Aries - WARNING! INNUENDO ALERT! You should take the time to learn some really good sea songs like Drunken Sailor, The Dead Horse Shanty, or even Blow the Man Down. If it all sounds a bit much like last Friday night, then you're on the right track. Most appropriately you are going to be participating in what is apparently known as Pearling - I warned you - and in order to get the most out of it, you have to be prepared to put all of yourself into it. You'll discover that this is an activity best pursued as part of a team and that there is a suggested dress code. So pretty much the same crap as last week only bigger.
Taurus - Nobody is better equipped to deal with shit than you are. You have the all the tools and you've even read the manual, now if only you could find the time to actually do everything you believe you need to get done. What if I told you that you're using the wrong tools, worrying about fixing things that aren't broken, and that you could get somebody else to do the work for you really easily? There is a simple, beautiful, creative way to accomplish just about everything in life. If you really want to make all of your dreams come true, you don't need more time and more tools you just require a change in perspective.
Gemini - I'm just going to continue to think of every day as you birthday as long as the Sun is in Gemini. Why do I do this for you and not for every sign of the Zodiac? Well probably because when I think of birthdays I think of parties and when I think of parties I think of Gemini and since every party needs good music I am giving you, Gemini, the gift of music . Again you ask why, as in why the Boogie Pimps? Well let me tell you - it's partly the music (upbeat like you), partly the embedded MP3 player(accessible like you), partly that Boogie Pimps have attained (like you) Superstar status but mostly because Boogie Pimps appears to be just one single guy who refers to himself in the plural (a multiple personality just like you).
Cancer - Do you have a blog? A Friendster, Facebook, or MySpace account? It's impossible to do anything on-line today without being dragged into some sort of social network. Every site, every search engine, every e-mail server offers you the opportunity to find other surfers like you. You can log on to find out who else in the world enjoys collecting celebrity antique dryer lint AND loves a good tractor pull. It might be wiser, however, if you pursued a course of more discernment and sought out only those specific individuals with whom you can share your love of misogyny. And store your photo collection of toe nails.
Leo - Pinball would be the perfect analogy for your life of late. You've been ricocheting around between dearth and excess, reality and fantasy, the pragmatic and the sentimental, and good old Saturn is the one who always shouts TILT. Most unfortunately, you're in some sort of rebounding loop that negates your superior paddle control and your use of body 'English'. Time to think about changing the game. You may still be bouncing about uncontrollably, but with the proper placement of equipment - like all over your floor, walls and ceiling - you can come to enjoy and even reap the benefits of this bouncy lifestyle.
Virgo - There comes a time in every individual life when it is necessary to face the fact that there are younger, stronger and better contenders advancing quickly from behind. It's not always easy to come to grips with our own mortality and give way gracefully to the usurping generation. Luckily for you that time has not yet arrived. You have a mission to complete and due to mythic portents, you must do it alone; the ravening pack has not yet abandoned you to the ice floes. It's true that there has been a general evacuation of the total population within three square miles around while you defuse the situation. That's why you feel so alone.
Libra - As I mentioned last week, until you prove to me that you're actually reading this, all I'm giving you is the poetry of spam. To wit: My Mancos she farrar be well Kalida. Office mate then decompose that millstone. Each Kannapolis it the links on laFeria it hilliards. Tunnel a Realistic but each neola, Go Kunia each miley my collbran this cannelbury. On fountainville, our lives dunellen. There's something magic in these words and I'm hoping to accidentally hit on the proper incantation that brings you back to us.
Scorpio - I wasn't too sure how to tell you what you need to know this week until I stumbled upon this. It is such a dark, yet hopeful, romantic, naive, and starkly lush riff on the nature of reality - internal, individual or imposed. It is the combination of this image with this text in this setting that gives it meaning. It illustrates the concept of subjective reality by forcing us to confront our own reaction to.....wait a gosh darn second, did I just hear you giggling? Did you actually snort? You know if you don't pay attention, you will soon discover that you wouldn't know a false reality if it smacked you in the face!
Sagittarius - When people want to tell you that something was difficult or arduous they often say things like "it was no picnic", "it was no walk in the park" or "it was no day at the beach". Well that's just great. Now you know that what ever they were up to did not involve dragging a wicker basket and/or cooler across a quarter acre of sun-scorched grass and dog poo in order to bake their skin in the sun while consuming a quart of sand with the chicken salad and using their teeth to strain mosquitoes out of the lemonade. We need a new yardstick for relaxation. There's nothing more banal than the meaningless.
Capricorn - We live in a world where it is never truly dark yet fear of the unknown is on the increase - exponentially! Do you sometimes wonder what it must have been like to live in a time when your activity was limited by the amount of available light? No? Well try it now. What if you could only supplement natural light with fire, oil lamps or candles? What if (gasp) all you had was sunlight? How would that effect the way you live your life? Are there things that you do now that you would do differently or not at all if you only had daylight hours in which to operate? Your penchant for ambient lighting may be blinding you to something obvious.
Aquarius - It's absolutely staggering to me how many people there are who believe that they know exactly how to save the world. Girl Scouts, comedians, Walt Disney, God and even inanimate objects - each holds a special key to rescuing mankind. What if one of them is right and has a plan that works? Suddenly everything that was defined as bad, never happens again; no wars, no hunger, no crushing poverty and illness; we achieve universal education and health care, along with complete separation of church and state - worldwide. Freedom, equality and an end to spiritual bankruptcy. Hey wait! Isn't that some sort of communism? Or is it anarchy?
Pisces - You feel as though you're walking on icing. If you eat too much icing you feel sick to your stomach. Armed with only Google and Todd's arcane mumblings about icing I sallied forth seeking inspiration for your horoscope this week. A direct hit on this gorgeous little blog and my theory of randomness is validated once again. Stop worrying about calories, nausea and slippery footing and remind yourself that icing is usually a good indicator of the presence of cake. And yes that means that you have to stop getting caught up in surface details because you're missing out on cake.
Sunday, May 27, 2007
Sunday, May 20, 2007
Blogoscopes May 21st to May 28th, 2007
Aries - Was there ever a time when you took a leap off the high diving board at your local pool and lost your swimsuit as you hit the deep end? Maybe people laughed and pointed or maybe no one noticed at all but you just wanted to sink to the bottom and stay there until everyone else was gone. Well dig out your snorkeling gear because you are about to get in over your head again - OR - didn't that naked kid in the swimming pool also pray for the courage to just walk out bare-assed and unembarassed in front of the world? This week as you stroll toward your nemesis H2O try a visualizing exercise that will have the hecklers too distracted to notice you. It will also remind you that everyone is imperfect. Oh and never swim without a buddy.
Taurus - If a picture is worth a thousand words, then I should just stop typing here and let you figure it out. I'm afraid that what I say will only confuse things so feel free to ignore me and just look at the pictures. If you're still reading then let me tell you that the party is over. There are still a few drunken guests scattered throughout the house, including your cousin's underage girlfriend, your neighbour's cockatoo and your ex, who is going through your medicine cabinet. As tempting as it is to just got to bed and ignore them all, you really have to sort them out and clean up before you can get any sleep. If you don't, they'll still be there in the morning and then they'll make you late for work.
Gemini - It's your birthday season and things are going so well for you that you won't even be offended by all the things I say about Gemini in this week's feature. Besides I got you a present.
Okay now as far as the week ahead goes, there are some dark things lurking in the corners of your mind; well every body's minds really but you may be more familiar with your demons than others are. Of course they're not much in evidence these days with the sun being so shiny in Gemini, but remember Sunnydale? How much easier would things have been for Buffy if every corpse was simply exposed to sunshine before it was buried. Be proactive and have a look under the beds and in the back of closets. Don't forget the basement. Believe me, recognizing and naming your horrors is half the battle.
Cancer - You currently seem to have the emotional maturity - read neediness - of a pre-pubescent girl. No longer a child but not quite a woman, you know the world could be a better place but your vision for making that happen involves unicorns, glitter and a lot of pale pink. Okay maybe I'm being a bit harsh - on pre-pubescent girls! What has gotten into you?
All this pouting, stamping your feet and flouncing out of rooms is most unbecoming and you're the only one who knows the reasons for your behaviour. You do know why your acting this way don't you? Relax, having breasts is not a bad thing.
Leo - Did you know that there is a Tug 0f War International Federation? Tug of war was once an Olympic sport (track and field) and there are apparently really complicated rules and procedures involved in putting two teams at opposite ends of a rope. There are dress codes and weight restrictions, rope specifications and venue criteria. Competitors are called pullers, naturally, (I defy you not to snicker); they belong to clubs, attend Annual General Meetings and offer guidance to younger pullers (smrnf!). In South Africa, serious medical research is being done on pulling. There is no time limit to a pull, but you'll be glad to hear that they usually last only a few minutes. You may be out of your weight class but you don't have much longer to hold on.
Virgo - One important aspect of being a Virgo is concern for diet and nutrition. Honest, it says so right here in my astrology book. This keeps you grounded healthy and strong while enabling another Virgo trait, which is to always lend a helping hand to those in need and to do so without ever actually getting sucked in to any of the icky bits; literally and figuratively, you feed people. And over the coming weeks, that's going to bug the shit out of you. I mean honestly can't these people ever learn to feed themselves? You showed them what they need to know why don't they get it? Alas, the sad and lonely lot of those few, those happy few, the proud, the discerning, the under-appreciated - ah to hell with the lesser folk, here's a toast to you.
Libra - I'm giving you a homework assignment. Fat chance that you'll do it because you are the least likely person I know to even read this column. Frankly I could pretty much write anything I want here for all the impact it has on you. The yourself lefors be heat grievance veranda his as inhibition. That's just some spam I got this week. A mansfield as ironsides her inlaton with hoodsport of derry between leeton. Hoodsport is kind of intriguing don't you think? Anyway, I'm going to do this every week until I hear back from you. Oh and I haven't forgotten your homework. All you have to do is watch a movie. At least check out the website. Come on, just click on the link and look at the picture....that's all I'm asking.
Scorpio - I'm dog-sitting with Grace this weekend. The last few times I've been here the weather has been vile, so we're really celebrating the sunshine with lots of walking. Grace is smart, funny, affectionate and a slave to the T-R-E-A-T. I bribe shamelessly and Grace has developed a system to calculate what she has to do to receive the maximum reward cookies during the course of the average stroll. This afternoon as we crossed to the park a police cruiser turned the corner from Queen onto Degrassi at high speed, lights and sirens flashing. It felt like a violation of the tranquility of this lovely street. Every human in sight stopped and stood staring after the car. Grace's eyes never left the treat pocket. Did I mention that she's a Scorpio?
Sagittarius - Have you ever been to Oklahoma? Did you know that Toby Keith is a brand? Do you even know who Toby Keith is? He's the latest cover boy for tourism in Oklahoma. And he sings. Keith Urban is another singer and he's also a brand although not as aggressively. Brian Keith, Keith Carradine, and Keith Clark (superman's younger brother?) are not brands. In fact I would be willing to bet that most of the Keiths in the world are not brands. Although my research would seem to indicate that you don't have to become a brand in order to evolve into a cliche, I imagine that it certainly greases the pole. The only advice I can give to you this week is "Don't be a Keith"
Capricorn- Spring has sprung. The loony bins seem to have flung open doors and sprung the residents. Vibrant and - we hope - one of a kind costumes appear on every second pedestrian you meet. Unusual modes of transportation cross our streets - frequently against traffic. Music is booming from cars, store fronts and shoulder borne boom boxes. Yes a lot of it is retro-trash, but some of the things you see are completely new and different. Closer to the spirit of the 60's than the 80's. I believe we should try our best to see, instead of crazy people, humans flowering, and every vernal moment must be viewed as a new (capital R) Renaissance. Give some thought to purchasing love beads.
Aquarius - All the astrological advice I've ever seen has insisted that Aquarians must work as part of a self-sacrificing team of humanitarians to find leading edge solutions to the problem of man's inhumanity to everything else on the face of the Earth. The combination of science, technology, new age vision and a brilliant mind will move Aquarius to the forefront of any effort to save mankind and change the world. Which of course leaves Aquarius with only two career options - Evil Despot or X-Men. Or maybe you should follow in Magneto's footsteps and use the X thing as a stepping stone to becoming Dark Lord. Ooh, and you'll find your trusted side kick/lackey through a reality show we'll call Evil Idol. See what can happen when you truly believe in your dreams?
Pisces - Now would be a good time for you to take up the practice of yoga. Avail yourself of the many physical and spiritual benefits it offers while you work to achieve balance and calm. Can Nirvana be far behind if you've mastered the downward dawg? Yes I said dawg and I meant dawg. It would be detrimental to your well being for you to take any of what is happening right now too seriously. Staying relaxed and flexible is the only thing that's going to keep you from snapping in the coming weeks. That's why the yoga is so good for you. It helps to keep you super bendy so that if you find you're chasing your own tail at least you won't sprain anything in the process. If you can keep your head from slipping up your own ass you'll be fine.
Taurus - If a picture is worth a thousand words, then I should just stop typing here and let you figure it out. I'm afraid that what I say will only confuse things so feel free to ignore me and just look at the pictures. If you're still reading then let me tell you that the party is over. There are still a few drunken guests scattered throughout the house, including your cousin's underage girlfriend, your neighbour's cockatoo and your ex, who is going through your medicine cabinet. As tempting as it is to just got to bed and ignore them all, you really have to sort them out and clean up before you can get any sleep. If you don't, they'll still be there in the morning and then they'll make you late for work.
Gemini - It's your birthday season and things are going so well for you that you won't even be offended by all the things I say about Gemini in this week's feature. Besides I got you a present.
Okay now as far as the week ahead goes, there are some dark things lurking in the corners of your mind; well every body's minds really but you may be more familiar with your demons than others are. Of course they're not much in evidence these days with the sun being so shiny in Gemini, but remember Sunnydale? How much easier would things have been for Buffy if every corpse was simply exposed to sunshine before it was buried. Be proactive and have a look under the beds and in the back of closets. Don't forget the basement. Believe me, recognizing and naming your horrors is half the battle.
Cancer - You currently seem to have the emotional maturity - read neediness - of a pre-pubescent girl. No longer a child but not quite a woman, you know the world could be a better place but your vision for making that happen involves unicorns, glitter and a lot of pale pink. Okay maybe I'm being a bit harsh - on pre-pubescent girls! What has gotten into you?
All this pouting, stamping your feet and flouncing out of rooms is most unbecoming and you're the only one who knows the reasons for your behaviour. You do know why your acting this way don't you? Relax, having breasts is not a bad thing.
Leo - Did you know that there is a Tug 0f War International Federation? Tug of war was once an Olympic sport (track and field) and there are apparently really complicated rules and procedures involved in putting two teams at opposite ends of a rope. There are dress codes and weight restrictions, rope specifications and venue criteria. Competitors are called pullers, naturally, (I defy you not to snicker); they belong to clubs, attend Annual General Meetings and offer guidance to younger pullers (smrnf!). In South Africa, serious medical research is being done on pulling. There is no time limit to a pull, but you'll be glad to hear that they usually last only a few minutes. You may be out of your weight class but you don't have much longer to hold on.
Virgo - One important aspect of being a Virgo is concern for diet and nutrition. Honest, it says so right here in my astrology book. This keeps you grounded healthy and strong while enabling another Virgo trait, which is to always lend a helping hand to those in need and to do so without ever actually getting sucked in to any of the icky bits; literally and figuratively, you feed people. And over the coming weeks, that's going to bug the shit out of you. I mean honestly can't these people ever learn to feed themselves? You showed them what they need to know why don't they get it? Alas, the sad and lonely lot of those few, those happy few, the proud, the discerning, the under-appreciated - ah to hell with the lesser folk, here's a toast to you.
Libra - I'm giving you a homework assignment. Fat chance that you'll do it because you are the least likely person I know to even read this column. Frankly I could pretty much write anything I want here for all the impact it has on you. The yourself lefors be heat grievance veranda his as inhibition. That's just some spam I got this week. A mansfield as ironsides her inlaton with hoodsport of derry between leeton. Hoodsport is kind of intriguing don't you think? Anyway, I'm going to do this every week until I hear back from you. Oh and I haven't forgotten your homework. All you have to do is watch a movie. At least check out the website. Come on, just click on the link and look at the picture....that's all I'm asking.
Scorpio - I'm dog-sitting with Grace this weekend. The last few times I've been here the weather has been vile, so we're really celebrating the sunshine with lots of walking. Grace is smart, funny, affectionate and a slave to the T-R-E-A-T. I bribe shamelessly and Grace has developed a system to calculate what she has to do to receive the maximum reward cookies during the course of the average stroll. This afternoon as we crossed to the park a police cruiser turned the corner from Queen onto Degrassi at high speed, lights and sirens flashing. It felt like a violation of the tranquility of this lovely street. Every human in sight stopped and stood staring after the car. Grace's eyes never left the treat pocket. Did I mention that she's a Scorpio?
Sagittarius - Have you ever been to Oklahoma? Did you know that Toby Keith is a brand? Do you even know who Toby Keith is? He's the latest cover boy for tourism in Oklahoma. And he sings. Keith Urban is another singer and he's also a brand although not as aggressively. Brian Keith, Keith Carradine, and Keith Clark (superman's younger brother?) are not brands. In fact I would be willing to bet that most of the Keiths in the world are not brands. Although my research would seem to indicate that you don't have to become a brand in order to evolve into a cliche, I imagine that it certainly greases the pole. The only advice I can give to you this week is "Don't be a Keith"
Capricorn- Spring has sprung. The loony bins seem to have flung open doors and sprung the residents. Vibrant and - we hope - one of a kind costumes appear on every second pedestrian you meet. Unusual modes of transportation cross our streets - frequently against traffic. Music is booming from cars, store fronts and shoulder borne boom boxes. Yes a lot of it is retro-trash, but some of the things you see are completely new and different. Closer to the spirit of the 60's than the 80's. I believe we should try our best to see, instead of crazy people, humans flowering, and every vernal moment must be viewed as a new (capital R) Renaissance. Give some thought to purchasing love beads.
Aquarius - All the astrological advice I've ever seen has insisted that Aquarians must work as part of a self-sacrificing team of humanitarians to find leading edge solutions to the problem of man's inhumanity to everything else on the face of the Earth. The combination of science, technology, new age vision and a brilliant mind will move Aquarius to the forefront of any effort to save mankind and change the world. Which of course leaves Aquarius with only two career options - Evil Despot or X-Men. Or maybe you should follow in Magneto's footsteps and use the X thing as a stepping stone to becoming Dark Lord. Ooh, and you'll find your trusted side kick/lackey through a reality show we'll call Evil Idol. See what can happen when you truly believe in your dreams?
Pisces - Now would be a good time for you to take up the practice of yoga. Avail yourself of the many physical and spiritual benefits it offers while you work to achieve balance and calm. Can Nirvana be far behind if you've mastered the downward dawg? Yes I said dawg and I meant dawg. It would be detrimental to your well being for you to take any of what is happening right now too seriously. Staying relaxed and flexible is the only thing that's going to keep you from snapping in the coming weeks. That's why the yoga is so good for you. It helps to keep you super bendy so that if you find you're chasing your own tail at least you won't sprain anything in the process. If you can keep your head from slipping up your own ass you'll be fine.
Sunday, May 13, 2007
Blogoscope Week of May 14th to May 21st, 2007
Aries - If we lived in another era I might suggest that you go hide away for the next little while and perfect the fine art of basket weaving, recognized the world over as a therapeutic supplement to electro-shock therapy. These days, depending on your socio-economic background you could end up in anything ranging from anger management classes to the penitentiary where you could perfect the fine art of making license plates supplemented by electro-plating. Instead I'm going ask you to perfect the fine art of creating something else altogether and if you so desire you can combine it with electro-boogie.
Taurus - I think I've found the ideal site for you. To begin with you are asked to make a choice - this serves to remind you that you have power in any given situation, plus it's good for you to practice choosing. After you make a selection, you get to live the same day over and over and over again, as often as you like at whatever pace you like, in any one of five different locations. You can visit all five, in any order you'd like, or you can visit just one as often as you'd like. Enjoy the sunrise for days on end or race around the clock - backwards! The only thing you can't do is change any of it because it has already happened.
Gemini - Yesterday I was riding the streetcar and was sitting across the aisle from a hygienically challenged individual who was having a loud conversation with someone unseen. Everyone in the car was agitated, myself included and not for the first time I wondered why. This person did not appear physically threatening or violent and the conversation was much like those of the cell phone users on board - conversations also held with persons invisible. Why does the former feel so threatening? When we react to these things who are we trying to silence and why?
Cancer - The world may start to look drastically different to you over the next several days. Sometimes, you can feel as though life is a long and confusingly realistic nightmare; that the people in this dream are strangers to you and; that you are beginning to question your own reality. Okay that's not a nightmare it's a Hitchcock movie. To avoid confusion in the future, keep an eye out for the pear shaped one . He'll pop up when you least expect it to remind you that nothing is going to harm you, that it's all in good fun, and that you shouldn't take yourself too seriously.
Leo - One of the best things about summer weather is that it encourages us to go swimming. The closest most of us will ever get to zero gravity is floating on our backs on a still body of warm water with the sun on our faces. Better yet is that disorientation when you've somersaulted into the dark water, or with your eyes closed and for one split second you can't tell if you're floating up or sinking down and all you can do is give yourself up to the water and hold your breath. The deeper the dive, the longer it will take you to surface.
Virgo - Are you familiar with the expression back to the drawing board? Don't get excited, work is fine, you've done a great job and nothing needs to be fixed, just chill a minute okay? What I want you to do is literally go back to the drawing board and have a little fun for a while. Doodle whatever you want, it doesn't matter how it looks, nobody will ever know it was you who drew it. And here's the best part - once you've submitted your art there's no way to get it back and "fix" it. It's gone and someone else is enjoying it in all it's splendid imperfection.
Libra - The winner in the category of mixed messages is the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty. It looks like a really good thing - self-esteem funds and awareness programs, commercials that urge us to see beauty in different shapes and different ages, and encouragement for young women and girls. Sure, it seems like they are creating a new paradigm for feminine beauty but in reality what they are telling us is that grey hair is okay as long as it's thick hair, and jiggly thighs are fine as long as your underarms are pretty. What?!? That's just silly right?
Scorpio - Here's a simple home improvement plan that will revolutionize your entire life! Build your own green screen! Can you imagine? It'll fit easily into your basement, and allow you to project yourself into any scenario you create without ever having to leave the house. A cheap web cam and a rented DVD or some free video from the library and you're slotted into the action. Kind of like the whole Celine/Elvis thing on American Idol only not so creepy. Right? You're not going to do anything creepy are you? Don't make me wish I'd kept this to myself.
Sagittarius - One of the best and the worst things that our mothers ever do to us is tell us that we can be and do anything we want. Well gee thanks a lot mom, now if only you knew what you wanted to be and do. It's a recognized fact that deciding what you want is the hardest part - or is it? Maybe the hard part is allowing yourself to want what you want, because we all know that what mom really meant was you can be anything you want as long as it's what's expected of you. This week do something for yourself and just for fun, make it something that starts with the letter M (for mom.)
Capricorn - It might be time for you to start making some notes for your autobiography. In years to come many will want to know about your early struggles, what your dreams were and how you strove to overcome obstacles and reach the pinnacle of success. I'm going to give you two tools to make this happen. The first is the place you put those notes. It'll help you recognize an event when it bites you in the ass. The second is the template for overcoming obstacles. It can be adapted to any situation and I recommend that you use it liberally.
Aquarius - I know I've said it before but it bears repeating that it is often very tricky for me to interpret the stars for my own sign. For instance this week it looks as though I'm going to decide to play nursemaid to a drunk. This is a not altogether unlikely scenario and I've been researching ideas on how to cope. Chances are that you will not be overwhelmed by solicitude for sots, but I will say that you are displaying an alarming tendency to want to fix things and I think you should relax, put your feet up and wait for these urges to pass. Have a few drinks while you're at it.
Pisces - I just finished reading the latest novel by one of my favourite authors Christopher Moore, and although none of them are reading the same book, many people around me are also reading Christopher Moore and loving him. His characters are eccentric but believable and he will make you laugh out loud. Now you're not going to have time to read one of his wonderfully quirky novels before the week begins tomorrow morning so let me give you a precis. Nothing is exactly what it seems - ever. Anything is possible - always.
Taurus - I think I've found the ideal site for you. To begin with you are asked to make a choice - this serves to remind you that you have power in any given situation, plus it's good for you to practice choosing. After you make a selection, you get to live the same day over and over and over again, as often as you like at whatever pace you like, in any one of five different locations. You can visit all five, in any order you'd like, or you can visit just one as often as you'd like. Enjoy the sunrise for days on end or race around the clock - backwards! The only thing you can't do is change any of it because it has already happened.
Gemini - Yesterday I was riding the streetcar and was sitting across the aisle from a hygienically challenged individual who was having a loud conversation with someone unseen. Everyone in the car was agitated, myself included and not for the first time I wondered why. This person did not appear physically threatening or violent and the conversation was much like those of the cell phone users on board - conversations also held with persons invisible. Why does the former feel so threatening? When we react to these things who are we trying to silence and why?
Cancer - The world may start to look drastically different to you over the next several days. Sometimes, you can feel as though life is a long and confusingly realistic nightmare; that the people in this dream are strangers to you and; that you are beginning to question your own reality. Okay that's not a nightmare it's a Hitchcock movie. To avoid confusion in the future, keep an eye out for the pear shaped one . He'll pop up when you least expect it to remind you that nothing is going to harm you, that it's all in good fun, and that you shouldn't take yourself too seriously.
Leo - One of the best things about summer weather is that it encourages us to go swimming. The closest most of us will ever get to zero gravity is floating on our backs on a still body of warm water with the sun on our faces. Better yet is that disorientation when you've somersaulted into the dark water, or with your eyes closed and for one split second you can't tell if you're floating up or sinking down and all you can do is give yourself up to the water and hold your breath. The deeper the dive, the longer it will take you to surface.
Virgo - Are you familiar with the expression back to the drawing board? Don't get excited, work is fine, you've done a great job and nothing needs to be fixed, just chill a minute okay? What I want you to do is literally go back to the drawing board and have a little fun for a while. Doodle whatever you want, it doesn't matter how it looks, nobody will ever know it was you who drew it. And here's the best part - once you've submitted your art there's no way to get it back and "fix" it. It's gone and someone else is enjoying it in all it's splendid imperfection.
Libra - The winner in the category of mixed messages is the Dove Campaign for Real Beauty. It looks like a really good thing - self-esteem funds and awareness programs, commercials that urge us to see beauty in different shapes and different ages, and encouragement for young women and girls. Sure, it seems like they are creating a new paradigm for feminine beauty but in reality what they are telling us is that grey hair is okay as long as it's thick hair, and jiggly thighs are fine as long as your underarms are pretty. What?!? That's just silly right?
Scorpio - Here's a simple home improvement plan that will revolutionize your entire life! Build your own green screen! Can you imagine? It'll fit easily into your basement, and allow you to project yourself into any scenario you create without ever having to leave the house. A cheap web cam and a rented DVD or some free video from the library and you're slotted into the action. Kind of like the whole Celine/Elvis thing on American Idol only not so creepy. Right? You're not going to do anything creepy are you? Don't make me wish I'd kept this to myself.
Sagittarius - One of the best and the worst things that our mothers ever do to us is tell us that we can be and do anything we want. Well gee thanks a lot mom, now if only you knew what you wanted to be and do. It's a recognized fact that deciding what you want is the hardest part - or is it? Maybe the hard part is allowing yourself to want what you want, because we all know that what mom really meant was you can be anything you want as long as it's what's expected of you. This week do something for yourself and just for fun, make it something that starts with the letter M (for mom.)
Capricorn - It might be time for you to start making some notes for your autobiography. In years to come many will want to know about your early struggles, what your dreams were and how you strove to overcome obstacles and reach the pinnacle of success. I'm going to give you two tools to make this happen. The first is the place you put those notes. It'll help you recognize an event when it bites you in the ass. The second is the template for overcoming obstacles. It can be adapted to any situation and I recommend that you use it liberally.
Aquarius - I know I've said it before but it bears repeating that it is often very tricky for me to interpret the stars for my own sign. For instance this week it looks as though I'm going to decide to play nursemaid to a drunk. This is a not altogether unlikely scenario and I've been researching ideas on how to cope. Chances are that you will not be overwhelmed by solicitude for sots, but I will say that you are displaying an alarming tendency to want to fix things and I think you should relax, put your feet up and wait for these urges to pass. Have a few drinks while you're at it.
Pisces - I just finished reading the latest novel by one of my favourite authors Christopher Moore, and although none of them are reading the same book, many people around me are also reading Christopher Moore and loving him. His characters are eccentric but believable and he will make you laugh out loud. Now you're not going to have time to read one of his wonderfully quirky novels before the week begins tomorrow morning so let me give you a precis. Nothing is exactly what it seems - ever. Anything is possible - always.
Sunday, May 06, 2007
Blogoscopes May 7th to May 14th 2007
Aries - Can you imagine how pissed off Shilpa Shetty must be at Richard Gere right now? Putting her on trial for obscenity seems like arresting a fire hydrant for allowing a dog to pee on it. If anybody should be pressing charges it's her. And Gere might as well start wearing a 'Ghandi is my Dude' t-shirt because it appears that his reverence for all things eastern is just a fashion statement. Any credibility he had is shot. Remember this if you find yourself in an alternate reality this week. No matter how friendly the surroundings, I advise you to take time to learn the customs, and hold off on spreading the gospel until after you've memorized the rule book.
Taurus - What do you think is really happening with Brangelina? Are they in love or on the rocks? It begins to look more and more as though their relationship is a publicity stunt, staged to let each of them acquire the offspring they desire. Angelina gets financial backing from Brad and by carrying his child, makes a public declaration of commitment that allows her to buy more babies. Brad gets the blond beauty he wanted and all it cost him was his take of Ocean's 13 and a few photo ops. The two of them are playing the press like a zither and their kids are doomed to live in Hollywood mythology. So apparently being rich, beautiful and blessed isn't what it's cracked up to be.
Gemini - My new idol is Amy Sedaris, and one of the things I like most about her is how parts of her remind me of parts of you. My favourite parts. The parts where you become famous in a way that is completely and uniquely your own and draws on your personal visions of a joyous life. The parts that are constantly blowing spitballs at the conventional, stepping on toes, crossing lines, asking questions, and surprising everybody with a direct approach to getting what you want. The parts that are so sparklingly genuine and original that everything you do shines. Now as far as the parts that self-medicate go, I'll leave you to pick your own poison.
Cancer - Although he might get by with a little help from his friends, it's pretty obvious that none of Joe Cocker's friends are plastic surgeons. But who cares, he still sounds like he was raised on bourbon and butterscotch and is still firmly ensconced in my list of the top two Sheffield rockers I want to have drinks with before I die. Jarvis Cocker (no relation) is the other one. Neither one is what you'd call a looker, but they're way more real and therefore way more sexy than many of their so-called good looking counter parts. If people love the genuine you, why would anyone settle for just being pretty?
Leo - It might not hurt to spend the next few days thinking of yourself as Britney Spears. You can pretend that all those love letters from fans are yours. Both of you have been going through a shit time and everybody has an opinion about you and what used to be solid and real is now brittle and receding. It's kind of like a water-slide. You feel as though you're getting knocked around a lot in a relentless downward spiral that is out of your control. Okay it's a rough ride but it's brief, ends in a pool of water and unlike Ms. Spears', your life is taking place in the real world. It's a dilemma, not a drama and if you keep that in mind it will all be fine.
Virgo - Someone like Lilly Allen really gives me hope for young women. Here's someone whose lyrics describe a very immediate interaction with her world, and who has the ability to share it with others frankly and fully. She's drinking too much, she's not happy on tour, and she's finding a mature and honest way to protect her self while still honouring her commitments. There is work ahead for both of you - for Lilly it's her second album, for you? who knows? Be prepared to have to fight to hang on to the shreds of your dreams, but remember that all it takes is a spark to ignite a forest fire.
Libra - Roger Waters spent years separated from the people with whom he made what is arguably some of his best work. And why did he do this? Artistic differences and creative control - the bain of every musical confabulation known to mankind. In a Pantheon that includes Lennon & McCartney, and Sonny & Cher, Waters' split with the rest of Pink Floyd was the one we were all certain would never be healed. It was like something out of a Dickens novel, replete with gentle satire, gritty realism, a cast of dozens and a propensity to marvelous synchronicities. And yet there was Live 8! Nothing has changed and yet everything is different
Scorpio - So now you've been Back to the Future - how did you like it? Maybe it felt more like Groundhog Day to you, but either way Buckaroo Bonzai is right when he says that no matter where you go, there you are. Ah hell lets go right to the top and talk Doctor Who. Can you pretend your Christopher Ecclestone for the rest of this scope? Great, now the point is that you appear to be unaware that you are a time lord which means you should be able to slow things down now, before things end in yet another train wreck. Copy these words on to a post-it note, stick them in your wallet and read this if there is ever a next time around. So that'll be like, let's hope never.
Sagittarius - Any retrospective you see of the 1969 moon landing as good as states that Buzz Aldrin lost out to Neil Armstrong to be the first man to walk on the moon. If I was Neil I would have insisted on drawing straws, or rock paper scissors, or best out of three. Aldrin was probably relieved. Michael Collins dodged a bullet. I can't imagine volunteering for this job. Now you, as courageous as you are and as 'out there' as you can be, you still like to know that there is solid ground beneath your feet. Elementally you need both air and fuel to burn as brightly as you do. Both are in short supply on the moon. So you better get the best astronaut suit you can afford and get ready.
Capricorn - No good deed goes unpunished. Apparently a quote from Clare Booth Luce although I'm not sure exactly what part of her fairy tale life inspired it. Escapes with her daughter from an abusive marriage and divorces in 1929 - a time when divorcee and whore were pretty much interchangeable words. Becomes a successful career woman in several chosen fields. Marries her soul mate and has a long life highlighted by respect for her work in all areas. If they made a movie of her life Nicole Kidman would play her. Who would play you?
Aquarius - Have you ever imagined yourself as the word's best cricket player? I don't know who James Anderson is but alphabetically he's the first famous cricket player who comes up when you Google. Cricket is the perfect game for you. No one ever understands all the rules; it's prettier than baseball; it is the national sport of the colonized. This week you should think of taking up hang-gliding - it's even prettier than cricket, leaves more room for individuality and there's a lot of room yet for people to get famous at it.
Pisces - John Travolta recently had a near miss with a plane crash and if there really is a God/ess, that was his/her way of saying wake up! Look in the mirror! Which of course is not how he'll translate it but to each his own. Your own avian tragi-comedy bears more resemblance to Lost and the possibilities of where your plot goes from here are nearly endless. If you don't already have a website maybe you should think about it and if you have a website but no blog, then get one of those. Just make sure you balance your time. You can't spend it all trying to make contact with the outside world, there are huts to build and wild boars to slaughter.
Taurus - What do you think is really happening with Brangelina? Are they in love or on the rocks? It begins to look more and more as though their relationship is a publicity stunt, staged to let each of them acquire the offspring they desire. Angelina gets financial backing from Brad and by carrying his child, makes a public declaration of commitment that allows her to buy more babies. Brad gets the blond beauty he wanted and all it cost him was his take of Ocean's 13 and a few photo ops. The two of them are playing the press like a zither and their kids are doomed to live in Hollywood mythology. So apparently being rich, beautiful and blessed isn't what it's cracked up to be.
Gemini - My new idol is Amy Sedaris, and one of the things I like most about her is how parts of her remind me of parts of you. My favourite parts. The parts where you become famous in a way that is completely and uniquely your own and draws on your personal visions of a joyous life. The parts that are constantly blowing spitballs at the conventional, stepping on toes, crossing lines, asking questions, and surprising everybody with a direct approach to getting what you want. The parts that are so sparklingly genuine and original that everything you do shines. Now as far as the parts that self-medicate go, I'll leave you to pick your own poison.
Cancer - Although he might get by with a little help from his friends, it's pretty obvious that none of Joe Cocker's friends are plastic surgeons. But who cares, he still sounds like he was raised on bourbon and butterscotch and is still firmly ensconced in my list of the top two Sheffield rockers I want to have drinks with before I die. Jarvis Cocker (no relation) is the other one. Neither one is what you'd call a looker, but they're way more real and therefore way more sexy than many of their so-called good looking counter parts. If people love the genuine you, why would anyone settle for just being pretty?
Leo - It might not hurt to spend the next few days thinking of yourself as Britney Spears. You can pretend that all those love letters from fans are yours. Both of you have been going through a shit time and everybody has an opinion about you and what used to be solid and real is now brittle and receding. It's kind of like a water-slide. You feel as though you're getting knocked around a lot in a relentless downward spiral that is out of your control. Okay it's a rough ride but it's brief, ends in a pool of water and unlike Ms. Spears', your life is taking place in the real world. It's a dilemma, not a drama and if you keep that in mind it will all be fine.
Virgo - Someone like Lilly Allen really gives me hope for young women. Here's someone whose lyrics describe a very immediate interaction with her world, and who has the ability to share it with others frankly and fully. She's drinking too much, she's not happy on tour, and she's finding a mature and honest way to protect her self while still honouring her commitments. There is work ahead for both of you - for Lilly it's her second album, for you? who knows? Be prepared to have to fight to hang on to the shreds of your dreams, but remember that all it takes is a spark to ignite a forest fire.
Libra - Roger Waters spent years separated from the people with whom he made what is arguably some of his best work. And why did he do this? Artistic differences and creative control - the bain of every musical confabulation known to mankind. In a Pantheon that includes Lennon & McCartney, and Sonny & Cher, Waters' split with the rest of Pink Floyd was the one we were all certain would never be healed. It was like something out of a Dickens novel, replete with gentle satire, gritty realism, a cast of dozens and a propensity to marvelous synchronicities. And yet there was Live 8! Nothing has changed and yet everything is different
Scorpio - So now you've been Back to the Future - how did you like it? Maybe it felt more like Groundhog Day to you, but either way Buckaroo Bonzai is right when he says that no matter where you go, there you are. Ah hell lets go right to the top and talk Doctor Who. Can you pretend your Christopher Ecclestone for the rest of this scope? Great, now the point is that you appear to be unaware that you are a time lord which means you should be able to slow things down now, before things end in yet another train wreck. Copy these words on to a post-it note, stick them in your wallet and read this if there is ever a next time around. So that'll be like, let's hope never.
Sagittarius - Any retrospective you see of the 1969 moon landing as good as states that Buzz Aldrin lost out to Neil Armstrong to be the first man to walk on the moon. If I was Neil I would have insisted on drawing straws, or rock paper scissors, or best out of three. Aldrin was probably relieved. Michael Collins dodged a bullet. I can't imagine volunteering for this job. Now you, as courageous as you are and as 'out there' as you can be, you still like to know that there is solid ground beneath your feet. Elementally you need both air and fuel to burn as brightly as you do. Both are in short supply on the moon. So you better get the best astronaut suit you can afford and get ready.
Capricorn - No good deed goes unpunished. Apparently a quote from Clare Booth Luce although I'm not sure exactly what part of her fairy tale life inspired it. Escapes with her daughter from an abusive marriage and divorces in 1929 - a time when divorcee and whore were pretty much interchangeable words. Becomes a successful career woman in several chosen fields. Marries her soul mate and has a long life highlighted by respect for her work in all areas. If they made a movie of her life Nicole Kidman would play her. Who would play you?
Aquarius - Have you ever imagined yourself as the word's best cricket player? I don't know who James Anderson is but alphabetically he's the first famous cricket player who comes up when you Google. Cricket is the perfect game for you. No one ever understands all the rules; it's prettier than baseball; it is the national sport of the colonized. This week you should think of taking up hang-gliding - it's even prettier than cricket, leaves more room for individuality and there's a lot of room yet for people to get famous at it.
Pisces - John Travolta recently had a near miss with a plane crash and if there really is a God/ess, that was his/her way of saying wake up! Look in the mirror! Which of course is not how he'll translate it but to each his own. Your own avian tragi-comedy bears more resemblance to Lost and the possibilities of where your plot goes from here are nearly endless. If you don't already have a website maybe you should think about it and if you have a website but no blog, then get one of those. Just make sure you balance your time. You can't spend it all trying to make contact with the outside world, there are huts to build and wild boars to slaughter.
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