Blogoscopes May 21st to May 28th, 2007

Aries - Was there ever a time when you took a leap off the high diving board at your local pool and lost your swimsuit as you hit the deep end? Maybe people laughed and pointed or maybe no one noticed at all but you just wanted to sink to the bottom and stay there until everyone else was gone. Well dig out your snorkeling gear because you are about to get in over your head again - OR - didn't that naked kid in the swimming pool also pray for the courage to just walk out bare-assed and unembarassed in front of the world? This week as you stroll toward your nemesis H2O try a visualizing exercise that will have the hecklers too distracted to notice you. It will also remind you that everyone is imperfect. Oh and never swim without a buddy.

Taurus - If a picture is worth a thousand words, then I should just stop typing here and let you figure it out. I'm afraid that what I say will only confuse things so feel free to ignore me and just look at the pictures. If you're still reading then let me tell you that the party is over. There are still a few drunken guests scattered throughout the house, including your cousin's underage girlfriend, your neighbour's cockatoo and your ex, who is going through your medicine cabinet. As tempting as it is to just got to bed and ignore them all, you really have to sort them out and clean up before you can get any sleep. If you don't, they'll still be there in the morning and then they'll make you late for work.

Gemini - It's your birthday season and things are going so well for you that you won't even be offended by all the things I say about Gemini in this week's feature. Besides I got you a present.

Okay now as far as the week ahead goes, there are some dark things lurking in the corners of your mind; well every body's minds really but you may be more familiar with your demons than others are. Of course they're not much in evidence these days with the sun being so shiny in Gemini, but remember Sunnydale? How much easier would things have been for Buffy if every corpse was simply exposed to sunshine before it was buried. Be proactive and have a look under the beds and in the back of closets. Don't forget the basement. Believe me, recognizing and naming your horrors is half the battle.

Cancer - You currently seem to have the emotional maturity - read neediness - of a pre-pubescent girl. No longer a child but not quite a woman, you know the world could be a better place but your vision for making that happen involves unicorns, glitter and a lot of pale pink. Okay maybe I'm being a bit harsh - on pre-pubescent girls! What has gotten into you?
All this pouting, stamping your feet and flouncing out of rooms is most unbecoming and you're the only one who knows the reasons for your behaviour. You do know why your acting this way don't you? Relax, having breasts is not a bad thing.

Leo - Did you know that there is a Tug 0f War International Federation? Tug of war was once an Olympic sport (track and field) and there are apparently really complicated rules and procedures involved in putting two teams at opposite ends of a rope. There are dress codes and weight restrictions, rope specifications and venue criteria. Competitors are called pullers, naturally, (I defy you not to snicker); they belong to clubs, attend Annual General Meetings and offer guidance to younger pullers (smrnf!). In South Africa, serious medical research is being done on pulling. There is no time limit to a pull, but you'll be glad to hear that they usually last only a few minutes. You may be out of your weight class but you don't have much longer to hold on.

Virgo - One important aspect of being a Virgo is concern for diet and nutrition. Honest, it says so right here in my astrology book. This keeps you grounded healthy and strong while enabling another Virgo trait, which is to always lend a helping hand to those in need and to do so without ever actually getting sucked in to any of the icky bits; literally and figuratively, you feed people. And over the coming weeks, that's going to bug the shit out of you. I mean honestly can't these people ever learn to feed themselves? You showed them what they need to know why don't they get it? Alas, the sad and lonely lot of those few, those happy few, the proud, the discerning, the under-appreciated - ah to hell with the lesser folk, here's a toast to you.

Libra - I'm giving you a homework assignment. Fat chance that you'll do it because you are the least likely person I know to even read this column. Frankly I could pretty much write anything I want here for all the impact it has on you. The yourself lefors be heat grievance veranda his as inhibition. That's just some spam I got this week. A mansfield as ironsides her inlaton with hoodsport of derry between leeton. Hoodsport is kind of intriguing don't you think? Anyway, I'm going to do this every week until I hear back from you. Oh and I haven't forgotten your homework. All you have to do is watch a movie. At least check out the website. Come on, just click on the link and look at the picture....that's all I'm asking.

Scorpio - I'm dog-sitting with Grace this weekend. The last few times I've been here the weather has been vile, so we're really celebrating the sunshine with lots of walking. Grace is smart, funny, affectionate and a slave to the T-R-E-A-T. I bribe shamelessly and Grace has developed a system to calculate what she has to do to receive the maximum reward cookies during the course of the average stroll. This afternoon as we crossed to the park a police cruiser turned the corner from Queen onto Degrassi at high speed, lights and sirens flashing. It felt like a violation of the tranquility of this lovely street. Every human in sight stopped and stood staring after the car. Grace's eyes never left the treat pocket. Did I mention that she's a Scorpio?

Sagittarius - Have you ever been to Oklahoma? Did you know that Toby Keith is a brand? Do you even know who Toby Keith is? He's the latest cover boy for tourism in Oklahoma. And he sings. Keith Urban is another singer and he's also a brand although not as aggressively. Brian Keith, Keith Carradine, and Keith Clark (superman's younger brother?) are not brands. In fact I would be willing to bet that most of the Keiths in the world are not brands. Although my research would seem to indicate that you don't have to become a brand in order to evolve into a cliche, I imagine that it certainly greases the pole. The only advice I can give to you this week is "Don't be a Keith"

Capricorn- Spring has sprung. The loony bins seem to have flung open doors and sprung the residents. Vibrant and - we hope - one of a kind costumes appear on every second pedestrian you meet. Unusual modes of transportation cross our streets - frequently against traffic. Music is booming from cars, store fronts and shoulder borne boom boxes. Yes a lot of it is retro-trash, but some of the things you see are completely new and different. Closer to the spirit of the 60's than the 80's. I believe we should try our best to see, instead of crazy people, humans flowering, and every vernal moment must be viewed as a new (capital R) Renaissance. Give some thought to purchasing love beads.

Aquarius - All the astrological advice I've ever seen has insisted that Aquarians must work as part of a self-sacrificing team of humanitarians to find leading edge solutions to the problem of man's inhumanity to everything else on the face of the Earth. The combination of science, technology, new age vision and a brilliant mind will move Aquarius to the forefront of any effort to save mankind and change the world. Which of course leaves Aquarius with only two career options - Evil Despot or X-Men. Or maybe you should follow in Magneto's footsteps and use the X thing as a stepping stone to becoming Dark Lord. Ooh, and you'll find your trusted side kick/lackey through a reality show we'll call Evil Idol. See what can happen when you truly believe in your dreams?

Pisces - Now would be a good time for you to take up the practice of yoga. Avail yourself of the many physical and spiritual benefits it offers while you work to achieve balance and calm. Can Nirvana be far behind if you've mastered the downward dawg? Yes I said dawg and I meant dawg. It would be detrimental to your well being for you to take any of what is happening right now too seriously. Staying relaxed and flexible is the only thing that's going to keep you from snapping in the coming weeks. That's why the yoga is so good for you. It helps to keep you super bendy so that if you find you're chasing your own tail at least you won't sprain anything in the process. If you can keep your head from slipping up your own ass you'll be fine.