Aries - You might not feel like the most social creature this December. You're like a backwards bear stumbling out from hibernation just in time to watch everyone you know slip into dream land. Perfect timing; here is your opportunity to tell everybody just exactly what you think of them with no fear of being interrupted or contradicted. They're asleep, not dead: parts of what you say will sink in. You can't control which parts, so speak clearly, but speak carefully.
Taurus - In the immortal words of Harry Nilsson, everybody's talking at you, but you don't hear a word they're saying. Obviously they're not hearing you either. That's a shame. You have something important to tell them. My best advice is to stop talking. They won't buy what you're peddling until you understand why they think they don't want it. You can easily overcome any and all objections, but only if you know what they are. And if you don't shout.
Gemini - I can't say for certain, but I imagine that the floor of the Grand Canyon is not a terrific place for cell phone reception. I've never seen Mr. Can-you-hear-me-now down there have you? Which means that you're going to have to find some other means of conversing with those gawkers on the canyon rim. A go-between might be your best bet. Slow for sure but probably the only way you'll get your point across. Unless you can yodel in code.
Cancer - There are times when the only way to make people understand just how upset and frustrated you are is to thrash about on the ground, kicking and screaming and pummelling the earth with your fists. Then there are times when you should just slip away quietly with a close friend and confidante and tell them how you're feeling. Either one will have the desired result, I guess your choice depends on whether you can stand being called a big baby for the rest of your life.
Leo - You got so excited when your team won that you enthusiastically kissed a stranger at the end of play. And now you will never hear the end of it. Everybody is going on and on about what you did and how it made them feel and while you'd really like to help them feel better about it you don't know how. Do not under any circumstances try to talk yourself out of this. The problem is theirs not yours.
Put on your headphones and wait it out. They'll stop eventually.
Virgo - Check the fine print before you sign up for another one of these things will you? A dude ranch cattle drive may sound like fun at first, but you have to travel with the group and they don't always do things right. There is one way and one way only for you to turn this excursion into something that works for you, and that's to take over the leadership. Do your research, sell them on the highlights and be kind to everybody. You don't want anyone calling this a mutiny.
Libra - Everybody wants an answer these days and in most cases they are either unprepared or unable to supply a question in order to obtain that answer. To the rescue - Psychic Libra (imagine an echoey effect). Faster than a speeding Kreskin, able to make large problems disappear with a single word, Psychic Libra knows how to fix your problems before you even know you have them. Sound daunting? Not really, all you have to do is show up and look wise - the rest will take care of itself.
Scorpio - Be careful who you talk to. You can get so wrapped up in talking about your on going drama that you may find yourself - hypothetically speaking - telling an undercover narcotics officer about the difficulty you're having with your current drug dealer whose name is Blank and who lives at Blank Blank. See how that could be a problem? There is no doubt that you've got stuff to get off your chest, but try to be a little more circumspect about who you share with.
Sagittarius - Do you have a headache? Feel as though something has been repeatedly hitting you over the head for some time now? You're absolutely right - the thing, person, situation you've been seeking so avidly has been following around behind you for so long now that she/he/it has given up on words and resorted to crude gestures. Want the pain to stop? Turn around, look he/she/it straight in the eye and tell it/her/him exactly what you want. It's that easy.
Capricorn - If a bear was lying around on a Sunday afternoon, peacefully minding his own business and enjoying his free time, would anyone in their right mind walk up to him and poke him with a stick? Would anyone interrupt a tiger while it was eating dinner? No! I know you don't want a reputation as a vicious killing machine (not allthe time), but you should at least master a look that would wordlessly tell people that you want them to leave you alone. Until then hang a sign on your door.
Aquarius - One of our tribe took my advice last week and posted a secret - to me. I wondered, briefly, if I might have logged on and written it in my sleep. Aquarius is tapped in to the universal mind like a redneck syphoning gas - it's definitely not something you can admit to everyone. In the days ahead, the voices will become more numerous and much louder. Try not to make sense of it. Read that again. The sooner you stop listening the sooner you can hear.
Pisces - I think that elevators have been greatly underestimated as a therapeutic tool. Just a normal elevator, going about its daily business - up and down with people getting on and off alternating long periods of emptiness. You're not allowed out until you resolve things. What do you think would be the final straw? Would it be the constant motion, the enclosed space, the incessant interruptions, the bells? Or would it be that voice endlessly telling you exactly where you are?
Saturday, November 29, 2008
Sunday, November 23, 2008
Blogoscopes Week of November 23 to 30, 2008
Aries - If you're not a Lord of the Rings fan then this will probably mean nothing to you, but here goes: you are about to enter the ruins of the ancient Dwarvish kingdom of Moria. There are no other roads forward and the way back is blocked. You must brave the cavernous dark and fight off the monsters you meet along the way. The best way to survive? Keep your sword ready, remember that you have a higher purpose and stop daydreaming about the cute elf.
Taurus - Have you ever wondered whether you might be speaking in tongues? Do you occasionally find the people you are conversing with gaping at you slack jawed and confused? If you have an important point to make you should know that not everyone can keep up with your thinking. Perhaps you should consider writing things down; like a contract. It has the double bonus of forcing you to slow down just a little, and of giving others something to refer to when they lose the plot.
Gemini - I've always been fascinated by the idea of the Grand Bazaar in Istanbul; After all, I love shopping and it is the world's oldest mall. You will notice that I said I'm fascinated by the idea. I'm not so sure I could cope with the reality. And with the bargaining skills you are about to exhibit, I would say neither could you. Remember, when you are trying to negotiate a deal the idea is that you pay less and get more, not the other way around.
Cancer - Our sleeping minds can present us with answers to issues we struggle with in waking hours. This week you could dream that you move to a developing nation where your incredible abilities bring an end to hunger and violence. You dream will also show you how to save the environment, cure the common cold and find lost socks. Hang on to the good feelings this engenders because when you wake up all you'll remember is "cabbage soup".
Leo - In the near future when your neighbour asks to borrow your power tools, it would be best not to have said tools in your hand when you deny any knowledge of their where-abouts. Be honest and up front about your current need to use the power tools and tell your neighbour to come back in a few weeks. An important corollary to this is that you really do need the tools; there's work to be done so charge up that drill and get to it.
Virgo - When we're busy we often say we have enough on our plate or we have a full plate. It's an expression that seems to suggest that our responsibilities are the food that fuels our lives. Your plate is certainly full and although it may look like it's simply heaped with green stuff, it's actually a mound of peas. You may not be crazy about peas, but I predict that in typical Virgo fashion you will devour them all one pea at a time.
Libra - There's a new moon coming up later this week and in anticipation, preparation and celebration you appear to be making some sweeping changes to your life. You know better than anyone else exactly what you need at this time so by all means make your plans, gather in your supplies and ready yourself in mind, body and spirit for the coming of the new you. But be warned! Painting your front door fuchsia will cause shock, not judgement.
Scorpio - You are shiny. In fact you are even a tad sparkly. This should prove interesting. You know all the scary things that people say about Scorpios - yes you do. Well you're about to experience the shoe-on-the-other-foot syndrome. Intense interest in you - who are you, where do you come from, what's your favourite colour, can I buy you a car - will become the order of the day. Fun? Yes. Scary? Just a little. Can you handle it? Piece of cake.
Sagittarius - You've done your research, spent hours in the library, honed your prose and completed a dozen proof readings. In other words you've finished your homework. You can be excused for being just a bit smug. You've done a good job. However, be careful that you don't try to take a tenth grade essay to a post-grad doctoral exam. Sure it's a good book report, but not everybody will be sympathetic when you discover your dog really has eaten it.
Capricorn - Imagine that you are able to read people's minds at will. You can tune in and tune out whenever you feel like it. Wouldn't that be great? Okay now imagine that by mind reading you've accidentally discovered an individual who is potentially your soul mate. Will this knowledge that you have acquired help you in any way to establish and build a relationship with this person? I doubt it. See sometimes it's best not to know.
Aquarius - I just read a book based on an Internet phenomenon called "Post Secrets". This guy gave out postcards all over the place with the instructions to write a secret on it and mail it to him. The secret had to be yours, had to be true and had to be written concisely enough that it fit on a postcard. It's like a confessional with total anonymity, no judging and no legal or religious stuff to cloud the issue. You should try it.
Pisces - You're ticked off. At who or what? You don't know. Well okay you do know but you don't feel that you have the right to be ticked off at that particular person or situation. Guess again. You have every right to feel displeasure the problem stems from your inability to correctly identify the root of your feelings. You're best course of action here would be to hunker down in protective mode rather than donning armour and riding out to battle.
Taurus - Have you ever wondered whether you might be speaking in tongues? Do you occasionally find the people you are conversing with gaping at you slack jawed and confused? If you have an important point to make you should know that not everyone can keep up with your thinking. Perhaps you should consider writing things down; like a contract. It has the double bonus of forcing you to slow down just a little, and of giving others something to refer to when they lose the plot.
Gemini - I've always been fascinated by the idea of the Grand Bazaar in Istanbul; After all, I love shopping and it is the world's oldest mall. You will notice that I said I'm fascinated by the idea. I'm not so sure I could cope with the reality. And with the bargaining skills you are about to exhibit, I would say neither could you. Remember, when you are trying to negotiate a deal the idea is that you pay less and get more, not the other way around.
Cancer - Our sleeping minds can present us with answers to issues we struggle with in waking hours. This week you could dream that you move to a developing nation where your incredible abilities bring an end to hunger and violence. You dream will also show you how to save the environment, cure the common cold and find lost socks. Hang on to the good feelings this engenders because when you wake up all you'll remember is "cabbage soup".
Leo - In the near future when your neighbour asks to borrow your power tools, it would be best not to have said tools in your hand when you deny any knowledge of their where-abouts. Be honest and up front about your current need to use the power tools and tell your neighbour to come back in a few weeks. An important corollary to this is that you really do need the tools; there's work to be done so charge up that drill and get to it.
Virgo - When we're busy we often say we have enough on our plate or we have a full plate. It's an expression that seems to suggest that our responsibilities are the food that fuels our lives. Your plate is certainly full and although it may look like it's simply heaped with green stuff, it's actually a mound of peas. You may not be crazy about peas, but I predict that in typical Virgo fashion you will devour them all one pea at a time.
Libra - There's a new moon coming up later this week and in anticipation, preparation and celebration you appear to be making some sweeping changes to your life. You know better than anyone else exactly what you need at this time so by all means make your plans, gather in your supplies and ready yourself in mind, body and spirit for the coming of the new you. But be warned! Painting your front door fuchsia will cause shock, not judgement.
Scorpio - You are shiny. In fact you are even a tad sparkly. This should prove interesting. You know all the scary things that people say about Scorpios - yes you do. Well you're about to experience the shoe-on-the-other-foot syndrome. Intense interest in you - who are you, where do you come from, what's your favourite colour, can I buy you a car - will become the order of the day. Fun? Yes. Scary? Just a little. Can you handle it? Piece of cake.
Sagittarius - You've done your research, spent hours in the library, honed your prose and completed a dozen proof readings. In other words you've finished your homework. You can be excused for being just a bit smug. You've done a good job. However, be careful that you don't try to take a tenth grade essay to a post-grad doctoral exam. Sure it's a good book report, but not everybody will be sympathetic when you discover your dog really has eaten it.
Capricorn - Imagine that you are able to read people's minds at will. You can tune in and tune out whenever you feel like it. Wouldn't that be great? Okay now imagine that by mind reading you've accidentally discovered an individual who is potentially your soul mate. Will this knowledge that you have acquired help you in any way to establish and build a relationship with this person? I doubt it. See sometimes it's best not to know.
Aquarius - I just read a book based on an Internet phenomenon called "Post Secrets". This guy gave out postcards all over the place with the instructions to write a secret on it and mail it to him. The secret had to be yours, had to be true and had to be written concisely enough that it fit on a postcard. It's like a confessional with total anonymity, no judging and no legal or religious stuff to cloud the issue. You should try it.
Pisces - You're ticked off. At who or what? You don't know. Well okay you do know but you don't feel that you have the right to be ticked off at that particular person or situation. Guess again. You have every right to feel displeasure the problem stems from your inability to correctly identify the root of your feelings. You're best course of action here would be to hunker down in protective mode rather than donning armour and riding out to battle.
Saturday, November 15, 2008
Blogoscopes Week of November 17 to 24, 2008
Aries - Have you ever thought about going into therapy? No seriously, I don't think you're crazy. At least not any crazier than anybody else, but it never hurts to have someone you feel free to tell all your secrets to. I just don't think you're gonna believe any one you haven't paid money to. Believe me when I say that someone should be paying you to tell them what is the what.
Taurus - So you spilled your Shiraz at a friend's birthday party. You feel embarrassed and believe that you should be paying to clean or replace the rug. Let me just say that no one - and I mean no one - in their right mind combines white carpet with a house party. If anyone is at fault here it's your host. Besides, it's shag and must be 30 years old. You did them a favour.
Gemini - The absolute worst thing ever to happen to anyone in the history of the world is when you have a shower schedule all worked out and someone jumps the queue. The second worst is when they don't get in the shower when they're supposed to and you wonder whether taking your turn at your usual time makes you a bad person when you know that - oh to hell with it, just go dirty.
Cancer - Tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are. More specifically, look at who your friends are and discover something about yourself. You may find this confusing right now since you seem to be buddy buddy with some unusual people...or are you just pretending? So tell me who your fake friends are and I'll tell you where you're fake.
Leo - I frequently tell people that it is not selfish to look after their own needs. Right now, everyone needs you and you can't afford to be worn out when so much seems to be riding on your shoulders. Okay so when you're holding court this week, grant everyone their wishes, but don't be afraid to fuck with their heads a little when you do. What?
Virgo - Mother Theresa you are not, but that won't stop you this week from selling your line of blessings and absolution on e-bay. You've got some excess smarts running around in your head and it would be better for everybody if they could be used for good instead of evil. The on-line auction covers both ends of the spectrum; just steer clear of selling relics.
Libra - Where in the world did you put that thing? No ideas, but I predict that you are about to find a whole bunch of other stuff while you're looking for the thing. I often find shoes when I'm looking for sunglasses, and sunglasses when I seek rice. There's no scientific proof of a connection beyond my housekeeping habits but try it and if it works for you too I'll patent it.
Scorpio - If you have an evil plan for world domination now would be the time to bring it out. You've got the energy and the drive to single-handedly conquer the universe, PLUS, you've got a bunch of stooges lined up waiting to do your dirty work. Just remember that as a rule, stooges aren't too bright. Be specific and detailed in your instructions.
Sagittarius - You are an unusual human being in many ways, not least of which is the fact that you are one of the few on this earth who are not for sale at any price. When you believe in something, there is nothing that can buy you off or make you sell your principles. Or maybe there is and there just haven't been enough zeros yet. Ooh is this your inner whore?
Capricorn - Your life resembles the 1970's cold war at the moment. There's a lot of animosity but no one wants to admit it. On the surface it's all detente and glasnost, but underneath it's espionage and double agents. There's only one way to handle this. Don a turtleneck and a beret and challenge your opponent to martinis at dawn. Shaken not stirred, of course.
Aquarius - There's a definite trick to calling in sick for work. First of all you have to decide to do it. Then you have to pick a time to call in and a believable disease. Once you've perfected your sick voice, left a message and gone back to bed, the challenge is to remind yourself that you're not actually sick. Hell how else are you going to enjoy that free time?
Pisces - Scientists this week discover a beast previously thought to have become extinct several millenia ago, the mysterious raptor, Pickafight. It is generally believed that this creature refused to acknowledge it's own motivations or to be responsible for any of its aggressive behaviours and it died out when all the other beast staged an intervention.
Taurus - So you spilled your Shiraz at a friend's birthday party. You feel embarrassed and believe that you should be paying to clean or replace the rug. Let me just say that no one - and I mean no one - in their right mind combines white carpet with a house party. If anyone is at fault here it's your host. Besides, it's shag and must be 30 years old. You did them a favour.
Gemini - The absolute worst thing ever to happen to anyone in the history of the world is when you have a shower schedule all worked out and someone jumps the queue. The second worst is when they don't get in the shower when they're supposed to and you wonder whether taking your turn at your usual time makes you a bad person when you know that - oh to hell with it, just go dirty.
Cancer - Tell me who your friends are and I'll tell you who you are. More specifically, look at who your friends are and discover something about yourself. You may find this confusing right now since you seem to be buddy buddy with some unusual people...or are you just pretending? So tell me who your fake friends are and I'll tell you where you're fake.
Leo - I frequently tell people that it is not selfish to look after their own needs. Right now, everyone needs you and you can't afford to be worn out when so much seems to be riding on your shoulders. Okay so when you're holding court this week, grant everyone their wishes, but don't be afraid to fuck with their heads a little when you do. What?
Virgo - Mother Theresa you are not, but that won't stop you this week from selling your line of blessings and absolution on e-bay. You've got some excess smarts running around in your head and it would be better for everybody if they could be used for good instead of evil. The on-line auction covers both ends of the spectrum; just steer clear of selling relics.
Libra - Where in the world did you put that thing? No ideas, but I predict that you are about to find a whole bunch of other stuff while you're looking for the thing. I often find shoes when I'm looking for sunglasses, and sunglasses when I seek rice. There's no scientific proof of a connection beyond my housekeeping habits but try it and if it works for you too I'll patent it.
Scorpio - If you have an evil plan for world domination now would be the time to bring it out. You've got the energy and the drive to single-handedly conquer the universe, PLUS, you've got a bunch of stooges lined up waiting to do your dirty work. Just remember that as a rule, stooges aren't too bright. Be specific and detailed in your instructions.
Sagittarius - You are an unusual human being in many ways, not least of which is the fact that you are one of the few on this earth who are not for sale at any price. When you believe in something, there is nothing that can buy you off or make you sell your principles. Or maybe there is and there just haven't been enough zeros yet. Ooh is this your inner whore?
Capricorn - Your life resembles the 1970's cold war at the moment. There's a lot of animosity but no one wants to admit it. On the surface it's all detente and glasnost, but underneath it's espionage and double agents. There's only one way to handle this. Don a turtleneck and a beret and challenge your opponent to martinis at dawn. Shaken not stirred, of course.
Aquarius - There's a definite trick to calling in sick for work. First of all you have to decide to do it. Then you have to pick a time to call in and a believable disease. Once you've perfected your sick voice, left a message and gone back to bed, the challenge is to remind yourself that you're not actually sick. Hell how else are you going to enjoy that free time?
Pisces - Scientists this week discover a beast previously thought to have become extinct several millenia ago, the mysterious raptor, Pickafight. It is generally believed that this creature refused to acknowledge it's own motivations or to be responsible for any of its aggressive behaviours and it died out when all the other beast staged an intervention.
Saturday, November 08, 2008
Blogscopes Week of November 10 to 17, 2008
Aries - This week you should try to have a peanut butter sandwich always on hand. You don't have to eat it but it should have a bite out of it and then when friends come to you seeking answers for unexpectedly disturbing questions you can claim to have your mouth full and stall for time.
Taurus - You'll soon be forced to re-examine everything you believe when you discover a pair of socks you didn't know you owned. Seriously though, you can take this "a place for everything and everything in it's place" stuff a little too far. Relax and let the socks fall where they may.
Gemini - You might want to get some help with applying your sunscreen. You can't reach everywhere and sand sticks to your hands and it's just so annoying. In fact it can really push your buttons. Don't be the freak on the beach. Let someone else get their hand dirty.
Cancer - They say there's no 'I' in team and athletes always seem anxious not to be seen trying to take all the credit for a win. Even golfers are always thanking someone else and saying they couldn't do it alone. It's great to play well with others, but there is an 'I' in champion.
Leo - There's a lot of fuss about world markets these days and everybody is wondering about the financial future. Well the only advice I can give you about this is don't invest in Popsicles. Sure, they're pretty colours and they taste good, but they don't last.
Virgo - I used to catch my grandmother talking to herself and she would justify it by saying that she was addressing the smartest person in the room. It was funny when I was nine, it would be offensive now. Watch what you say to yourself this week, someone else may take umbrage.
Libra - I have a vague memory of speaking to you about charades at some point but I can't remember when it was so you probably can't either. My point is that you need to be very careful about how you communicate these days and hand gestures are not likely going to be your best bet.
Scorpio - When I was in university I had a chance to take an elective course in a subject that fascinated me. The professor had an odd physical feature that was as fascinating as it was grotesque and I was so distracted that I got nothing from the class. Don't let this happen to you.
Sagittarius - Life is good right now and when you find yourself feeling so happy that you spontaneously burst into song, not only will there be back up singers handy, but a passing orchestra will stop to accompany you and a nearby film crew will capture the whole thing for posterity.
Capricorn - If you're feeling the least bit unsure about something, it's not a bad idea to get it in writing. Especially if you're not certain that everyone is on board with your decisions. Make sure your waitress has a pen and a pad of paper if you want to have the lunch you ordered.
Aquarius - Impromptu parties are the best kind. You save yourself weeks of worrying about guest lists, menus, decorations and the like. So much better to just suddenly find yourself with a house full of fun. The only drawback of course is that you haven't prearranged a time for the party to end.
Pisces - Do you know why bears hibernate? It's not because of the cold - they're covered in fur. Okay think now, why do we use the term 'grumpy old bear' instead of 'grumpy old hamster'? Bears hibernate because this is their grumpy time of year and you would do well to emulate them.
Taurus - You'll soon be forced to re-examine everything you believe when you discover a pair of socks you didn't know you owned. Seriously though, you can take this "a place for everything and everything in it's place" stuff a little too far. Relax and let the socks fall where they may.
Gemini - You might want to get some help with applying your sunscreen. You can't reach everywhere and sand sticks to your hands and it's just so annoying. In fact it can really push your buttons. Don't be the freak on the beach. Let someone else get their hand dirty.
Cancer - They say there's no 'I' in team and athletes always seem anxious not to be seen trying to take all the credit for a win. Even golfers are always thanking someone else and saying they couldn't do it alone. It's great to play well with others, but there is an 'I' in champion.
Leo - There's a lot of fuss about world markets these days and everybody is wondering about the financial future. Well the only advice I can give you about this is don't invest in Popsicles. Sure, they're pretty colours and they taste good, but they don't last.
Virgo - I used to catch my grandmother talking to herself and she would justify it by saying that she was addressing the smartest person in the room. It was funny when I was nine, it would be offensive now. Watch what you say to yourself this week, someone else may take umbrage.
Libra - I have a vague memory of speaking to you about charades at some point but I can't remember when it was so you probably can't either. My point is that you need to be very careful about how you communicate these days and hand gestures are not likely going to be your best bet.
Scorpio - When I was in university I had a chance to take an elective course in a subject that fascinated me. The professor had an odd physical feature that was as fascinating as it was grotesque and I was so distracted that I got nothing from the class. Don't let this happen to you.
Sagittarius - Life is good right now and when you find yourself feeling so happy that you spontaneously burst into song, not only will there be back up singers handy, but a passing orchestra will stop to accompany you and a nearby film crew will capture the whole thing for posterity.
Capricorn - If you're feeling the least bit unsure about something, it's not a bad idea to get it in writing. Especially if you're not certain that everyone is on board with your decisions. Make sure your waitress has a pen and a pad of paper if you want to have the lunch you ordered.
Aquarius - Impromptu parties are the best kind. You save yourself weeks of worrying about guest lists, menus, decorations and the like. So much better to just suddenly find yourself with a house full of fun. The only drawback of course is that you haven't prearranged a time for the party to end.
Pisces - Do you know why bears hibernate? It's not because of the cold - they're covered in fur. Okay think now, why do we use the term 'grumpy old bear' instead of 'grumpy old hamster'? Bears hibernate because this is their grumpy time of year and you would do well to emulate them.
Sunday, November 02, 2008
Blogoscopes Week of November 3 to 10, 2008
Aries - This week you discover why it is that money can't buy happiness. It's because if you win the lottery all the people who have hurt and upset you in the past will come out of the woodwork with their hands out. It might be briefly gratifying to deny them a dime, but in the long run no matter how rich you are they are still assholes and will talk trash about you anyway. Save your dough and shower them with kindness instead. That'll teach them.
Taurus - Have you ever had one of those dreams where you are with a large group of people - friends and strangers - and you find it impossible to communicate with any of them? It's almost worse than the not being able to run dream, because it's as if you're invisible. You can stand face to face with your nearest and dearest and they don't even see you let alone hear you. Welcome to your week. Resist the urge to set fire to any one's pants, but fantasize about it if it helps.
Gemini - Three things to keep in mind when borrowing big sister's clothes: you wear different sizes, she hasn't even worn it yet, and, most importantly, you might look better in it than she does. If you don't have a big sister - ESPECIALLY if you don't have a big sister - pay attention to some one who seems to feel you've been messing with their wardrobe. You don't mean to outshine and you don't need to be self-effacing, just realize you will get the bill for the dry cleaning.
Cancer - If a Cancerian had been in charge of naming the months of the year, today would be the 3rd of Big Wussy. What are you a girl? Oh well yes, some of you are so okay. You are one of nature's special children; a delicate flower, too refined and too sensitive for this hard, harsh world. It is essential that you be protected, and a little pampering never hurt either. Be kind to You and allow yourself a treat! You deserve it! Feel better now? Wuss.
Leo - Hey nice car, what did you pay for that car? I'm just asking, no need to bite my head off. So you won it in a poker game, that's great, lucky you. I mean smart, smart you not lucky, poker is a game of skill not luck and you got skills. Yes it is annoying of me to go on like this isn't it so let me just ask you one last thing; did you win any cash at the table? Will the money stretch to groceries this week? And what about gas for that fine automobile? First things first my dear.
Virgo - We definitely need to figure out some alternative form of therapy for you because walking down the street by yourself while conversing with all the voices in your head is not going to work for much longer. People are staring and muttering, some are even trying to make eye contact. They all think you're nuts. The least you can do is buy one of those blue-tooth earphone thingies and try to look as though you're talking to real people.
Libra - Sometimes your life is exactly like a marathon of Murder She Wrote reruns. Your wardrobe is understated and appropriate. You have interesting and wealthy friends who adore you. You travel the world doing things you love and helping those in peril along the way. You know that everything will work out in the end. Most importantly, you never believe the detective in charge of the case, no matter how convincing he is. You know better.
Scorpio - Take extra care this week not to fall asleep under the sun lamp. If there's one thing worse than the pain of sunburn, it's the embarrassment of having a sunburn in November and knowing that in a few weeks time, your partner will be regaling everyone at the company Christmas party with the private and most humiliating aspects of your discomfort. The worst is yet to come when you find your self re-telling those stories with a whine in your voice.
Sagittarius - In the battle for your soul, Satan is currently ahead by a nose. You shouldn't feel guilty about this, he's had a couple of undercover agents of darkness inserted into your life. They're hot, and therefore impossible to resist. Also, the only force facing off against this axis of evil is Glinda the Good and it will take more than a tiara and a fairy wand to score a victory here. Don't worry, the dark side isn't all bad and it's not like you'll be alone.
Capricorn - You should really consider having a hot tub installed in your living room. Yes it would be incredibly expensive, not to mention tacky and just plain weird. Still, I'm sure your parents used to have one just like it which they removed shortly before you were born. It would be a wonderful way to experience that return to the womb feeling and still be on hand to entertain when people drop by. The fact that it's also a great conversation piece is just a bonus.
Aquarius - Eeyore is my least favourite of the inhabitants of the 100 acre wood. I could never understand how he remained so gloomy when he obviously lived in a magical place with wonderful friends. Nor could I see why Pooh and Piglet and Tigger and Roo would put up with him. I do believe that this gave him a strange kind of strength stemming from the belief that no matter what anyone did it was all shit. It's a Nietzschean view point you might care to adopt - short term.
Pisces - If you 've recently been masquerading as a brain surgeon you may discover that someone you met and tried to impress is about to call your bluff. No one will be asking you to perform a lobotomy, but there may be a test to see if you know the brain surgeons' secret handshake. It might be best for you to come clean and admit the misunderstanding, but if I know you, you'll either front like mad or make up some reason to leave town for a while. Perhaps Médecins sans Frontières?
Taurus - Have you ever had one of those dreams where you are with a large group of people - friends and strangers - and you find it impossible to communicate with any of them? It's almost worse than the not being able to run dream, because it's as if you're invisible. You can stand face to face with your nearest and dearest and they don't even see you let alone hear you. Welcome to your week. Resist the urge to set fire to any one's pants, but fantasize about it if it helps.
Gemini - Three things to keep in mind when borrowing big sister's clothes: you wear different sizes, she hasn't even worn it yet, and, most importantly, you might look better in it than she does. If you don't have a big sister - ESPECIALLY if you don't have a big sister - pay attention to some one who seems to feel you've been messing with their wardrobe. You don't mean to outshine and you don't need to be self-effacing, just realize you will get the bill for the dry cleaning.
Cancer - If a Cancerian had been in charge of naming the months of the year, today would be the 3rd of Big Wussy. What are you a girl? Oh well yes, some of you are so okay. You are one of nature's special children; a delicate flower, too refined and too sensitive for this hard, harsh world. It is essential that you be protected, and a little pampering never hurt either. Be kind to You and allow yourself a treat! You deserve it! Feel better now? Wuss.
Leo - Hey nice car, what did you pay for that car? I'm just asking, no need to bite my head off. So you won it in a poker game, that's great, lucky you. I mean smart, smart you not lucky, poker is a game of skill not luck and you got skills. Yes it is annoying of me to go on like this isn't it so let me just ask you one last thing; did you win any cash at the table? Will the money stretch to groceries this week? And what about gas for that fine automobile? First things first my dear.
Virgo - We definitely need to figure out some alternative form of therapy for you because walking down the street by yourself while conversing with all the voices in your head is not going to work for much longer. People are staring and muttering, some are even trying to make eye contact. They all think you're nuts. The least you can do is buy one of those blue-tooth earphone thingies and try to look as though you're talking to real people.
Libra - Sometimes your life is exactly like a marathon of Murder She Wrote reruns. Your wardrobe is understated and appropriate. You have interesting and wealthy friends who adore you. You travel the world doing things you love and helping those in peril along the way. You know that everything will work out in the end. Most importantly, you never believe the detective in charge of the case, no matter how convincing he is. You know better.
Scorpio - Take extra care this week not to fall asleep under the sun lamp. If there's one thing worse than the pain of sunburn, it's the embarrassment of having a sunburn in November and knowing that in a few weeks time, your partner will be regaling everyone at the company Christmas party with the private and most humiliating aspects of your discomfort. The worst is yet to come when you find your self re-telling those stories with a whine in your voice.
Sagittarius - In the battle for your soul, Satan is currently ahead by a nose. You shouldn't feel guilty about this, he's had a couple of undercover agents of darkness inserted into your life. They're hot, and therefore impossible to resist. Also, the only force facing off against this axis of evil is Glinda the Good and it will take more than a tiara and a fairy wand to score a victory here. Don't worry, the dark side isn't all bad and it's not like you'll be alone.
Capricorn - You should really consider having a hot tub installed in your living room. Yes it would be incredibly expensive, not to mention tacky and just plain weird. Still, I'm sure your parents used to have one just like it which they removed shortly before you were born. It would be a wonderful way to experience that return to the womb feeling and still be on hand to entertain when people drop by. The fact that it's also a great conversation piece is just a bonus.
Aquarius - Eeyore is my least favourite of the inhabitants of the 100 acre wood. I could never understand how he remained so gloomy when he obviously lived in a magical place with wonderful friends. Nor could I see why Pooh and Piglet and Tigger and Roo would put up with him. I do believe that this gave him a strange kind of strength stemming from the belief that no matter what anyone did it was all shit. It's a Nietzschean view point you might care to adopt - short term.
Pisces - If you 've recently been masquerading as a brain surgeon you may discover that someone you met and tried to impress is about to call your bluff. No one will be asking you to perform a lobotomy, but there may be a test to see if you know the brain surgeons' secret handshake. It might be best for you to come clean and admit the misunderstanding, but if I know you, you'll either front like mad or make up some reason to leave town for a while. Perhaps Médecins sans Frontières?
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