Sunday, March 29, 2009

Aries - Science now thinks that the series of people who were the voice of the Oracle at Delphi were probably high on methane fumes leaking from the earth. What in ancient times was revered as the voice of the gods was actually the stoned ramblings of a fallible human being. Oops! So, all this stuff you're telling everybody....is it actually divine inspiration or should you be using your inside voice?

Taurus - You are an all or nothing kind of person and you rarely do anything in half measures. At the moment you appear to be stuck exactly half way to some exquisite horizon that only you can see....and it's driving you nuts! Is it possible that you need glasses, because from here, it looks as though you're aiming at 5 widely divergent targets, not one. By all means continue to strive toward all 5, but could you consider cutting back to 3 at a time?

Gemini - Have you ever been shot out of a cannon? Sure, there are dangers in attempting it but nothing ventured nothing gained and you should consider trying it at least once. There will be those among your acquaintance who will try to talk you out of this. Listen carefully to their reasoning and then present them with your own. Then listen again. You should find that they'll not only be on board with it, they'll supply your safety net.

Cancer - So you're finding yourself bursting into anguished tears, uncontrolled laughter and exuberant flatulence and have absolutely no idea where all of this is coming from. It's only human to be embarrassed by these startling public eruptions and to rush to defend or excuse them, but that may not be your best course of action right now. Just accept that these things happen and in private sit down for a serious tete-a-tete with those emotions of yours.

Leo - Until further notice, the Gypsy will assume that you have been kidnapped by alien beings and are currently undergoing some rigorous - though pleasant - training by a race light years superior to our own. Some of you feel this is the reason you were born. Some of you want out right now. For those of you in the second group help is available. Blink once for yes and twice for no.

Virgo - We're all in agreement that the world would be a much better place if the sky were an unusual shade of lilac filled with green clouds; if rain was fuchsia and snow was orange; if grass were red and trees were blue - or whatever it is that these things look like through your eyes. The sad fact is that they're not. You might want to consider inventing glasses that will let the rest of us share your vision. Until then you will have to paint word pictures.

Libra - There are three rules to successful steering of any type of vehicle - bicycle, car, 747. One - keep a light but firm grasp on the wheel; two - don't slew the wheel from side to side, try to maintain a steady course; and three - never ever let anyone else gain control of the wheel - power struggles equal crashes. However, don't be afraid to follow directions - a good navigator is worth their weight in gold, and a good navigator also won't drive you into a tree.

Scorpio - You should be in understudy mode - the leading role is not yours but you need to be learning all the moves, memorizing the lines and rehearsing your blocking as if it were going to be your name that goes up in lights. You might never get called upon. The lead in this play might not break an ankle, not lose their voice or not get a last minute offer from Hollywood. You might not have to be ready, but you should always look as though you are.

Sagittarius - The best advice for you this week Sagittarius, is don't party with newbies. You are in the zone, ready to go, know what you want and want to have the maximum amount of fun getting it. The last thing in the world you need is to be tripping over a bunch of clueless klutzes. If you do encounter neophytes, the worst that can happen is that you'll have to ask them politely to get out of your way, but still, sheesh, buzz kill!

Capricorn - If someone thinks you're crazy, how do you convince them otherwise without looking even crazier than they already think you are? Experience has taught you to be prepared with a detailed and reasoned defense of everything you do....which, when you come to think about it is a little bit crazy, no? But honestly, who cares if people think you're crazy? Practice saying "not me" over and over, but quietly in case someone hears and thinks you're crazy.

Aquarius - Your mind is like an alcoholic lapidary - it is a sharp and incisive tool but it can sometimes be a little shaky on the details. Focus for a while and you will find yourself with a crick in your neck and no clear memory of what you're trying to achieve. Two things to keep in mind here - one is that you must only concentrate on the things you truly love, and two, get up and stretch your legs from time to time.

Pisces - If you can't be in The Grand Bazaar now, at least make the effort to go shopping. Oh sure, times are tight, money is tighter and you don't really need anything anyway - BUT - if you were to happen to find yourself in the market place you might just discover a real steal on something that you have always dreamed of having, or you might be offered a good price for that white elephant you've been toting around. The name of the game is haggle.

Saturday, March 21, 2009

Blogoscopes Week of March 23 to 30, 2009

Aries - You are generally intelligent and inquisitive, moving head first into life but there's that one little area where you go to play three wise monkeys. You've been kidding yourself that if you don't see it, hear it or speak about it that it will go away. It won't. In fact, three monkeys become one elephant inthe room. The more you talk about it the better it will get. Can't tell anyone about it? Talk to your own reflection - the effect will be the same.

Taurus – The gods are calling upon you to honour the spring equinox with a sacrificial rite. Relax; it’s not as horrible as it sounds. You need a bit of spiritual retreat right now – time to go through all of your old thoughts and ideas and throw out the ones that no longer fit you. Take time to do this mindfully but don’t dawdle. You will soon see that there is space for some brand spanking shiny new ideas to move in.

Gemini – You are admirably suited to being a modern day soap-box orator. Which begs the question ‘what is a soap box and what can I use instead’? Obviously you need to find a modern equivalent; something to lift you above the masses so that your message can be heard by all. It could be a milk crate, footstool or even really high heels, but whatever you choose should be sturdy, you may be standing on it for a while.

Cancer - You’re just about the only person I know who could go to a really great party and have a good time curled up in a corner talking to no one; which is exactly what you seem to be doing now. For the moment, your fellow celebrants are too busy to notice that you’re sitting this one out. Soon however, you will have to find some method of convincing all that you really are enjoying yourself – or you could pretend to pass out. That’ll get them off your back.

Leo – Are you feeling lucky? You should be. This is the week that all your ships come in, your eggs hatch and dreams come true. Even better, you currently have the ability to multiply whatever good fortune comes your way and to use it in a way that provides you with inner peace and does some pretty special stuff for the rest of your world as well. I’m not saying you’re Mother Theresa, or Bono, but your good intentions will pay off.

Virgo - You are poised at the top of an impressive staircase. The Rest of The World is at the bottom of the staircase watching your slo-mo descent. Shit, it's that dream again - the one where you're naked and you're supposed to be addressing the nation right now. Don't panic! You have choices. You are in control of your dreams. So, you can wake yourself up or you can give that speech in your birthday suit. Up to you. Whichever way you pick, give it some welly.

Libra - This column may have recently compared you to an amnesia victim, but I forget. Amnesia is a tried and true plot line of every long running television drama, soap opera or murder series. Whether in spite of this or because of it, most people don't realize how incredibly difficult amnesia is to fake. Which is great because you don't have many people to fool so the odds that it will work are skyrocketing. Your success is guaranteed.

Scorpio - Phillipe Petit, the man in "Man on Wire" is your inspiration for the week. Not that illegal activities and death defying performances should be your goal, but you shouldn't be afraid to show off a little bit as long as you can back up the swagger. Imagine what it would feel like to be standing 1350 feet above the ground and you're about to step out on to a wire. You should feel exhilarated enough to pull off a real showstopper. We're all holding out breath.

Sagittarius - The force is strong in this one Obi Wan. You have mastered the age old Jedi mind trick and are really having fun getting everybody to agree with you. However, this is not the way of the Jedi and you are in serious danger of finding yourself on the dark side. Sure it sounds sexy(black capes and jack boots)but you would soon discover that evil unopposed get's really boring. Dust off your light sabre and prepare to defend your ideas for a change.

Capricorn - Hey twinkle toes watch where you're walking! It doesn't matter that you didn't mean to hurt anyone, it's always the not meaning that hurts. Somewhere along the line you've done something glib, overlooked a reaction, given someone short shrift....things that would drive you crazy if the dance shoe was on the other foot. Stop for a moment right now and make the time to bring your people up to speed. They'll be much more help when they know what's going on.

Aquarius - Speaking of breathtaking, did you see the photos of the volcanic eruption near Tonga? Tectonic plates are shifting and what is happening is literally the birth of an island. Did you know that this is how Iceland formed? It's your creative visualization for the week. Recent disturbances have produced the material for some new land mass in your life. Fortunately unlike Tonga you are not threatened by a Tsunami. You might feel a bit weepy though.

Pisces - Holy shit the voices are really loud right now! And they're arguing. Which is good because it means that you're still nominally in control. A house divided and all that....just hang on for a bit longer, keep doing what you're doing and the demons will destroy each other. How long is longer? A month. What is it that you're doing? Working. Keep going; turn on the auto-pilot if you must. If you let it, work can create a sort of zen space for you right now.

Saturday, March 14, 2009

Blogoscopes Week of March 16 to 23, 2009

Aries - Holy shit people don't want much do they? Everything would be so great if they would just either get with the program or get out of your way. You wish they'd leave you alone and let you get on with it. This is a problem because right now you need those people the way chocolate needs peanut butter. They're the gooey bit that fills up all your empty spaces. Crunchy or smoothie you gotta love them.

Taurus - You're feeling all right just now. You got through that last bit - it was a good bit but stressful. You're sure there's more to come - you can almost hear the distant shouting - but you are determined to survive the next bit as well. Oh for heaven sake of course you'll survive it, it's just a bit of time management. Sometimes you need to not burn your bridges before you cross them.

Gemini - Every home should have a holy fool. An individual who is there when needed to point out the elephant in the room, and do it in a way that makes everyone laugh and feel better about living with an elephant. It won't make the elephant go away, but at least once everyone has acknowledged it you can get on with cleaning up all the pachyderm poop. Oh hey, what if your fool was also your cleaning lady?

Cancer - If you were a character on Lost you would be Jack. You're feeling confident, making solid decisions, and managing to convince those around you that there is hope and you do know what you're doing. Excellent, now relax, because this is the episode where you find out that there's a ship on the way, the pretty girl loves you and Sawyer is gay! Everything else was just a dream.

Leo - If cats could use can openers the human race would be doomed. Which is one way of saying that the rest of the world has caught on to your tricks. If you're rubbing around their ankles, it most likely means that you want something. Hark! The tsk of indignant Leos everywhere. Don't be coy, you know it's true. You should consider learning how to use a can opener. That's a metaphor.

Virgo - Somebody has been drawing lines in the sand and daring you to cross them. You don't know whether to take that dare or to draw your own line and demand some stepping. I don't see a win for you in either scenario. Why not try this instead: draw a huge wiggly amoeba in the sand - take your time, sing and dance as you do this. When it's finished, ask everybody including you to step inside it.

Libra - Have you ever wondered if maybe fish aren't the mindless salad ingredients we think they are? They are exotic enough to be aliens. There are enough of them to field a sizeable army. Is it possible that dolphins are actually controlled by fish in their search to conquer the world? Oh of course not, that's utter nonsense. Stop thinking these things immediately. On the other hand chickens might.....

Scorpio - When you were little you had a super hero costume. It didn't have tights and a cape. It didn't afford you any super powers. It did look like your everyday clothes and it did allow you to protect everybody you love. Actually sweetie it didn't and it still doesn't. In fact it barely protects your butt anymore. It's time to forget heroing and fully assume your secret identity.

Sagittarius - Not that there's anything wrong with your bladder, but if there were how would you let people know that you were in pain and didn't want to be touched? You could explain to others how you feel and tell them how you'd like to be treated. You wear a t-shirt that reads Renal Retentive. Or you could grab your crotch, cross your legs and bob up and down. Obviously communication is key.

Capricorn - If took last week's advice, right about now you're checking your speech notes, ready to debut the "BIG PLAN" to your nearest and dearest. Don't panic if they don't receive your ideas in quite the spirit you had hoped they would. Honestly some of them will get nasty. That's their thing - your thing is to realize that this is only a first draft. Don't scrap it, just edit.

Aquarius - This would be a good time for you to join a club. Sure you need lots of alone time but you're a social creature so act like one. What kind of club should you join? How about an association of individuals who enjoy the same things you do; who like to relax and laugh a bit and who really really want you to be happy. What is this organization? It's your fan club. Sign up now!

Pisces -

Sunday, March 08, 2009

Blogoscopes Week of March 9 to 16, 2009

Aries - There's nothing like a little time travel to broaden the mind although why you've chosen to revisit the 60's is anyone's guess. Oh sure you want to do something meaningful with your life, you want to save the world, we all get that, but you would be well advised to find a different vernacular and stop talking like a doped out reject from Haight-Ashbury.

Taurus - You overhear a thoughtless and cruel remark this week and instantly leap to confound and belittle the speaker in a dazzling display of rhetoric amd moral superiority. You've misconstrued the use of the word huge and mistakenly taken it personally but as luck would have it you realize this just as the elevator doors close. With luck anyone who witnessed it will just think you're crazy.

Gemini - You've tried to leave this movie theatre several times now and each time you stand up someone shouts you back into your seat. For heaven's sake they're only watching the trailers, what in the world would you be spoiling for them if you walked out now? Nothing. If you want to leave, then leave. But, if their good will means anything to you then just relax and wait it out.

Cancer - Are people stranger in the summer than they are in the winter? Not likely, but in the winter they're crazy at home where they won't bother anyone. Once the weather warms up they all come out of doors and act weird in front of the whole world. Perfect tine to test-drive your new attitude. If it doesn't workout right away, no one will notice amidst the chaos. Dementia could be the new black.

Leo - Did you ever hear the joke about the guy who dreamed he was eating a giant marshmallow and woke up to find his pillow was gone? Pay attention and keep this in mind as you fall asleep because you've recently developed a love for soft sweet things and if you were to have a similar dream you might wake up to discover your pillow, your duvet and your entire mattress have been eaten.

Virgo - You should consider moving all of your furniture to the centre of each room in your house. Shift it all - bookcases away from the walls, sofas in a heap, store some of it the basement or garage if you can but clear a pathway for yourself to be able to freely wander about your home waving your hands inthe air and shouting. No nothing is wrong, it will just feel really good to do this.

Libra - If you were the white rabbit from Alice in Wonderland, you would never arrive anywhere on time. This would have absolutely nothing to do with your conscientousnous, your organizational skills or your memory. It would have more to do with the fact that every time you hear yourself singing "I'm late, I'm late, for a very important date...." you have to stop to try and remember the rest of the lyric.

Scorpio - All that you need to know this week is that you should watch "Life of Brian". Not the whole thing, just the last bit really. The crucifixion scene with everyone singing "Always Look On The Bright Side of Life". Watch it over and over and over. Dance to it. Do this everytime you feel the need to examine your life in depth. Believe me, it can wait.

Sagittarius - You have crossed the burning desert, you have swum the widest river, you have climbed to the top of the tallest mountain and you have seen your guru. He asked you if you wanted to smoke some sort of pipe and you wisely decided that you wouldn't so you left and came back home where you quietly went about doing the day to day things that have actual value and meaning.

Capricorn - Your relationship with paper is about to vastly improve. It's possible that you didn't realize how bad things have gotten, but paper has begun to feel that the two of you have a problematic, even antagonistic connection. Paper is prepared to take the first step on the road to conciliation, but you have to meet it half way. This week don't talk, write everything you want to say. Everything!

Aquarius - You have a job to be done this week and you need everyone to cooperate with you. Which they won't do if you don't take a moment to stop and explain to them what it is you're hoping to accomplish and how you would like them to help. None of them can read your mind and with your mouth full of chocolate cake they can barely understand a word you say.

Pisces - You bought the world's biggest pair of invisible headphones and they are doing an incredible job of blocking out all the annoying sounds from the world around you. Which is of course making it easy for you to ignore all the moaning and whining but means that you're missing a genuine request from a sane person who really needs your help.