Blogoscopes April 9th to April 16th, 2007

Aries - With a nod to Alan Funt, when you least expect it, you're elected, it's your lucky day, SMILE! A fierce smile so that the freaks on the subway will stop staring at you. Now, when I say freaks I mean the clean, sane, sober well-dressed oglers who seem to want to get to know you. And by clean, sane, sober and well-dressed I mean all those people you used to think were boring. If one of them follows you off the train, make a date for coffee. Make it decaf.

Taurus - Do you really want to get all of your friends involved in a pyramid scheme? Okay, okay, distribution network (insert own air quotes). Even if the this whole thing were legal and/or based on holy granola, it would be a really bad idea. There's a difference between standing on the shoulders of giants and stepping on every body's toes. Plus, there are far faster and more efficient ways to piss off everyone you know.

Gemini - This week you get your letter of acceptance and billion dollar scholarship to Mascot University-College of Kindness (MUCK) where you plan to pursue a major in Warm Fuzzies with minor in Infectious Giggles. The following day, Hollywood calls. It's always a tough decision when you have to choose between the opportunity to do something you've worked hard for all of your life and the opportunity to do something that's a sheer fluke. Who knew Hollywood had your number?

Cancer - You know Lewis Carroll was really a pioneering spirit. He foresaw the day when we would all become enthralled followers of his vision of the ideal pre-adolescent girl. Need I point out the religious overtones of the 'tonic' and mushroom that Alice imbibes to control her size? And don't even get me started on the whole underworld theme. It just has meaning on so many levels doesn't it? Still want to follow that rabbit?

Leo - You have a really great sense of personal style. You know how to play to your strengths and never make the mistake of gilding the lily. That's why I really want you to stop and think twice about cutting your own hair. You may feel you've re-defined coiffure; you may view it as a manifestation of your creativity; the rest of the world would like to see an artist's statement so we have some idea of what exactly it is that you're trying to express.

Virgo - Make time this week to begin renovating your happy place. You haven't been there in a while and it's starting to show the signs of neglect. Spring is a good time to get a jump on this chore so make yourself a check list: touch up exterior paint - check: secure all borders and feed livestock - check: wake all the sycophants and give them a raise - check. You are going to want this place ship-shape and ready for occupancy sooner than you'd think.

Libra - I have a surefire money making idea for you. Give some thought to a patent on your very own happy pill. It doesn't actually have to be a pill, nor does it have to be injected, ingested or inhaled. It may have just one ingredient or it may have many. You could work on a molecular level or theoretical; minuscule or massive. Gather everything together and make a prototype to show to the Patent Issuing Office. Better yet, make two and pop one yourself.

Scorpio - It's almost time for you to flip over, you're nearly done to a turn: sizzlin', smokin' crispy and hot! You will, however, be hanging fire for a while longer so just keep that rotisserie spinning. What you want is a nice even application of heat so that you get a nice even amount of done-ness. Which means that you will achieve an unprecedented level of golden uniformity and dazzle on-lookers all summer.

Sagittarius - This is not the best time for you to put forward an application to join a group that requires you to take an evaluation. Not that anybody could think you were lacking in anything, but your calm self-assurance and obvious superiority can sometimes annoy lesser beings. You could get the brunt of a whole bushel of passive aggressive, so why don't you just stand back and smirk knowingly. And really, a job interview? You're just showing off.

Capricorn - Have you considered getting an anchor tattooed on your forearm? Maybe not, but you could benefit from emulating Popeye this week. Popeye is a man who knows and accepts his strengths and his weaknesses. Don't get me wrong, this is not about limitations, it's about focus. You're getting carried away trying to be something you're not and that can only lead to trouble. Remember who you really are and repeat after me "I yam what I yam".

Aquarius - They say that you can't win if you don't play, so from here on in you better make sure you came to play, know what I mean? Nudge, nudge, say no more eh? Nod is as good as a wink if you catch my drift what? So give it your best shot, place your bets, put it all on the line. Just a cautionary word in the middle of all this bonhomie, if you're playing with someone else's money you better win, otherwise they call it theft.

Pisces - I'm giving you a magic word this week - polyphony. Use it when you need to feel heard. You will instantly be granted the ability to communicate effectively in any language and you will be audible over all the environmental sounds associated with modern living. Your message will come through loud and clear. You know what else works? Talk like a zombie all croaky and dead and let your eyes roll back in your head. People tend to notice that stuff.