Blogoscopes Week of July 30th to August 6th, 2007

Aries - Are you old enough to remember Pet Rocks? In 1975 they were a zany fad promoted as an ideal zero maintenance pet. Seen from this angle they were the thin edge of the wedge that introduced us to the emotional cowardice we now call irony, a pathology of perfection and programmable relationships. In fact we could probably draw a line from Pet Rocks through Tamagotchis to Blackberrys. True there are more buttons to push these days, but wouldn't you rather spend time with someone/thing that could push back? And has, like a pulse maybe?

Taurus - You can't say enough about the importance of a good wheel man in pulling off a successful heist - no use what so ever in white collar crime or the long con, but essential to your average bank robbery. Hollywood loves them because car chases can be very sexy. Do you remember anything about The Italian Job other than the Minis? While a speedy get away vehicle is no doubt important, if your aider and abettor is loyal and intelligent you could escape on a pogo stick. And you just might have to, so conspire carefully.

Gemini - In 1983 Pope John Paul II abolished the centuries old tradition known as the Devil's Advocate. The God's Advocate apparently survived the cut. These two used to argue both sides of any case for canonization and since the 80's there has been a 500% increase in 20th century saintings and a 1300% rise in beatification. Maybe there was a backlog, but I think it was a mistake that sounded the death knell of democracy and justice. After all if a saint can't stand up to the scrutiny then who can? Discuss.

Cancer - I'm almost afraid to tell you this but it is now possible for you to fulfill your dream of travelling in outer space. It's not quite astronaut status but it's closer than you ever truly hoped you might be, and the only science you have to know is cartoon physics - don't look down. You can bet your own butt that the sponsors have got their asses covered from one end of the galaxy to the other and so should you. Faith in your fantasy is one thing, being tricked into joining some sort of space cult is another all together. Can't wait to see who wins.

Leo - I'm not sure I see any real advantage to the end of the cold war do you? There must still be spying and stealing and skull-duggery being committed. The majority of the nefariousness is probably virtual or at least digital and dullullull. It is up to you to engineer the return of the classy spy. Model yourself on The Avengers - the quietly opulent lifestyle, the devil-may-care insouciance and the love of their work that was so strong it allowed them to be comfortable taking orders from a fat man named Mother. Passion is not just sexy, it's also subversive.

Virgo - It seems weird that "glad-handing" - which sounds as though it should be a lot of fun - has nothing but negative connotations attached to it. It would make a great euphemism for all kind of stuff if it weren't synonymous with the slimy and the self serving in all walks of life . What if you really could spread gladness with a touch? Would you do it? Where would you start? How would you go about doing it without looking creepy? Maybe you better just forget it, glad-handing is just doomed to eternal sleaziness.

Libra - Have you ever thought about what it would be like in a flotation room? They used to be called sensory deprivation tanks but the actual process is a lot more involved than either name would suggest. Apparently you have to train for it. Well duh! I'd hate to think what would happen if you just got into one of these things and shut the lid. Oh sure, who doesn't think it would be magic to shut out the world for a little while, but do you really think you're ready to shut it off? It's one way to find out if you have gotten over your trust issues.

Scorpio - Hollywood loves the over-the-top space spectacular. Who could seriously resist creating something that uses language like event horizon, future light, hyper/turbo everything or my personal favourite, escape velocity? Causal pasts, actual pasts, ditto futures...the modern descriptors of concepts so old and so powerful that to name them is to call them. I bet the first person to return from a black hole will be a Scorpio. Just in case, why don't you think about the words you might use to describe your own hyper-future-event-velocity.

Sagittarius - Inside each of us is something that believes it knows what we are capable of being. Consisting of equal parts id, ego, super-ego and soul, it is what is known in medical parlance as "The Mass of Contradictions". It causes each of us to believe strongly that we could do this, would do that, will fail at one and are frightened of the other, all the while earnestly praying that we will never be tested. Well sharpen your pencils for a pop quiz. Check all that apply. I still truly deeply madly believe that I.....

Capricorn - In your opinion which character has more fun, Gotham City's most eligible bachelor, Bruce Wayne, jillionnaire industrialist, man about town, bon-vivante and fashion icon or; Batman, the misunderstood hero with a mission, a passion for justice, a hot car and a butt that looks good in tights? For a moment let's forget bat signals vs business deals, bat mobiles vs limousines and social events vs social justice and concentrate on the clothes. What sort of a fashion statement would your alter ego make?

Aquarius - If there's a server out there who hasn't at one time been embarrassed to realize that you just set a menu in front of a blind person, then I'd like to hear from you. Yesterday as I walked along Queen West, headphones firmly in place, volume cranked, a beggar with a white cane held his hand out to me. Without even thinking I just shook my head 'No' and do you know what? He turned away. So what I'm trying to say is don't knock the programming, it can save your ass. Trust in yourself because in the weeds no one can hear you scream.

Pisces - I'm pondering the evolution of the tableau vivante; first there is an event, which is then re-enacted by live models so that it can be immortalized in a painting which is in turn re-enacted by live models in order to immortalize....painting or event? This weekend saw the unveiling of a 21st century tableau vivante, The Two Coreys. Assuming Lost Boys was the event, re-enacted in ensuing movies creating a meme (which is kind of like an oil painting) so that makes this current project....? Well at least it's not a reality show!