Aries - Can you imagine how pissed off Shilpa Shetty must be at Richard Gere right now? Putting her on trial for obscenity seems like arresting a fire hydrant for allowing a dog to pee on it. If anybody should be pressing charges it's her. And Gere might as well start wearing a 'Ghandi is my Dude' t-shirt because it appears that his reverence for all things eastern is just a fashion statement. Any credibility he had is shot. Remember this if you find yourself in an alternate reality this week. No matter how friendly the surroundings, I advise you to take time to learn the customs, and hold off on spreading the gospel until after you've memorized the rule book.
Taurus - What do you think is really happening with Brangelina? Are they in love or on the rocks? It begins to look more and more as though their relationship is a publicity stunt, staged to let each of them acquire the offspring they desire. Angelina gets financial backing from Brad and by carrying his child, makes a public declaration of commitment that allows her to buy more babies. Brad gets the blond beauty he wanted and all it cost him was his take of Ocean's 13 and a few photo ops. The two of them are playing the press like a zither and their kids are doomed to live in Hollywood mythology. So apparently being rich, beautiful and blessed isn't what it's cracked up to be.
Gemini - My new idol is Amy Sedaris, and one of the things I like most about her is how parts of her remind me of parts of you. My favourite parts. The parts where you become famous in a way that is completely and uniquely your own and draws on your personal visions of a joyous life. The parts that are constantly blowing spitballs at the conventional, stepping on toes, crossing lines, asking questions, and surprising everybody with a direct approach to getting what you want. The parts that are so sparklingly genuine and original that everything you do shines. Now as far as the parts that self-medicate go, I'll leave you to pick your own poison.
Cancer - Although he might get by with a little help from his friends, it's pretty obvious that none of Joe Cocker's friends are plastic surgeons. But who cares, he still sounds like he was raised on bourbon and butterscotch and is still firmly ensconced in my list of the top two Sheffield rockers I want to have drinks with before I die. Jarvis Cocker (no relation) is the other one. Neither one is what you'd call a looker, but they're way more real and therefore way more sexy than many of their so-called good looking counter parts. If people love the genuine you, why would anyone settle for just being pretty?
Leo - It might not hurt to spend the next few days thinking of yourself as Britney Spears. You can pretend that all those love letters from fans are yours. Both of you have been going through a shit time and everybody has an opinion about you and what used to be solid and real is now brittle and receding. It's kind of like a water-slide. You feel as though you're getting knocked around a lot in a relentless downward spiral that is out of your control. Okay it's a rough ride but it's brief, ends in a pool of water and unlike Ms. Spears', your life is taking place in the real world. It's a dilemma, not a drama and if you keep that in mind it will all be fine.
Virgo - Someone like Lilly Allen really gives me hope for young women. Here's someone whose lyrics describe a very immediate interaction with her world, and who has the ability to share it with others frankly and fully. She's drinking too much, she's not happy on tour, and she's finding a mature and honest way to protect her self while still honouring her commitments. There is work ahead for both of you - for Lilly it's her second album, for you? who knows? Be prepared to have to fight to hang on to the shreds of your dreams, but remember that all it takes is a spark to ignite a forest fire.
Libra - Roger Waters spent years separated from the people with whom he made what is arguably some of his best work. And why did he do this? Artistic differences and creative control - the bain of every musical confabulation known to mankind. In a Pantheon that includes Lennon & McCartney, and Sonny & Cher, Waters' split with the rest of Pink Floyd was the one we were all certain would never be healed. It was like something out of a Dickens novel, replete with gentle satire, gritty realism, a cast of dozens and a propensity to marvelous synchronicities. And yet there was Live 8! Nothing has changed and yet everything is different
Scorpio - So now you've been Back to the Future - how did you like it? Maybe it felt more like Groundhog Day to you, but either way Buckaroo Bonzai is right when he says that no matter where you go, there you are. Ah hell lets go right to the top and talk Doctor Who. Can you pretend your Christopher Ecclestone for the rest of this scope? Great, now the point is that you appear to be unaware that you are a time lord which means you should be able to slow things down now, before things end in yet another train wreck. Copy these words on to a post-it note, stick them in your wallet and read this if there is ever a next time around. So that'll be like, let's hope never.
Sagittarius - Any retrospective you see of the 1969 moon landing as good as states that Buzz Aldrin lost out to Neil Armstrong to be the first man to walk on the moon. If I was Neil I would have insisted on drawing straws, or rock paper scissors, or best out of three. Aldrin was probably relieved. Michael Collins dodged a bullet. I can't imagine volunteering for this job. Now you, as courageous as you are and as 'out there' as you can be, you still like to know that there is solid ground beneath your feet. Elementally you need both air and fuel to burn as brightly as you do. Both are in short supply on the moon. So you better get the best astronaut suit you can afford and get ready.
Capricorn - No good deed goes unpunished. Apparently a quote from Clare Booth Luce although I'm not sure exactly what part of her fairy tale life inspired it. Escapes with her daughter from an abusive marriage and divorces in 1929 - a time when divorcee and whore were pretty much interchangeable words. Becomes a successful career woman in several chosen fields. Marries her soul mate and has a long life highlighted by respect for her work in all areas. If they made a movie of her life Nicole Kidman would play her. Who would play you?
Aquarius - Have you ever imagined yourself as the word's best cricket player? I don't know who James Anderson is but alphabetically he's the first famous cricket player who comes up when you Google. Cricket is the perfect game for you. No one ever understands all the rules; it's prettier than baseball; it is the national sport of the colonized. This week you should think of taking up hang-gliding - it's even prettier than cricket, leaves more room for individuality and there's a lot of room yet for people to get famous at it.
Pisces - John Travolta recently had a near miss with a plane crash and if there really is a God/ess, that was his/her way of saying wake up! Look in the mirror! Which of course is not how he'll translate it but to each his own. Your own avian tragi-comedy bears more resemblance to Lost and the possibilities of where your plot goes from here are nearly endless. If you don't already have a website maybe you should think about it and if you have a website but no blog, then get one of those. Just make sure you balance your time. You can't spend it all trying to make contact with the outside world, there are huts to build and wild boars to slaughter.
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