Aries - WARNING! INNUENDO ALERT! You should take the time to learn some really good sea songs like Drunken Sailor, The Dead Horse Shanty, or even Blow the Man Down. If it all sounds a bit much like last Friday night, then you're on the right track. Most appropriately you are going to be participating in what is apparently known as Pearling - I warned you - and in order to get the most out of it, you have to be prepared to put all of yourself into it. You'll discover that this is an activity best pursued as part of a team and that there is a suggested dress code. So pretty much the same crap as last week only bigger.
Taurus - Nobody is better equipped to deal with shit than you are. You have the all the tools and you've even read the manual, now if only you could find the time to actually do everything you believe you need to get done. What if I told you that you're using the wrong tools, worrying about fixing things that aren't broken, and that you could get somebody else to do the work for you really easily? There is a simple, beautiful, creative way to accomplish just about everything in life. If you really want to make all of your dreams come true, you don't need more time and more tools you just require a change in perspective.
Gemini - I'm just going to continue to think of every day as you birthday as long as the Sun is in Gemini. Why do I do this for you and not for every sign of the Zodiac? Well probably because when I think of birthdays I think of parties and when I think of parties I think of Gemini and since every party needs good music I am giving you, Gemini, the gift of music . Again you ask why, as in why the Boogie Pimps? Well let me tell you - it's partly the music (upbeat like you), partly the embedded MP3 player(accessible like you), partly that Boogie Pimps have attained (like you) Superstar status but mostly because Boogie Pimps appears to be just one single guy who refers to himself in the plural (a multiple personality just like you).
Cancer - Do you have a blog? A Friendster, Facebook, or MySpace account? It's impossible to do anything on-line today without being dragged into some sort of social network. Every site, every search engine, every e-mail server offers you the opportunity to find other surfers like you. You can log on to find out who else in the world enjoys collecting celebrity antique dryer lint AND loves a good tractor pull. It might be wiser, however, if you pursued a course of more discernment and sought out only those specific individuals with whom you can share your love of misogyny. And store your photo collection of toe nails.
Leo - Pinball would be the perfect analogy for your life of late. You've been ricocheting around between dearth and excess, reality and fantasy, the pragmatic and the sentimental, and good old Saturn is the one who always shouts TILT. Most unfortunately, you're in some sort of rebounding loop that negates your superior paddle control and your use of body 'English'. Time to think about changing the game. You may still be bouncing about uncontrollably, but with the proper placement of equipment - like all over your floor, walls and ceiling - you can come to enjoy and even reap the benefits of this bouncy lifestyle.
Virgo - There comes a time in every individual life when it is necessary to face the fact that there are younger, stronger and better contenders advancing quickly from behind. It's not always easy to come to grips with our own mortality and give way gracefully to the usurping generation. Luckily for you that time has not yet arrived. You have a mission to complete and due to mythic portents, you must do it alone; the ravening pack has not yet abandoned you to the ice floes. It's true that there has been a general evacuation of the total population within three square miles around while you defuse the situation. That's why you feel so alone.
Libra - As I mentioned last week, until you prove to me that you're actually reading this, all I'm giving you is the poetry of spam. To wit: My Mancos she farrar be well Kalida. Office mate then decompose that millstone. Each Kannapolis it the links on laFeria it hilliards. Tunnel a Realistic but each neola, Go Kunia each miley my collbran this cannelbury. On fountainville, our lives dunellen. There's something magic in these words and I'm hoping to accidentally hit on the proper incantation that brings you back to us.
Scorpio - I wasn't too sure how to tell you what you need to know this week until I stumbled upon this. It is such a dark, yet hopeful, romantic, naive, and starkly lush riff on the nature of reality - internal, individual or imposed. It is the combination of this image with this text in this setting that gives it meaning. It illustrates the concept of subjective reality by forcing us to confront our own reaction to.....wait a gosh darn second, did I just hear you giggling? Did you actually snort? You know if you don't pay attention, you will soon discover that you wouldn't know a false reality if it smacked you in the face!
Sagittarius - When people want to tell you that something was difficult or arduous they often say things like "it was no picnic", "it was no walk in the park" or "it was no day at the beach". Well that's just great. Now you know that what ever they were up to did not involve dragging a wicker basket and/or cooler across a quarter acre of sun-scorched grass and dog poo in order to bake their skin in the sun while consuming a quart of sand with the chicken salad and using their teeth to strain mosquitoes out of the lemonade. We need a new yardstick for relaxation. There's nothing more banal than the meaningless.
Capricorn - We live in a world where it is never truly dark yet fear of the unknown is on the increase - exponentially! Do you sometimes wonder what it must have been like to live in a time when your activity was limited by the amount of available light? No? Well try it now. What if you could only supplement natural light with fire, oil lamps or candles? What if (gasp) all you had was sunlight? How would that effect the way you live your life? Are there things that you do now that you would do differently or not at all if you only had daylight hours in which to operate? Your penchant for ambient lighting may be blinding you to something obvious.
Aquarius - It's absolutely staggering to me how many people there are who believe that they know exactly how to save the world. Girl Scouts, comedians, Walt Disney, God and even inanimate objects - each holds a special key to rescuing mankind. What if one of them is right and has a plan that works? Suddenly everything that was defined as bad, never happens again; no wars, no hunger, no crushing poverty and illness; we achieve universal education and health care, along with complete separation of church and state - worldwide. Freedom, equality and an end to spiritual bankruptcy. Hey wait! Isn't that some sort of communism? Or is it anarchy?
Pisces - You feel as though you're walking on icing. If you eat too much icing you feel sick to your stomach. Armed with only Google and Todd's arcane mumblings about icing I sallied forth seeking inspiration for your horoscope this week. A direct hit on this gorgeous little blog and my theory of randomness is validated once again. Stop worrying about calories, nausea and slippery footing and remind yourself that icing is usually a good indicator of the presence of cake. And yes that means that you have to stop getting caught up in surface details because you're missing out on cake.
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