whatever your appearance, whatever your demeanor; even if your exterior is bland, beige and boring, your interior is rude, lewd and tattooed. This is a good week for swashing some buckle, so grab a sword and start swinging through the rigging. If the sword you grab is not your own be sure to ask permission first. Ditto for the rigging.

Sagittarius - Remember the days when you would get detention and have to stay in at recess or after school. Remember the anger, indignation and disgust you felt at the obvious injustice being done not just to you but to your spirit, to the spirit of humanity and to the greater truth? Well you're not seven and this is not detention. Stay in and get things done or go play and forget all about your goals and aspirations. Either way stop sulking about it.

Capricorn - There are those who believe you're asleep at the wheel. Others believe you're on auto-pilot. I believe you are listening for the reassuring voice of Obi Wan Kenobi to guide you in your efforts to use the force. Oh foolish one! A good Jedi knows that the force does not require effort and it's not about trying. The force is about faith. Have faith in yourself. Now wake up and steer this thing!

Aquarius - This week in our ongoing space saga, the crew is pitted against an evil as old as time itself. Powers are stretched and tempers frayed during the scramble to discover a way to defeat this ancient enemy. Suddenly, the monkey points out that what they thought was their opponent is actually a giant mirror. Spiritual revelations and personal catharsis for everybody: laughs and hugs all around. To be continued...

Pisces - The roof may not be the best place to sit during an electrical storm, but it certainly gives you the best view of the lightening. The fact that your house is made out of rubber and is also surrounded by airbags up to the eaves slightly lessens the chance of experiencing any actual danger. Still, for someone who likes their reality to be more on the virtual side, you're being very brave.

Saturday, February 17, 2007

Blogoscopes February 19th to 26th 2007

Aries - This week you discover that for years you've been using the wrong fork, holding that yoga pose incorrectly and mispronouncing your own last name. Know what? Chicken butt. Don't let yourself get bogged down in the minutiae. Public etiquette is fickle. In the bigger picture you're a trendsetter.

Taurus - You dream that you're Babe Ruth and what you fantasized as a home run, got snagged at the wall. So now you have to hustle and in dreams, it's really hard to run. In a nightmare twist, suddenly there's a fourth base! What do you do? Relax, this is what the designated hitter rule is for.

Gemini - You're going to walk away from an important meeting only to realize that you have a huge zit on the end of your nose. Contrary to what you might fear, your public stock has just soared, as nobody could believe you were so composed with that giant thing on your face! Never underrate the power of aplomb.

Cancer - Please don't do anybody any favours this week. I know you feel a responsibility to mankind but whatever efforts you might make to do a little extra, to go a bit further, to give a touch more, will end in disaster. You're already pretty stretched; overextend yourself any further and only your chiropractor will benefit.

Leo - Remember the movie "The Fly"? You're currently caught in a temporal vortex that is creating a disturbing concoction of your future dreams and past hopes. Results are in doubt. When the time machine whirls to a halt, what monster will stagger out? Only you could make mutant hybrid look good.

Virgo - Most of you Virgos live by a very sophisticated personal moral code. Whether that means anything to the rest of the world or not, is immaterial to you. Let them become soft and corrupt; your standards will never flag. That being said, I'm betting that this week you'll get a few illicit items past your own censor.

Libra - Coming soon, you and that arrogant prick you work with (no I don't know which one) accidentally get locked up together in a room full of pink canisters containing nitrous oxide and purple canisters containing helium. Twenty four hours and eight canisters later, the two of you emerge battered, bloody and best friends for life.

Scorpio - One carelessly spelled text message has you waiting hours for your friends in a venue they don't even know exists. You're wondering what to do when an old flame walks in, you get to talking and suddenly it feels like yesterday and loneliness is gone. Be careful, or suddenly it'll feel like tomorrow and your self-respect will be gone.

Sagittarius - Put a flashlight in your pocket. You 'll need it; you're going to be encountering localized power failures. Localized as in wherever you are the lights will go out. Quick thinking results in you being seen as the one who saved the situation rather than the one who caused it. C'mon, covering up for a blackout? Child's play.

Capricorn - Before you decide to buy a round for the house, make sure you've actually got the funds available. Oh you and I both know that the money is there, but you don't want to take a chance on the bank making you look foolish. There's nothing a financial institution likes better than a chance to mock. Don't give them the satisfaction.

Aquarius - You've now hit the snooze button so many times that it's starting to hit back. I can just see the doctor's note to your boss. "Please excuse (blank's) absence from work. Early this morning (blank) was attacked by an alarm clock, and while expected to make a full recovery, will not regain consciousness until late afternoon."

Pisces - Life would be simpler if it were an all you can eat salad bar. There would be a dizzying array of choices. You could sample each, and go back for more of your faves. You'd never run out - salad bars are always being restocked. Well, life is a salad bar, and the only thing holding you back is the sneeze guard.

Sunday, February 11, 2007

Blogoscopes February 12th - 19th 2007

Aries - Can you say cookie? This week someone serves you an incredible dinner and then willingly fulfills every sexual fantasy you have ever entertained. For now, don't worry about who that someone might be. I promise you'll feel loved.

Taurus - Romantically speaking, you seem to have just missed the boat. It doesn't matter, because the skies are indicating a universal conspiracy to support you in a far deeper and more loving manner than any candy hearts ever could.

Gemini - You're spoilt for choice this week and that's just the way you like it. So many lovers, so little time - oooh so many presents. Two things to keep in mind - you're worth more than diamonds, and 'no' is a perfectly acceptable choice.

Cancer - You are swept off your feet, whisked away to exotic destinations and woo'ed at the speed of light. Go with it! Let yourself be adored, pampered, catered to, and spoiled. When you finally come back down to earth, it will be a far nicer earth then the one you left behind.

Leo - This is so sexy; you've met a great conversationalist. You love having your ego stroked, but you like to have your mind stroked too. Differing opinions can be hot - temperatures rising, passions heating up - sometimes there's only one way to settle an argument.

Virgo - The party's at your place this week. What starts as a quiet celebration of your love in its purest form, becomes a gathering of all those drawn to your nurturing light. Don't worry you don't have to cook for them all - get the caterers in.

Libra - You can't decide whether to stay in and be good or go out and be bad. HEY! Stay in and be bad. Start slowly - how about dinner a deux - in bed? After that, who knows, you might even forget to do the dishes. You're a wild one.

Scorpio - Love comes to you like a pat on the head. It's a reward. It also made the first move - a daunting scenario for you. New Mantra - "I've got what it takes". You really do have what it takes, so just get over it and get down to the fun stuff.

Sagittarius - You may need more alone time this week. Nothing wrong with that. You don't need to let a calendar rule your emotions. I do think you'll be able to find enough of whatever you need to be calm within yourself and still indulge in some loving silliness.

Capricorn - You're the whole enchilada this week - full of beans, happy as a clam, sweet as honey and wholesome as apple pie. Someone just wants to eat you up, but they're thinking cozy table and candlelight, you're thinking picnic. Don't compromise! You will get your way.

Aquarius - All Aquarians know what it's like to be Spiderman. Worlds to save - no time for love. All those sticky emotions could be a trap for our hero. This week the world throws a great big "Thanks for Saving Me" party in your honour.

Pisces - Congratulations, you've won a 7 day all expense paid trip to Guilt Free. Nothing you do now will have any lasting effect so go ahead and let your hair down; you can deny it all later. Can I recommend the sleepwalking defence?

Sunday, February 04, 2007

Blogoscope February 5th to 12th 2007

Aries - Okay so the cavalry hasn't arrived yet, but you can definitely hear the pounding of horses' hooves. Other cliches of hope surround you; darkest before the dawn, close a door open a window, etc. etc. Feel free to clutch any straw you like but ignore all references to lights at the end of the tunnels. Is it a search party? Is it a speeding locomotive? You don't need that kind of pressure right now. Concentrate on being rescued.

Taurus - Your lucky numbers are 5 and 7. Five senses, Seven days a week. Continue to pay close attention to every moment. Take the time to appreciate where you are right now. Too often you chafe to be elsewhere. Good or bad, every circumstance of your current situation is contributing to where you ultimately want to be. Make time to acknowledge that. Recognize that there's a difference between being grounded and being rooted.

Gemini - You made it! It was a squeaker, and you worked really hard for it, but you survived. You deserve to reward yourself in a big way. Epic celebrations are in order. Everything, all the time. Now ask yourself, what if you could always live like this? What if everyday was this amazing? What would it take to make that happen? There...now you know what you want, go get it.

Cancer - If the twenty-first century has taught us anything, it's that fame without celebrity will not pay the rent. They used to say you're only as good as the last thing you've done, now you're only as good as the last thing you got caught doing in an alley. You may be fabulicious, but without an audience you're just pathetic so get out there and shake something. Your fans are waiting.

Leo - There are no situations in life that cannot be addressed with a good cat metaphor. An entire greeting card industry and an inordinate percentage of e-mail chain letters thrive on this premise. For Leos, however, it is often literally true. Spend the next few days hiding under the bed. By the time you've assessed the damage and feel ready to be seen in public again, everyone else will have forgotten that you set fire to your own tail. Hang in there baby!

Virgo - When I was in Brownies, I was taught how to darn a sock. I was so good at it that not only did I get my badge, I immediately got to fly up to Sixer. I'm sad that I have never again had occasion to darn a sock. Why am I telling you this? Because only a Virgo really understands how very disappointing it can be to never get a chance to use a skill or talent at which you really excel. Plus I know how much you love obscure references to arcane coming of age rituals.

Libra - You have been an absolute saint. You've set aside all of your own needs for the sake of the greater good. Much of the success that those around you are enjoying is due to your hard work and sacrifice. Is that why you did it? And let me just say right here - it's okay if it is! Your motives are your own so you might as well truly own them. Get yourself a big gold star and pin it to your lapel...everything else will fall into place.

Scorpio - You picked up a stray and now it's puking on your carpet. Well they say no good deed goes unpunished. Except this didn't start out as a good deed did it? You thought this was what you wanted and in a two-dimensional world it is. In this world, the one you actually live in, it's more than you bargained for. So you can either get 3-D or resign yourself to becoming a comic book character.

Sagittarius - You know that old saying "Lucky at cards, unlucky in love"? Well this week, you could leave home for milk and show up two days later with the new lover you won at Texas Hold'Em. For any other sign of the zodiac that would be an analogy - for you it's apt to be a reality. Your current lover reads your blogoscope every week in a vain attempt to determine whether or not you are cheating. All of which is to say don't press your luck and don't flaunt it either.

Capricorn - The devil is standing two feet to the left and just behind you. Nobody else can see him, but you know he's there. You can hear him. He's been trying to get your attention for a while, but only now has his voice actually begun to register in your conscious mind. Hypnotic, demonic, seductive, destructive, there is only one way to counteract his dark power. Picture him in a glitter wig and go-go boots singing "Somewhere Over The Rainbow". It's all about perspective.

Aquarius - It's always good to be able to see where you're going, and to this end, most people have become reliant on some source of light - daylight, flashlight, spotlight, candlelight. Only Aquarians make a habit of illuminating their paths with the flaming afterglow of their last adventure. Good for you! Back light means silhouettes and silhouettes make you look thin.

Pisces - There are times when you can have too much of a good thing and this is especially true of you sensitive Pisceans. You're smart, popular and in demand and while your instinct is to satisfy the needs of all who clamour after you, you're not sure how to do it without killing anyone. Try this - throw a dinner party, invite everyone, introduce a few people to a few other people, let them do all the work and you take all the credit. Sound good?