Blogoscopes Week of January 5 to 12, 2009

Aries - I highly recommend that you start locking your bedroom door at night - oh and sleep alone. How long you need to do this depends on whether or not you're a morning person. The bellhop of life is coming to knock you up - as they say - and it's down to you whether he gets a kiss or a shiner.

Taurus - An out of body experience lets you go anywhere and see everything. You should use this one to stay where you are and watch your own life. Treat it like an experiment if you must, but focus on every single feeling you have. Forget consequences, think now and ask yourself why you make the choices you do.

Gemini - It's time to paint the kitchen. I know, the kitchen does not need re-painting, and yet it must be painted. You will have to do all that patching, sanding, taping and priming and a perfect job is expected of you. Sound boring? What if you painted stripes of orange green and purple? Would you like that?

Cancer - Those weren't really lies you told, they were stories, and a good narration has to go where the plot beckons. That being said, you didn't exactly start out with a disclaimer did you? How you get out of this depends on how many people believed you when you said you used to date Paris Hilton's maid. As if!

Leo - Yippee! 2009 is here! This is the year you say thanks for all the help and support you've been getting and throw a big celebration to honour your loved ones. Please do not make it a surprise party - you'll be the astonished one; and try to keep it simple. No more than three marching bands in the kitchen at one time.

Virgo - Whoa, somebody had too much sugar over the holidays. This zeal for action can lead to overdoing it on multiple levels all at the same time. Take care lest you pass out while jumping on the bed shouting obscenities while laughing maniacally. Use that energy to clean out your closets instead.

Libra - Now that you've ordered that pizza you should invite some people over to help you eat it. A large cheesy pie and a cold six-pack shared with friends sounds like a nice idea doesn't it? You don't want to have to eat and drink that all by yourself do you? Besides, they might help pay for it.

Scorpio - Gimme an S, gimme a C, gimme an...oh hell you get the picture. And so will everybody else if you put all of your energy into communicating it. A catchy rhyme and a good beat wouldn't hurt either. Just remember that you are a one person pep squad so don't be attempting any pyramids.

Sagittarius - If I said "second star to the right and straight on till morning" would you know what I meant? What if I sprinkled some fairy dust on you and said it again? Okay it's from Peter Pan and I'm telling you that in the days to come an open mind and a close friend can really make things take off!

Capricorn - Have you ever thought about attending clown school? Big shoes, loud pants, painted faces and crazy noise makers - sounds like fun doesn't it? Would you be happier if I reminded you that clowns can also say and do whatever they want with impunity. Here's your chance to tweak a nose or two.

Aquarius - You're standing there being cool and eccentric, letting people admire you, and you suddenly see something shiny and round roll to a stop at your feet. Is it a ball or a bomb? Is it for you or someone else? Do you want it or not? Better make up your mind before your back seizes up and you can't bend down to get it.

Pisces - The beautician gave you the wrong cream and instead of flawless skin, you are now sporting the pimple that ate New York. You can handle this in one of two ways: crawl into bed and avoid everyone until the redness and swelling subside or; grab your soap box and tell the world about the evils of cosmetics.